Sexy Vampires? (Why you shouldn't infatuate yourself with something that wants to eat you)

[SidneyCarton]

In honor of the coming Valentine’s day (My fifth as a non-single, hurrah!) I figured I’d turn my irascible dislike for this holiday to a more profitable target, that of the Romantic Vampire, particularly those perpetual adolescents of the Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series. Now I know that the idea of the sexy Vampire is nothing new, after Anne Rice made millions off of this idea while Ms. Meyer was still in grade school, and prior to either of their births, Bela Lugosi gave us the first impression of the suave, handsome and charming drinker of human blood in his portrayal of Dracula.

Indeed, if anything, Meyer makes the attraction of her female lead character, Bella to the vampiric Edward make some sense, for Edward is a “vegetarian vampire” (how this is possible, or if it is even plausible is another question altogether) and therefore is capable of seeing her as something more than a somewhat comely snack. That said, I remain bewildered and annoyed at the idea of finding the Vampire a romantic creature, considering that their diet requires a steady flow of human blood, taken from usually unwilling donors.

Perhaps it is the fact that they are fictional. After all, many fans of Fantasy literature (such as myself) find the concept of dragons fascinating and fun, and might even fancy the idea of seeing one in real life. Nevertheless, as the film Reign of Fire illustrated, the introduction of such creatures into our real society would likely bring calamity unlike any hitherto seen. Much the same could likely be said of Vampires. Were these creatures of fantasy actual living beings, they would likely displace humanity at the top of the food chain, as they are our natural predators. Under such circumstances we would be a prey species, a status that man has not, on a whole, experienced for millennia. Like other predators of herd species, Vampires would prey on the old, weak, children and marginals who lived at the edge of humanity, threatening the stronger members of the species only when we strayed from the safety of numbers. They would hunt us down, beat us into unconsciousness, and then feast on our live blood, thus dispatching us. Sounds romantic, right?

Indeed, under such circumstances, I doubt we would find Vampires attractive, no matter what they looked like. After all the Caribou does not pine for the Wolf (Or certain Alaska Governors) nor does the mouse fantasize over felines, or the Seal for the Polar Bear. Natural selection, if not common sense strongly discourages such behavior, as dying significantly impedes one’s ability to pass on their genetic material. Hence, were Vampires real, I think it could be fairly stated that our current infatuation with our predator, would either abruptly cease, or shortly reduce us to the status of the Dodo.

Then again, perhaps fiction has nothing to do with it. Perhaps it’s all about looks. After all, while I am no prize now, Mrs. Carton knows that my paunch is likely to remain, if not grow somewhat, my hair will turn gray, white and eventually fall out, and I will eventually wax old and be even less attractive than I am now. However, a handsome Vampire will remain so forever, and promises his adoring lover that same gift of eternal youth, at the cost of her humanity. Yet lest we become too infatuated at the idea of eternal Byronic beauty, perhaps we should consider that the idea of the sexy Vampire is a new one. Prior to Lugosi’s Dracula, the general description of the Vampire closely followed that portrayed by Max Schreck in the original Vampire movie, Nosferatu:



Imagine waking up next to that for all eternity!

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, and before you let them bite your neck, check for fangs.