Tell a funny or interesting tale.

[Bertha Venation]

Something your pet did. Or your child.

The latest from a weirdo at work.

Traffic encounters.

Some goofy or stupid thing you yourself did.

Overheard idiots.

Or whatever.

[Fire Walk With Me]

1. In college, my girlfriend once demanded a bed-time story, and I was really, really tired.

I eventually caved and she tucked back, all happy and anticipating, all a-smile. So I began:

"Once upon a time, there was a bear. Soon, this bear's head was cut off by a helicopter blade. The end."

We used to get each other pretty damn good, and she got me for that one.

[Bertha Venation]

4. BAH!

Good one. :thumbsup:

[av8rdave]

2. OK....you'll think less of me for this, btu I have to admit I found it funny

I've never considered myself a good BSer, but the other night I hit it out of the park.

This last Saturday night in Denver, with a late show time the next day. The copilot and I went to a microbrewery to get dinner and try a couple of their beers. We ate at the bar. Eventually, Stan (the copilot) excused himself to use the restroom. On the stool next to where Stan was sitting was a lady accompanied by her husband/boyfriend. She struck up a conversation, and asked what I was up to this evening. I don't know why I said this (funny mood, I guess) but I said I was having a rare night out with my supervision. She gave me a quizzical look, and I elaborated: "I'm really not supposed to be discussing this, but that gentleman with me is actually my parole officer. After 8 years of parole, I'm finally at a point where I can actually go out and have a cocktail if I'm accompanied by him." She motioned me to come closer, and I said, "sorry, but I cannot leave this seat until he returns." She asked how they kept track of me, and I said I had an ankle bracelet, which she wanted to see. I told her I really wasn't supposed to be showing that, but she was insistent.

I actually have a nylon ankle weave around my right ankle that I got in the Caribbean many years ago. The restaurant was pretty dark, and I made a show of looking discreet and raising my pant leg just enough to get a glimpse of it. It looks nothing like a monitoring device, but in that light and with only a brief glance, it was convincing enough. She then asked what I had done to be on parole for so long. Again, I said I really wasn't supposed to discuss that, and I didn't want to do anything to wind up back in the slammer after such a long parole. I said, "let's just say I have a lot more respect for life than I did years ago." The whole time, her husband/boyfriend is giving her this look that seemed to say, "I can't believe you're buying this crap."

I asked her to please, please, please not say anything to my parole officer about me having divulged any of this. About then, Stan returned from the rest room. He had no idea this conversation had taken place, but he has this great sense of humor. She asked him what he was up to this evening. He looked at her and said, "You've heard of the prison release and supervision program, haven't you?" I couldn't believe he said that!

Anyway, there is some poor woman in Denver who thinks she had a conversation with a hardened felon.

I'm not one to pull something like that. I still don't know why. It just sort of flowed out, and it was funny (and hopefully harmless). I told Stan about the entire conversation after we left. He also found it funny that of all the answers he could have given to that last question, that's what came out...and he's not sure why.

To a bored guy in a strange town, it was hilarious.

[Bertha Venation]

3. I don't think less of you, and

that is hilarious! :rofl:

[applegrove]

5. We were having a water fight at the cottage. There were people on

the roof with buckets of water, there were people getting lakewater and carrying it up to the cottage. We were laughing and all in our mid 20s. Windows were opening and water was being tossed out to the people standing below the window. It was a zoo.

All of I sudden i saw the firefighting thank that fits like a knapsack. It was orange and full of water with a pump action water dispenser that looks like a gun. I pointed it out to chuck who was on my team. He put it on. I said wait a second I have something else for you. I went downstairs and got my dad's chain saw safety equipment which consisted of a helmet with a cage visor attachment and earguards. All in orange. I put it on chuck. He ran around wetting people and each and every one of them laughed their asses off because he looked like some sorta transformer. That was a fun day.

[Bertha Venation]

7. Sounds like fun

:bounce:

[Maine-ah]

6. a couple of weeks ago...

while working (bartender) a guy at the bar offered me $50 to show him my boobies. :shrug: I of course said um, no. I mentioned it to some of the servers at work and most everyone said they would have done it. :crazy:

[Bertha Venation]

8. I wouldn't have done it, either.

x(

[CreekDog]

9. At the sing along "Sound of Music" I...

it was at a big theater in SF and they handed out these champagne poppers and told us to pop them when Maria and the Captain first kiss.

well i didn't pop mine then. :evilgrin:

i saved it for when Rolf was in the cemetary and points a gun at the captain and then POP!

the audience gasped! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[3.14158675309]

10. That's frikkin' HIGHLARIOUS!

Evil, but highlarious! :rofl: :patriot:

[Bertha Venation]

11. WIN

:rofl:

[TZ]

24. Wow!

I wish I had more hearts to give out..that deserves like 5 Evil DU'er hearts...:rofl:

[Haole Girl]

12. Bear, my cat, does a lot of funny things..

Once, when we had house guests over, Bear decided he needed an extra "bounce" to move around the house faster. He was still a kitten... almost one, I think. Anyway, there were several people sitting in our living room (on two different sofas). As Bear descended from the back of one couch, he push-kicked off of the stomachs of both my father *and* brother-in-law... it was like a richocette of a billiard ball...boing, boing!! It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen a cat do. lol I still laugh about it... all these years later.

Really wish I had that on video.

:rofl:

[applegrove]

13. When I had my first kitten I got a water pistol to control her behaviour and to keep

her from scratching furniture and the like. I only wet her a few times before all I'd have to do was point the pistol at her and say "Freeze". She'd freeze while looking at the gun then take off and run and hide somewhere. Was really funny.

[CreekDog]

14. I trained my cat on the squirt gun and trained him so well

that when he gets into trouble he shakes his head. :rofl:

haven't used the squirt gun in years. don't need to! :think:

[applegrove]

15. LOL!

[CreekDog]

16. My mom's dog would bark at her from behind the armchair

to avoid being squirted.

and she'd poke her head out from behind it to bark. :rofl:

[applegrove]

17. LOL! Squirt guns work. Wish I had had them when I got my latest kitten. She destroys furniture

and my bigger cat now copies her.

[LanternWaste]

18. I used to work nights at the local library...

I used to work nights at the local branch library my first summer out of high school (summer of 1984). I also was reading Stephen King for the first time. Add to that the particular novel I was reading that night, 'Salem's Lot, was scaring the brown out of me.

I lived pretty close to the library, and rarely drove-- that night being one of my non-car days. My pals stopped by about an hour before closing telling me to meet them at the lower band field (the nearby HS football field that the marching band practiced on-- it was where we'd hang out to drink beer and smoke pot on the weekends) when I got off work.

It was a very humid summer evening, just starting to get dark. For two hours I kept reading 'Salem's Lot and was getting more and more pulled into it. Pulled into it to the point where I was actually getting myself scared.

When I locked up at nine that night, it was pitch black outside (although it was summer, there was a pretty severe system of thunderclouds that had moved into the area). I walked about three steps and realized, "My God! I'm frikkin' terrified!" I re-opened the library, went to the card catalog (kids-- ask your parents what card catalogs were...), grabbed on at random, picked up a pair of scissors and cut out a Crucifix symbol.

I held onto that faux-crucifix for dear life until I finally got to the lower band field. Fortuitous timing on their part-- but my pals, having no idea what I'd been putting myself through, had heard me coming and hid behind a hedge. I was already pretty damned jumpy and when I showed up, no one was there. A LOUD clap of thunder hit at the precise moment they jumped out from behind the hedge, yelling in unison "LanternWaste!!!!!"

That was the closet I've ever come to peeing on myself. They tell me I screamed like a catholic schoolgirl, and I can't really argue that-- I did scream. I screamed loud and I screamed long. Ten minutes later we were all laughing and drinking and smoking, but to this day, I still have that crucifix in a shoe box somewhere, and to this day, my pals and I still laugh about that night... :)


(I'm glad you're using Bertha Venation again, I LOVE that little play on words...)

[Bertha Venation]

21. I would've been so pissed (when I was done being terrified)

that I would've run away before I killed someone.

Yay you didn't kill someone! :thumbsup:

[Jamastiene]

19. There once was a man from Nantucket*

:evilgrin:

* If I tell the rest of the story, it'd cause the mods to be upset with me. :P

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

20. One time, I was in our dorm's community lounge.....

.....some friends of mine (guys and girls) came in and we all started talking, and somehow we ended up playing strip poker.

Anyone could of walked in at any moment, and we didn't care. And we weren't drunk.

[Witchy_Dem]

22. The Scooter or aka When Amazing Things Happen To Ordinary People

The Scooter or aka When Amazing Things Happen To Ordinary People
I was living with Melissa, my best girlfriend who many had misconstrued frequently as my significant other, a misunderstanding that we rarely denied just to keep things interesting. Besides, for all intents and purposes and until she married a Marine she was my significant other. Our other roomie was Scott, a pure-bred Southern Cali surfer/artist dude who was fabulous and fun to say the least. For a time we crashed at his crib while working on a Showtime movie called "Nails".

During our roadside jaunts we'd take her little red scooter downtown to motor around in since its maneuverability beat a full-sized vehicle. The little red scooter barely lurched over 40 mph so it made for perfect side- and access-road cruising as well. On one particularly beautiful, sunny day we decided to motor to Melrose to have lunch. The lunch itself was pretty yummy, Mediterranean faire with filafels and tahini. So yummy in fact it must have distracted us entirely from what was happening outside the restaurant.

As we exited the restaurant our jaunt took an oddly dark turn when we couldn't find the little red scooter. We knew perfectly well where we parked it but still looked around frantically in places we'd never even been just to temporarily avoid the glaring truth that it had been scooter-napped. After thirty minutes or so we decided to hoof it home to West Hollywood. No one walks in LA. No one. However, here we were, scooterless and thoroughly depressed about having lost our little red friend to some scooter-jacking thief and having to walk all the way home. Luckily it was a pretty day. We made it home after a few hours. In fact, I don't even recall much of the walk. I must have been one tired bean afterwards to have blocked so much of the hike home from all memory.

The phone call to the police after arriving home was less than helpful and enlightening about the state of less-than-grand theft scooter in Los Angeles. We were basically told TOO BAD SO SAD and "May as well let it go." That bummed us out even more but we had no choice. We let it go.

A couple of months went by and Melissa was down in Oceanside near San Diego visiting friends. I was still in LA, leaving for the east coast. At the end of our street there was a four-way stop. It was here where I was sitting when I looked over to my left. There, sitting in a driveway, was an awfully familiar red scooter. Where one finds nerve to act without thinking I'll never know but I got out of my truck with it idling at the intersection and ran over to the driveway to check it out, you know, just in case. Sure enough it was Melissa's little red scooter, the ignition still missing, the band sticker and the yellow sticker still on the front of the windshield.

I got back in the truck, did a U-turn and drove back to Scott's. When I ran inside I was blabbering and it took a few seconds for me to calm down. Scott got quite excited when he finally grabbed hold of what I was attempting to relay to him and suggested we go get the scooter back. We unloaded my truck in a matter of minutes, drove down to end of the street, and got out with the truck's motor still running. I opened up my back hatch door and then helped Scott push the scooter to the back of my truck. We were both laughing at the prospect of getting caught and how would we possibly explain the re-stealing of a stolen item?? We lifted it in and drove back to his house. The phone call to Melissa was a mass of confusion and happiness and utter disbelief. The stats alone are amazing. No, they are totally mind-boggling. Think about it. 10 Million People...88 Cities...20 blocks from where it had been stolen and it's discovered less than a half a dozen houses from where we were living. When Melissa decided to get married as a parting gift to Scott for his kindness and hospitality she gave him her little red scooter. It was the hottest scooter in Los Angeles that winter.

[BOSSHOG]

23. Things People do while driving

We've seen them all, talking on the phone, texting, putting on make up, eating. But I saw the following only once. I was driving on a side street in a residential neighborhood near Atlanta about 15 years ago. An old stationwagon was meandering down the street I was turning onto. I had the stop sign. The driver had an inflatable pool hanging out the driver's window and he was blowing it up. And I was very sober.

[CreekDog]

25. I went to a BBQ for my arid lands class and they had a big camel there

in the backyard.

the neighborhood was all 1 story houses. i didn't think much of it until i left and realized that you could see that camel's head from a long distance away.

i just remember seeing all these houses and there's a camel's head and neck popped above one of them. :wtf:

:rofl:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

26. I tried...Nobody commented.

Maybe they don't want to embarrass me further by telling me what a dumbass I've been. :rofl: