A friend of mine was raped

[liberalpragmatist]

A classmate of hers sexually assaulted her. She was alone with him one evening studying when he started getting physical with her. She told him to stop and there was a struggle and she was assaulted. She was in shock and didn't report it. Two days later, after confronting him about it, she tried to kill herself and when concerned relatives called her house, nobody answered. The cops knocked her door down, found her lying unconscious and she was rushed to the emergency room. Afterwards, she spent three weeks in the psych ward.

She didn't tell any of her friends about what happened until quite recently. She's doing better now, but she doesn't want to press charges - she's concerned she has no proof and no physical scars and that she can't emotionally deal with a potentially years-long court battle.

Does she have a case?

What's problematic is that she was already depressed and on antidepressants and that she recently broke up with her boyfriend of several years. She worries that in any court battle, the defense would simply assert that that's why she attempted suicide and why she was hospitalized.

Should she press charges? I feel so bad for her - and I can completely understand her not wanting to subject herself to more emotional trauma. But on the other hand, this guy is still out there! And he could do it to somebody else!

I figure this is her battle, but I want to know if I should try to persuade her to press charges. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[redqueen]

1. This hurts to even read about.

I don't know what to tell you. But I'm so sorry for your friend...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear liberalpragmatist...

Oh, how awful...

And what a mess...

I believe she should absolutely press charges. The guy is a rotten criminal scumbag, and he certainly could try to do it again...

She needs to talk to a lawyer, esp. one skilled in these things.

:hug:

[mzteris]

3. has she contacted

anyone from a Rape Crisis Center? Talking to others who really know this issue is very important, regardless of what she decides to do.

:hug: to your friend.

[liberalpragmatist]

4. I don't know

She's staying with her family right now, she's taking time off from school and she's seeing a therapist. I don't want to pry too much - she only told all of us about this recently and we just sort of let her tell us how much she felt comfortable telling. I did ask if she has talked to any support groups for victims of sexual assault, which isn't the same thing as a legal aid organization I realize.

But I could suggest she speak with someone at the Rape Crisis Center.

[Swede]

5. She will carry this the rest of her life.

This guy needs to spend a long time behind bars.

[BeachBaby]

6. I'm sorry to hear this.

I have two questions:

1. In what state did this crime occur?

2. When she was rushed to the hospital for the suicide attempt, did she mention the crime to any hospital staff?

[liberalpragmatist]

12. Answers

1. I'll message you the state (I want to try and keep this a little bit private).

2. From what she told me, I gather that the hospital staff knew. She was in the ER for a couple days (or trauma?) - after she was discharged, she was put in the psych. ward and yes, the doctors treating her there were told, as were her parents and family.

[flvegan]

7. Does she know anyone that can go beat the shit out of the guy?

Sorry, initial knee jerk reaction of mine to rape.

I agree with the others in that she needs counseling from an expert at a crisis center. I think she should call the police and see what they say about filing charges. Fact is, if she doesn't do something, he may do this to someone else.

Hugs to your friend.

[BeachBaby]

8. It may have been your knee-jerk reaction.....

but I think we all know that it has been proven in the past to be more effective than the justice system - on way too many occasions, unfortunately.

[Wapsie B]

11. Times like this would make one desire to have friends in the Mafia.

Just say'n.........

[BeachBaby]

13. Yes. Yes - I know.

And that is all I'm going to say about that.

[liberalpragmatist]

10. Her ex-boyfriend offered

Her ex is actually my best friend - and the two of them are on OK terms (broke up due to long-distance, some other issues, but otherwise they still pretty clearly care about each other) - and his reaction to the news was exactly that: "Who is this guy? I'll fucking kill him."

[Lil Missy]

16. I like this option best. Beat the shit out of that guy.

Unfortunately, the legal system tends to victimize the victim even more.

I had a serious situation once, and my clothes were ripped off. I was forced to do things that I don't care to elaborate here. By a stroke of luck, I was able to get out of the situation.

One of my brothers happened to be there that night. I told him what happened, after I escaped, and my brother tracked him down and beat the piss outta him.

That fucker followed us to a Quik Shop that we went to on the way home, and insisted he'd been mugged. They felt really sorry for him. :eyes:

The asshole insisted I was going to leave with HIM, whether I liked it or not. I told my brother, let's get the fuck outta here, NOW!

To make a long story short, my brother ended up with a broken foot, and the asshole ended up with a broken face, minus his gun.

Moral of the story? The legal system with rip her to shreads.

Better to beat the shit outta him.

[Dr. Strange]

9. Another possibility, if she does go forward...

maybe he's already done this to somebody else. Maybe her coming forward will encourage past victims if there are any.
But she's right, it will be hard. She'll need a lot of support. Good luck to you and her.

[Pierre.Suave]

14. So awful of a thing to do to someone

My heart really goes out to your friend.

As for the scum that did this to her? I agree with Flvegenator, I want to kick his ass.

[tigereye]

15. it's much better to press charges if you can, since that way the person will

be taken to account for what they did. I wish more women would, and it really does help someone to feel better, rather than feeling like you can't because of all the other reasons. I think empowering oneself is critical for healing and punishing those who rape is part of that.

Also women aren't subjected to the same "questions" and negativity that they used to be (for the most part), thank god.

:hug: for her.


There is often physical evidence to help convict those who are violent and rape - I don't know if she had a rape kit done? The suicide attempt is so sad and hopefully she will get some support to press charges when she is ready.

[kimmerspixelated]

17. This guy needs his dick hammered into a stump, then

set it on fire, THEN...hand him a knife!!!

[XemaSab]

18. How awful!

She should make a report to the police, but maybe she could report it, then drop the charges, just so that if he does this to someone else the allegation is in his file? :shrug:

[Deja Q]

19. I was sexually harassed and sexually assaulted in a church. (this IS relevant)

Not by the minister, mind you...

Mum and dad did not believe me and wondered why I never told anyone until (several) years later. Looking back, the sooner one DOES report anything to the police, the better. All things considered...

Now I would otherwise never advocate "suffer the death of thy neighbor", but given the devolved state of humanity it would indeed help others to understand why people do not report these things to the authorities or pretty much anyone else. Being believed or not, personal humiliation despite not being at fault for a damn thing...

Let's just say I can relate fully to the hell she is going through, and wish her peace, recovery, and a prosperous future.

[wartrace]

20. He WILL do it again unless he is stopped.

I hope she has the strength to see him punished. I would love to see him convicted & spend some time in prison. He should have "sex offender" status for the rest of his life. On the other hand, street justice is quicker. We need a few more eunuchs in this country.

[Lil Missy]

21. It does not work out so well for the woman to prosecute, people.

His lawyer will rip you to shreds in court.

If the woman so much as takes an anti-depressant med, she asked for it. (somehow)

Look at the Kobe case. He literally ripped her some new asshole. But he was too important, and the legal gods came down on her fiercely. Including death threats!

It's an uphill battle, and women get victimized again by the legal process.

Now, if a man got raped? That would be an entirely different story, and case for the books.

[Dystopian]

22. I'm sorry, this breaks my heart....

Yes, the Rape Crisis Center is where she should be going...I believe those who run it are survivors.
Secondly, her medical info will be introduced as evidence. From my understanding, it would be the police pressing charges determined by the evidence. Tragic...this happens to so many women. If he does it once and gets away with it...he'll do it again. I pray that she finds an answer....knowing what the system will do to her if it goes to court.....It's very hard to prove, but she's got medical documentation on her side.
My heart goes out to her...

peace~

[LisaL]

23. The medical documentation is from her suicide attempt.

It doesn't sound like she got the rape kit done. In which case there is no physical evidence, and it's her word against his.

[Dystopian]

26. I'm sorry, I wasn't clear....

I was thinking that the medical information from her hospitalization regarding the suicide attempt, and disclosure regarding the rape could be used in court. She almost killed herself because of this...
This hits close to home for many of us....I think that one out of four women are rape victims.
This is really breaking my heart...
Peace and love to your friend...may she find closure and peace of mind.

peace~

[Danger Mouse]

24. Just have somebody cut off his dick. Problem solved.

[Skittles]

25. she needs to report him

the cops need that bastard's name

[Midlodemocrat]

27. Should she press charges? Absofuckinglutely.

Prayers and vibes to your friend and to you for being there for her.

Her attempt at suicide has no bearing on this. Does the fact that someone who is raped doesn't attempt suicide mean it didn't occur? Of course not.

Hold her hand, dial 911 and tell her to do the right thing. Tell her that if this pig did it to her, he'll do it again.

[OmahaBlueDog]

28. She might want to talk with the folks at her locak sexual assault crisis center

The advocates there are understanding, and will be able to intelligently discuss her concerns and fears and talk to her about the reporting process. They can also talk to her about support groups and other available resources.

[elshiva]

29. Sorry about this, I wish I could tell you what to do.

Both my mom and my maternal grandma got raped. So sorry. :(
:hug: :hug:

[RedCloud]

30. She needs to find the will to do this...

You cannot simply predict what will happen in the court. If this classmate rapist knew she was on antidepressants it could get real ugly for him. And I hope it does!

[crim son]

31. I can only imagine her state of mind

but in her place, even with the psychiatric history, I would report the man with the understanding that prosecution would be difficult, painful and possibly unsuccessful... but she will have taken action. The helplessness of her situation is what hurts. Maybe making a report would help her regain her perception of control.

I'm one of the one in four, and I wish I'd reported it. So sad and sorry for your friend.

[lunatica]

32. Well she doesn't have to decide right this second, so in time she can be persuaded

To press charges. There are things to consider about rape. Lots of people think (or hope) that by not talking about it that the pain or the fear will go away. That in time the trauma will fade. The facts are very different.

She will have many things to overcome because of this action. Her fear of being alone with any man. Her memory of being raped when and if she wants to have a sexual relationship. The tendency to succumb to being a victim as opposed to being a woman who has been victimized by a man who was stronger than she is. There's some very subtle psychological crap that will happen if she allows him to get away with taking something that's far more important than the physical violation. It's natural to want to avoid having the rape become public knowledge because women feel the rape was so humiliating that they can't stand the idea of people finding out. Like I said, there's a lot of subtle layers of crap.

But if she fights back she can prove to herself that she has the ability to stand up for herself and that she isn't a victim. She has been victimized which can happen to anyone, no matter how strong they are or how bad ass they act. Everyone can be victimized. A victim is someone who things of themselves as being powerless and ineffective and who feels they are weak. Knowing the difference is important which is why she needs to talk to people who counsel rape victims. Talking to her family and her friends isn't enough, or even necessarily the best thing to do. You've seen how so many DUers have reacted with anger and thoughts of violence. That's a natural reaction, especially from men, but rape victims shrink in horror from this because it's violent and angry. What a rape victim needs is sympathy and strength and a calm sanctuary. They need to time to recover and to start feeling their confidence return and they need a safe space to do it.

She will be dealing with this for the rest of her life. She can choose whether it'll be poorly or in a way that will make her stronger. Pressing charges is the strong thing to do, and she will be stronger for doing it. It will go a long way in her healing. She might even become an advocate and help other women who get raped.