You know, it's really tough sometimes...

[Javaman]

I fill a chair at my job, push the papers, deal with employee issues and take care of the various odds and ends that no one else wants to deal with here.

It can be a very thankless job.

I was doing pretty good for a while, given the economy and all, I'm thankful I have the one job that no one else wants to do.

However, sometimes, this job, gets to me. First off, it's certainly not "the" job I have always wanted. It's the paycheck job. The job that pays the bills, that keeps the lights on and a roof over my head.

I just had one of those moments that, although might seem insignificant to most people, it was soul crushing to me. why? because I'm stuck here. I need the health plan, I need the income and most of all, I need the job.

I do a good job, I do what I'm asked and then some. I have a "good attitude", I'm never late on requests and am well informed in the areas that I deal with, yet, when some person, who knows nothing of what I deal with or claims to have more information than I do, tells me I'm wrong and goes on stubbornly in the face of overwhelming evidence and that person being my boss, I wonder what's the point?

I mean, what the fuck?

He wants me to be the authority in a particular area, know all the in's and out's on something, yet claims no knowledge on the subject and goes on to question my expertize.

WHAT.THE.FUCK? What's the point to it all?

The worst part of all of this is, he will now go on to call one of our vendors to try and prove is he's right when I know for a fact he will be proven wrong. And he won't apologize to me.

He never does for anything. Never says thank you or please.

I hate my job. I really do. But I'm stuck here. I suck it up. I go home and zone out for a while to decompress from this bizarre alternative reality. I work in my garden. It gives me peace.

My wife helps me keep my sanity.

So I won't know how this will turn out until one day it's just different. which means, the boss, was wrong but rather than admit it, he will just change it so he's right. he has that power.

Soul crushing.

We all make choices in our lives. I made a choice, once upon a time to take this job. I've been here 10 years. 10 years too long. I'm tired. I've aged. but, like I said, I'm stuck here.

I'm so tired. so very tired.

I needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.

Peace.

[Haole Girl]

1. Life can be a struggle

Not just monetarily, either. :hug:

[Javaman]

6. :) thanks. nt

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear Javaman...

It is really tough sometimes, and I think you are a positive hero for carrying on, day after day, under such soul-crushing circumstances...

And especially with a boss who doesn't appreciate you or your knowledge!

That has to especially suck.

I hope you find a way out, I truly do.

:hug:

[Javaman]

5. Thanks :)

thanks for the support. :)

[lizziegrace]

3. You're doing what you have to

to stay sane. Gardening and family obviously help you.

I have a friend who says he checks his soul at the door when he goes to work. Many of us do.

I hope that when the economy finally turns around, those of us who find little personal fulfillment in our work will have a chance to make some changes.

:hug:

[Javaman]

4. Checks soul at the door...

I think I have to start doing that.

Thanks for the kind words.

[blogslut]

7. The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Keep going. Keep loving your wife, your family and friends. Keep searching out for what uplifts your soul.

[Javaman]

8. what a profound statement.

I know that look. that caught in the headlights look. The look of working to live.

these days, that look is becoming harder and harder to hide.

more pain, more desperate, more fearful.

Thanks for you words. :)

[blogslut]

15. I totally stole that from Thoreau

Here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walden

[mreilly]

9. I hear you!

I have worked for two people (so far...) like you describe. I had to really detach myself to survive on the job. They were always right. Period. Whatever you did was wrong (at least if it conflicted with them being right). Period. It got to the point that I refused to say or offer or contribute ANYTHING unless I was directly asked to do so. I would work all day exhibiting careful reserve while envisioning throwing punches or sneering insults face-to-face.

But miraculously, both situations resolved themselves. The first guy had a manager who was just as much of a dick as he was (if not more) and wound up actually walking off the job one day. Quit on the spot. When we were told there was a roomful of suppressed smiles. I went home and drank a six pack of beer that night, relishing the thought I would NEVER see that boss again - or if I did I could say whatever I wanted to him since the company considered him a basket case.

In the second situation my manager was demoted because the company recognized he wasn't managerial material. I still work with him and he's not a bad guy as a coworker (though from time to time you can still see flashes of what made him a bad leader) now that his role has changed - but I can guarantee I wouldn't have stayed if he was my boss.

Keep your chin up; these things have a way of working out. :-)

[Javaman]

12. Thanks, but I work at a company that is very thick in the "good ol'boys" network.

they only way he will leave is if 1)he finds another job (which he never will, he has it easy) or 2) he dies.(sadly, he's relatively young)

It's going to be up to me to leave.

[lukasahero]

10. OMG I could have written this post last Wednesday

:hug:

The worst part is I gave up a job I loved where I was part of a real team and respected for my ability and work ethic to come here - for medical benefits and some time off.

I keep reminding myself of that - I'm here for the benefits and the vacation time allows me to spend more time with my family. My husband had cardiac bypass surgery last year and while benefits are the reason I work here, the extra time I get to spend with him now is the reason I stay sane doing so.

My heart goes out to you. :hug: again.

[Javaman]

13. Thanks.

If we did get universal health, I would be out of here in a heart beat.

I've struggled in the past, but not having healthcare, that's the clincher to stay, sadly.

[laylah]

11. ...

:hug:

[Javaman]

14. thanks.

:hug: back at you.