One week. I'm looking at pictures of the republican. Everybody says he's ugly -

[crim son]

you wouldn't believe my kids who have learned to hate him for, I guess, obvious reasons. I just see his eyes and smile. I thought I'd blog it but he might read the thing and feel good about dumping me (we don't want that) and then I wrote to a friend, but that friend takes it all too much to heart, and worries that I'll do something insane, like call him.

I won't call. The last episode made it obvious that we need to give it up. He's better at it than I am! but then, he's been dating for more than a decade and he is my first Love after the end of my marriage.

And graywarrior, don't tell me that I know what you think.

You are probably all asleep and damned if I'm not disappointing Lil Missy for posting this personal shit online.

On edit at 1:23 a.m.: This was my small vent. I'll sleep now and will wake with new resolve. Thanks.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. I'm not asleep, my dear crim son...

It's still early here, just after 10 PM...

Ugly is in the eye of the beholder...

It's what you see inside that matters...

:hug:

[crim son]

3. Inside he was a brilliant, sad and angry man.

You know how initial attraction is often based on something very fleeting and perhaps trivial? Well, I caught his eye and was immediately screwed though I didn't know it at the time.

They hate him because he has been irrational and hard but I know why he's like that. It won't be fixed and so he needs somebody much stronger, or maybe less strong, I don't know. He always said "You think you know everything." I don't in fact think that, so it was his issue, one of his greatest.

So I've vented. Peggy, how are you? Have you had a recital since the last one I saw you post about when it didn't go as well as you'd hoped? -L

[CaliforniaPeggy]

9. Vent all you want. sweetie!

And indeed, I did have a very successful poetry reading last night...

I read two erotic poems, and I held that crowd in the palm of my hand!

You could have heard a pin drop...

And the applause?

Deafening!

More than enough to make up for last week...

Thanks for asking, sweetie...:hug:

[crim son]

11. I'm truly glad for you.

You have discovered one of your true gifts! :hug:

[FedUpWithIt All]

2. ...

:hug:

I'm sorry your going through this.

[crim son]

5. I've been going through it for two solid years and I swear I'd do it for another twenty

if he weren't such an asshole when he feels insecure. Now he is permanently gone - one week - and I'm trying to forgive and forget.

I suppose one week isn't very long. We fought every week, but our breakups never lasted more than a couple of days. We said we couldn't live without one another which of course is not true.

[FedUpWithIt All]

13. I was in an unhealthy relationship for a number of years after my divorce.

I am not even sure if it can be called a relationship. In fact I was just out of it when i started coming 'round these parts.

I was used. I see it very clearly now. He would keep me in a box, only worth something to him when he needed me to satisfy something in him (ie. ego, sex, comfort...).

It was very intense and VERY chemical. Years flew by. I learned that extremely positive passion has the potential reverse of extremely negative passion.

We played a brutal push/pull. One of us would always be fighting for the power in the relationship. Whoever was currently causing the pain was "the winner". Winning meant that the "loser" was hurting and therefore under the control of the winner. We would push the buttons that we knew would get a response and the attention (however unhealthy) we craved. Over time we numbed and needed to find ever more harmful material to elicit the desired response.

My children hated him in a visceral way. They still cringe at the mere mention of him. They saw what i could not. I used to think i saw something they did not. It was only after a took a REAL step away from him that i realized that their perception of him was in fact the more accurate. I saw what i WANTED him to be. They saw what he was.

It ended, for me, quite suddenly. One day he just said the wrong thing. It hurt too deeply. Something broke and i was finally able to take a step back, nearly in shock. I don't know what made that particular hurt "different". I no longer loved/hated him. I just wanted to get away from him.

It was difficult for a time and we wandered back into each other's worlds once or twice but memory of the words he had said haunted every single minute. He did not look, smell or feel the same.

I was alone for a while. It was good for me. I was foolish at times as i tried to navigate back into the world. I grew and learned about myself and what is important to me. I grew a distaste for conflict and drama.

Now, i cannot even remember more than a couple of good moments from that time in my life.

When i say i am sorry you are going through this it comes from this place. I know the details are probably not the same but the hurt, confusion, anger, grief, frustration, loneliness...are somewhat universal. I wish you freedom from them.





:hug:

[lizziegrace]

4. ...

Not calling is the right thing. It's not easy.

We'll prop you up. Promise.

:hug:

[crim son]

6. I will never call him again.

Happy Birthday, Lovely lizziegrace. I hope it has been a kind day. :hug:

[lizziegrace]

7. We both have found

that you can't fix someone, no matter how much you care. Sad too. So much baggage and so much joy missed.

[crim son]

8. Did it feel like Christmas with him?

But I guess it doesn't matter. Thank you for reminding me that there are good people out there who know exactly what I'm feeling. Goodnight, LG.

[lizziegrace]

10. I wanted Christmas.

More than anything. But in the end, it wasn't my decision to make.

:hug:

night...

[crim son]

12. Sleep well.

I felt the Christmas. It's why I was so determined to buck the odds and ignore the critics. Now I'm wondering: if that feeling meant nothing, that what does, in fact, hold meaning? I'm back to big bank accounts and that's where I'll place my allegiance in the future. The sweet, sensitive men dislike me for not being quite as sweet, nor sensitive. Bitter laugh. :loveya:

[graywarrior]

14. My best friend is going through the exact same thing

All I can do is listen and support. So, my door is open to you, crim. No judgement...just an shoulder.