Friday joke time! Post a joke here for all to enjoy!

[KansDem]

A rather diminutive man walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. The bartender, a rather burly man, asks him what he would like. The man says, “Two martinis, please.” Well, the bartender prepares two martinis and places them on the bar. The man drinks one martini and pours the other one down his pocket. The bartender, thinking this odd, just shrugs his shoulders and goes about his bartending duties. The man orders two more martinis. The bartender prepares them and sets them on the bar and the man again drinks one martini and pours the other one down his pocket. The bartender is again perplexed but figures the customer to be just an odd character. Well, the man orders two more martinis, which the bartender prepares for him, and the scene is repeated. Finally the bartender’s curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “Why do you order two martinis, drink one, and pour the other one down your pocket?” The man suddenly jumps up off the stool, knocking it over, and clenches his fists and teeth. “YEAH?," he shouts, "You want a piece of me? You may be a lot bigger than I am and I may look little to you, but I’m not afraid of you and I’ll take you on right here and I’ll kick your ass!!!” Upon shouting this, a mouse jumps out of the man’s pocket and yells, “And that goes for your damn cat, too!”

[lazyriver]

1. Palin/Jindal 2012...how's that?

[mcctatas]

2. +1

!!!

:rofl:

[Name removed]

3. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[KansDem]

6. A man goes to see a pyschologist...

A man goes to see a psychologist. "Doc, you gotta help me. For several weeks now I dream I'm driving a truck from Los Angels to Fresno. It takes all night and when I wake up in the morning, I'm exhausted! I'm tired all day and it's affecting my work!" The psychologist thinks for a moment and says, "I've got an idea. The next time you go to bed and start dreaming this dream, drive the truck from Los Angeles but when you get to Bakersfield, pull over and give me a call. I'll come and drive the truck from Bakersfield to Fresno while you check into a motel for some sleep. Let's see if that'll solve your problem." The man agrees to the plan and leaves.

A couple of days later, the psychologist gets a phone call from the man. "Doc, you're a genius! When I go to bed and start dreaming about driving a truck from Los Angeles to Fresno, I do like you told me to: I stop in Bakersfield and give you a call. You come to drive the truck to Fresno and I check into a motel and get plenty of sleep. I wake up the next morning rested! Thanks!"

The psychologist, feeling proud of himself, gets a call from another man. "Doc, you gotta help me. Each night when I go to bed, I dream about 12 women who come over to my house and want me to satisfy them. I'm up all night and when I wake up in the morning, I'm exhausted! I'm tired all day and it's affecting my work!" The psychologist thinks he can apply the same strategy as he did with his previous patient so he tells the man, "I've got an idea. The next time you go to bed and start dreaming about 12 women wanting you to satisfy them, give me a call and I'll come over. I'll take six of the women. You should then be finished in half the time. That will give you plenty of time to sleep. Let's see if that'll solve your problem." The man agrees to the plan and leaves.

A couple of days later, the psychologist gets a call from the second man. "Doc, it's just not working out." "What?" thought the psychologist, "Why? It worked so well the first time." "Why isn't it working out for you?" he asks the man. "Well, when I go to bed at night and fall asleep and dream about these 12 women who come over to my house and want me to satisfy them, I do like you suggested and call you, but your answering service tells my you off driving a truck from Bakersfield to Fresno!"

[snooper2]

9. ROFL

Good one... :hi:

[radfringe]

4. a guy goes into a bar

he orders a shot of 12 year old scotch

the bartemder, figuring the guy wouldn't know the difference anyways, pours him a shot of a 3-year old scotch.

the guy take the drink, spits it out and says "ugggg, that's 3-year old scotch. I ordered 12-year old scotch.

the bartender raises an eyebrow, "you know your scotch. tell me how old this one is' - and he sets down another drink

the guy drinks it and says "that's 8 year old scotch"

the bartender says "you're right, here's your 12-year scotch - no charge"

at the end of the bar is another drinker, who watched the whole exchange. He staggers up to the guy, sets down a glass and says "try this one"

the guy takes a swig, spits it out and sputters "that tastes like PISS!!!"

the other drinker smiles and says "yup, how old am I?"

[KansDem]

5. "Two drunks are walking on a railroad track..."

Two drunks are walking on a railroad track. The first drunk says, "This is the longest flight of stairs I've ever been on!" to which the second drunk says, "Yeah, but it's this low handrail that's killing me!"

[Inchworm]

12. LoL

:rofl:

:thumbsup:

[Bake]

7. City Slicker and Country Boy

Are walking down the road, when they see a dog lying the grass, licking his balls. City Slicker says, "I wish I could do that!"

Country Boy says, "That dog'd BITE YOU!!!!"

:rofl:

Bake

[KansDem]

10. A man was taking a walk through the park...

A man was taking a walk through the park when he happened upon another man sitting on a park bench. A dog lay at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" the man asked. "No," replied the bench sitter. The man bent over to pet the dog. The dog snarled and snapped at the man, who quickly pulled his hand back. Somewhat upset, the man said, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The man on the bench replied, "That's not my dog!"

[DS1]

8. A man driving a car accidentally hits a woman standing still

Who is at fault?






The man.






For driving in the kitchen.

[KansDem]

14. A wife is upset about the lack of affection her husband is showing toward her

A wife is upset about the lack of affection her husband is showing toward her. She calls a therapist who advises both of them to come in and see him. The couple arrives for their appointment and are seated in the therapist's office. "I understand you are not fulfilling some of your marital responsibilities," the therapist tells the husband. "Huh?" the husband responds. "It's come to my attention that you are somewhat lacking in providing your wife with the physical and emotional needs she so much desires." "Huh?" the husband responded again. Frustrated by the husband's inability to understand, the counselor says, "Let me demonstrate..." He asks the wife to disrobe, then makes love to her. While they both are putting their clothes back on, the therapist turns to the husband and says, "See what I mean? Your wife should have this three times a week!" The husband, noticing the satisfied look on his wife's face, says, "Yes, I see now what you mean. We'll be back next Tuesday for another treatment."

[Common Sense Party]

24. A doctor is talking to a patient's wife. "Your husband is very sick,

but it's not hopeless. You just have to make sure of a few things. First, you have to make sure that he eats three, square, hot meals a day."

"Okay."

"And you have to make sure that he gets eight hours of uninterrupted, peaceful sleep every night."

"Sure."

"And you're going to have to make love to him three times a day."

"Three times a day?"

"Yes, three times a day. At a minimum."

The woman goes out to the waiting room and her husband asks, "Well? What did he say?"

"He says you're going to die."

[Inchworm]

11. What is brown and sticky?

read this on DU somewhere the other day.

:D

[Dr. Strange]

13. Hee hee.

Heard this one on the DU too:

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

[Common Sense Party]

25. Soup?

[Common Sense Party]

22. A stick?

[Inchworm]

28. yay!

:rofl:

It makes me smile.

:hi:

[Common Sense Party]

29. Me, too.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

[Inchworm]

31. Dunno, what?

:D

[Common Sense Party]

32. No eye deer.

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.
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.
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("No idear")

[radfringe]

15. My favorite "easter joke" - Warning to the easily offended - don't read

Jesus is on the cross, He's looking over the crowd gathered below him. He sees an old childhood friend, Joseph and calls to him

"Joseph! Joseph!"

Joseph hears him and starts running up the hill "Yes, Jesus I hear you, I'm coming"

the Roman guards fearing a some sort of riot may break out, grab Joseph and beat him up.

Jesus calls out again "Joseph! Joseph!"

Joseph gets to his knees, then manages to stand and starts hobbling up the hill "Yes, Jesus I hear you, I'm coming"

The Romans guards grab Joseph again, this time they break his legs. Joseph is lying there bruised, bloodied moaning in pain from the broken legs.

Jesus calls out again "Joseph! Joseph!"

Joseph starts clawing and dragging himself up the hill. "Yes, Jesus I hear you, I'm coming". This time the Roman guards just let him go.

Joseph finally makes it to the base of the cross. he looks up at Jesus "Yes, Jesus, I am here - what do you want?"

Jesus looks down at the bloodied and broken Joseph and says "Joseph. Joseph. I can see your house from up here"

[geardaddy]

21. Yep, that's a classic.

lol

[Felix Mala]

16. A nun, a dog and a clown walk into a bar.

They take a seat near the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, what is this? A joke?"

[guitar man]

17. OK

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

A doctor requested that his 88-year-old patient have a sperm count as part of his annual physical exam..The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 88-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor? The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the damned jar open!

:rofl:

[KansDem]

18. LOL!!!

Thanks! Just in time for the weekend! :hi:

[geardaddy]

23. LOL

I'll have to remember that one!

[Common Sense Party]

19. This old doctor always went to the same neighborhood bar

because he liked how Dick the bartender made almond daiquiris. Every day after work he'd go in and enjoy an almond daiquiri.

One day, shortly before 5:00, Dick realized he didn't have any almonds, and the good doctor would be along soon. So he used some hickory nuts instead, figuring the doctor would not be able to tell the difference.

The doctor sat down at the bar, took a sip and noticed that the drink did not taste right.

He asked, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"

Sheepishly, the bartender replied, "No. It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

[applegrove]

26. LOL!

[Common Sense Party]

20. Old lady says to old man in a nursing home,

"If you drop your drawers I can tell you how old you are."

"Really? OK." The old guy drops trou.

"You're eighty three."

"Wow! How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

[KamaAina]

27. So a priest, a rabbi and a cheese sandwich walk into a bar...

:P

[janx]

30. Skeleton walks into a bar

and orders a beer and a mop.