Why am I so afraid to see my father tomorrow? It's the last time I'll see him for

[Mike 03]

three weeks as he goes through chemo and stem cell transplant, and I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, and I also know he doesn't like for his children to see him in a weakened state. But I need for him to know how much I care, so I have to go through this.

I'm so anxious all the time lately. I want to be positive, without being a pollyanna, and I want to be real. But these last couple of weeks, I can't even sleep, and that makes me act strange when I see him, and I hate that.

I think the right thing to do now is just support him 100% with his decision to get this stem cell transplant, and to be totally optimistic.

But I'm not the greatest actor in the world. I just feel so depressed about this, and for some reason I'm finding myself resisting doing some things I think I should do, like insist on being there during the operation. But on the other hand, my dad says he wants to be alone, wants his privacy.

It's torturing me trying to figure out the right thing to do?

Do I obey my father's expressed desires, or be there with him during the operations?

This is the closest I have ever felt to losing my mind.

I just want to do the right thing.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear Mike 03...

Go...see your dad.

As far as you can, be yourself. You'll see how it is. He's taking on a new role, one of older invalid guy, and his lesser role will be as your dad.

Show him respect, and love.

I think you feel as though you're losing your mind simply because you don't have answers yet, to all your questions.

But I also think that things will be clearer as you visit him...

Hugs for you both!

:hug: :hug:

[Mike 03]

4. Thank you so much. I can't stop tearing up because it's so nice to get some direct response

to my fears. ]
Thank you.

[Shell Beau]

2. Just act how you feel. Don't try to be anything.

I am so sorry. It has to be hard. :hug: You can be strong and weak at the same time. Just feel what you feel.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

3. This one, right now,

isn't about you.

It's about your father. And your mother.

And, as you've posted before, they've stated quite clearly that they'd prefer to handle this on their own, just the two of them.

So, it's time to be the "big kid" and put your own reaction aside, see your parents, tell them clearly what that you love and respect them, and then leave them to do what they have to do.

If they hadn't been so adamant and precise in their wishes, your swirling emotions would be understandable.

But they didn't.

They were plain and simple about it. Your churning feelings are about you, and that is probably one of the reasons they want to handle the upcoming procedures themselves. They only have so much energy, and they need it for themselves.

This is the hard part of being someone's child. You want them to comfort you - not that you're aware of it - but you do. And they don't have that in them right now. They can only take care of themselves.

This is where we all grow up. And we become adults and honor our parents' wishes, even when they go against the very things that might ease our own minds.

We're on our own.

Tone it down. You're creating your own craziness. I understand your fear at what's happening to your father, but that's not under your control. Of course you're upset, but you need to get out of your own head and do something else. Go volunteer with a food bank or a homeless shelter. Take your head out of your head and get it cleared.

What's going on in your life - the illness and mortality of a parent - is part of life, the eternal cycle. You'll see it in your own children, how they need you and then they need to let go so that they can be the happy, independent people you want them to be. Right now, your parents need you not to need them, and they want you to be a happy, independent son.

It will all go as it has to go. Hope for the best, and do the best you can. I wish you all good luck ............................

[Mike 03]

5. Thank you. Yes, you are right, I have posted this same query three times now, and

I admit, pathetically, I still can't figure it out. It became more complicated after last week's decisions by his oncologist.

I don't want it to be about me at all. I dream about hoping I could just die in my sleep.

Tomorrow I will express my feelings to the best of my ability. I will do what they say I should do, and if I can help them, especially my mother who is the primary caregiver, do so.

Thank you for the thoughtful guidance.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

6. As I recall, according to your report,

and yes, I've been following your posts, the decision was made by your father, not by the oncologist. The doctor does NOT make the decision - the patient does. That's important to keep in mind.

It's important because it's definitive of the situation right now. Your father and mother are defining the boundaries, and I think it's really cool that they were able to do so in such a plain manner. It speaks well to their relationship with their children - strong and healthy enough to be able to express their needs, secure in the knowledge that those needs will be respected.

There's nothing to figure out, Mike. You're frightened. Your father is dying, and you're frightened. We all end up there, each and every one of us. We all lose our most beloved ones, and that is, as I said, the eternal cycle of life. We're only here, remember, to replace our parents. They know it, and now you know it, too.

We all want to die in our sleep. Some get to pick that, others don't.

But now is hardly the time to be concerned about how you're going to die. Right now, as you noted, and as I stated, it is NOT about you. The grown-up stuff is when you are able to put yourself off to the side and allow the main players - your parents - to have center stage. This is not your time. It is theirs.

It is theirs, and you are just a witness. A beloved witness, but a witness, nonetheless.

Just go and say what you have in your heart and don't make yourself into a burden. You have to be strong for them, and that means sucking it up. You'll be very proud of yourself afterwards - so will your parents. So will I.

Good luck, and let DU know how it goes...................