*sigh* Poor LyricKid. I had always dreaded this day.

[Lyric]

I guess the other kids at school have started trying to sort out the "pecking order." :( I knew it had to happen eventually. He came home just devastated because he doesn't have the "cool" toys, or the "right" clothes, or the "in" shoes, and because he made the mistake of telling someone that he lives in a mobile home park, and someone called him an ugly name because of it. LyricKid told the teacher, the other kid denied it, and because the other kid is a "cool" kid, none of the other kids were willing to confirm it. Now he's being picked on for being a tattletale along with everything else. All of this has happened just within the past few weeks.

I remember this bullshit all too well. The same shit happened to me. I thank my lucky stars every day that at least he isn't fat or physically unattractive; sure, it's a shallow thing to concern myself with, but at least they can't single him out for THAT, too. I was the fat girl (and the "poor" kid, and the "smart" kid) in my class, and let me tell you, my school days were a fucking nightmare. We're moving at the end of this summer, and he'll get to start over at a new school with different kids, so maybe that will help.

I will never understand why this vicious little social-acceptance ritual has to take place. Any ideas for helping him deal with it? If I could afford to buy him nicer clothes and shoes, I would, but we just can't right now--it'll be a few months before we get our student aid again. Hell, I wouldn't even know what the cool stuff IS. I have no sense of fashion at all, and I never have.

Plenty of you guys are middle-class types, right? What are your 9 and 10 year olds wearing, so we know what to get at the end of the summer? And other than the new Nintendo DSi (which is apparently the Biggest Thing right now at his school) what other "stuff" should we be looking for good deals on when his birthday comes around at the end of this month? I'm willing to provide him with at least some of this stuff, because I'm not going to force him to be my Principles Hobbyhorse when he's hurting. :(

I'm getting in the shower in a second, but I'll be back in a little while. Thanks all.

:grouphug:

[Strong Atheist]

1. Sorry about that. This type of stuff happened to me...

:hug:

[Shell Beau]

2. I am sorry. I know it must hurt to see him upset.

Kids can be so cruel sometimes. :hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

3. Game Stop is offering a special on the DSi.

If you turn in your old one, they give you credit for it, so that you can get the new one for about $100.

IIRC, he got a DS for Christmas a year or so back, right?

I'll ask BabyM. But, try TJ Maxx for American Eagle stuff and Hollister. If you do go to the store, go straight to the back of the store for the sale rack.

And, I'm sorry. That sucks. He's a doll baby, too.

[DS1]

4. PiMP

[Midlodemocrat]

7. Que?

[Lyric]

16. Yep, he sure did.

We were thinking that too, about turning in the old one and using the credit toward the new one.

Thanks sweetness for the sympathies.

:hug:

[Soylent Brice]

5. it'll be okay.

as long as you are there for him.

i didn't have much growing up. i was tortured by my peers in school. i turned out okay, and i have a much stronger appreciation for everything i own.

if he's strong willed he'll be alright.

[JVS]

6. Teach him how to kick ass.

[DS1]

8. and chew bubblegum

[JVS]

10. Next time they mock him for not having the right pants or shoes, he can kick their asses and take...

theirs. Then he'll be not only cool, but feared.

[Pierre.Suave]

15. Then

take his bubblegum...

[Dogtown]

39. But don't give him any bubblegum

'cause he's supposed to declare himself temporarily out of gum whilst announcing himself...

[LeftyMom]

17. Then he's the poor kid who got kicked out of school for fighting.

Is the idea that his social life will be better in Juvenile Hall?

[sniffa]

26. That's assuming he gets kicked out

or that it happens on school grounds. The bigger the audience for when the bully gets taken down the quicker any bullying will stop so I recommend the cafeteria. If they use the sturdy lunch trays use one as a weapon (first shot will be your best).

[Lyric]

18. When I was a kid, this was good advice.

In this day and age of "Touch another kid and get expelled," not so much.

[Midlodemocrat]

33. Yeah, the take him out advice doesn't play well in Peoria anymore.

I PM'd you.

And, I do have some advice if you want to take it. Call me tomorrow or PM me back.

[HopeHoops]

9. My three girls have gone through all of that.

We don't watch TV so they don't even KNOW what the "cool stuff to have" happens to be. When we ask what they want for Christmas, my youngest always answers "yarn" - she can crochet like the wind. They've all picked their own styles throughout the years and curiously a lot of them have caught on with other kids. They've also been the ones to seek out "the outcasts" and befriend them. If anything, it has given them MORE self-confidence, not less.

Let LyricKid know that the strength to be yourself is far more powerful than the superficial ability to follow "the popular kids". My youngest was recently chastised for not wearing matching outfits. Her response was to pick the most hideous combination of contrasting items she could find for the next day to mess with that girl's head.

On those occasions where the issue of "what will everyone think" has come up, I've pointed out that my wife and I both had bullies and peer-pressure specialists when we were in school. It doesn't matter what they think - they probably don't even remember us. At my 15th reunion, it was almost all band people and academically oriented people. The ones that were so concerned about social status in high school either didn't have the time to show up or were too embarrassed to show up. They weren't there, but they were contacted - I got the full distribution list.

As for the DSi, my dad got each of the girls one of the original DS things for Christmas back when they came out. The games are expensive. They used them for a while, but I haven't seen one out in a long time. Ask LyricKid if that's something he actually wants or just something he is "supposed to have". If it isn't what he wants, get him a nice electric guitar and a good practice amp or something he actually DOES want.

Caving to peer pressure on what to wear, buy, drive, or listen to is exactly what leads to smoking, drug use, early sexual activity, and a lot of other things I got involved in. I wasn't very confident. Self-confidence is the best defense against those things.

That's my rant on the issue.

[alphafemale]

35. Great post

Caving in to what shallow people think you should be is exactly the wrong issue to send a kid.

"If you wear the right clothes...or have the right game system they'll like you!"

um...

No.

They won't.

Bravo to you and your family.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

37. This sounds like a D.A.R.E. commercial

"Caving to peer pressure on what to wear, buy, drive, or listen to is exactly what leads to smoking, drug use, early sexual activity, and a lot of other things I got involved in."

There's nothing wrong with buying the kid some stuff she can afford. Why make him be a martyr?

If I had extra money, I'd buy him a DSi myself.

[HopeHoops]

41. Oh, there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting him the DSi if that's what he wants.

My point was "what he wants", not "what he thinks he is supposed to have." If that's what he really wants, then great!

[Arugula Latte]

11. This stuff breaks my heart.

We came from a middle class area, and when our school merged with three others in "junior high" as they called it, it was clear we were the odd people out. I remember the viciousness of those rich assholes, and I think part of that has fueled my anti-Republicanism for years (most of these rich kids and their parents were all big Ronnie lovers).

You've probably told him that anyone who would act like that toward him just because of silly things like clothes is not worth having as a friend. He probably won't appreciate that now, but it will implant itself in his brain anyway.

My son tells me that long basketball shorts are "in" for boys (that's basically all he wears these days). Don't know if that's true in all areas. Maybe you can find some "cool" brands used. It takes more searching, definitely.

:grouphug:

[Midlodemocrat]

13. You can get basketball shorts at WalMart for cheap.

[LeftyMom]

12. Check your PM.

:hi:

[Sequoia]

14. Sorry, I can't help but according to my kid I'd be better off living with the Amish.

[Lex]

19. It's tough defending yourself from bullies, because they're often ignored or backed-up

by the authority figures.

If you are a fat kid, the teacher might say "why not lose weight" to the kid being picked on, instead of deal with the Bully.

If you are gay, you might be labeled a trouble-maker for defending yourself against the homophobic crap.

I'm sorry LyricKid is having to deal with this at a tender age.

[Lyric]

20. Oh god. I can't WAIT for the little cretins at his school to find out that his parents

are a lesbian couple.

No really--can't wait. THEN I'll have a rock-solid reason to make the administrators keep them the hell away from him.

[flvegan]

21. That sucks. My family was quite poor when I was 9, and I remember

getting picked on for it. I was also lucky enough to be an overweight kid, too. Parts of my childhood really sucked because of it. Kids can be really cruel to each other.

But you know, and I can't believe I'm admitting this...I'm glad I was poor then, looking back. Matter of fact, the more I think of it, I'm very very thankful. I wouldn't know how to explain that to a 9 or 10 year old, nor how that not having "stuff" like your schoolmates doesn't really matter in the long run though.

Looking back over my post, I haven't been shit worth of a help, have I? They don't call me idiot6 for nothing.

[bigwillq]

22. Oh jeez.

I hate that kind of shit. :hug: Kids make fun of other kids to feel better about themselves. They do it so they're not the ones being made fun off. It's so sad.

I really have no advice. Just a hug. :hug:

[Sky Masterson]

23. Oh man.

I wasn't a cool kid either nor did I have the cool clothes.
What I did was,If someone teased me about something, that I didn't show any reaction or act like it even bothered me.
It became less fun for the assholes ribbing me so they quickly dropped it and left me alone.
Hell I don't know. :hug:
Godspeed you all through this.
:hug:

[sniffa]

24. Have him beat the snot out of one of the kids

Doesn't matter if it's a big bully or a small bully. It will stop almost immediately.

It worked for me but it took quite a few tries at it because I'm a terrible fighter.

[JVS]

29. Have him beat the snot out of all the kids!

[sniffa]

30. That works too

but probably unnecessary - he may get kicked out for that. One or three is enough.

[SeattleGirl]

25. Aw, man, I hate that shit.

Freakin' little meanies!

I went through that too, though by the time I was in high school, I was more in the "neutral" group, which I guess was a step up.

For me, my finest revenge came at my 10 year high school reunion Most of the "cool kids" were still living in that tiny little town, working at tiny little meaningless, go-nowhere jobs. I left that stuff in the dust. They found out that "cool" doesn't often last past high school.

As for right now, though, big hugs for LyricKid and you.

[dugaresa]

27. middle class kids get picked on too and same for rich kids

the pecking order is always there.

i guess we are "middle class". my eldest is shy and takes a long time to warm up to people. he wears jeans and t-shirts to school. to try and help him out, i went to marshalls (discount store) and bought some polo shirts and stuff thinking that might make a difference. it doesn't. the type A personalities are always there to squash those they do not like or do not understand. he loves school but just despises a lot of the kids. he is a good looking kid by all standards but that doesn't matter if you don't fit into the clics.

[grace0418]

28. Been there for sure. Chubby, smart, weird, poor arty girl with glasses and crazy teeth.

My clothes were usually hand-me-downs from a rich family my mom knew who's daughter was a year ahead of me in school. So of course everyone knew I was wearing the clothes she no longer wanted. When I finally got braces I had to wear rubber bands that actually extended from the upper left of my mouth to the bottom right. So, one step short of headgear. Oh, and did I mention I also developed breasts before most of the other girls too? So yeah, I had almost every trait kids like to mock in grade school (and junior high, and high school). School was real fun. :eyes:

BUT... part of me really appreciates not having it so easy growing up. I learned empathy and to truly appreciate people who are different. I learned to see how pathetic people can be with their climbing and their keeping-up-with-the-jones, and I'm so glad I'm not stuck in that cycle. It doesn't even change for most of those people as adults (hence the widespread popularity of things people SWORE they needed like giant SUVs and McMansions and 80-in plasma screens). I'm grateful every day for the people I have in my life who are truly my friends regardless of my fashion sense or car, and for my husband who loves me for me. Imagine how sad it must be for those people who's friends abandon them when times are tough. Or who's partners dump them for younger (or prettier, or richer, or more fit) models because their relationships were based on superficial crap.

I guess that's not much help when your little one is hurting to say "hang in there kid, you're going to so much better than any of the losers who make fun of you now." But it's the truth.

:hug:

[LostinVA]

31. There si probably a decent consignment shop or thrift store near you

The Junior League sometimes runs on. Many of the clothes are about brand new. You have a rugged Wearhouse close by you, too -- brandname stuff really cheap, including shoes. Or a Marshall's?

[Pied Piper]

32. Two stories

1. I was always a little small for my age, wore braces and glasses, and later grew up gay, so I know the whole scene. My boy scout troop was planning a week-long visit to the Algonquin Provincial Park in Canada. One week of canoeing and camping. We went on a trial weekend locally, and the troop bully would just not leave me alone. I learned later from my dad, who was one of the chaperones, that the other grownups all knew what was going on, but they wanted the kids to sort it all out. Finally at the end of the trip, I lost control (I had always been taught that fighting was a big no-no, but what the hell...). My tormenter towered above me and said, "Whattya gonna do about it?" Well, I closed my eyes and started swinging my fists. When it was all over, my tormenter, who never expected me to fight back, ended up with a shiner, a bloody nose, and a cut lip. Suddenly, I was a hero. The other boys couldn't stop talking about it, and the other dads were giving each other high fives out of our view. Sniffa's right - the big audience helps stop the bullying.

2. In junior high shop class - same scenario. Bully stands over me and says, "Whattya gonna do about it?" Up comes my right knee rapidly, right in his balls. I think you would call that a show-stopper. Bully accused me of not fighting fair, but when was bullying ever fair? He gave me a wide berth after that. Also, no one ever bothered me again; I guess word got around!

[alphafemale]

36. I like these stories.

:pals:

And you are right. In most cases there is only one person that can stop a kid from being bullied.

And we both know who that is.

[struggle4progress]

34. Teach him to be happy. Teach him that people who make fun of other people

aren't happy. Teach him that having stuff doesn't make people happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euuCiSY0qYs

[WinkyDink]

38. Call me crazy, but Clay Aiken's memoir, "Learning to Sing", deals with this, and was discussed on

"Dr. Phil."

[miss_american_pie]

40. Oh sweetie, hugs

I really don't have any answers. You can shop yourself silly (and god knows I have nothing against that ;) ) but at the end of the day there's really no way to give him the perspective that you and I and all the other trailer park kids have, because that only comes from living through it.

On the shopping front, it's Pokemon central here, games, cards, stuffed animals, ad nauseau, ad infinitum...

But seriously, I'd haul my cookies and my fighteous indignation down to that principal's office and have a little chat about what sort of anti-bullying program is being implemented in that school. I know the year's almost over, but still, just for the sake of getting to vent about it if nothing else.

Big, big hugs.

[momto3]

42. I a so sorry to hear this.

I have a 9 year old daughter and I have noticed the pecking order as well. Kids can be very cruel. I have been trying to teach her that possessions will not make others like her. But, as you said, it is physically painful for me to see her hurting. I try to let her have the clothes that she wants, because I understand and remember the need to fit in and "look" like the other kids.

Have you tried Ebay? I have been able to get my daughter a lot of brand name clothes there, in close to new condition, much cheaper than new.

I am sorry this is happening to your child.

[Blue Diadem]

43. can you check out garage sales and 2nd hand stores?

Our grandchildren, including my 10 yr old granddaughter, wear a lot of good quality clothing that has been gently used by others. I know boys are usually harder on their clothing but it may be an option worth checking out, as a way to keep in style without spending a lot of money.