Resident relationship experts.... I need some advice.

[malta blue]

Okay Loungers, here is the story....

Little MB's dad and I separated back in 2001. We had been together since 1994.

Since that time, I have had another failed marriage.

Thing is that I am now in a long-distance relationship with a childhood friend of Little MB's dad. These guys have been friends for over 20 years. They don't communicate regularly via email or phone, but when the friend is home for holidays, etc., they usually see each other at parties where we are all invited.

Our mutual friends have started to figure out that there is something going on - me travelling, him coming up here and not letting them know until after the fact, things like that. We think it is time that Little MB's dad know, rather than him hear it from another one of our friends. Obviously, a phone call or email is not the right way to handle it, but the friend is 600 miles away, and face to face is sorta hard with that kind of distance.

So I am going to tell him. We had a messy divorce but we have become friends in the last year or so. And when I suddenly became single again, he helped me out with my dogs, and was there for me after the burglary.

I don't want to hurt him - and he will be characteristically silent and stoic about it.

His friend doesn't want to hurt him. But it's not like I divorced him to be with his friend. There has been a lot of time and water under the bridge since 2001.

Anyone have any advice? Or could you spare some peaceful vibes. Karma right come rear it's ugly head at me and I am a little uncertain.

[datasuspect]

1. there are SOOOOO many people on this planet

why get involved with someone who is part of your ex husband, a childhood friend at that?

just seems like drama waiting to happen.

[MissHoneychurch]

2. Feelings can't be regulated

I am sure malta didn't plan to fall in love with that friend of her ex.

[datasuspect]

3. no, but adults CAN exercise restraint

especially if their actions can end up hurting other people.

the ex will be involved with this, the family, plus there is a kid.

just doesn't seem right.

[RetroLounge]

37. "but adults CAN exercise restraint"

Try it sometime yourself when you feel like spamming the lounge.

just sayin'

RL

[malta blue]

4. We have been exercising restratint.

And we don't want to anymore.

The last thing I ever expected was to be involved in this sort of clusterfuck, but life happened.

[datasuspect]

5. a teevee judge said this:

and i paraphrase:

"THINGS DON'T "JUST HAPPEN."

you make plans for your life in accordance with your capabilities, goals, and desires."

or something like that.

it's always easier to follow the path of least resistance.

and i always follow dear old dad's maxim: "Don't shit where you eat."

if you have a child with your ex, he's a part of your life forever. so is his family.

never mind what you want, what is best for your child in all of this?

[BeachBaby]

7. "What is best for your child in all of this?"

I would have to say that malta's happiness is what's best for the child. Happy mommy, happy kid.

[malta blue]

14. thanks pookie

:hug:

[BeachBaby]

17. You got it, gorgeous. And check your pm, k?

:hug:

[Rhythm]

28. +1

The happier mom is, the happier the homestead is... and the happier LittleMB will be as well.

[malta blue]

29. thanks Rhythm

:hug:

[malta blue]

8. I have contact with my ex, but not with his family, and

as far as they are concerned, I could care less what they think, want, etc.

My ex and this friend both dated the same woman in the past, and actually all three of them are still friends. And yes, there are a brazillion other people we could have "chosen" to be with, but it appears we all have similar interests, personalities (why else would we all be friends for so many years?) and these are the stones upon which we all build our relationships.

I agree with the "don't shit where you eat" maxim, and have always stood by it until now.

I think my kid deserves to have at least one happy parent if not two. Happiness is contagious, you know.

[datasuspect]

11. happiness at what cost?

are you saying that you have no problem with your obtaining your individual happiness even if it involves hurting other people?

i might be assuming too much here. when you said "childhood friend," that suggests a long-standing relationship that may or may not involve the intersection of two families. in other words, the type of relationship that you don't find every day and definitely not something to get in between.

what value do you place on friendship?

are your ex's feelings something you even wish to consider, even if just out of common human decency?

anyway, it's difficult to fully contextualize ANYTHING at a meaningful level on a message board.

i'm just going from your written words, which may or may not reflect the entirety of the situation, cultural background, development of character, nature of familial relations, etc.

[malta blue]

13. Absolutely not, but should I live my entire life martyred for someone else's?

And yes, the ex's feelings are what I am considering, which is why I am asking for advice.

His feelings are what matter most right now, but he has to know the truth. Even if the guy and I split tomorrow, the ex should know the truth.

[datasuspect]

16. you'd be martyred if the childhood friend was the only other male on earth

that you could make a choice from.

you can never go wrong with the truth, it is the best disinfectant.

[malta blue]

19. well, the truth it is.

And that is the whole point of this thread.

I am going to tell the ex. PERIOD. I could tell the friend to go beat it tomorrow, but my ex deserves the truth because anything that affects me has an impact on our child.

And I say let the chips fall where they may.

When my ex and I split up, this friend was there for BOTH of us, not just him. We had already developed our own friendship. When his ex left him, he turned to me for support and counsel.

I don't know what your relationship status is, but my experience has led me to realize that there are very few people out there that any one of us has a chance at a good relationship with. I think 14 years of friendship between my guy and myself are a good place to start.

[redwitch]

21. um, they're divorced. it's over.

I see no issue here. Except for breaking it to the ex who should be able to deal with the fact that 2 of his friends have fallen for each other. Not a big surprise, they clearly have much in common. Ex may feel a bit wierd at first but ultimately will want happiness for his friends. That's my 2 cents.

[malta blue]

24. Thanks redwitch

Sooooo nice to see you! :hi::pals:

Weird how things happen in life. :shrug:

[redwitch]

30. hi malta

My hubby and I married after being friends for many years. I had dated one of his best friends and we broke up. Hubby called ex to tell him of our wedding plans and it was a bit wierd but ultimately fine. If we truly love our friends we want their happiness.

I hope this new relationship brings you much joy.

[malta blue]

32. thanks ((hug))

That is what my friends are saying, that he may actually be happy for us.

:hi:

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

38. Depending

on how close the friend and your ex still are, the friend should say to the ex "you know what, the funniest thing has happened, etc, etc,etc,"
:shrug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

25. dah-link

you know the drill...go to your mailbox.

[Bunny]

6. What does karma have to do with this?

You and your boyfriend are both single, he sees your ex very infrequently, and you've been divorced for eight years. You're now on friendly terms with the ex, he should be adult enough to deal with this. Tell him what's going on.

It's hard enough to find someone you can be happy with, if this new guy does it for you, then I wouldn't be overly concerned with my how my ex chooses to respond (because it *is* a choice).

[malta blue]

10. Thanks Bunny.

I know he may have hurt feelings. I am thankful that we are doing this while my new guy lives out of state. I think that gives the ex time to digest the new situation.

And yes, it is so hard to find someone to be happy with. I have never been happier. Having been friends for 14 years takes all the "getting to know you" part away. I already know that I like him as a person, which when it comes down to it will be the basis of any relationship.

[miss_american_pie]

9. I'm not seeing how this will hurt your ex

unless he still wants to be with you. In which case you seeing anyone is hurtful to him.

I have this circle of girlfriends, two of whom are in the process of leaving their marriages. Friend A had an affair, is leaving to be with her boyfriend. Friend B's husband cheated on her for years, she has finally decided to leave. Friend B is now dating Friend A's husband. No one has moved out of their respective houses yet. *That* is a clusterfuck.

[malta blue]

12. Wow! That IS a cluster.....

:hi: So nice to see you, BTW.

I think perhaps the ex may be carrying a torch, but that is something I have no control over. And while I hate to hurt his feelings, I have my own life to consider.

[miss_american_pie]

15. Yes you do

Would be so nice if there were a pill to take to put the past away.

:hi:

[IdaBriggs]

18. Stop treating it like a drama, and see if the new relationship still is good.

I'm not meaning to be mean, but it almost seems like you are *creating* a dramatic love triangle (where there really isn't one). Six hundred mile long distance relationships don't usually last unless/until someone moves closer. Frankly (having been in a long distance relationship), it sounds like you are enjoying the perks / excitement of a relationship, without having to really be *in it* by dealing with the day to day non-romantic annoying crap.

ON EDIT: And there is nothing wrong with that, by the way! Enjoy it! :)

This person may be the perfect soul mate, but honestly, you are just dating. Give the father of your child the benefit of the doubt (of him being a real live adult), casually mention you are in the beginning stages of a potential relationship, and then drop the freaking subject. Let him go away to contemplate or call his friend to 'warn him' about you (because you know you and your ex didn't break up because you were the perfect girlfriend, while he sucked), let the new guy thank him for his concern, and then keep your ex out of your new relationship. (And don't take the warning personally, please! You know you are human and did things that irritated, too, because that is part of relationships in general.)

If you decide to marry or move in with the new guy in the next couple of years, no big deal. If the flirtation ends, no big deal. If you treat it like a "Romeo and Juliet" moment, you are going to get that -- if you treat it like no big deal, it isn't.

(And keep in mind this advice is coming from a woman who once lived with both my fiance, AND an ex-boyfriend, who was best friends with the guy I ended up marrying; we survived the rotating partner dance back in our mid-twenties, so a reasonably mature adult past the drama/angst stage should be fine.)

Good luck! :hi:

[malta blue]

20. Not trying to create a drama, but know what might happen and

your advice is exactly what I was planning.

Yes, there is no REAL issue here unless/until he moves closer. Our main concern is to make sure the ex knows the truth BEFORE anything really happens or any of our friends open their mouths, just so that he can come to terms with it at his own pace and have heard it from one of us.

That is why there is the rush now. Only one friend knew for sure, but now others are starting to pick up on mutual travel plans, etc., and putting 2+2 together.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

22. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Peaceful Vibes for You}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Good luck to you.

[malta blue]

26. Thank you

I am feeling a little off kilter and have been trying to recalibrate.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

23. Why are you going to tell him and not his friend? if a friend of mine was dating my ex

i might want to hear from that friend rather than my ex

[malta blue]

27. That was the initial intention for sure, and you are right that

that is the best way to go about it.

Since they don't communicate regularly, it's not like the guy can just pick up the phone and call to tell him. We also feel that it needs to be done face to face, and soon before someone blabs it to him. We still have all the same friends - ALL OF US - and a couple of them have figured it out. They feel weird hiding things too. So, since I am the person here, and a part of the situation, then we decided I should do it.

[Chan790]

31. You're going to think I'm silly to say this, but...

express your interest in the mutual friend, ask permission. With as much time past since your divorce, it seems unlikely he'd say no.
Doing so allows him to save face and feel that he's being trusted and empowered to "bless" this relationship. (Really it does no such thing, but it does re-frame the situation to a more positive light.)

If he does say no, I'd date his friend anyway. It's not about actually empowering him but giving him a graceful way to do the right thing. If he chooses not to take that option, that's on him rather than you.

[malta blue]

34. Thanks for the advice

and it is not silly.

I want him to be "ok" with it, since we are all part of the same circle of friends.

[DU GrovelBot]

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[BeachBaby]

35. Yes - but how does this help malta?

[malta blue]

36. my point exactly

:P

:hi: