Retail Wage-Slaves: Tell us about your freakiest customer!

[Rhythm]

We all have the odd ducks that have been in our check-out line, or people we've had to help find something really peculiar. Who's been the one you just wanted to scratch your head and go WTF?!

Here's mine:

I currently work in a little mom-n-pop convenience store. I've been there for a year, love my boss, and have a good relationship with all of the 'regulars.'

Yesterday, this guy and girl come in. The girl looks really average: a little overweight, brown shoulder-length hair, unremarkable-looking face.

The guy, however... different story all-together
His face was totally tattooed to look like one of the guys from Insane Clown Posse!

(dark patterns like the guy on the left, but in a crappy fading bluish-black)

They came in for smokes and beer, and of course i had to card them. Dude's ID pic had been shot before he got this done to himself, so it required me to look a little harder at him to make a positive identification that it was indeed him.

I didn't comment at all, but in the back of my head, i'm thinking a whole list of things:
1.) Dude, how does it feel to know that your life is essentially over?

2.) Dude, you should have NEVER let your friend loose with a homemade tat gun.
Whoever did this has no skills whatsoever. If you're gonna look this way anyway,
fork out some bucks and get a real tattooist to fix it.*L*

3.) Dude, you had better never so much as jaywalk, because there is no way that a witness to any
crime you might commit would not be able to identify you.

4.) Dude... what are you planning to do, job wise? I mean seriously... what?
(see #3 for why you can't make a career out of dealing dope or other underground activities)

5.) Dude... if you end up in jail, do you have ANY idea just how much of a target you are going to be?

And yeah, all of these thoughts coming from someone who IS tattooed, but had the common sense to put things in places where they're only visible if i want them to be.

[JimGinPA]

1. Long One - But A Payoff If You Read To The End

Many years ago I worked at a mens clothing store in Georgia. This middle-aged woman came in with her son (who looked like a biker in his mid-twenties) and his white trash girlfriend. The woman tells me they need a suit to bury her husband in. I could tell she was pretty distraught and I really did feel sorry for her. She said the husband never owned a suit in his life and she didn't want something too dark and "funeral" looking, but she wanted something nice with a little color, but not too "flashy" either. Well, it was winter and we had a line of solid colored flannel wool suits and one model was a medium shade of brown, like a deep coccoa color. I showed it to her and she loved it, said it was perfect! I asked what size he wore and she wasn't sure because he had lost a lot of weight recently with his illness. So with his height and estimated waist size I chose a size for her that I thought would work. Then I picked out an ecru shirt and a wine colored tie that looked nice with it and layed them out on a table for her to look at. So then the son snarls "What if it doesn't fit?" I said they could take it to the funeral home for them to look at and if they didn't think it was the right size there they could bring it back and I'd exchange it for another size. I didn't have the heart to tell them more than likely they were going to split it up the back and pin it to make it fit anyway and anything close would really do. The woman is just standing there looking at this outfit and she started to smile a little and said "Well, he never had a wool suit in his life and he'll really look nice in this. This will be a nice way to send him off." So then the white trash girlfriend says "Doesn't wool itch?" I swear to God! I almost bit my tongue off to keep from laughing!

[sasquatch]

3. HAHA!!

:rofl:

[Believing Is Art]

4. It would have been great

if you'd explained to her that the weave and the lining keep it from itching. Terribly insensitive to the widow, but just to see how long you could keep it going before her son's gf had that "Ohh . . ." moment.

[Rhythm]

5. I don't think i could have even kept a straight face...

I'd have bitten my lip to the bleeding point.

:rofl:

[WinkyDink]

41. Bwahahaha! Oh, man; yes, it was worth it!

[sasquatch]

2. I once had a middle aged male customer asked me to "translate" what the size of the pants were

I asked the man "what do you mean" and he pointed out a pair of jeans in the womens section of the store and said "it says size 9, but I don't know what that means". I had to tell him with the best straight face I could that they were womens jeans and then showed him where the mens jeans were.
:rofl:

[kwassa]

6. had a lot of them ....

but the freakiest is one I never saw.

This is kind of gross, so I warn you.

In the misses section of a large retail department store there were repeated incidents of women using the changing rooms as toilets.

There were also big, beautiful restrooms within about 100 feet of these locations. The store ended up closing about half the changing rooms and posting signs in the rest.

When people believe that they are anonymous, and not being seen, they do the most amazing things.

[Aristus]

7. My functionally illiterate, bone-stupid bookstore customer:

From 1995. (I left the retail gulag years ago, but this one is still a little annoying...)

A woman comes in to the bookstore and asks me if I've heard of that book: "Umm... it's called Like Watery Chocolate For Chocolate Water...or...umm..."

" 'Like Water For Chocolate', by Laura Esquivel?"

"Umm...no...um...its by this Mexican author..."

Yes, Laura Esquivel."

"...no...um...it's got, like, all these recipes and stuff..."

"Yes, 'Like Water For Chocolate' by Laura Esquivel."

"...no...um...It's got a blue cover. Do you know the one?"

"Yes, 'Like Water For Chocolate' by Laura Esquivel. I'll take you right to it."

"...um, no...it was the one on Oprah, and there's a movie coming out..."

"Yes, it's 'Like Water For Chocolate' by Laura Esquivel."

"No, that's not it! You're just...you're no help at ALL!"

She stomps off.

Note to stupid people. Don't go near bookstores! You won't enjoy yourselves!

[Starbucks Anarchist]

11. Classic.

:rofl:

[tigereye]

16. oh, that's so sad.

[MorningGlow]

27. Oh the memories!

I worked in a bunch of bookstores (independent and chain) in my day; I was at a big-box bookstore around the same time as you, Aristus. Those Oprah books were the bane of our existence!

"I'm looking for a book..."

"You've come to the right place."

"It was on Oprah."

"In the Kitchen with Rosie."

"It's a cookbook."

"In the Kitchen with Rosie."

"It's pretty large."

"In the Kitchen with Rosie."

"It's by Oprah's chef."

"In the Kitchen with Rosie."

"YES! That's it! HOW DID YOU KNOW?! Now. Where can I find it?"

"Behold the floor stack and table display three feet to your left, ma'am."

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

My all-time favorites were the customers who would walk up and say, "I'm looking for a book. It's purple. It's about this thick." (Holds up fingers a couple of inches apart.) Title? Author? SUBJECT?? Nah. It's purple. :eyes:

[Aristus]

33. That is SO true!

Standard request:

"Hi, I'm looking for this book. I can't remember what it's called but it's by this guy..."

It's ALWAYS by "this guy" :eyes: "This guy" is the most prolific author in history...

"I can't remember his name, but I know he has one...It's called "The Something"...

Ah, yes. "The Something". Huge hit. We can't keep it in stock...

"It's about these people who go to this place..."

Well, that narrows down the story angles...

"And, um...it's got a silver cover. Do you know the one I mean?"

Start counting silver covers, genius. You'll be up to fifty before you get out of military thrillers...

At the time, I wanted to :puke:. But now I can :rofl: about it. B-)

[MorningGlow]

35. ROFL you've given me an idea

I'm gonna write a novel. "The Something". My pseudonym: "This Guy". It'll have a silver cover. The plot won't matter, even if these people go to this place, because customers like those never actually read the book they're looking for!
:rofl:

[Aristus]

37. HA!

:rofl:

DO IT!

[WinkyDink]

43. Where can I find it?!

[WildEyedLiberal]

34. OMG, as a former Barnes and Noble employee, I about peed my pants laughing over this

SO. TRUE. :rofl:

[charlie and algernon]

8. Had a fair share while working at a supermarket deli

The worst was when we had any kind of sale on the rotisserie chicken. For some reason people couldn't grasp that it takes AT LEAST 2 and a half hours to cook the chickens properly. And when these chicken are on sale, they were usually CHEAP, like a couple bucks for a whole chicken, so they'd fly off the shelves as soon as they'd finish cooking, so it became hard to keep up, especially on weekends. So it wasn't unusual for there to someone demanding why the chickens weren't done yet and unable to accept that it takes a while for chickens to cook thoroughly. One guy in particular called the store to preorder a chicken, but then came in an hour later before they were done. He then proceeded to berate us, throwing out this gem to us: "If I did my job like you guys people would DIE!!!!!!" He eventually stomped off after being promised a free chicken. :eyes:

[dgibby]

21. I'm 63yrs old, and I've NEVER seen a cooked chicken fly

off a shelf! Of course, it's entirely possible that, either they're seriously undercooked or I'm shopping in the wrong stores.:evilgrin:

[LynneSin]

9. I spent 3 years working at Victoria Secret (early 90s). DU doesn't have enough server space...

for me to share all the freaky stories.

[Rhythm]

10. Oh Lynne... i can just bet...

*contains her preemptive laughter*

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

12. But, but,but,but

couldn't you share at least one? :)

[LynneSin]

13. I would like to say someone with Pam Anderson breasts walked out of the dressing room with.....

with a see-thru top on but the woman looked more like Bea Arthur.

I kid you not

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

26. I shoulda known..

you were right! :) :wow:

[sakabatou]

38. AUGH!

Take the image away from me!

[LeftyMom]

22. You should tell some of these.

I heard a few at Lost and Haruka's wedding, though I think they were funnier when everybody was drinking and there were demonstrative hand gestures.

[MountainLaurel]

14. Not a retail story

But librarians have weird customer stories that would make your hair curl. Among mine (and my coworkers'):

* The woman who called our medical library wanting to know where she could buy a human brain to dissect (no, she wasn't a student, physician, or medical practitioner in any way).

* A patron known as "Weird Hair Guy" who called wanting to know the other ways that Mark McGuire spelled his name.

* Stupid public masturbator who made the mistake of jerking off at the same computer two days in a row (we hadn't caught him the first day), sitting next to the same girl who reported him the first time. As it turns out, he was already on probation for such behavior, so doing it in a state building put him in a world of trouble.

[Deep13]

15. It's been awhile, but the customer I always remember...

...came to the drug store every Sunday morning for a newspaper and cigarettes (I forget the brand). What was memorable about him was the last ditch defense of his hair line. To say it was receeding is a gross understatement. It was in full retreat with enemy scalp hot on its tail. So, he did the most valiant, but ineffective attempt at a comb-over. He had one spray-encrusted mass of hair beginning on his right temple glued onto his head across the top of his forehead and down the other templ. Except for that he had wisps of hair around the edge and none on top. It looked horrible, but none of us ever mentioned it to him.

Another guy who came in late at night every week was five-foot-four-ish and looked and sounded like he was from Greece. He was middle age and had a white, fluffy Conway Twitty type of dew and always wore a pastel dress shirt. He always asked for two packs of Marlborough Lights and bought two big cans of Adorn hairspray which he insisted was for his wife. This was before we had scanners and we usually had the items rung up before he got to the register.

[1gobluedem]

17. I worked retail a long time ago

At a little corner grocery store when I was in college. Among some notables:

* Watching the highest paid professor at the University steal a ten cent newspaper off the porch steps of the apartment across the street every day after I told him he had to wait in line like everyone else (he would stand off to the side and thrust the money in my face -- not the correct change -- as I was trying to wait on other customers).

* The guy who had just finished a half marathon fishing a dollar literally dripping with sweat out of his shoe to pay for a bottle of water and expecting me to handle it.

* The kid who told me he didn't have to show me a picture ID to pay for beer because he was from out of state and had to pay more tuition than I did.

* The portly professor regaling me with tales of playing naked water polo at lunch every day conjuring up an image that sticks with me to this day.

There are many more...

[gmoney]

18. Maybe he didn't get that it is just make-up?

Or, maybe he's also a professional clown, so wears greasepaint to work? LOL

[Rhythm]

20. Turns out that the guy is a neighbor of one of my friends...

Dude's apparently the village idiot of their neighborhood. I'm sure i'll hear stories later...

[tabbycat31]

19. let's see

in a big box department store, we had this one guy who would walk to the kids manequins and fondle them (stick his hand down a child size manequin's pants). Completely creeped me out.

at a chain drugstore, we could give price adjustments. Fine. I had this one woman walk in 5 days later for a 4 cent price adjustment. I pulled a nickel out of my pocket and told her to keep the change, since management had to approve all adjustments (and my manager would roll on the floor if he saw that transaction). I then asked her how much she spent in gas getting there and she called me rude.

not retail, but I worked as a receptionist in a chain tax prep service. One guy came in early for his appt, so he started to chat with me (not a problem as many clients did, and I did not mind it). After his taxes were done, I handed him the papers to sign for one of those refund loans. He then mentioned to me what he intended on using his loan for (enhancement of a body part) and how he wanted me to be the first to see it. Before he could leave, and as my boss heard it, she immediately sent me to lunch.

not a customer story, but at the big box store I worked at, the training room was used as a storage room, and never locked. The manager needed to get something out of there and the door was locked. He walked in and there was an employee on her knees, and an assistant manager's pants were down. I had never seen the manager turn so bright red before.

[NJmaverick]

23. My oddest retail customer was encountered on an ambulance run

got a call for a man that has slipped in a super market. We encountered a 30 something male that had suffered minor injuries and spoke in an odd manner with a funny voice. He went on to tell us:

"I slipped on bagle dust (note he was near the fresh backed bagels). It was just so slippery. How are you able to stand there with out slipping? Are you wearing special shoes?...."

[kwassa]

24. Slip-and-fall accidents are a major insurance scam.

Sort of the whiplash of the retail world. Stores carry liability to protect themselves, but there are professional claimants out there.

[NJmaverick]

25. He could have been one, but he seemed more odd than scammer

not that it precluded a law suit.

[MorningGlow]

28. I don't know about funny, but definitely freaky

When I worked in a big-box bookstore, we'd frequently get a cross-dresser in on a Friday night. I've got no problems with cross-dressers, but alas this guy was just...bad at it. He was more than six feet tall and had a chestnut wig. He wore the same UGLY salmon-colored dress with a bow at the neck every time he came in, pumps, and panty hose, but he didn't shave his legs. And he walked like a truck driver. And he always had a five o'clock shadow. In fact, he looked a lot like John Cleese's Anne Elk in the dinosaur sketch.

[Q3JR4]

29. I only worked 6 weeks in retail, but

I have a couple of stories I guess.

There was one guy who came in, bought a bottle of pepsi, stole every mayonnaise packet we'd left out and left the store. I restocked, and ten minutes later he came back, bought a bag of chips and stole the new mayonnaise packets I'd left out. I got really busy so didn't have time to restock a second time and once again he walks in ten minutes later, buys a candy bar and steals all the relish on his way out.

The was another guy who would step in, walk to the back of the store and then come back to the counter. Half the time he'd say, "Oh I forgot my money" and leave with a can of beer that wasn't there before in his pocket. When he payed for his beer, I got to count lots of change. Eventually I started following him back to "dust" or "face the store" and half those times he wouldn't buy anything.

The last story I have about my retail experiences didn't involve people so much as something that people left there. Some customer found a black case and brought it in. He said that he didn't open it, but it felt like tools to him and someone might want it back. I put it behind the counter, not really thinking about it. The next day the manager and assistant manager were talking and I hear "Open it up. I don't know what it is, I have an idea, but I'm not going to say. Also afterwards you might want to wash your hands." The assistant manager unzips the pack and says, "Is that what I think it is?" "I don't know, but it was vibrating earlier."

Naturally my interest is peaked and when they left I took a look. It was a small case, something you'd put a shaving kit into, with four dildos of different sizes as well as AA, AAA, and D sized batteries. The only thought in my mind was, "I don't think anyone is going to be claiming you."

Something that happened at the library here:
Some guy decided that it would be fun to hide in the library stacks and masturbate while looking at females who happened to be around. It happened to a friend of mine, who filed a police report. A couple of days later it was in the paper, along with a story about one female's response. She saw the man started screaming at him and chased him out of the library with shouts of "Pervert!" and "I saw what you were doing!"

Q3JR4.

[Rosie1223]

30. The broken sofa

We had an extremely irate customer call and want to return a sofa he purchased because the arm broke off. We don't sell much furniture and the manager explained he would have to call the manufacturer to get more information on the warranty, etc. The customer called the manager all kinds of names, demanding a full refund, but left his number for a call back.

The manager got the information and called back. This time he talked to the wife. She was very apologetic and explained that the sofa arm was broken during a session of "very rough sex" on the sofa.

Sorry, no refund.

[Creena]

31. Tarantula Dude

I worked at one of the two large pet supply chains cleaning/maintaining the small animal, reptile, fish, and bird areas. This one guy insisted on bringing his pet tarantula to the store when he bought crickets and other food.

He either held it in his hand or put it on his shoulder while he shopped. When he checked out, he'd place it on the little table used to write checks. Occasionally, the damn thing would jump off and scurry towards the cashier.
:scared:

[grace0418]

32. In my decade+ of working in retail, I encountered too many freaks to count. But one that

popped into my head was the guy who came into the frame shop where I worked and started masturbating in front of a poster of Madonna.

[libnnc]

39. OMG

*shudder*

eeeew...

[grace0418]

40. Yeah, that wasn't too cool. But the neighborhood was pretty dicey at night and

we stayed open until 9 during the week so freaky things tended to happen with some regularity. Maybe not that freaky but freaky enough. I remember one time my friend and I stayed up half the night decorating the windows for Christmas. We made a huge Grinch display by hand (this was before the awful Jim Carrey movie version came out so it was a pretty cool idea). About 2 or 3 in the morning we were just about finished when I heard a knock on the window. Outside was a group of transvestite prostitutes and they gave us a big thumbs up on the display. That was a great moment. :)

[mikeytherat]

36. Not as a retail worker, but here is a woman I have been stuck in line behind. Twice.

When I had my second encounter with this woman, I knew immediately where I had seen her previously. Different store, but same M.O. - after the sale is rung up and paid for, challenge each and every item on the receipt. And I mean every single item. Some choice phrases include:

"Isn't this item two for $1.99?" (no, it is not, and you know it)
"Why are the tomatoes so expensive? That's not the price that was listed in produce section." (yes it was)
(grabs flier from cashier's hand) "Look! Two for $1.99! Two for $1.99!" (those are bags of potatoes, not tomatoes you twit)
"This is wrong! This is wrong! I did not purchase this!" (yes, you did. it is on top of your purchases and we can all see it)

The second time I got behind this woman in line, I had a bad feeling I knew her from somewhere. When she started her spiel, I knew immediately - The Receipt Challenge Woman! On this particular occasion she had her husband along, who was also starring in her passion play, turning to everyone in the line and saying things like, "Can you believe the nerve of this store?" and "They're really trying to screw us!" After a few minutes of this, I let her and der husband know that they had played long enough, and now the time had come to take it to the Customer Service desk. I also told if it made her feel any better, she could stand there and scream at me as I had my items rung up and bagged. I finally added that, if she felt I was harassing or intimidating her, she would have to take that to the Customer Service desk, too.

I got a "Standing O" from the rest of the folks in the line, and a sly wink from the cashier.

mikey_the_rat

[Javaman]

42. http://www.stainedapron.com/

The final word in customer insanity.

[DatManFromNawlins]

44. I worked at a grocery store in a really bad neighborhood

I have the callouses on my knuckles 8 years later to prove it. I became known as "that big white dude you do not want to fuck with" after being assaulted behind the store and beating the crap out of the 3 drunks then shoving them into the baling machine and locking the door until the police arrived. Broke a freaking bottle over my head... you know how screwed up it is to have to attend school the next day (worked all night, attended class all day, slept in the student union between classes), already having a shaved head, and walk around with gouges all over it? I fell half asleep in computational theory, scratched my head without thinking, and ended up getting blood all over my desk.

My ring finger is a size 21.5 (the WWE wrestler The Big Show has me by a tenth of an inch). I couldn't afford a baseball glove in high school so I played bare handed. If I hit you, you stay hit.

We had one dude who decided he was going to get high by disinfecting his lungs with a can of lysol. Did not turn out well for him.

Another eviscerated his scrotum after shoving a bunch of cans of potted meat into his underwear then tripping when he was trying to make a run for it.

A 10 year old pulled an airsoft pistol on one of my co-workers when he wouldn't let him check out with a bottle of Mad Dog.