My turn for a sad story that should be self evident

[quakerboy]

I have a cousin. Said cousin is developmentally delayed. At 21, he is very much the 13 year old in a mans body.


There are a lot of things he really doesn't get. Like math and common sense. And his family has been relatively little help. His (single) mother tries, but he also has anger issues, and i think was easier for her to let him do what he wanted than to fight the continuing fight for responsibility, especially with his sister right behind him in the same mold. And their family has a habit of using the payday lenders, and generally overspending when they want something. All in all, not good.

All this to say, by the time he was 20, he had a decent job as a night janitor, and developed credit to the tune of 6 cards and several k in debt. Then he got himself fired, though in large part it was because he trusted a supervisor who apparently had some mental defects as well.

Fast forward to now. He has a job at my company. And I am his cousin. And I started trying to help him get his finances in order about 6 months ago. In that time, we have paid off half the cards. But somewhere along the line, I became the "enemy" because I tell him its not a good idea to buy a new $400 bike every time he bends a deraileur, or that its a bad idea to start a new cell phone contract with a new company when he still has a year left on the old contract and his rent just went up. He also doesn't seem to realize that in a pretty closely knit family, and in a closely knit company, word travels, and things are not secrets unless you keep it a secret. I don't even ask for information on whats going on, it just is part of the ether of congenial catching up conversations.

The problem I have now is that he is also causing some issues at work. Issues that in reality were predictable, and can be worked around, but that I as his superior but not direct supervisor cannot deal with on the day to day end. And he cannot seperate the work at the home, So any chat we have is either "I'm avoiding my mean cousin who disaproves of my stupid purchase that I lied to him about" or a "I am mad I got caught doing something that in retrospect is stupid, so I am going to pout and not make eye contact and pretend this ain't happening".

I want to help him, but I don't think i can play the tri-hat game anymore. And the financial advise is the easiest to cut, since I know he needs the job, given he is overpaid and under qualified and I doubt could get any other job right now given his history. But I am having a hard time, because I want to help him, he is my family. At the same time i feel a little guilty because part of me is really tired of the lies, and wants to be done with it on that level, which is not very selfless of me. The lying only hurts him, I don't have any investment into it other than time, so why should I care.


Anyone have any thoughts for me? I cant promise to be grateful for harsh advise, but I feel like I could use some outside thought to help clarify things for myself.

[davsand]

1. You feel bad for him and that is understandable.

It sounds like he's not been dealt a "good hand" in life, and you have tried to help him rise above that. I applaud and actually celebrate you for that because a lot of people probably would not have done as much as you have. I think maybe you have finally reached your maximum load limit and are trying to sort out how much more you really CAN manage to do for him. I don't think guilt should be a part of your equation here, and I do hope that you can see that.

From what I can tell, based on how you describe the situation, I'd suggest that you maybe just need to step back. You tried to help with his finances, and it sounds like you DID, in fact, make a difference for him. If he resents you for what you have tried to teach him, you maybe want to think about the fact that even IF he's developmentally challenged, he IS still an adult. Maybe the time has come for you to let him fly on his own--even IF you think maybe he's not gonna soar--but instead crash and burn.

There is one fact at work here that you cannot lose sight of: Unless he really WANTS to make changes, there really is not much you can actually do to help him. He's gonna sign those contracts and sign those credit card agreements--with or without your knowledge or approval. Unless you actually have power of attorney for him you ability to help stops at whatever limit HE allows.

As far as the work situation, I dunno what to tell you except that maybe your smartest course would be to have a quiet chat with his supervisor and tell them what you think might help them deal with the guy. You also need to tell that supervisor that he/she has to do whatever needs to happen in order to keep things running--including whatever discipline measures are needed.

Just my two cents, sorry if I sound harsh.


Laura

[quakerboy]

2. Not harsh at all

That's about where I am. I just wish it were black and white to make things easier. If I were totally selfless, it would be much easier to feel ok about stepping back for his own good. But since I am not, I second guess myself, not wanting to stop helping someone if it were just a case of "I feel pissy about being mistreated".

I also find myself wondering where comes the point that he might need a Guardian or a Conservator to manage his finances because he is not able to do so himself. With an elder, I have some idea how that works, but with someone of his youth, I don't even know how to approach that.

The work situation is harder. We have a non linear organizational chart that has never been put to paper. Technically I am the boss, but so is the owner, and everyone else is under me, but also under him. then there are several sub supervisors who might be in charge of my cousin at any given time, or he might be the supervisor with a newer employee. Though I think he has wrecked his chances for that happening any more. He is peaved at the owner, and the owner wants me to deal with him. Woot.

And in the mean time, he is developing a bad attitude, possibly helped along by a change in med's that none of us knew about until last week. He does not seem to have comprehended that someone fired from his previous job, with charges pressed, who has no other work history, no qualifications, and little to no reading/writing ability does not have a good outlook in job searching right now. Nor does he seem to realize that $15 an hour is (particularly for someone in his position) pay worth leaving your attitude at home for.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

3. You already have your answer,

but you're looking everywhere but directly at it.

Your cousin cannot manage his own life, especially his finances, and needs someone to take care of them for him. So far, that, for all practical purposes, has been you, with him still maintaining custody and control of his money.

Well, that does not appear to be working well.

So you need an outside to step in and take over.

And, that, unfortunately, means there will be people in "the family" who will object, I suspect. I applaud you for all you've done for your cousin, but we all have limits, and it appears you've reached yours. Time to turn it over to a disinterested outside party and perhaps your cousin will feel more comfortable with someone he doesn't know.

Perhaps he won't. It's a crapshoot.

But you're far too entwined with this young man, personal and work, and that's no good for either of you. Time to relinquish some of your self-imposed - and bless your heart - responsibilities and have the legal system intervene to help out the young man.

We all need help now and then, and it's time for you to let someone else do it.

You are a kind, kind one, I must say..................

[quakerboy]

6. I don't think that I have any

authority to bring in an outside party. Though I don't know the legalities of a situation like this. I don't even know where to start in finding that outside person to deal with things. Who do you even talk to about something like this?

My best guess is that with my stepping back he will either end up splitting control with his mom, or she may make him deal with his own shit for a while. But he is paying her rent, and that complicates her ability to step back from it all as well.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

7. Well, what do you want to do?

You asked for advice, but now you claim no authority. What advice did you want if you're helpless here?

Families mixed with work are always complicated, and the road to Hell truly is paved with good intentions.

I wish you the best of luck...............

[quakerboy]

8. Im not here to be combative

I'm just saying that I am not any ones legal caretaker, and as far as I know, I do not have the legal right to force anyone into anything. At the same time, if someone can explain to me how I do have that authority, I am open ears. I genuinely question if there is anything I can do in terms of getting him outside help, but I really don't know where to start.

And the family connections will of course make everything more complex, because its not just him, its aunts and etc too that have to deal with.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

9. You could start with calling a social service

agency - if he's had dealings with any before, you could start there and see what you'd have to do about getting him a legal guardian.

But, if you haven't cleared this with his mother, you'd probably have to do that first, which might be problematic.

That said, you're helpless, that's true, and you are the one who will have to adjust his behavior and let the young man deal with his own finances. You have enough to cope with with him working with you.

You're a good heart, and it's a tough situation. I hope it works out for everyone..........

[NJmaverick]

4. I would think that one thing you want to watch for is

that you have to be careful not to enable him. He needs to grow up and if people are too protective of him, that is not going to happen.

[quakerboy]

5. Yup

That was my thought going into things. I figured that half the problem was that his mom had always "handled" things for him. I have done my best to be an adviser and let him take care of business

I am really starting to wonder if he has the capacity to "grow up" or if his handicaps are too great for that.

[yasmin]

11. condition

Was his condition ever identified by a doctor ? & even though he's an adult, is he being treated for it ?

Is his mother not his Appointee in his matters including financial matters ?

yasmin
in memory of Charlie Rocket
http://www.myspace.com/132501307

[Withywindle]

10. If he truly is developmentally disabled, then that very likely means

He *can't* grow up. He never will.

It's not the same as just being immature.

[yasmin]

12. ADHD

Does he have ADHD ?

yasmin
in memory of Charlie Rocket
http://www.myspace.com/132501307

[Withywindle]

13. I don't know.

I'm not the OP, I don't know the guy. But I took "developmentally disabled" to be the same as what used to be called "retarded." High-functioning in this kid's case--a mental age of 13 is pretty good as far as that goes, I used to volunteer with the Girl Scouts in homes for people who were in their 40s and had no hope of ever being potty-trained.

But being functional at a teenage level sounds like it could be kind of a double-edged "advantage": yes, you can talk in full sentences, yes, you can dress yourself, yes you can present yourself as an adult if you've learned basic manners (and have a beard) but you don't qualify for the (skimpy, grudging) federal aid you might be able to get if your body's age matched your stage of development.

[quakerboy]

14. Got it in one

Luckily between the three of them, they qualify for a fair bit of aid. But when he works, that messes with the system a bit, and somewhere he got the notion that he should work, and that is what makes you valuable. So he really wants to work and pay bills. And find a girl and move out on his own.

The whole family is struggling with those. The moving out thing... I cant see that being a good thing at least until he learns some financial impulse control. And the girl thing... Good golly. So far he has hit on a married gold digger and a cross the country gold digger. Yay internet and gullible people.

[quakerboy]

15. He really is. Special school and the whole deal

Its hard because all of growing up he was way behind. In the past 5 years, though, he has made remarkable progress. When he was 16, I would have sworn he would never hold a job or even have "finances" beyond an allowance to buy candy. But he has grown unexpectedly, and so it kinda puts some confusion into the low expectations. If he can improve some, how can we assume that he will never improve some more, in other words.