The "Tell Robb a Joke" thread

[Robb]

I could use a little frivolity!

[MrScorpio]

1. How many dingbats does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

Robb is the only dingbat around here.

[Name removed]

2. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Bertha Venation]

3. A duck walks into 7-11.

He looks up at the cashier and says, "Hi! Do you have any duck food?"

The cashier looks at the duck incredulously, and says, "No, we don't have any duck food, get outta here!" The duck shrugs & says "okay" and leaves.

Next day, the duck goes back to the same 7-11. Same guy behind the counter. "Hi! Do you have any duck food?"

The cashier can't believe it. He screws up his face, leans down at the duck and says, "Look. I told you yesterday we don't have any duck food, and if you come in here again asking for duck food, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor! Now get outta here!!"

The duck goes "yikes... uh, okay." And leaves.

The very next day, the duck goes back to the same 7-11. Same guy behind the counter.

"Hi! Do you have any nails?"

"Uh... no..."

"Good! Do you have any duck food?"

[coloradodem2005]

6. That was good.

[mmm]

7. I love that joke

[coloradodem2005]

4. Bill Gates.

Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter.
St. Peter tells Bill, you have the choice of going to Heaven or Hell and you can try each one out first.

So Bill tries out Hell first. It is great. All these beautiful women, a beach, a country club. It was like a rich man's paradise.

So then Bill tries out Heaven. Now it seems okay, but it is really a bunch of angels playing the harp. It is kind of boring.

So Bill and St. Peter talk, and Bill says that he likes hell better.
So he goes to hell.

A month later St. Peter checks on Bill. He is being chained to a building and tortured. He tells St. Peter that this is terrible, this is not the hell you showed me. So St. Peter says that's because what we showed you was Hell 3.1, this is Hell 95.

[VOX]

5. How can you spot an extroverted scientist?

He looks at the top of *your* shoes when he talks!

:evilgrin:

[pagerbear]

8. Chortle!

[furrylitldevil]

9. Why are bicycles so lazy?

Because they're two tired!

DOOOOOOOP!!!!

:silly::bounce::silly::bounce::silly::bounce::silly::bounce::silly::bounce::silly::bounce::silly::bounce::silly::bounce::silly::bounce::silly::bounce:

[furrylitldevil]

10. So a grasshopper walks into a bar

the bartender looks at the grasshopper and says "Hey, we got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks at the bartender and says "You got a drink named Steve?"

[put out]

14. So, this guy walks into a bar

and says "OUCH".

So, Pickles is in the living quarters, smoking and watching T.V, and she gets a call on their personal telephone. It's *, and he says, "You gotta get down here right now! Somethin awful is happenin!". She sighs, puts on her shoes, puts out the smoke, and hurries down.

When she gets into the Oval Office, there is *, sitting at his desk and holding his head in his hands. He has a mess in front of him. She says, "What is the matter, why the big fuss, what is goin on?". He says, "I have been workin and workin on this dang puzzle most of the afternoon, plus after my nap, and just look at it! I can't find the corners or any edges and none of the pieces fit together at all!". She says, "Well, what is it supposed to be?". He holds up a box with a red rooster on it.

She says, "Put the cornflakes back in the box, George."

[furrylitldevil]

15. So * is riding in his car

with the secret service driving when they have to swerve to avoid an ex-Enron employee in the middle of the road. As a result, the car crashes into a ditch and all passengers are knocked out and the car catches on fire.

Three boys notice the wreck and pull everybody out of the car and drag them to a safe distance before it explodes. * is so grateful when he comes to that he promises each of the boys anything in the world they want.

The first one says, "I wanna ride in Airforce One!"

* happily agrees, and sets up a time for him to ride AF1

The second one says, "I wanna stay in the white house for one night!"

* arranges a room to be made so that the boy and his family can stay in the white house for one night.

The third one says, "I want a Secret Service agent, because when my parents find out I saved your life, they're gonna kill me!"

[MrBenchley]

17. Sailor walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

and the bartender says, "Hey that's great! Where'd you get that?"

And the parrot says, "Down at the docks...there's ships full of them."

[Robb]

20. That's just about my favorite joke!

I tell it all the time! :D

[A HERETIC I AM]

11. One of my all-time favorites......

(This would be better if you could hear me tell this cause i am told i do a pretty good Scottish Brogue)

A Scotsman is sitting in the pub with a young friend of his and after a few pints says "Laddie, Ya see that Bar there? I built that bar meself. Hewn every board with the strength of me arms and the sweat of me brow. 18 feet it is, dead straight and true. Do ya think they'd remember me as MacTavish the bar builder? Naay....

And laddie, look out that window. Ya see that Fenceline runnin' straight to the horizon? I built that fenceline meself with the strength of me arms and the sweat of me brow. EIGHT HUNDRED AND SEVENTY YARDS! IT IS, dead straight and true. Ya think they'd remember me as MacTavish the fence builder? Naay.....

And look out that other window. Ya see that Breakwater stretching into the sea? ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY TWO FEET, IT IS dead straight and true. I built that breakwater meself. Hewn every stone from the very living rrrrrrOCK with the strength of me arms and the sweat of me brow. When the sea would wash a stone away i'd replace it. Ya think they'd remember me as MacTavish the Breakwater builder? Naaay.






But ya bugger one goat."

[pagerbear]

12. A Methodist minister, a Baptist pastor, and an Episcopalian priest

...and their wives all die in the same car accident. They reach the Pearly Gates together, and each couple approaches to be admitted.

To the Methodist minister St. Peter says, "No, I'm sorry, I can't let you in. You were selfish your whole life. You never spared a dime for your fellow man. You even married a woman named Penny!"

To the Episcopal priest he says, "I can't let you in either. All of your life you worshiped the grape, not the Lord! You even married a woman named Sherry!"

The Baptist pastor looks at his wife and says, "Come on, Fanny! We'd better not even try!"

[A HERETIC I AM]

13. Out of curiosity, how does one get deleted by the mods......

ON A JOKE THREAD? did someone get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

[MrBenchley]

16. Guy goes into a whorehouse...

asks "how much to get laid?"
The Madam says "$25."
He says, "I only have $10."
"Are you crazy?" asks the madam. "I'm not going to let you get laid for $10."
"Well, I only got ten bucks and I want to get laid," he says.
They bicker for a while, and finally the Madam says, "well, for $10 you can't get a whore...but you can screw my poodle."
Well, he thinks about it for a while and then says okay....

The next night he's back and says "How much to get laid?"
The Madam says "Same as last night. $25."
He says, "I only have $5."
"Are you crazy?" asks the madam. "I'm not going to let you get laid for $5."
"Well, I only got five bucks and I want to get laid," he says.
They bicker for a while, and finally the Madam says, "well, for $5 I'll let you go to the peep show."
So he pays his five dollars and joins the crowd at the peep show. And he's watching a couple screw, and after a while he turns to the guy next to him and says "Jeeze, this is really boring."
And that guy says, "Ah...You shoulda been here last night....there was a guy humping a poodle in there."

[Lefta Dissenter]

18. ...

Three men, one German, one Japanese
and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German
pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager, 'he said, "I have a micro chip
under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow
lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be
outdone he decided he had to do something just as
impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The hillbilly finally said...

"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

[NightTrain]

19. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that little thing?"

OR:

"Can you pick up peanuts with it?"

[eileen_d]

21. Deleted message - nah, just kidding

I too thought it was funny to have a deleted message on this thread. C'mon Robb, didn't you get the joke? ;)

Anyway, here's one of my favorites:

So two cannibals are in the process of devouring a clown, and one says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Ba-dum-dum.

[northofdenali]

22. How to start a car in Alaska............................

Life in Alaska’s great Interior is sometimes hot, sometimes cold, and always interesting. When you’re personally in the middle of a scene like to one at left, it’s cold. When the weather is 25 to 40 below zero, it’s time to put on your gloves. Don’t try this at home and, with a tribute to Dave Barry, we are not making this up.

Cheechako (newcomer): Car owner, fresh up from the lower 48, dashes out at 7:45 a.m., full of optimism and energy, chops off enough ice from the windshield to form a peephole (theory being that the line from the peephole to the front bumper will guide one down the street). Quickly injects a pint of ether into the carburetor, pours a pint of alcohol into the gas tank (takes a snort, it’s damn cold), steps on the starter which is connected to four truck batteries.
RESULTS: Car does not start. Car owner is 1/2 day late to work. Owner, in desperation, having tried everything except getting up earlier becomes an Experimenter.

Experimenter (a little less of a newcomer but still a cheechako): Car owner has become a gadgeteer. Has installed a crank case heater, head bolt heater, carburetor heater, fuel pump heater, dip stick heater and de-icers. Still not willing to arise earlier, the experimenter installs auto-start. While sipping coffee at 7:45 a.m., uses auto-start to crank car and is ecstatic to hear rumble of engine starting. Experimenter jumps into car, puts into gear. Car makes a sound. This sound is “clunk”. Auto transmission is sludge at 45 below zero. Experimenter did not put car in neutral (which, of course, defeats the reason for buying the auto-start).
RESULTS: Experimenter is 3 hours late to work.

In order to enlighten newly-arrived car owners, we were able to obtain the advice of a Sourdough (has been here a long, long time). Sourdough in question swears (after timely refills of Jack Daniels) that the following steps will ensure that a car will start at 45 below.

1. Get up at 3:00 a.m. Create bonfire next to car to warm hands.
2. Dig car out from ice and snow.
3. Kick car soundly 3 or 4 times to establish respect for authority.
4. Pretend disinterest in whether or not car will start. Light pipe or cigar, using twig from bonfire. Hover in area, musing aloud about the beauty of the scenery.
5. Shaking head, mention several reasons why the purchase of a newer car or, better yet, truck or SUV is indicated.
6. With judicious use of profanity, kick car soundly 3 or 4 more times.
7. Return to cabin, feigning intention to remain there. Pour cup of coffee, sit at kitchen table and sip, taking care that car can see you through the window.
8. Nonchalantly stroll back outside. Being sure car does not see the procedure, unplug head bolt heater (camouflaged extension cords advised). Kick car soundly three or four more times. While car is preoccupied, quickly pry open driver’s door (using crowbar to get through ice and snow). Rapidly push pre-heated key into ignition, quickly pump gas pedal 3 or 4 times, and turn key. Slam car into “neutral”, simultaneously turning heater to “defrost”.
9. Return to cabin, open daily newspaper to “Vehicles for Sale” classifieds, being sure car can view this through window.
10. After waiting 45 minutes, rapidly exit cabin, quickly enter driver’s side door, simultaneously putting car into “drive” or 1st gear. Step on gas pedal, being sure to have an ice scraper handy to keep open a small “window” over dash. Slowly bring car to 5 miles per hour and remain there for at least 1/2 mile (air in tires has “frozen”, over 5 mph, tires can literally break), continuously scraping windshield for visibility. Once tires have thawed, enjoy ride to work (upon arrival, your heater will have started to warm the interior).
RESULTS: Only 1 hour late for work. :D

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

23. A guy comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase

"Whaddaya think you're doing?" he hollers.

She shouts back, "I'm sick of you! I'm through with you! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back!"

"Oh yeah?" the guy sneers. "And just how how are you gonna support yourself?"

"I'll move to Vegas! Guys there'll pay women fifty bucks just for givin' em a blowjob!"

At that the guy pulls out his suitcase and starts packing too.

"Whaddaya think you're doing?" his wife screams.

"I'm coming with. I gotta see how you live on fifty bucks a year!"

Thank you ladies and germs. Drive safe and god bless.

[Blue-Jay]

24. The Horth

A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy," says the guy, "he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth," says the midget.
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" asks the midget.
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over. "Nith eyeth," notes the midget. "Can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth," comments the midget. "Can I thee her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty annoyed by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf," states the midget. "Can I thee her twat?"
Totally fed up at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and
jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what,
pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that?" says the midget. "Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

25. A guy stumbles off his barstool, stumbles into a cab, falls out of the cab

crashes through the door of his home and falls into bed. The next morning his wife says, "Henry, you got drunkagain last night didn't you?"

Henry says, "How did you know?"

The wife says,
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"Hooters called - you forgot your wheelchair"