men of du, share your fart stories

[name not needed]

in 6th grade i really had to fart. it hurt to hold it in. and my sphincter gave up and i let loose the loudest and longest fart known to man.

[Deja Q]

1. When I got to a bookstore,

I let out the strong silent type in front of the repuke books. :evilgrin:

[MuseRider]

2. Was that you?

Several years ago I was in a bookstore with my two teenaged boys and my husband. It was so bad, even upstairs that we had to leave. We figured it was someones sick kid or something and now I find out it was just you in front of Hannity's book. Good one.

[Droopy]

3. I'm lactose intolerant

And when I drink regular milk it gives me a wicked case of the farts. I did not know this until I was in my early twenties. When I was in school we would always have milk as our lunch drink and I was paying for by fourth period. And making everybody else pay for it, too. I never did make the connection until well after I was out of high school.

[Endangered Specie]

4. 4th grade...

held one for pratically hours, then after school, went outside and farted in the bushes, good thing there were dozens of loud buses nearby, be it musta lasted for 20-25 seconds solid... I coulda sworn that the bushes turned slightly brown afterwards :evilgrin:

[name not needed]

5. i am currently in the middle of a fart

[NewHampster]

6. The Farting Contest

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tease,
Where all the best farters paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.

Continued Here

[Burma Jones]

7. I was drinking at the Preakness and

Let Loose a Whopper, I heard this raspy voice ask what the hell was that, and I turn around to see that I farted on Senator Mikulski, I am 6'2", she's maybe five feet tall, so she was closer to the source. After telling her that I not only voted for her, but went around tearing Linda Chavez posters off of walls, she forgave me.

[NewHampster]

8. At school my nickname was Torch

yep.

and when the frat pledges all went to get caricatures mine ended up with me holding a match and everyone running.

I still love that pose.

:nuke:

[Donkeyboy75]

9. The summer before I started graduate school,

I was temping at the Limited's corporate offices. After two months, I had developed a crush on this GORGEOUS woman who I saw in the office a few times a week. We would occassionally make eye contact, but true to form I was too much of a coward to do anything about it.

One Thursday evening, I was finishing up and had to make some copies. There was a problem with the copier, and I was fixing it...it was about 5:20, and almost everyone left at about 5.

As an aside, I drank a few Heinekens the night before, and I swear to God that stuff is brewed from turd water, as it makes my gas smell like a slaughterhouse.

Anyway, here I am in this poorly ventilated side room containing only a copier, and it's 5:20. I think it's safe to let out an earth-shattering fart. It was. Nobody was around, but it smelled to high heaven. About two minutes later, this gorgeous woman walks in, and says "Oh, is that thing..." I never got to hear the end of her sentence, as a look of disgust and horror fell over her face. She turned on her heel, and got the hell out of there.

No more eye contact after that.

I still drink Heineken.

:hurts:

[KG]

10. not enuff bandwidth.

farting is a good thing. i try to do it every day. hourly is even better.

[DemoTex]

11. There is no such thing as a "safe" fart.

That's all you need to know.

[kckc]

12. Too funny!

Just skimming through the front page of discussions and I see "men of DU, share your fart stories". Then I glance down the page and see a discussion titled "the ground shifted". Is there a connection? :)

[ironflange]

13. I was in grade six too

The police dept's bike safety rig came to the school. It was a classroom type thing in a big long semi trailer, you know. The kids loved that thing. Anyway, the nice police officer was doing her thing while my intestinal pressure built and built. Finally, unable to contain it any longer, out came this strange high pitched pbbbbbWEEEEOOOOOOOOOO sound. Every kid between me and the front turned and stared. Trying to save my social life, I also turned to stare behind me. Didn't do much good, though, I was in the last row.

[jmowreader]

14. "You're a nasty MF when you eat MREs..."

MREs and I don't get along well. I kinda found this out during a deployment to Fort Stewart.

We got to Fort Stewart by driving to Griffiss AFB, putting our vehicles on a C-141 and flying to Hunter Army Airfield. Before we left Drum, they gave us three MREs--dinner, breakfast and lunch the next day. By the time we'd been put on the airplane, I'd eated dinner and breakfast the third day...all MREs. We load up and start flying to Georgia.

About an hour into the flight, I cut loose with an industrial-strength fart. About thirty seconds later the aircraft commander came on the intercom: "Who cut that?" I was seated at station 240--twenty feet from the nose of the airplane.

Six months later we were doing range week. Naturally, three MREs a day. On day four, I managed to rip one that cleared off an entire firing line.

I managed to cut one in the division command post that cleared out the whole briefing tent, which at the time contained every officer over the rank of lieutenant colonel in the division. When a two-star general manages to run out of the tent because of one troop's Weapon of Mass Destruction farts, you know you're in trouble.

[Blue-Jay]

15. Not really a "story", but more of a law of nature.

I can be alone in my office for hours at a time. Exactly two seconds after I let one go, someone invariably walks in and has something important to discuss.

[TreasonousBastard]

16. Some time in January...

when the stores are empty, I was meandering through a KMart and let one loose. A terrible thing it was, and as the greenish-brown cloud was peeling the labels off of camping gear, I heard voices in the next aisle.

Quickly scooting around the other way, I was skulking toward the exit when I heard a youngish voice scream "OOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!! Wha'djoo do?"

"Not me!"

"Gotta be you!"

And so on...

I was laughing so hard I let another one go as I managed my escape to Bathware, and the exit.