Hardhead's How-to-Dance Primer for White Boys

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If you're like me, dancing doesn't come easy. It's hard to simulate soul and rhythm when you don't have any. But you CAN learn to dance, in just 3 easy steps!

1) God gave you a butt. Use it! Pretend your butt is a separate entity with a will of its own. Let it gyrate and wiggle and get DOWN! If it doesn't feel like gyrating and pumping and grinding, pretend you have an ant in your shorts crawling on your testicles and you're trying to get it out without using your hands. THAT IS THE SECRET! Throw your arms in the air as though in ecstasy (or distress) and just go to town with it: ants in my pants, ants in my pants. How do you think everyone else does it?

2) If you know you're going to be dancing, start drinking early. With any luck, you'll pass out before you hit the dance floor. This is your date's cue to take you home and give you private lessons.

3) The pelvic thrust should be used with discretion, lest you find yourself engaged to someone whose acquaintance you have yet to make or, even worse, her boyfriend.