I need St Paddies Day jokes to lift my spirits

[holeinboatoutatsea]

I've lifted enough spirits for one day, and it gets tiresome!

Got any good ones?

[kclown]

1. Q. Who is Irish, green, and stands in the backyard all year round?

A. Paddy O'Furniture

[holeinboatoutatsea]

2. woo hoo!

I hadn't heard that one!

[smirkymonkey]

9. Damn, you stole my favorite

Irish joke!! :)

Here's one:

Q: What's an Irishman's idea of a seven course meal??

A: A six-pack and a potato.

[sistersofmercy]

3. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk. OK, I actually was told this one at an Irish wake for a bar owner.

[many a good man]

4. O'Malley's fatal illness

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order. O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends,

"I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"


O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."

[Pale_Rider]

5. For all you church-goers ...

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy"?

"Yes father, it is I.", replies Tommy.

"Who was the woman you were with?", inquires the priest.

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley"?
"No, father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No, father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No, father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened.

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

[dflprincess]

6. Patrick is about to get his US citizenship

as his family and many friends look on the judge quizzes him on American history.

"Now, Paddy, " says the judge, "who discovered America?"
"St Brendan the Navigator," replies Pat. His friends and family cheer.

"That's not the answer we usualy expect, but I see where you're coming from," says the judge. "Who was the first president of the United States?"

Says Pat, "That would be George Washington, your honor, and his mother's name was Sullivan." The friends and family cheer.

The judge sighs and asks "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Pat looks the judge square in the eye and says "I can't answer that." The friends and family cheer.

The judge looks at the crowd in amazement and stutters "What are you cheering about - he didn't answer the question?"

And a voice from the crowd cries "Aye your honor, he refused to inform."

[SiobhanClancy]

7. here's a couple...

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"
**************************

Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"
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Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
************************

An English MP was making a speech to a crowd in Belfast. "I was born an Englishman,I've lived my whole life as an Englishman,and by God I'll die an Englishman" Then came a disgusted voice from the crowd:"Shite man..have ye no ambition?"

[holeinboatoutatsea]

10. damn good

especially the last one, though I wish no ham, I mean harm, on anyone.

[greatauntoftriplets]

11. This one is a true story.

Forget the exact year -- late teens or early 1920s -- de Valera was running for MP. He was giving a speech and the Brits came and busted him. Spent something like a year in jail. Upon his release, he returned to the same spot and started giving his speech: "As I was saying before I was interrupted."

[glarius]

8. How about this?