I have a friend who is chronically late to everything. Last week the man he was dating

[La Lioness Priyanka]

put and end to things for them, because he was late. AGAIN.

Yesterday, he was supposed to be at my place for dinner at 8.00 PM. At 9.30 PM I get an email saying, that his phone is dead so he cant make it because our apt doesnt have a buzzer. Regardless he would have been 1.5 hrs late to dinner.

Lisa and I are thinking about doing an intervention for him. He is a frequent guest to the house. I think our intervention will be, that he has to show up with in 30 mins of his invite time. Otherwise his invite is cancelled.

I think i might ask our mutual friends to do the same. Not because his lateness is annoying but because I think its genuinely affecting his life.

Any thoughts?

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

1. I agree with your plans

Setting limits with your friend sounds like a good idea. If he is ruining relationships with his chronic tardiness, then yes, it is affecting his life.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. did you see my facebook update about making a spinach quiche for a friend?

well, he didnt show up so my quiche making was in vain

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

3. I didn't see that

but I think you are being extremely generous with your friend.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. If he doesn't understand how actions have consequences...

Then an intervention might be just the ticket...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

5. thanks

[Maine-ah]

6. my mom is chronically late too

if we really want her at our house at 8, we tell her 7 :)

[rebel with a cause]

19. I have a sister who is usually a little late

but my daughter is the one that was born late and has never been on time since.

I kid you not, she was born almost a full month late and that seems to have set the mood for her life. When she was younger and in high school, she had detention almost every Saturday because of her tardiness. Top student in her class, never did anything bad but still sitting in detention when she was sometimes suppose to be on some scholar bowl trip. Of course it was always my fault (according to her) because I couldn't get her to school across town in two minutes.

She now usually makes it to work on time, or within a minute or two of being on time. I have learned to live with it because it is her problem and she has to deal with it. Of course since I have to depend on her to get me to appointments it does affect me. I have learned to just apologize and give her the credit for my lateness. ;)

[mulsh]

7. An intervention is a good first step but

if your friend is anything like one of my chronically late friends it won't end there.

As we got older my childhood buddy got later and later. he blamed work, his boy friend, someone her ran into, all sorts of excused. AT one point after waiting over an hour I jammed his business after hours answering machine with a recitation of the sports page. pissed off his business partner. very personally satisfying so I did two more times. Tod the partner and my friend that my time was as important as their time, so be on time.

In the end, after about 2 years of trying all sorts of things I finally told him to be on time or don't bother showing up. He was miffed the times he showed up late and I had left. I no longer make plans with him.

or you could do what I ended up doing with my "late" girlfriend. she was usually about 30 minutes to an hour late so I just set meeting time an hour earlier and she was no longer late. Her hubby does the same thing to this day. see, problem solved.

good luck

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

8. I suspect his problem is beyond merely being disorganized and absent-minded.

My ex was like that -- he was late for *everything* -- all the time. He will be late for his own funeral. I started doing the trick of telling him something was supposed to start an hour earlier than it really did in order to get him there on time, but that didn't cure him of being chronically late. I eventually concluded that it was some sort of passive-aggressive behavior that made it possible for him to control events without seeming to, and it fit with the other passive-aggressive stuff he did. Maybe that's your friend's problem.

[rebel with a cause]

20. Makes sense.

edited to add: After thinking about this, I agree it may be the reason behind the lateness but there could also be another explanation for it with some people.

I have no sense of direction. I was always shocked when people would know east from west, north from south without a focus point. I never have any idea which direction is which unless I am some where the streets have their direction in their names and then I base it all on them and which way they point me to. Perhaps there are also some people that have no sense of time and the handling of it. They look at the clock and think they have plenty of time, then when they get ready they are shocked to see that an hour or two has pasted. They are people who never get in a hurry until they are late. That is how my daughter always has been, but then again I don't put it past her now doing it as a passive aggressive way of getting/keeping control. With her I suspect it is probably both.

:shrug:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

26. It depends on whether they really want to be on time.

In your case, you probably don't want to be getting lost all the time so you do things to compensate for your poor sense of direction -- maps, landmarks, GPS, Onstar, whatever. People who merely have a poor sense of time are probably aware of it, and will do things to compensate for that, like setting alarms, because they really don't want to be late all the time. Otherwise there's something going on with a chronically late person. They know they are always late, and they also know it irritates people, but they keep doing it anyway and make no effort to fix the problem -- no alarms, reminders, any of those things. With those people you can only conclude that some part of them wants to be late, probably because they are now in control of the situation in a way, as by making other wait for them. There's no cure for that other than going ahead with your plans at the scheduled time. Then there's no satisfaction for their lateness.

[rebel with a cause]

29. I agree with you

and my daughter is a control freak, as I call her. ;)

On the other hand, I do believe there were times she was just naturally like this because the only person that it hurt was herself. That is why I gave the example. She is a hard one to figure out at times because she is not much like me, or maybe she is and I just don't want to see it. :shrug: :rofl:

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. Make him take responsibioity for lateness - if you say dinner at 8:00 pm,

go ahead and eat at 8:00 whether he's there or not.

If you say "Let's meet for a movie at 7:00", then go to the movie at 7:00 - if he's not there, he doesn't go.

When he shows up late, say "sorry, we already ate at the scheduled time - I can make you a plate to take home" or "Sorry you missed the movie - it was great!"

Do that a few times, and he'll stop the lateness crap.

Being late is about power and control over people.

Sometimes, it can also be a result of someone who's just totally unable to cope with daily life and scheduling oneself. Therapy can help with that.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

10. Sometimes, it can also be a result of someone who's just totally unable to cope with daily life and

thats his deal. not power.

[driver8]

11. I have a friend like this -- it pisses me off. I finally quit asking him

to do things with me.

Being that late is them telling you that their time is more important than yours...

Fuck that -- I don't have time for games.

[hippywife]

12. I wouldn't tell him

that if he doesn't make it within 30 minutes of his invite time that it's cancelled. I would just invite him and if he doesn't show up in that time cancel it. Otherwise, he isn't going to even make the attempt to show up and shrug it off. He has to make the effort to come anyway, and learn THEN that it's cancelled, if not he hasn't really learned the consequences. He'll just stay home and not even make the effort.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining that right. Does that make sense?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

13. yes it does.

[KG]

14. i would drop that kind of asshole from my circle of friends.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. he is not in anyway an asshole

[KG]

18. you asked for our thoughts. i think his chonic lateness is assholish.

and as long as the people in his life put with it, he's not going to change.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

23. and as long as the people in his life put with it, he's not going to change.

that i agree with

[La Lioness Priyanka]

16. he is not in anyway an asshole

[MissMillie]

17. I like to perform a similar intervention

For most of the faculty members in my department.

[Swede]

21. I have a friend like that.

It's passive aggressive imho.

[LynneSin]

22. I tend to run late but usually never more than 15-20 minutes

what's funny - most of my friends are like that too. So when we plans something, I'll pick about an hour earlier just to ensure we have enough buffer.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

24. he showed up at 1.00 AM to his date's when he was supposed to be there by 9 PM

its more than 15-20 mins which is normal lateness & i can understand

[kwassa]

25. this is pretty abusive, imho.

I've seen it kill dating relationships before, and it came close to killing mine, though that one died from other reasons. It is the very height of disrespect to others, and narcissistic self-absorbtion.

I've seen an engaged couple break up over this.

I have had friends, though, who were much more tolerant than I over this behavior, and would always insist on not starting without the late friend, even if he was late for hours.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

27. In that case, the host should have answered the door in his bathrobe

and sleepily mumbled something about it being 1:00 AM, then closed the door in the guy's face. That's beyond mere sloppy, disorganized lateness -- it's damn rude. No wonder he got broken up with.

[whistler162]

28. Well... you could try....

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071024160954AAGuIZi;)

I am slightly anal about being early/ontime and the only time I want to be late, and if I get the chance to plan I will be, is late to my funural/memorial service.

[Iggo]

30. I used to have that problem.

Then I stopped doing meth, and the problem went away.

[Flaxbee]

31. Hmm. You could do the 30 minute thing for

events at your home, dinner, whatever (so long as you don't make others wait - just serve at the time you'd set, say 8pm, and if he shows by 8:30, fine, if not, don't answer the door).


But for events where you have to be somewhere on time, he gets no slack.


Showing up at 1a.m. when he's due at 9p.m. is appallingly bad behavior. I'd assume, if someone hadn't showed or called after a half hour or hour at the latest, that they'd just blown off the invitation and/or stood me up, or were in a hospital somewhere.

[whistler162]

32. Showing up at 1 am for a 9 pm date is

saying "I want to breakup but want you to do it.".

[La Lioness Priyanka]

33. honestly, it wasnt.

[mnhtnbb]

34. Find your friend a good shrink. He has some serious issues requiring more than

friendly interventions. He needs professional help.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

35. yes, that was part of my message

[av8rdave]

36. I have a relative like that

I don't want to name names or point fingers, but he's my only sibling. Time apparently has no meaning to him. A few times, we agreed to meet someplace/sometime, and I just told him that I wouldn't be there if he wasn't there within a few minutes of then. So I wasn't.

That eventually solved the problem.