Post the funniest joke you've ever heard. (Safe for work, please)

[Bertha Venation]

[Rambis]

1. So this Irishman walks out of a bar

:toast: :evilgrin:

[NightWatcher]

2. not the funniest per se, but a good one...

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[Brickbat]

3. This is one of my faves, an oldie and punny.

These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders. The bartender throws him out, yelling, "I don't serve strings in this bar! Get outta here!"

The other string roughs himself up and ties himself into half hitch. He walks in an orders.

The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"

The string says "Yeah."

The bartender says, "Aren't you a string?"

The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

:rofl:

[MorningGlow]

6. That's got my vote!

I have a heck of a time remembering jokes, but a professor of mine told me that joke more than 20 years ago and I never forgot it. It still makes me giggle.
:rofl:

[skygazer]

4. Heard this one the other day

A man and his wife decided to go to Florida for a relaxing vacation. However, due to hectic schedules, he had to go down one day before her. He got there safely and easily, checked into the hotel and noticed there was a computer in the room. The man decides to send a email to his wife, but realizes after he hit "Send," he had missed a letter in her email address!

An hour later in Missouri, a widow arrives home after her husband's funeral. Being as her husband was a pastor, she checks her email inbox, expecting messages from church-goers, relatives and friends sending their condolences. Instead, though, she sees one titled "To My Loving Wife." The woman gasps, and opens the email.

"To my loving wife, I have arrived here safely. Everyone has been so kind and has gotten me settled quite nicely. I can't wait until you arrive here.

P.S. It's hot down here!"

[Bertha Venation]

5. anyone else?

[BOSSHOG]

7. A seasonal offering

A man walked into his favorite restaurant Christmas morning and ordered Eggs Benedict. A few minutes later the waiter returned with a large hubcap. The man was astounded and asked "what's this?" The waiter responded, "there's no plate like chrome for the Hollondaise."

Two Nuns got in a carwreck. The mechanic at the garage sent them to a fruit stand because he heard nuns traveled in "pairs."

[lildreamer316]

43. ROTFLMAss OFF!!!!

couldn't stop laughing at the first one,thanks!

[PassingFair]

8. This joke was rated the 2nd funniest joke in the world, by the British....

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies:





















"Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's the tip of the iceberg."

[BOSSHOG]

9. A Russian and a Czech scientist were studying Grizzlie Bears

at Yellowstone Park during mating season. After a week, the park rangers had not heard from them and went searching for the scientists. They found a female grizzlie bear and had to kill her to see if she had eaten the scientists. They cut her open and found the Russian. One ranger said to the other, "ya know what this means?" The other replied, "Yeah, The Czech's in the Male."

[Schema Thing]

16. hah, CarTalk last week!

[BOSSHOG]

19. I get my best material from Click and Clack

Post #7 from them too (the first one.)

[Jamastiene]

10. My two most favorite jokes are these:

The Hungry Bats

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

*****************************************************

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.


2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.


5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.


6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.


17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).


18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.


19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.


20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[TrogL]

33. you forgot collorary

How to give pill to a dog.

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

2. Place near dog.

[ironflange]

46. Another take

Wrap it in bacon. Make him beg for it.

[hippywife]

45. That first one...

:rofl:

I didn't see that one coming. :rofl:

[Tommy_Carcetti]

11. Behold, the funniest joke ever.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"



:hide:

[madinmaryland]

25. D'oh!

I was going to post that one!

[Ron Green]

12. Two peanuts were walking down the street:

One of them was a salted.

[Tommy_Carcetti]

13. By the Energizer Bunny.

Who was charged with battery.

[Haole Girl]

14. An Aggie joke

My sister (a Baylor grad) told me this:

A mother told her son, as he was leaving home (to attend Texas A&M), "Drive carefully and obey all road signs."

Her son didn't show up at school until 3 days after he was due.

Worried, the mother asked, "What happened?"

The son replied, "You said to drive carefully & obey all road signs...

well, there were a lot of 'Clean Restrooms' signs."





(ok, it might have been funnier when she told it to me)

[gmoney]

24. then they saw the one that said "Drink Canada Dry"

[pokerfan]

15. Little Tommy was doing very badly in math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

[Schema Thing]

17. What's black & white and red all over, and can't turn around in an elevator?

?

[mike_c]

18. barely work safe and not PC....

I'm terrible with jokes-- I can never remember them. When I tell a joke, it usually goes like this: "Hey, did you hear the one about the two irishmen who went into a bar? First irishman sits down and orders a beer. The second irishman looks at him and says.... Um. He looks at him and sez.... Um. Shit, I forgot."

I heard this joke 30 years ago and I still remember it. Go figure.

This guy joins the French Foreign Legion and gets sent to a fort way out in the desert, several miles from the nearest town. There are only men at the fort-- no women. After a few months our legionnaire becomes rather desperate for female companionship, so finally he approaches the crusty old sergeant and confesses his desperation.

"Sergeant," he says, "I can't take this any longer. A man has NEEDS, ya' know! What do the other men do to relieve themselves of this terrible desperation?"

The wise old sergeant flashes an evil grin and says "But of course! It was only a matter of time!" He lowers his voice to a sly conspiratorial whisper and says "When ze men become truly desperate, zey use ze camel!"

"The CAMEL? That flea-bitten raggedy old sway-back CAMEL? That's disgusting!" lamented the legionnaire. "I could NEVER do that!"

The old sergeant simply smiled and said "All men come to ze camel in time. The desert is patient, and can wait."

Sure enough, after a couple of more months pass, the young recruit is beside himself with desperation. He dreams about women every night, and his days are filled with fantasies. At the height of his desperation, he returns to the sergeant and agrees to meet him in the stables at midnight.

"Come alone," says the sergeant, "and make no noise."

As instructed, the young legionnaire appears in the stables at midnight, where the wise old sergeant is waiting for him, with a bad tempered, fly blown, dung encrusted, ancient old camel on a short lead.

"I will hold ze camel's head," he said, "so she cannot bite you while you mount her."

The legionnaire did not reply-- he was too deeply embarrassed by the situation, but he decided to just get it over with and hope that afterward he would feel better and this would all seem more normal. While the sergeant held the camel's head in the darkened stable, he heard the young recruit position himself behind the camel. The sound of pants dropping to the ground reached his ears. The beast grunted and bawled as the legionnaire thrust and moaned behind it. Eventually the young man sighed. He caught his breath and adjusted his clothing.

"Thanks sergeant," he sighed. "That was pretty gross, but it helped a lot. I feel better now."

"Zat is good," replied the sergeant, "but I have never seen anything like that in my life! How could you do zat to zis poor old camel?"

"But you said all the men use the camel when they get desperate!" cried the abashed young recruit!

"Zey do," replied the sergeant. "Ze ride her to town, to meet ze women."

[elehhhhna]

21. GWB was a paratrooper in Vietnam.

He told me that the first time they parachuted, he was too scared, and after many threats theh commanding officer said, "George, get out that door or I'll blank you in the heinie!"

"So", I asked, "did you jump?"

"Sure," he said, "at first."

[mike_c]

37. *snort*

:rofl:

[Biker13]

34. I...Can't...Breathe...!

I'm still laughing!!!

[ismnotwasm]

20. They were handing copies of this out where I work

"Yesterday, I as at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my son's dogs, and I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had? a water buffalo? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her than no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I said that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the was it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard

Costco won't let me shop there anymore

Better watch what you ask retried people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say."

[gratuitous]

22. Not the funniest, but one of the most recent

A guy is about to tee off at the local public course, when another man comes up and asks if he can join the first guy. First guy says he usually golfs alone, but what the heck. After two holes of play, they appear pretty evenly matched, and the second guy proposes that they "make it interesting. Say five dollars a hole?" The first man accepts.

The second man proceeds to clean his clock, and at the 18th hole, the first man pungles up $80 and hands it over. The second man says, "Thanks. I have to tell you though, that I kind of hustled you. See, I'm the club pro at the course over in Springfield. No hard feelings?" The first guy says, "Well, that's interesting. I'm just the pastor at the Main Street Church. I usually golf alone to mentally work on my sermon." The pro, startled, offers the $80 back, but the pastor says, "Keep it. It was a debt of honor. But . . . if you really want to salve your conscience, why don't you come to church next Sunday and put it in the offering plate?" The pro quickly agrees, "Yeah, yeah, that's just what I'll do. Thanks, pastor."

The pastor rejoined, "And if you want to bring your mom and dad along, I'll marry them for free."

[Raffi Ella]

23. Please Note:

[mopinko]

26. a buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says-

"make me one with everything"

[gratuitous]

28. The vendor said, "That'll be three fifty, please"

The Buddhist handed the vendor a five, which the vendor pocketed. The Buddhist waited a moment, and said, "And my change?" The vendor replied . . .

"Change comes from within."

[rurallib]

27. I got a couple

1) the infamous texas chili cookoff contest judge:
http://www.jokecrazy.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1322
nearly cried the first time I heard it.

2) The CIA applicants:
Three men were trying out for the CIA. The final test was to test their ability to follow orders.. For the test each man was ordered to go into a room where his wife would be sitting. They were given a gun. The assignment was to kill their wives. Unbeknownced to the applicants the gun had blanks.
The first applicant was a newly wed. While he really needed the job, there was no way he could shoot his wife. He came out weeping, said "she is the love of my life." And crying he threw the gun down and ran out the door.
The second man had been married for 15 years. He went into the room, but also came back out mission unaccomplished. He looked sadly at the director and said qietly "She is the mother of my children. I could no more kill her than them." And with that he left.
The third man was a veteran of 30 years of marriage. Taking the gun he went into the room. After a couple of quiet minutes a huge noise erupted in the room. After aabout 5 minutes, the noise ceased and the man strode out into the room. "Some son of a bitch put blanks in my gun, so I had to use my hands!"

3) Sarah Palin's book tour was going to an appearance in Disney World. As Sarah drove down the freeway, she saw a sign that said "DISNEY WORLD LEFT". Disappointed, Sarah turned the RV around and headed for home.

4) finally, I was a sysytems person at a factory. At break one day an older woman systems person handed me a paper with the following story on it. She then proceeded to sit across the room from me to watch my reaction:
Subject: “Mouse Balls”

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
Please remember that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

[phasma ex machina]

29. A blonde cop pulls over a speeding blonde

The cop says, "I need a picture ID."

The driver opens her purse, frenetically searching for her wallet. Instead she happens upon a makeup mirror. She opens it, sees herself, and breaths a sigh of relief while handing the mirror to the cop.

The cop looks at it and asks, "Why didn't you just tell me you were a cop in the first place?"

[Maraya1969]

30. A drunk guy walks out of a bar and heads toward home through the neighborhood

cemetery. He falls into a freshly dug hole that was to be used the next day.

After a while another drunk guy follows the same route to get to his house. As he is walking he hears the first drunk crying, "Help me, I'm cold" from the bottom of the grave. The second drunk walks over and sees the first drunk sitting in the bottom of the grave and says to him, "Well no wonder you're cold, you done kicked all your dirt off"

[TrogL]

31. Beaver Lumber

Actually, that worked out not being safe for work 'cause i got the giggles and had to be dragged out from under my desk and sedated.

[kayakjohnny]

32. Many, many versions of this one...

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big cone with a double-scoop of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no, it's just ice cream, I swear!"

[kayakjohnny]

35. Ok, ok..one more...

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Well, Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, Get Off My Ewe!"

[TrogL]

36. OK, somebody has to tell it

What's easier to unload from a truck; bottles or dead babies.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Dead babies, 'cause you can use a pitchfork.

.

.

I told that at an open mike night at a jazz club and got banned for life. They wrestled the mic away from me before I told another one.

[velvet]

38. I forget the funniest joke I've ever heard

These will have to do ...


A man goes to the doctor with a carrot stuck in his ear and a banana up his nose. He says, "Doctor I don't feel very well."
The Doctor says, "I'm not surprised. You're not eating properly!"


During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, she said "Well, it had to be at least 8 characters long."

[GreenPartyVoter]

39. Right-o! Here goes...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM&fmt=18

[Jamastiene]

40. The Southern Grandma and the Judge

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Desmond. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro, since He was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[Manifestor_of_Light]

41. Jesus was with a crowd of people.

And they wanted to stone a man who admitted he had sinned.

Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone".

WHIZZZZZ!!! goes a big rock, flying through the air, that barely misses the sinner.

And then Jesus says......

"Ya, know, Mom, sometimes you REALLY tick me off."


:evilgrin:

[Manifestor_of_Light]

42. True story told by Laura Bush:

Laura and George W. are out campaigning. George is running for Governor of Texas.

They meet a little boy. Little boy says, "Hey there! I know you! Your Daddy used to be President!".

George says, "Yeah, that's right! He used to be President! So, who's my daddy?"

Boy: "George Washington".

[blockhead]

44. Tiger Woods has a new nickname.....

Cheetah

[ironflange]

47. Two nuns were driving down a lonely road late at night

Suddenly, a vampire jumped onto the hood of the car.

The driver said the other one, "Quick! Show him your cross!"

So she leans out the window and yells, "GET THE HELL OFF OUR GODDAMN CAR!!!"