I'm nearly 40 and still single. What the Hell is WRONG with me?

[ThatsMyBarack]

If I really wanted, I COULD jump on one of those dating sites and start a relationship with a guy (that's how my sister met her husband), but I'm way too scared and just not motivated.

I get so jealous of engaged/married persons, but do I really have a right to complain? I thought not.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear ThatsMyBarack...

You do have a right to complain, of course...

But wouldn't it be better to do something?

Your fears are holding you up; toss them away,and get going!

Your future awaits...

:hug:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

2. Nothing necessarily.

If you're happy being single, then good for you. If not, try to change your situation.

[edbermac]

3. Getting married just to be married sounds wrong to me.

You might look at your personal interests and see if you can get involved with similar minded people.

For example, my hobby is photography so I joined a camera club. Not many single women there, but it's a start.

[kayakjohnny]

It's all about what you think, not what society thinks.

I've spent my whole adult life with and then with out girlfriends, lovers, whatever. Came close to marriage only briefly and only once in all that time.

Wouldn't trade the experiences for anything. Used to wonder if it was something about me. Now I know it's just the way it is. And I can't complain for all the other unreal things that have happened in my life.

I'm 52 now and things are cool. I don't push this stuff. It comes and goes on it's own. I'm happy with someone, and I'm happy when I'm solo.

That's just how it is.

[KamaAina]

4. Well, I'm 45 and still single.

...and male...

[mnhtnbb]

5. I met my husband through a video dating service in the mid- 80's called

Great Expectations in Los Angeles. It was written up in Cosmopolitan Magazine and the owner/creator
was interviewed on Oprah.

We will have been married 25 years next May. I have a girlfriend from those days who also
joined and met and married her husband of now 20 some years, too.

If you're not motivated, that's one thing, but if you're scared, ask yourself of what? That you just
might meet the man of your dreams? If so, that might mean changes in your life. Change, for the right reason, can be a good thing.

[trof]

6. I have a friend.

She's intelligent, witty, funny as hell.
Early 40s.
I love to hang out with her.
If I wasn't already happily married, I'd probably ask/choose her.
I've tried to 'fix her up' with a couple of friends.
I guess they are looking for the Victoria's Secret Model.
She's a bit of a squatty body.
A tad broad in the beam.
That wouldn't matter to me.
I still think she's cute as hell.
I dunno.
She's resigned to being and 'aunt' and, I guess, a spinster.
Some guy is missing a real deal.
Such is life?
:shrug:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

7. I've been married; now I'm not.

There are worse things than not being married.

[NightWatcher]

8. +1

[BrklynLiberal]

9. Well said..

:thumbsup: :hi:

[Lorien]

39. Yep. I was engaged to and living with a guy for years when I was much

younger. I got out when I found out what kind of a person he really was. Dodged a bullet there! Now I'm 44 and still single. Like the OP, I'm just not motivated to do internet dating (again), though I get damned sick of people asking me why I never "found someone".

[GoCubsGo]

10. Nothing is wrong with you.

If you aren't motivated, maybe you really don't want to be married deep down. I will be 49 next month. I have very little desire to be married. I felt the same way you do when I was your age. Then I looked around at all my friends and family who were married. With few exceptions, it wasn't a pretty picture. Many of them are divorced now. I realized that "Mr. Right" would have to be pretty spectacular for me to be able to live with him. I guess I just like my solitude better than I like most people.

[libodem]

11. Thank heaven

that you have the good sense not to just get mrried to get married. You obviously have some standards and have not found Mr Right, yet.

I've been married twice and have been divorced now for over 25 years. I had flawed reasoning for all my poor choices.

I find it respectable that you used your head and not some emotional desire to get into some entanglment because you dropped your standards.

Any woman can have a man if she stoops low enough. They are out there looking for a nurse or a purse.

And vice/versa.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

12. Not one goddamned thing. Buck UP, soldier....the pity part ends right here, right now.

We get sold this white picket fence, mom's apple pie version of marrying our high school sweetheart and having 2.5 kids and a dog like the one in the movie "Beethoven" and if it doesn't happen we ask "What the Hell is WRONG with me?"

There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

You simply are not GENERIC.

For YOU...like most people in the REAL world...you're just gonna have to stand firm on who you are, what you are, and when you meet the person who is right for you, AT THE RIGHT TIME IN YOUR LIFE...

...you're gonna want to thank me for what I just said.

I'm older than you and I haven't met my "soul mate" yet and I never...NEVER...ask "What the Hell is WRONG with me?"

Law of Attraction = If you are jealous of what someone else has, you can never have it.

Just be YOU. Celebrate YOU. Go out in the world and say THIS IS WHO I AM, DAMMIT...

...and dance in the rain with your soulmate.

:grouphug:

[CBHagman]

15. One of the best posts I've ever read on DU.

Seriously. I just printed it out.

:hi:

[Blue_Tires]

40. excellent points

[Deja Q]

13. Dating sites. As with all things, YMMV.

The problem may not be you -- the "other person" may not have found you yet.

37 and single, here. Won't go to second base until after the psoriasis clears up. Which means, never. Never mind, if they ask for a kiss, specify what type of kiss beforehand. A peck on the cheek isn't quite as discourteous as having a tongue thrust down your mouth and it's only one date...

[hippywife]

14. I was where you are now.

I met my husband on the internet but just in a casual chat setting, not a dating site, and we got to know each other without any expectations, just enjoyed talking to one another.

We've been married now 12 1/2 years.

I've said this many times and I firmly believe it. When people are actively "looking" they don't realize it but they do give off a vibe that can be very apparent. Once I became content with my life as it was, and accepted that I might never find the right partner, I began to be more relaxed and it just happened very naturally.

:hi:

[old mark]

16. You are too smart....By your age, I had already been married and divorced.

Enjoy your life.

mark

[Yavin4]

17. I'm 45 and Never Been Married

It's just not a priority in my life. If it happens, it happens. If it don't, it don't.

You should not think anything less of yourself just because you're not married.

[denbot]

18. Don't panic, I was two weeks short of my 50th BD before I got married

It could not have worked out better.






Photos by California Peggy

[Pool Hall Ace]

20. Beautiful pics! Are you the poster who was at one time known as puerco-bellies?

As far as the OP goes, I would give anything for a time machine so I could go back to being single. I had so much then that I don't have now. I was literally swept off my feet, and could not see this trainwreck coming. Don't even concern yourself with what others think about your 'single' status. There is nothing wrong with being single. In fact, planet Earth would probably be a better place if we all really more thought in to pairing up with someone else.

[rebel with a cause]

21. "I would give anything for a time machine"

You and me too. I was single until I was twenty-nine, which was considered old back then. Getting married was the biggest mistake in my life. And having children was the second. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and wouldn't take anything for them but raising them in the environment that was my marriage was a mistake.

Neither of my children have married. My daughter hasn't done so because the man she has a long tern relationship with (now from a distance)is just a version of her father who has been very abusive to her in the past. She still blames me for what went on in her childhood and holds her father accountable for little. She pities her father because I don't think she sees him as my/her equal. My son blames us equally and is a nice guy (nothing like his father).

So there are worse things than being single. You could be getting old with two unhappy offspring that blame you for their lives, an ex husband who you (almost) hate bur are tied to because you share children and no life of your own because you feel responsible for others. Some of us are just not meant to be married (or maybe just not to some people). Some of us are happier when we are not. Enjoy your life and your freedom. See the world.

[denbot]

32. Yup, I was known as puerco-bellies

Thanks, Alley and I loved our little ceremony.

Stepping in to the sacred circle



Drinking from our hand made wedding vase, sealing our vows.


Photo credit: California Peggy

[abbeyco]

19. Nothing WRONG with you!

I'll be 47 next month and have yet to be married; engaged twice thought and glad I never married either of those men.

I date on & off from internet dating sites, but most men around "our" age have been married (a lot carrying divorce baggage) and likely have kids - not something that's of interest to me.

I maintain a nice full life of work, friends & family, volunteer interests, and tons of social stuff and while I sometimes crave companionship, I have a wonderful doggie who loves me.

Like who you are at this stage in your life - trust me, there are plenty of folks out there willing to criticize and judge you - even if they don't know you. Be your own best friend and keep an open mind about things.....your life will only be what you make it.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

22. I know how you feel -almost 30 and never even been in a relationship

I sometimes ask myself the same questions every day and feel the same way. It's not easy:hug: :hug:

[Maraya1969]

34. This is probably very presumptuous of me but did you ever think of going to

a counselor? That is ASSUMING that you want to be in a relationship because I am not in a relationship now and I am not sure if I want to be in another one.

Anyway when I read your post I thought of that woman on TV who fixes up very wealthy men and then watches them on the date and gives them constructive criticism. Sometimes I think our fear makes us do things to push people away. I know I have done it.

Whatever you do know that you are perfect just the way you are and that you do not have to change anything unless you want to.

[MilesColtrane]

23. 46 single, never married here.

Join the club.

[liberaltrucker]

24. Absolutely nothing

I say you're incredibly lucky. Of course, this
from a veteran of 2 divorces.

:banghead:

[Deep13]

25. Sounds like you are just not doing anything to change it.

Not motivated? What does that mean? If you don't like the way you are living, you have to change what you are doing.

[Darth_Kitten]

26. NOTHING

Just find a good matchmaker if you want a relationship. I'm going that route.

Nothing wrong with you. I sure am not envious of a lot of people's relationships, there's more than meets the eye sometimes, and it ain't pretty. :(


NEVER, NEVER, NEVER envy somebody else. You don't need to. :)

[TK421]

27. Stay away from the dating sites, though...I've heard nothing but horror stories about them

from at least three people I know.

I don't have anything past that to offer...

[Skittles]

28. you're smart; there is nothing wrong with you

[david13]

29. Bad breath? I don't know, but do remember, marriage is not

necessarily all it's cracked up to be. It can be good, it can be horrible.
dc

[david13]

30. Sometimes I feel you just have to play your cards the way they

are dealt to you. Don't try to force a thing. If it happens, ok, but if it doesn't, maybe, just maybe you were not meant to be married.
dc

[Archae]

31. Not a damn thing wrong with you.

I turned 50 on the 2nd, and have never been married.

No nasty divorces, no big custody fights, I'm content living with my two cats.

[elocs]

33. The grass is not necessarily greener, but just different grass as we covet what we do not have.

Years ago I remember a story told by a doctor (Phd) with whom I worked. He told of when he and his wife were young and had a couple of little kids how they envied another married couple, friends, who had no children and they were free to travel and do things. Little did they know that this same couple was envious of them and their children because they could have none.

Life is what you make of it and as undesirable being single near 40 may be it does not compare with the hell that being married to the wrong person may be. Add children to that mix and the misery is compounded.

I am 57 and have never been married and I am not motivated to pursue any kind of relationship and have not for years. Being a male in our society as a younger man and even to this day I would face pressure to be in a relationship with a woman in order to somehow prove I am not gay (as Seinfeld would say: not that there's anything wrong with that). Many years ago I reached the point where that made no difference to me because how did being in a relationship with a woman prove anything anyways? My brother had been married for 10 years with 2 kids when his wife announced that she was a lesbian and always had been.

So enjoy life to its fullest being single and if you are happy that way and find a relationship you will bring much more to it. It is possible to be alone and not be lonely. Besides, there are likely to be married people who are jealous of you.

[Maraya1969]

35. I got married at 45 and divorced at 46. One of the things I hated about

not being married is when a man would ask me about it and I said I was never married he would always say something like, "Well did you ever get close?" Like there was something wrong with me because I had never been married.

I think that was one of the motivating factors for me getting married. The other and more important one, and one I probably should have posted before on GD is I wanted health insurance.

They say that you can be on disability and still make $700/month but what they don't say is how you are going to be harassed by the SSD police who will say that you are now well enough to work. I talked to a lawyer about this once and she said that if I worked not to stay at one place longer than 2 months.

Not being able to keep a job because of my mental diagnosis is the reason I got on SSD to begin with. It didn't mean I couldn't get a job, I just couldn't keep a job for any reasonable amount of time.



Anyway.............I've stayed on disability mostly because my medical bills are so high. I get very little from SSD because I did not pay into it that long. My prescriptions cost more than my benefit every month.

So my thought was if I could find a nice enough guy with good insurance I could try and work and not worry about losing my SSD and health benefits.

It turns out that the guy who "found me" was nice enough and I actually fell in love with him, (whatever that means). I liked being married. And I got my teeth fixed and glasses, 2 things that medicare does not cover.

Then long story short his other personality came out and the police had to cart him away.

But the fact that I started asking around for a guy who had good insurance is really pretty sad and it is also a sad commentary about our country.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

36. I'm older than you and have never been married

The reasons are many and varied and include spending my thirties in situations where I just wasn't going to meet anyone.

Online dating has not worked for me. In several years of trying, I made one good friend and met a lot of misfits who are good funny story material.

I'm no longer looking, and my chances of ever marrying diminish as the years go by.

However, I've grown philosophical about it. There are worse fates in life than being unmarried.

One thing that helped my dating life when I was younger (and it's been ages since I met anyone I even wanted to go out with) was having the husband of a friend evaluate me. Only a person of the opposite sex can tell you what vibes you're giving off to the opposite sex.

I have suggested this to countless men who have complained in the Lounge about not getting dates, that they ask a platonic female friend to evaluate them, but I doubt that any of them have followed the suggestion. According to them, it's because all women like creeps, and they couldn't possibly be wrong, you know.

[bikebloke]

37. Came close to it once.

Wisely, I back away from the relationship when she revealed horrible guilt trips after feeling good.:shrug:

I just don't mesh with many american women. With Europeans, we're on teh same frequency. But people you meet travelling (or longer term in each others vicinity while doing kibbutz work) is here today; no tomorrow.

So rather than fretting over some script, I learned to be content with my own company. That way, I don't waste time with people who aren't close to a fit, just because I need to find someone to tie the knot with.

[valerief]

38. Marriage is the gateway drug to divorce. nt

[Lex]

41. I see a lot of miserable married people.

And a lot of happy married people.

Marriage doesn't = happiness or so-called 'normality' that's for certain.

[dysfunctional press]

42. hard to tell without pics.

since we are a society that is way too hung up on appearance.

[Boojatta]

43. Consider the title of this thread from another point of view.

Guy A: "I met a wonderful woman. There's one problem."

Guy B: "What's the problem?"

Guy A: "She's available."

Guy B: "Do you mean that she's single?"

Guy A: "Yes, that's it exactly."

Guy B: "Well, forget about her then. You can't join a club that's willing to accept you as a member. That would be lowering your standards too much."