You know what DU needs right now? Jokes!!

[UrbScotty]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side.

The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

AND FINALLY-...

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

[rug]

1. DU still needs jokes.

[TK421]

2. I got a long one, but it's really good

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

[bigwillq]

9. That's great!

:rofl:

[Initech]

3. Why so serious?

[redqueen]

4. Not worth reading... but here it goes anyway...

I warned you... it's not worth the time.

So this guy looks out his window and sees a coffin moving up towards his house. He freaks out and goes and locks the door, but the coffin just crashes right through it. He then runs into his bedroom, and closes the door behind him, but the coffin crashes right through that door too. He then goes into his bathroom and closes the door, and of course the coffin comes in right behind him, so he opens the medicine chest, and starts throwing things at the coffin... band aids, q-tips, aspirin... finally he threw some cough syrup at it though, and that did stop the coffin.

[Capn Sunshine]

7. That's a variation on my grandfather's favorite joke!

IN San Francisco, morticians are loading a coffin on one of those folding cartsinto a hearse at the top of one of those long hills. Suddenly the lead guys stumbles, and the coffin escapes the grasp of the other attendant and rolls off down the hill. At the first intersection it gets clipped by a car and spins around a little, still going down the hill, faster this time, people are dodging it, flower vendors are flying , and it's really picking up speed. As it enters another intersection CRASH! it's hit by a cable car and goes airborne, flying through the plate glass window of a pharmacy where it slides the length of the store, finally skidding to a stop at the pharmacy counter in back, popping open, causing the corpse to sit up at exactly counter height. The pharmacist had been in the back and runs out up to the counter where he sees the corpse and says , can I help you?

And the corpse says "yeah, can you give me something to stop this coffin?"

:hi:

[UrbScotty]

10. ...

:thumbsup:

[KamaAina]

5. So Defense Secretary Gates was giving the President his daily war briefing...

:P

[HopeHoops]

6. A cop is sitting outside a bar in his car near closing time...

A really wasted guy comes out and starts trying his key in each car parked along the street. The cop figures he's got a sure DUI here. Finally, the guy finds a car that the key fits and he gets in, but he just stays there. Meanwhile, other patrons file out of the bar and drive off. Eventually, the first guy is the only one left. He starts the car and takes off. The cop immediately pulls him over and gives him a field sobriety test. He does pretty well, but the cop decides to use the breathalizer anyway. It reads 0.0. He tries it again and it is still 0.0. The cop is confused. "I watched you come out of the bar and you were drunk as shit. How can you have a 0.0 reading?"

"That's easy," the guy replies. "I was the designated decoy."

[yawnmaster]

8. Groaners, all of them.

this too.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

[mokawanis]

11. When I was born

When I was born the doctor took one look at me and said "that is definitely an ugly baby". My mother took offense at his comment and said "I;d like a second opinion" and the doc responded "ok lady, you're ugly too."

[Digit]

12. There are some real doozies in the Humor Forum

DU Groups
Reading & Writing section

post your best ones there so they can hang around longer

[onestepforward]

13. A corny Christmas Joke:

Mary and Joseph arrive at the inn and were informed by the owner that he had no rooms. "But Sir, my wife is pregnant! We need a room!" The owner said, "Well, that's not my fault!" to which Joseph replied "Well, it's not my fault either!" :)