Rough Draft...Personal Statement/Grad School App.MLS program...Thoughts?

[masmdu]

This is just a quick first draft...incomplete...

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to rewrite/correct/modify/critique any or all of it.

I have to go to work and I'll be back around 6pm to check on your work...best of luck and much appreciated.

................................

I was educated in Greensboro’s public schools and attended Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia where I obtained my B.A. in English and History and a minor in Film. After University I worked in the film industry as an assistant editor for feature films. My duties included the cataloguing of film and sound clips for the head editor. This work was sporadic and I supplemented my income by working at a specialty video store that relied on the employees to actively build a regionally renowned video collection. Pursuing other interest lead me to Japan where I lived and worked for several years. The Japanese Ministry of Education placed me in a junior high school in rural western Japan. While there I learned basic Japanese and met the lady who became my wife. We returned to Greensboro and recently celebrated the birth of our son. I currently work in the After School Enrichment program at Brooks Global Elementary School and hope to pursue a Masters in Library and Information Sciences at UNCG.

Curiosity has always been a strong force in my life. Sparked by the enthusiasm for learning inculcated in me be my parents and various educators throughout my life, I have discovered that pursuing them in depth best nourishes interests. However, when individual enthusiasm and desire for exploration go beyond the realm of guidance of family and teachers I have found exposure to the broad resources of recorded knowledge available through libraries to be indispensable. Without the guidance of librarians these resources would not be navigable. Through collection creation, maintenance, cataloging and guidance librarians serve a crucial role in facilitating discovery in areas of personal and professional development. I hope to become a librarian in order to help others pursue their interest.

....

[lilymidnite]

1. Best of luck

Looks great. Good luck.

Eileen
(MLS - 1985)

[Droopy]

2. You have a minor typo, but

other than that it looks good.

Sparked by the enthusiasm for learning inculcated in me by my parents and various educators throughout my life

[skip fox]

3. Sounds good. I'm an Eng. prof. (not a librarian) but

if I saw this letter (with your prev. experience cataloguing and prev. cultural experience), I'd be fighting for you application.

You might want to show what you would like to focus on: acquisitions, cataloguing, rare books, reference, etc. That would indicate that you had thought about the profession at some length.

My best.

[northzax]

4. Drop the first paragraph

it really doesn't contribute much (I mean it's interesting, but it'sa history, I assume what they want it WHY they should take you, not who you are.) instead focus on what you want to accomplish with your MLS, how you will use it to further your personal goals (might want to skip the part about world domination, but that's just me:) ) Seriously, I worked in the admissions office in undergrad for a while and the boring personal histories are a dime a dozen (your's is more interesting than most, true, but it doesn't explain why you want an MLS) Tell them about the future, and only include pieces of history to demonstrate details of your passion.

in thirteen words: this makes you sound interesting, but it doesn't explain why you want a degree.

you can do better.

please don't take this criticism personally, but let me explain to you that NO ONE CARES about what you've done to the extent that you are writing about it. they care about what you are planning to do.

[skip fox]

5. You make some good points, but

there's a difference between undergrad admissions in the administrative area and graduate admissions from the department's stand point. I think the multitude of cultural diversity (Japan) is always attractive in library science (as it is in bibliography) and his urge to catalog a film collection.

With graduate admissions, beyond the grad school requirements of a certain undergrad GPA and a decent enough GRE score. they don't much care much beyond the awarding of fellowships &c. At the departmental or college level (libary science) they will probably invest the letter with more significance than the administrative branch.


The material about his past might be pruned, but I'd certainly not cut it.

[masmdu]

6. Thank You All!

I appreciate the advice. I'll get to work making it better. App is due by the end of the month.

[Piltdown13]

7. Looks good...

In terms of the first paragraph, you might consider reworking it so that you're giving the reader information that cannot be found in your CV (at least, that's what I was told when I applied to grad school -- be careful not to let your personal statement turn into a prose version of your vita). I'm not sure what they look for in applicants to a master's program, but it might also be a good idea to be a little bit more specific about your goals, either within the program itself or in terms of where their program fits in with your overall life plan, so to speak.

Also, you may be revising this anyway, but a couple more typos:

Pursuing other interest lead me to Japan where I lived and worked for several years.

interest --> interests
lead --> led (you want the past tense, not the metal :-)).

Hope this helps...if you want more concrete guidance, PM me and I'll see if I can dig up my old personal statement.