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Some of the good ones from the first two quarters of 2009:
Missouri Neo Nazis allowed to participate in Adopt a Highway program. The group may need additional help since they have requested to only pick up white trash
Woman arrested for having dead baby in carry-on luggage. Everyone knows that carrion needs to be checked in
Two-year-old refuses to sleep during day, may get charged with resisting a rest
Woman trapped in bathtub for 4 days. "The woman's condition was not available." Submitter's not a doctor, but I'm going to guess "wrinkly"
"Cardinal Mystified by Child Sex Probe"; apparently the directions were missing from the package
Man plays electric guitar so loud that neighbor's fish jumps. It must have been a bass guitar
North Andover Andover Andover man survives SUV rollover
Suicide bomber strikes Iraqi funeral. At least two dead
Man finds ten human teeth in wallet at Walmart. That's just decadent
Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above
Bristol Palin graduates from high school, despite failing Trig
One killed, six injured in pie factory explosion. Blast heard up to 3.14159265 miles away
Police find missing 555-lb teenager by looking in any direction
Kavya Shivashankar wins National Spelling Bee after successfully completing the "Fill In your name" portion of the application
A 15-year-old girl who claimed Home Depot employees rescued her from her kidnapper later revealed the story was a hoax. Police became suspicious when she claimed she was able to find help at Home Depot
Bookshops apologise for including 'The Crimes of Josef Fritzl' in their 'Gifts for Father's Day' displays; Have promised that from now on they'll keep them in best-cellars
Woman has given 25 gallons of blood during period lasting 90 years
Fire rips through homeless camp, leaving dozens...well, no worse off, really
British weigh 'I before E' rule, seize on surfeit of exceptions, deign to let teachers' consciences be sovereign in paying it obeisance
Man at Panda Express eats shoots and leaves
Police find severed head, will later reveal whether it's "linked to body parts found in Hertfordshire." Submitter suspects the answer may be "Not any more"
Man gets called into work so he can be fired, returns home to find his house on fire. Wishes he had been laid off
Man bites off end of own penis. Police found him after receiving an anonymous tip
Puppy eats alphabet magnets, poops next Dan Brown novel
Math teacher dismayed to discover she can't get 17 into 37 more than twice
Truck carrying a load of pigs overturns on interstate, witnesses report multiple cases of swine flew
Stephen Hawking rushed to hospital. Doctors fear he may never walk again
Adolf Hitler's family won't see any money from the sale of his paintings, since their past efforts raised a little furor
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