I have always loved cats, and there were times when it was just me and my kitties scuttling from life to life looking for our feral home. But my husband is on a cusp.
Some time back now; we were at one of several High Holiday Season Parties with friends - the kind that come right round this time - not so 4th of July'eee, but round this time warm-inside-cold-outside with snacking-friends sipping smoking and joking: hubby in their recliner kicking back when we heard a scratch at the door. Along with the High Tea Moment of The Host and his admonition
"It's Smokey, ah shit!! Hey, everybody! It's Smokey! Smokey's really old. He isn't feeling well, he's going blind and he has some bad teeth. He's mean. He's tired. And he doesn't get along with *anyone*. So don't piss him off, k?"
K, already sheesh
But the sound of 'the hook' into the screen-door screen was a tremendous motivator for The Host it would seem, cause up he shot spritely over opening *the big door* with a studied snap standing back doorman-esque as the block of cold then frigid air began to move, filling the living-room very quickly. A truly {so who's training whom?} moment in time when Smokey opened the screen-door for himself and sauntered in: The Vintage Black Cat Alley Warrior, and yeah...
He did look mean and pissy too on top of unkempt twists and spikes of wet, half frozen black fur pointing to every point on the compass; rangy, roamy Black Tom with a snip out of one ear, healed wounds, a recent scratch across one eye, broad shoulders working/locomoting past the well earned demeanors, "Wha'dah you look'n at? Fuck Off!"
The motionless living-room, including hubby; a shared, stunned silence that Smokey played like a dirge on a recently scratched fiddle when hubby made a little giddy-up click; like calling a pony cross a paddock. A further, most frigid silence froze the pole to every tongue as what happened next could only seen,
Smokey stopped. Looked round hubby's feet. Saw him there and stood up on his creaky old haunches hoisting himself onto the foot rest fully extended. So heavy is the old, battled, warrior gato; cause as he came up with the grouchy-old, world-weary trill of a kitteh: Smokey began to collapse the recliner setting hubby up a bit straighter by maybe 3 inches before pausing and working up a balance point then padding his way right up hubby's crotch cross his belly button and onto his chest where Smokey laid down with black paws round hubby's neck and kissed him on the lips. They head butted each other for a while, hubby smiled and winked, Smokey blinked slowly his eyes; turning slowly to away padding his way back the way he came, hopped down with a pained trill and kept sauntering cross the living-room and into the back of the house, interacting with no one else. And, as it turns out, no one had ever seen Smokey do anything like that before.
Which made 1-2hrs of conversation about our extrapolated holistic interactions and relationships in life in the world after which we kissed everyone, hugged the rest and drove home. That's when I asked hubby if he thought what they had said about Smokey being mean was true, and he said yeah - it's true.
So now I had to ask if that was true why did Smokey do what he did? Sure, we were Ho Ho High Holiday Ho Seasons Greetings Tipsy but this, and it still cracks me up: is what he said, and I do have to paraphrase some, but:
'Sweetheart, it will go much easier for the world when the world finally understands that cats are really just extremely complex Illuminati robots. As for proof of this; remove all your clothes in the most private, personally secure room available and stand there. Just stand there. Naked. From the tip of your fontanel, to the souls of your feet. Soon, when the little hairs on your body start to stand up...look around, look above, look behind you, look between your legs. There will be a cat somewhere about already having appraised they now look with measured dismissive-ness and eons old disinterest upon our naked, hapless endeavors'Which I just love, cause we met at a longitudinal gov-based research facility with strict verbatim, proprietary data chains and 'no employee fraternization' policies whatsoever (certainly not smiled upon) as we'd meet and fancy ourselves slipping as Good Illuminati Agents would do into the frigid alcoves just off the ice rutted streets of a free Stalingrad with it's gentler snowflakes falling down then I thought,
"Hahahahahaha! Dude, I love you. But I'm *already sleeping* with Tim in the nude"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIGPaeJXQOU&feature=PlayList&p=4F90B2E53C39F7D1&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3