Anyone else having a lousy xmas eve?

[yourguide]

Just got into a brawler with my boyfriend and he stormed out.

What the plan was: hunker down, have egg nog, watch "it's a wonderful life"

What happened? Fighting about beer, actually more specifically fighting about money as he hasn't worked in almost three.fucking.years. and we're on a budget. I give him an allowance every week, he blows it on beer and smokes. This past week he got his usual cash on Friday and had blown threw it by Tuesday. Good news is he promised to quit smoking the day after xmas, bad news is he wanted to drink and smoke like a mad man until then.

I fronted him some cash for beer yesterday with the caveat that he could either have it yesterday or today if he wanted some beers on xmas eve. He chose yesterday, of course drank all of his beer yesterday and came looking for his friday cash tonight. Part of why he needs to quit smoking (aside from his health) is I need to get our budget under control and cigs are $10 a pack in NY. So the agreement was he stops smoking Friday and he also gets less money on Fridays. I told him fine go get cash and beer, but reminded him to take out less money and he scampered off to the ATM with my debit card (it's cold out and I didn't want to go).

Of course he pulled out the full amount rather than the reduced amount which will put my bank account into overdraft status. So we fought, he stormed out, with my debit card, abandoning me on christmas fucking eve.

He lives with me, I pay his fucking rent, bills, etc waiting for him to get his ass back on his feet and *this* is the thanks I get.

Sorry ya'll, I just needed to let it out. I didn't want to call my friends and spoil their christmas eve.

Rant over.

[kid a]

1. real sorry to hear that! do you have someone else to go chill and be happy with?

oh...can you give the dude an ultimatum, then hit the road if he doesn't get with it?

Merry Christmas

[yourguide]

5. No family where I am...

and I don't want to crash my friend's xmas eve's with their families.

it's def ultimatum time, the problem is...what happens at the end of the ultimatum? I can't just throw his ass out on the street. He literally has no money.

Thanks for writing back, I am just so fucking annoyed right now.

Merry Christmas to you too!

[kid a]

17. hunker down, turn on the movie anyway, check your PM =)

[bigwillq]

2. Time to kick him out.

He's using you. Sorry about this. :hug:

[kid a]

4. +1

[yourguide]

7. Yeah, this is really sucking...

the problem is, where the hell is he going to go? Because he's had minimal cash he hasn't really been out with friends so I don't know that he really has anyone he can stay with. He's got one sister in the southwest but how the hell is he even going to get there with no cash.

I'm a liberal, I can't just dump anyone out on the street lol!

[bigwillq]

8. It's not your problem.

Time for him to man up.

[yourguide]

11. I don't have it in me to kick anyone out on the street.

Honestly.

I gotta come up with a better solution, maybe I should call his sister and see if she'll take him in for a while.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

10. If you don't kick him out he'll keep using you.

He has no incentive to shape up if you continue to tolerate his behavior. Give him enough for a one-way bus ticket to his sister's, and kick him out.

[yourguide]

13. Yeah, I think that's what it's going to have to be.

I just can't believe this. Really? On Christmas eve?

Sigh.

I'll have to call his sister tomorrow or saturday.

[rebel with a cause]

39. That is what I did to my ex husband and

he was a good worker when he could get a job (due to economic times not his fault). Things just got so bad between us that I had it and I called his sister, bought him a ticket and put him on a bus. It was hard to do but I have never regretted it. My life didn't get much better but it had a lot less drama/fighting in it.

[GreenPartyVoter]

49. LOL I guess I shoulda read your post before I put up mine. Anyway, +1000

[GreenPartyVoter]

48. Buy him a bus ticket, give him $20 cash, and send him to his sister.

[Haole Girl]

28. I agree

Maybe he'll grow up if he has to support himself.

[emilyg]

38. +2

[CharmCity]

3. So sorry!!!

I have been there. It sucks.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. Sounds to me like you need to unload this guy, ASAP.

No job, sponges off you, spends your money on beer and cigarettes. Any reason why you shouldn't kick his sorry drunk ass to the curb?

[yourguide]

9. Oh the usual...

I love him, he professes to love me, and he does make an effort around the house to make up for not having a job.

But walking out on christmas eve??? That is an epic fucking fail. That's like loser fail.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

12. You said it. Epic fucking loser fail.

I'm sure you can do better.

[yourguide]

14. Yeah, I think I can.

Thanks for talking to me. I've just been sitting here alone in my apartment completely stunned.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

15. Cheer up -- you CAN do better.

Nobody deserves a drunk freeloading loser. It sucks for this sort of thing to happen on a holiday, but it would suck anyway.

But still -- Merry Christmas. It will get better.

Oh, yeah... cancel your debit card.

[yourguide]

16. Thank you!

Merry Christmas to you too!

[havocmom]

18. report your debit card stolen NOW

and change the locks.

He has struck out.

Sorry about the timing, know it sucks during the holidays, but you are better off getting rid of this user.

[Brickbat]

19. Well, hell.

I can't tell you anything you already know -- he's not going to change, you have to give him an ultimatum and mean it and then act on it (because you will have to, you know that), and you're going to have to unload his ass because he's bringing you right down. There's no good time to come to that realization, but Christmas Eve is one of the top sucky ones, I agree. Drink the beer, watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on your own, and think about where you could be a year from now if you weren't subsidizing this man's life. Try to see it as a new beginning.

Easy for me, a stranger on the internet, to say. But you have my sympathy and a sisterly midwestern arm-pat.

[yourguide]

23. Great advice...thank you.

seriously...I don't even like beer btw.

[Brickbat]

24. All the more reason to show his ass the door.

I never had a good relationship with someone whose drinks I didn't like.

[yourguide]

27. We both love vodka...

just can't afford it while I'm also paying his half of the rent, bills, etc.

;-)

[Ghost in the Machine]

37. After 3 years, he's a "kept man"... no wonder he won't go get a job..

Why should he? You're doing great at keeping him in a nice lifestyle: he has a roof over his head, clothes to wear, food to eat, beer to drink, cigs to smoke and cash in his pocket.... and he gets some lovin'!

I know two guys just like this, and I don't know how they can live with themselves and/or call themselves "men".

For him to treat you that way, after all you do for and give him, he's shown how low he really is. I'm sorry you're going through something like this. Guys like that make me ashamed for my gender...


:hug:


Peace,

Ghost

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

44. Very true. Yes, the economy is bad and jobs are scarce, but three years?

Three years without even a shitty part-time job to help, even a little, with expenses? Even in this economy there's no excuse for that. It's pure sloth.

[Kali]

20. as Dan Savage would say

DTMFA

he is a leech, he will find another victim

[DainBramaged]

21. Your life is what you make of it......

and there are limits as to how fucked up you want your life to be. I hope soon you reach your limit.......

[yourguide]

22. amen to that.

[Lex]

33. so true

[kimi]

25. Ah, I'm sorry it's such a rough time for you now

Kinda been there and done that with a loser boyfriend before. There will never be the perfect time for this to happen. But really, you deserve so much better. When we get into the pattern of taking care of them, worrying about them, subsidizing them, putting them on allowances which aren't respected, and yet the drink and smokes are what their priorities are - it's likely never going to have a happy ending. I'm sorry, it's the biggest worst time for this to happen to you, but HE's done it, you've gone above and beyond.

I hope it gets better for you this season. Take care.

[yourguide]

26. Yes...thank you

Thanks so much for the advice and sounding board and you're right.

Yeah, it's a shitty night for this to happen but any night is going to be shitty.

Thanks and happy holidays.

[elleng]

29. Yes. I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow.

[yourguide]

32. hugs to you!

[velvet]

30. ah yes

I've never paid anyone an allowance - mercy! is the man a child? - but I once got fed up with being the Sensible One year-in-year-out. After the initial shock and some sorrow on both sides it turned out amicable. He had friends, he managed. We meet now and then, I call him my favourite ex, feckless but sweet.

But every couple is different. I hope you find an effective way to play this. All the best.

[rebel with a cause]

40. My ex was the bread winner and I had him on an allowence.

:rofl: Got tired of the money being gambled away and me and the kids having to do without. Well, in fact it began when my daughter was a toddler and he was giving me a dollar a day for her and me to eat on. (we bought groceries for the evening meal that he came home to eat.) He didn't want me working and I had no one to leave my daughter with in the city so I was completely dependent on him.

I was totally under his thumb. One week I found out he was eating lunch in a restaurant every day (in NYC) and had also lost $40 in just one bet on the numbers. I had been sick for months due to depression and anxiety, but that day the sun broke through the clouds and I told him that he either handed over his check to me so I could handle the expenses and he went on a reasonable allowance or I was gone. The best decision I made during our marriage except I probably should have just packed up and left then. That would have saved me sixteen more years of misery. Oh well, baby steps.

[velvet]

42. oh hell

Rough times. :hug: Kids weren't in our equation, which made it a lot simpler than your situation.

[Robeson]

31. No, we don't do Christmas. But it sure sounds like you're having...

...a lousy one. My condolences... :hug:

[Redstone]

34. Do you see what's wrong with that picture?

Redstone

[grasswire]

35. this situation isn't good for him, either, girl

It's totally demeaning for him to be bumming off you. So the sooner he's off charity with you, the more quickly he can build some kind of a life again.

Anyone unemployed and without resources but with family outside of NYC ought to leave the city town to stay with family elsewhere for now. Staying is nuts.

Do what you have to do, kindly but firmly. It's best for him.

[rebel with a cause]

41. It's called tough love.

She just needs to use it.

[Zavulon]

36. I just posted on this very topic. My evening sucked.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x9182887#9184493

It's a good thing I don't give a flying fuck about the holidays. Admittedly, your night was worse than mine because I'm used to the shit I took, but I've taken similar shit from her parents several times a year for about a decade now.

Still, I sympathize with you a lot, and wouldn't want to trade places (I hate my girlfriend's parents, but love her and we're still together) - and I strongly advise you to evict the bum.

I hope your Christmas Day is much better (and free of reconciliation with this guy).

[Joe the Liberal]

43. Leaving him now may very well save you years of misery......

I understand you don't want to just throw him out on the street but if you don't get out of this relationship quick you will most likely regret it. My dad is a smoker and a drinker and he gave my mother nothing but years of hell and misery. He (my dad) was the abusive type though and was utterly hopeless, I'm assuming your BF isn't as bad. Nevertheless you can do better and you will probably be doing him a favor by leaving him as it may just give him the motivation to find a job. It sounds like it would be best for you to just part ways with him, he seems to be just a burden on you.

[Ikonoklast]

45. Answer yourself truthfully.

Do you see any improvements to his behavior coming in the next month?

Next year?

Next ten years?


Time to make the decision, and save yourself.

[debbierlus]

46. A New Year is coming...may be time to make a fresh and healthy start!

From someone who has lived that story...

Take care of yourself and I hope the rest of the holiday season is better for you!

[Locrian]

47. life is too short

You dont need this - life is too short, and 10 years can blow by like this if you dont make a decision. Now.

He's an embarrassment to my gender. I know times are tough, but he sounds like he doesnt give a damn about even trying. There really are better guys out there - but you wont find them stuck where you are.

It wont be easy - will likely be tougher before it gets better - but that is the only way it WILL get better.

[LiberalEsto]

50. Sounds like he gave you a great Xmas present

by leaving.

Now change the locks and start enjoying yourself. He ain't worth it.

[mnhtnbb]

51. Damn, your boyfriend should meet my son. See my post

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=9184685&mesg_id=9184711

I'm sorry your boyfriend chose Christmas eve to abandon you, but there is some very good advice
in many of the responses to your OP. It might be time to let go.

[helderheid]

52. I agree with all the advice given here. Let us know if you need another sounding board!