Am I out of line here?

[alarimer]

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together. So far so good. The holidays have been a little weird. We spent Thanksgiving at his mom's (this was actually just before we moved) and we each brought some food. It was fine. Then we spent Christmas with his son in Dallas. Also okay (except for the horribly treacherous driving conditions on Christmas eve- it took us 3 hours to go 40 mile because they had not salted all the overpasses). But for New Years I had thought we were going to spend it alone together. I have to work New Years Eve day and so does he. In our discussions about holiday plans I agreed to forgo going to my parents this year (he was invited as well of course but the plane tickets were just hideously expensive) with the understanding that we would spend New Years alone.

But then at some point it became clear that he had already made plans for us to spend New Years with his mom. Now, I am someone that usually acquiesces to almost everything, whether I really want to or not, but this time I finally said that I thought we were going to spend it alone. I feel like a heel for simply (mildly) saying that I was disappointed. Am I out of line for being tired of spending so much time with his family when there was never any serious discussion of spending any time with mine (mostly because they all live so far from here).

I rarely stand up for myself and yet I feel like a heel when I do. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is a nice guy and would never make me do something I didn't really want to do but I have a very hard time telling him when I do not want to do something or when I need something from him, however minor that might be. He also has a hard time saying no to his family, especially his mom.

[Heidi]

1. You could look at it as purchasing time with your own family or alone

together next birthday or significant holiday. But you've gotta be clear about it NOW if you wanna do this. You shouldn't feel like a heel for making your own interests known, EVER. Otherwise, you stand a very good chance of becoming a door mat. If you make this advance purchase, your boyfriend will have to say "No" to his mom next significant holiday, and whether he does will tell you quite a lot about how he's likely to choose a year, five years, six years out.

Good luck, alarimer! :hug:

[alarimer]

3. I think he may have changed the plans already.

I really don't want to hurt his mom's feelings though.

I do think this is pretty good advise and I will do it.

[latebloomer]

2. Are you talking about New Year's Eve or Day?

I look at New Year's Eve as a social or romantic occasion, and not particularly a family night. New Year's Day could be whatever you want to make of it. But, in either case, the main problem I see here is that your S/O made the commitment to his mother without consulting with you. You should probably make it clear to him that you would appreciate that he ask you before making that kind of promise.

As you said, you both have a problem with saying no, and that could lead to a lot of resentment which will emerge in the future. Sound like a good area for both of you to work on. It's really important that you learn how to assert what you want and need.There's also a possibility that he may be overly attached to his mother. If it's New Year's Eve and you recently got together, why would he want his mother to be a part of your evening? Could be a harbinger of trouble.

[alarimer]

4. New Years Eve.

Well we spent last year with her too. But my main objection has to do with this year. We spent every major holiday with members of his family. I am also worried that he may be too attached as well. He has made some noises that he wants her to move with us when (if) we move if I find another job. I have to put my foot down about her actually living with us, though. That is a nonstarter. If it's a dealbreaker for him, so be it. But that has not happened yet and certainly will not for a while. It may not even happen at all. So I can't waste my time worrying about it for the moment.

[noamnety]

5. Usually, if someone asks if they are out of line, they are.

I started reading this post with that prejudgment in mind. But I have to say - you aren't.

I have a similar situation here - the inlaws are nearby, my relatives aren't. EVERY holiday is with the inlaws. And when I saw every holiday, that means the major holidays, everyone's birthday, mothers day, fathers day, memorial day, etc. There's nothing exactly wrong with the inlaws, but it's not like I actually enjoy spending time with them. I've become resigned to the fact that I will never enjoy another holiday, ever again. That's sort of overwhelming at times.

This year, they planned for us to drive 2 hours round trip on Christmas eve to be with them, then 3 hours driving on Christmas day, and 2 hours again the day after Christmas for one of their birthdays. 3 days in a row, cooped up with the same 10 people, driving multiple hours each day to do it. Fortunately the husband told them we'd be going out for Christmas day only, but we feel like jerks for just doing the one day.

It's reasonable to set some limits. What I think would be crossing the line is telling him what he has to do, but it's certainly fair game to decide for yourself what you are going to do. I'd tell him you'll spend certain holidays with his family and you need certain other holidays at home so the two of you can establish your own traditions and bring some of each of you to the holiday. I wouldn't guilt him into staying home with you. I would hope he'd want to, especially on New Years, but if he wants to spend those times with his family, that's his choice to make.

Anyway, good luck. I feel for you.

[alarimer]

8. As it turned out, she had other plans as well.

So it worked out.

[TheKentuckian]

6. I suggest shaming him with the lameness of hanging with moms on New Years

You might offer further enticements to sweeten the pot.

[rcrush]

11. +1

Havent hung out at parents house on New Years Eve since I was like 10.

[datasuspect]

12. i hung out with my best friend's mom on a friday in baytown, tx one afternoon

whilst popping xanax and drinking cheap lambrusco.

she was a dirty old gal.

[rcrush]

15. Can I hang out with you on New Years Eve?

[mnhtnbb]

7. Sounds like your boyfriend might have problems saying "no" to mama. Big red flag. Big.

It's easier to start off establishing your own traditions than trying to change them, once entrenched.

It might be time for a discussion of what YOU would like for the two of you to do as a couple.

[datasuspect]

10. blood relations always come first before a shack up

i imagine a wife might be different, because of the marriage thing, but girlfriends? dime a dozen. i've had two or three girlfriends at one time - routinely, when i used to date. if i sat there and worried about whatever it was they were yammering about, i'd go nuts.

but in my world, whatever i say goes, so that streamlines many things. keeps me single, but i'm getting too old to listen to anyone's shit anyway.

[goldcanyonaz]

9. Are you going to marry this man? If not, say NO.

[crim son]

13. Glad it worked out for you but

if you didn't offer up any alternatives then it isn't surprising he chose to do what it seems like he has always done. I had a similar situation with my ex and it really wore on me after a while, but I did finally bring the matter up (causing huge friction, naturally). In my world New Year's Eve was often a family holiday, BTW.

[TheCentepedeShoes]

14. Do not do Dallas

In WinterSpringSummerFall
Esp the I 635
Go south thru Archer City and see if The Bookstore is still open

[EFerrari]

16. If you just moved in together. all your boundaries are sort of

resetting themselves. That's just normal, afaik. If he makes you do her laundry, THEN you have a problem. :)

[alarimer]

17. Yes it has been a bit of a transition.

Better than I thought or feared it might be, actually.

[EFerrari]

18. Best of luck to you two.