A victory lane speech you will NEVER see

[jmowreader]

It's 5:45pm on a sunny Southern Sunday afternoon, and Victory Lane is packed with the fans and teammates of Joe Smith, driver of the Number 68 Ranch Style Beans Chevrolet. Joe swings his bruised chariot onto the checkered path leading to the exalted circle of honor, and runs out of gas fifty feet before his parking spot. His over-the-wall crew quickly pushes him into place.

Joe opens his window net and crawls out of his car to the cheers of the appreciative crowd. His pretty wife hands him a towel and a bottle of water, An announcer shoves a microphone in Joe's face.

"Tell me, Joe, what are your impressions on this stunning victory, in which you won the race because you were the only one left on the track at Lap 192 and NASCAR called the race on account of lack of competition?"

'First, I'd like to thank the fans. NASCAR fans are the greatest in the world and we can't thank them often enough.

'And second, I have to thank my darling wife Julie. She stood by me for all these years even though I suck as a race car driver because she knew I'd get that first win someday. Well Julie--here we are!

'I also have to thank Ranch Hand Beans. Greatest beans in the world. Everyone should eat them. I'm not really sure which company makes them anymore, but they're damn fine people and they've always treated me right.

'And let's have a shout-out to the fans at the last race for throwing your empty beer cans on the ground in the bleachers instead of putting them in recycling bins where they belong. The only way we were able to afford to come to this race was by going up in the stands after y'all had left and picking the cans up before the track maintenance crew could get to them. So, this one's for you. Now stop doing that shit.

'I'm also going to thank the Henry Company, who makes the pavement sealer they use here. If your product would have dried properly up in Turn Three maybe the Number 14 wouldn't have skidded into the wall and taken out the 9, 11 and 17 while his demolished car slid down the banking. But, y'know, shit happens.

'And how about those Goodyear tires? The 25, 29 and 31 all went to the garage because the tires you brought to this race were so hideously bad the tread came off, wrapped itself around the brake rotors and ran them into the inside wall. I guess it was just luck that we blew up on lap 3 two races ago and we had ten sets of good tires to get us through this race.

'And finally, I'd like to thank Jesus for a good day. But no one ever thanks Him enough, so I think it's time to do that now--especially since you already talked to the second place finisher after they towed his car back in and the third place finisher was medevac'd out of here fifteen minutes ago.

'Lord, I would like to thank You for a wonderful day. A great day. A day no one ever believed was going to happen. My momma called me up just last night. She said, "Joe, you are never going to amount to anything as a racer. Why don't you get a good job at a Walmart or something?" I told momma that one day it was going to be my day. Well, today was my day.

'I want to thank You for blowing the 24's engine on lap seven. Those Hendrick engines are tough, Lord, damn tough. I don't know how you managed to put a rod through the side of Jeff Gordon's block, but you surely did and I am grateful.

'I want to thank You for guiding me past the nine-car pileup on Lap 38. Lord, when I drove past all those tore-up cars I looked up into the sky and immediately thought, "thank You Jesus, I'm gonna be in the Top 30."

'I also want to thank You for teaching those fifteen heretical sinners a lesson they won't soon forget on Lap 95. Now Jesus, I know you were only trying to catch my attention but you got a little close with that engine block sliding down the banking.

'And I can't neglect to be eternally grateful for You showing the world the only three true believers on the track today when you wiped out the rest of the field on Lap 145. I saw six helicopters roar off right after that happened, so I hope you protected their lives as you were helping me to win.

'And finally, Lord, I'd like to thank you for letting the 2 car drive into the 1 car on Lap 191 and giving me the greatest present I've ever received.

'Lord, bless these great fans as they drive home tonight.

'And to the track crew, my team owner has a soecial message: We notice the fans buried the track a foot deep in thrown beer cans. Could you leave them there for us to pick up? We need the money to get to the next race.'