Cracked: "Complaints to Domino’s That They Didn’t Put in Their Ad"

[Amerigo Vespucci]

Complaints to Domino’s That They Didn’t Put in Their Ad

http://www.cracked.com/blog/complaints-to-dominos-that-they-didnt-put-in-their-ad/

Domino’s Pizza has recently unveiled a bold new ad campaign to spread word of their new and improved pizza recipe. In the ads, letters and Tweets from Domino’s customers that criticize the company’s pizza are read aloud. If you’ve ever battled your way through a Domino’s pizza you can probably guess the direction these criticisms went. Terms like “cardboard” and “ketchup” and “cascading torrents of bile” feature prominently.

As it happens, I too have been writing letters to Domino’s over the years, the timing of said letters tightly corresponding with occasions I consume Domino’s Pizza. A healthy sense of self-importance has caused me to save all my correspondence - originally this was for the benefit of future scholars, but in recent years I’ve also decided it will be useful in case mankind ever needs to prove our civilization’s cultural worth on the floor of some kind of alien tribunal.

Hello Domino’s,

My friend and I ordered a pepperoni classic today and when it arrived we found it to be incredibly chewy. He said it was because your dough isn’t kneaded enough, but I suggested it was because the pizza was made entirely out of condoms. Can you settle that bet for us?

Chris Bucholz

______

Hey Domino’s,

Here’s a thought: How about using ingredients which impart flavor? Like basil? Or salt? Jesus Christ, people. Making a crust entirely out of flour and children’s tears is commendable for its economy, but I think you might be missing pizza’s whole raison d’être: It is for being tasty.

Chris Bucholz

______

Dear Domino’s,

Your pizza tastes like the bottom of a hamster cage, if that hamster’s girlfriend had left him and he’d gotten kind of sloppy about taking care of himself.

Chris Bucholz

_________

Domino’s,

Your pizza tastes like a fart made it with a pulp mill.

Chris Bucholz

______

Dear Domino’s

That’s it. I’ve had enough of this post-pizza rolling on the floor holding my ass. I will run you over. I will find out who is reading this letter (You are. It’s you.) and I will run you over with a car. Don’t think I’m serious? I AM WRITING THIS IN MY CAR. That is how not fucking around right now I am. I am writing this on my steering wheel and it is honking every time I write a letter and now the police are coming and I will have to cut this short.

OK, they’re gone.

Die-HONK-Die-Die-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-Die-Die-Die

Chris Bucholz

[Arugula Latte]

1. OMG ...

:spray:

[PVnRT]

2. "I'm tired of rolling on the floor holding my ass"

[Deep13]

3. Dear Dominoes, While I applaud your commitment to safety...

...I don't really think it is necessary for a pizza to be able to stop a bullet.

[MiddleFingerMom]

4. Yum!!!!!

.
Your pizza tastes like the bottom of a hamster cage, if that hamster’s girlfriend
had left him and he’d gotten kind of sloppy about taking care of himself.
.
That actually sounds pretty good.
.
No anchovies, though.
.

.

[blueamy66]

5. OMG.

I cannot stop laughing.