My boyfriend wants to quit his job.

[alarimer]

In fact I think he is going to. He hates it, I can't really blame him but it makes me angry. In addition, he expects me to quit my job when and if he finds a position in another city. I simply cannot do that. I NEED my job; I need the insurance most of all. I cannot move before I find something else. He does not understand that at all. He doesn't have to worry about insurance; he is retired military. He also has money coming in. He also has the kind of job (librarian) that he can do literally anywhere. I am a marine biologist (well I am a technician actually)- I am really limited in where I can move to. Not to mention there just aren't many jobs out there for me. I cannot make him understand my position here. He keeps looking (and finding) for openings in shitty fucking little towns, away from the coast, where I cannot possibly find work in my field.

[HopeHoops]

1. A relationship is a two-way commitment. Remember that.

If your needs aren't being considered, put yourself first.

[lunatica]

2. There are only two fundamental choices when making your decisions

You either make a decision based on what you want or you make a decision based on what's best.

Your boyfriend doesn't seem to have a problem with being totally selfish and self centered does he? It seems to me he's already made his choice and it's all about what he wants.

[alarimer]

4. I don't really know what is best here.

I told him when we started dating that I was looking for work elsewhere. He knew about that and seemed okay with it. I am not asking or expecting him to follow me before he has something else lined up, although it might be easier for him to do that than it is for me.

But then again I am not the kind of person that feels comfortable just packing up and leaving, as if I had no cares in the world. That is inconceivable to me. It isn't to him but I cannot convey how uneasy it makes me. Now maybe my fears are not justified or maybe they are. Only time will tell.

[lunatica]

5. He's obviously not bothered about what you feel or need or want

Why doesn't he stay where you can keep your job if he can find one easily? He wants you to make a sacrifice just so he can do what he wants, not what both of you need. Your relationship seems to be skewered towards what he wants only. Do you think that's the kind of relationship that's best for you? Shouldn't there be mutual agreement on major changes?

If he isn't taking your job requirement of being on the coast seriously what does he take seriously about your needs?

[Haole Girl]

3. Follow your heart.

Be true to yourself.

He doesn't sound like he's very understanding, from what you've written here.

Things would only get worse in the long term, I'm afraid, if he starts out that way. :-(

[alarimer]

6. Normally he is understanding

He certainly says the right things. I thought he meant them.

[Haole Girl]

8. Just promise me you won't do anything impulsive...

that you might regret later.

I know a Marine Biologist; and I know how difficult it is to find work in your field. :hug:

[JVS]

7. Are you guys considering marriage? Would that get you covered by his military insurance?

[alarimer]

9. We've talked about it.

I don't personally need a piece of paper to prove anything. But I certainly am not going to do it just for insurance. Then I WILL really be trapped in a shitty town with no future and no job. I see my parents stuck in a crappy marriage and I do not want that. It's much easier to break up if we are not married. If we stay unmarried then I will at least theoretically be free to leave if I can't find any work.

I have philosophical objections to marriage even if I thought it was the right time to do that.

[Taitertots]

10. How bad can being a librarian be?

I'd like to know what part of being a librarian could be the bad part.

Dump him, get me his job, and find a man who will actually take you into consideration.

Two people can't be together when their life goals are too different. He wants to be a librarian in a tiny landlocked shithole, and you need to be a biologist in a big city near the ocean.

[ldr65]

11. Sounds like You need to boot him to the curb.

How old is he? Sounds like he is going through a mid-life crisis.

[DFW]

12. Way back when when my (then-)girlfriend and I were discussing our future...

She said to me look, I intend to finish my education (we were 22), and I cannot leave my
country as long as my disabled father is alive. I got recruited for my job, asked if I could
take extra time off to visit my (then-)girlfriend in her country. My immediate superior, who
is no idiot, said, OK, but try to establish some professional contacts over there while you're
there. If it pans out, and you show you can make yourself useful, I can justify the expenses and
send you over there more often. A few years later, I got stationed over in her country. A few
years after that, my enlightened superior was best man at our wedding, and I'm now station chief
for Europe, and my top guy runs the place.

My wife couldn't move her life, so I moved my work, and to another continent at that. She
was worth it then. She still is.

If a relationship is worth turning the world upside down for, then you turn the world upside down.
You can't do it just by snapping your fingers, but it sure was worth the effort for me. Not all
will see it that way, or have that option, I realize, but I didn't have that option in the
beginning, either. I had to make it up out of thin air.