The hardest part about having a severe mental illness.....

[Tobin S.]

.....after surviving long enough to get proper treatment, is knowing that it will be with you for life.

I was sitting here today thinking about some progress I've made lately in regards to insight into my psyche, mainly understanding and dealing with anger, and I got to wondering....I wonder if I'm cured? I wonder if I can stop taking this expensive medication? I felt good, like I might have discovered the cause to my illness and it wasn't a biochemical problem after all.

So I sat here and watched the clock tick by the time for my next dose. I went over to the dating website and started thinking about how great it would be if I didn't have to worry about disclosing this illness to a potential mate as I sat there and looked through the profiles. I let an hour go by past my medication time.

I thought that I would try an experiment. I got a little plastic container out of a kitchen cabinet and put a day's worth of medication in it. I would stop taking the medication, but I would carry around the two doses just in case I wasn't really cured. I checked a couple of medical websites about withdrawal from the medication that I take so I would know what to expect. Two hours had now gone by past my medication time.

Then I started reading about the possibility of remission and reality sank in. There is nothing I can think that can make this illness go away. There are no mysteries in my psyche that I can uncover to make it go away. It's a brain disease that's biological in nature. The medication I take alters the chemicals in my brain to make it function like a normal person's.

I should be happy that I'm able to function at the level that I do. I lead a normal life aside from being 37 and never having been in a long term relationship. I live independently. I have good credit. I own my own home. Everyone I know thinks I'm normal. People trust me. I work full time as a trucker and I'm planning for retirement. Everything about me appears sane except for those little blue and white pills sitting on my kitchen counter...one of which I just took.

[OhioChick]

1. .....

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

3. Thanks. I needed that.

:hug:

[1gobluedem]

2. Well, that's it exactly, it IS a biological illness

Just like high cholesterol, hypertension, arthritis or anything else that requires daily medication. Except for the stigma ill-informed, poorly educated, narrow minded people attach to mental illness. Unfortunately, no one has perfected a pill to cure stupid. And I'm sorry if people judge you by your mental illness; it's not fair.

My SO has malignant hypertension and had to take medication every day. And I have to battle with him constantly because he will stop taking it when he feels good. It doesn't work that way any more than your medical situation does.

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. Ah, my dear Tobin...

Be well, sweetie...

Do whatever it takes.

Always.

Because we love you, and want you to be here with us.

:hug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

5. Dang. You're doing well if you haven't lost everything as a result.

I'm dual diagnosis and am in a homeless program, shunned from my long-time career of music/music technology, and pretty much bereft.

The people who were extremely offended at my pre-diagnosis/treatment behaviour have zero interest in understanding that a physical illness, now treated, is mostly at fault. Some have simply had fun at my expense (extreme over-reaction on the internet, etc.).

Sigh. Count your blessings; you have many. Peace.

Edit to correctly use the word "bereft".

[hunter]

6. I hate my meds.

They are expensive, they have some unpleasant side effects, and it's just plain irritating that I always have to have them with me. The wonderful people at the pharmacy know me so well they don't even have to ask me my name, and that bothers me a little.

I can make those same arguments to myself that you do -- that I've ascertained what's wrong with my way of thinking and the way I approach life and that I've fixed myself so I don't need my meds anymore. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

But if I don't take my meds I become impossible for anyone to live with, and one of the first thing that fades away is my own comprehension that I'm becoming impossible to live with.

It is so damned weird. I can see what's wrong with me when I take the meds, but I can't when I don't. Meds or not I always exist in a place where my actions and my thoughts and my emotions make good sense to me even if they are not making any sense at all to people around me.

So, no experiments for me, not unless I've got professionals, friends, and family around to read the results, because I can't, and I've learned that the hard way.

:hi:

[BlueIris]

7. Sanity is important.

I love medication.

[old mark]

8. TS: I'm diabetic, and I feel the same way. I never had to take meds for anything

till my 50's, now I have to stick myself with needles.

But I am still here to complain about it.

I have a lot of respect you from what little I know about your struggle - you are a survivor.

FWIW, what you are experiencing happens to many people in your situation. Please mention it to your Dr.

Mark:fistbump:

[GreenPartyVoter]

9. Stay on the meds. An episode is not worth it, and it will happen eventually if you go off the meds.

:hug:

[kimmerspixelated]

10. There was a PBS show about healthy minds.

The doctor/author was supporting the idea that nutrition has a tremendous effect on brain health and certain foods and supplements can reverse this. You might want to look into it.

[abq e streeter]

11. If everyone "thinks you're normal", maybe it's because you are.

1gobluedem expressed pretty much I was going to, but just to reiterate, you have a physiological disease like so many other people do. You take medication to counteract its effects. You're doing better than a shitload of people, man...A decent steady job, your own home, good credit, trusted by people who know you, and admired by complete strangers on DU such as myself, who've read your always thoughtful and intelligent posts, and who are blown away and inspired by everything from your impressive weight loss to your overcoming the illnesses or illness, that you have. Not sugarcoating or kissing your ass; I know it's a struggle. BELIEVE ME, I know. I'm hanging on to my sanity by the skin of my teeth these days and my counselor is practically imploring me to go back on anti-depressants. I may very well do just that...I don't know yet...And as far as the 37 and no long term relationship, I've had semi long terms I guess ( a couple of years a couple of times, but at 58 , that's all). If someone isn't interested in you because of what you've overcome, including through medication, would you really want her? My guess is HELL NO. There may not be many out there, but somewhere along the line, it's entirely possible that you'll meet someone who is blown away by the things you've overcome, and see that as evidence of a man of strength and character, and will fall for you more, not less, because of that knowledge. Not naive enough here to say, don't worry, it'll happen eventually. No guarantees obviously. I find it harder and harder to keep my faith up that I'll meet someone especially at my age, with all the demons I've been fighting all these years but I will not shrink from being honest about all that once I get to know somebody, IF that ever happens again for me. You got 20 years on me, and sounds like life has , in general, just getting better for you. Keep doing what you have to to stay well. Sorry about the rambling; those who've read stuff by me here know I'm prone to that. I hope at least some of this made sense. ( 50-50 is about all I ever hope for in that dept. these days).........your on-line bud, abq e streeter

[elocs]

12. Absolutely keep taking your meds. The right meds will save your life.

From what I have read about mental illness, it should improve with age.

My goddaughter is 18 and she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. In 2009 she was hospitalized 13 different times at 7 different hospitals. In October she recognized on her own that she needed to take her meds because she was schizophrenic. She is now in a group home and it is one day, one week at a time. She is nearly 20 years behind you and by the time she is your age I hope she is doing as well as you describe yourself as doing.

Your life may not be perfect (whose is?) but it sounds good. Don't fret about not having been in a long term relationship, just be the best you can be for you. Hey, I'm 57 and I've never had a long term relationship either.

[Tobin S.]

13. THANKS EVERYONE!

I read all of your replies here and I really appreciate all of the kind words. You are good people. :pals: