Having a bad day, hoping I don't get fired.

[Evoman]

Some of you may remember (or not), that I got a new job about 4 months ago. Not too long after, I developed a pretty deep depression. I'll be frank...my boss isn't the nicest person in the world, she gets frustrated easily, and she has a tendency to take her frustrations out at me. But since I've been on antidepressants, things have been getting better for me. I was feeling a lot better, and work was getting smoother. Then after the holidays, I had a really bad spell....on short notice, I took three days off of work using vacation days. My boss was pretty pissed, but she went ahead and let me take the time off. Went to a different doctor and she told me my dose was really small, and that if I'm feeling bad, I should increase my does.

So I started to feel a lot better. Again, things got better. Until last weekend. On Sunday, I started to feel quite mentally bad. Yesterday, I started crying for no reason (and you have to understand, I've cried about 3 times in the past 10 years so it's unusual). To add to it, my boss has been very critical of me this week, and told me I was disorganized and unreliable. I kept going in to work, because my boss isn't very understanding about missing work and, although she knows about my depression, she says we have deadlines and she would rather I come in and do less work than miss completely. I've never been so unproductive in my life (my previous bosses and supervisors have all liked my work).

Well, today, I just couldn't go in. I feel barely functional. I was shaking and sobbing this morning and I don't want people at work to see me like this. I sent my boss an email telling her about how I felt, because I just couldn't call.

So basically, I'm wondering if I'm going to even have a job tommorow. I feel so freakin' down....like I can't handle jack shit and it really bothers me, because I've always prided myself on being tough.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm at home, all alone, and just need people to talk to.

[laylah]

1. Been there, done

that...it is a horrible feeling! I am so sorry you are in such a bad way. Call your doc and see if you can go see him/her today. In the meantime, be good to yourself :hug:

[Kali]

2. Sounds like the unproductive person in this is your doctor

she needs to do her job too. Call.

[raccoon]

3. I agree with the earlier posters. :hug: nt

[TZ]

4. I've been there.

Really. I had a horrible experience at NIH that did that to me. It took lots of time, medication and other things to help me get past it...Don't feel bad. Shit happens. Don't pile on yourself..you'll just make yourself physically ill..(been there done that!!)
I hope they don't fire you for being ill..because thats what depression/anxiety disorder is...I so wish you lived closer so I could help you find something more suited to your needs.
Please, feel free to PM me ANYTIME to talk...:hug:

[Evoman]

14. I remember you talking about your experience at NIH

Did you find a job right away after that? How did you cope with losing you job?

I'm just so down on myself and feel so useless. I used to have a good memory and be a clear thinker, so maybe it's true that I didn't have to be as organized. I did well in school, got top scholarships and honours and my former bosses all found me useful and liked having me around.

But now, it's like I'm operating under a fog and my lack of organization is biting me in the ass. I get stuff done as best I can, but I feel so useless. I don't get any positive criticism, and sometimes I wonder if it's because I don't deserve it.

Aw fuck.....the worst part is that I feel so fucking whiny. I'm maybe not as good at expressing my feelings as I should be, and I find it difficult. I feel like if I was just tougher, than I could just drop all of this shit. But I can't.

[TZ]

17. I quit without a job lined up.

But I got a temp job right away..Unfortunately the stress had taken a toll on me and I lost the temp position because I was so physically sick that I could not work for 6 weeks (Some sort of stress induced gastric infection I think, I could barely eat for that time and lost a bunch of weight). Fortunately I had some savings that got me over it.
So don't feel like you are being whiny...You need to deal with this before you end up where I was!! Somehow someway, you need to get to talk therapy I think. Does your employer have any kind of EAP -Employee Assistance program that you can call? Many employers offer it and its free...

[Evoman]

19. I looked into it, and no they don't have anything like that.

It's a fairly small company (at least the lab section is). I'm going to go to the doctor today, and get him to refer me to a psychiatrist. I know I need to talk to someone, but it's hard for me to invest energy into looking. It's like I know what I have to do, but I don't want to do it.

Fucked up.

[GreenPartyVoter]

21. Missed this post earlier when I posted my reply. Glad to hear you are taking that step.

[TZ]

24. Good luck.

And yeah, I know about the cycle of knowing you need help but not wanting/able to look for it. Catch22.
Hope you work things out..Don't be a stranger...:hug:

[Haole Girl]

5. Aw. I wish you could learn to compartmentalize

It's not something I think I can teach you. You've got to try to focus on work while you're at work and leave home life and other stuff for later. Yeah, I know, easier said than done. And I'm not always good at it, myself, but it's the only way I've survived.

Maybe meds, alone, aren't enough. Maybe you could talk with someone?

Hold on!

:hug:

[Evoman]

6. Yeah, maybe that's it.

But I don't think it's just work (although I'm sure it's a huge part of it). I think it's a combination of moving to a new city, away from all my family, and working at a place where I get criticized daily no matter how hard I work or try. I have a job where concentration is really important, and there are days like today where my head gets so foggy. It also doesn't help that it's winter, the snow is piled up and it's freezing.

I'm trying to be more self-aware, and attempting some cognitive therapy excercises, but it's really tough.

[Haole Girl]

7. It may sound weird, but try to focus on how concentration makes you forget...

about other things. Does that make any sense?

I hope you don't think my advice is useless because I don't understand what you are going through. I do. Work can become a solace... a refuge. Or, if you let it, it can tear you down. If you can find that "zone" or mindset where you look at it as a release it might work better for you.

Of course I say this today because I'm off work. ;-) :hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

8. She can not legally fire you for being ill...

She can try, but it would not be a good idea for her company, because you do have recourse if this happens.

Stop feeling guilty about having to call in...you are sick after all.

I've been through this exact problem, so I feel for you.

I'm telling you straight up...YOU come first, work comes second.

Work with your doctor to get you feeling better.

I'm sorry you are going through this...it is absolutely horrible, but you will get better if your doctor does his/her job.

I wish you the very best!

[seabeyond]

9. i am so sorry evo.....

that you are going thru this. and now fear the loss of a job.

[LeftyMom]

10. If you're not able to work reliably right now, perhaps you should go out on disability until you're

stable. I see that you and your doctor are working on it, but in the meantime it's not fair to your coworkers or your boss for you to be out on short notice frequently and not 100% the rest of the time. Plus it sounds like dealing with work is making the situation worse for you by causing you stress.

[Haole Girl]

12. Maybe you're right

I feel bad about the advice I gave now. What works for one person might not ever work for another. I really should stop giving advice.

[Evoman]

18. Yeah, I know.

It makes me feel bad for my boss (I don't really have coworkers) that I'm not able to give it my all. Maybe I should consider what you say. The only problem is that I'm in a position where I have to work to pay the rent and I'm afraid of what taking time off like that may look like for my career/resume. I know that shit is stupid to think about while I'm basically losing it, but I can't help it.

I don't know the first thing about how disability works. And I'm not sure how easy it is to get on it for something like depression (which can be managed).

I may have to look into it.

[hunter]

11. If you are lucky you can move from "disorganized and unreliable" to...

... "disorganized, unreliable, and INDISPENSABLE."

If not, it's just a job.

*** I'm trying to be humorous now even though I'm pretty sure I know how you feel having been there myself. ***

I'll do my best not to turn this into medical advice and thus get the thread locked, but do take care of yourself, and feel free to send me a PM.

[Evoman]

16. Ah hunter, you rock.

If I were less hetero, I would be in love with you (but don't tell Moogie).

Thanks for that.

[Tobin S.]

13. Have you ever considered a high paying career in trucking?

Well, it's high paying if you consider $35,000 your first year good money and topping out at 60k wealthy. :D

I have a mental illness, too, and let me tell you, trucking saved my life when I was symptomatic. I didn't have to deal with anyone for longer than a few minutes and they were truck stop employees and dock workers who usually don't have a problem with you. Yep, you can just close the door on the truck and ride down the road for 11 hours at a time and tell the rest of the world to fuck off. :)

I hope you get to feeling better.

[Evoman]

15. Ha...no, but I have looked fondly at janitorial work.

I come from a long line of janitors, and sometimes I feel like I should pick up the family trade. I think that was my student loans still not paid off, it's a little unrealistic, but still....

Hehe...maybe once I get my student loans payed off, I'll look into trucking. Or maybe be a travelling poet.

[GreenPartyVoter]

20. I dunno what you are on, but I was put on Cymbalta and it absolutely made me a nutcase. Crying

uncontrollably one day, screaming the next, and happy as a clam after that. In fact, it knocked me into an 8 day cycle where you could actually predict which kind of day I was going to have based on that 8 day schedule.

I'm not saying this is what is going on with you. What you are going through could be based on your unhappiness at work. But if I were you I would get to another doc ASAP. (And if possible see about a referral to a psychiatrist. GPs are great, but sometimes it's best to get the second opinion of a specialist in these cases.) :hug:

[Heidi]

22. Evoman, I have nothing to offer you except my experience

that many, many people I know, love and respect have gone through exactly what you're going through, and 99 percent of them step out into the sunshine on the other side with good treatment, therapy if necessary, and the love of friends and family. I can offer you the love of friends. It's not much now, I know, but I care about you as a member of this DU family. :hug:

[Evoman]

26. God dammit Heidi.

You made me freakin' tear up again.

This is why I love DU so much. Thank you. This means more to me than you can know. I don't have a lot of family or friends in this city, and though my gf is very supportive, it's nice to talk to people who understand what I'm going through.

[Heidi]

28. We don't have to be defined in the long term by any single obstacle in our lives.

I've read your DU posts for two or three years. You know what it is to be passionate, hopefully and empowered, and you remember it as a reference point, a home to return to.

You're family. Don't ever, ever, ever give up on YOU. Real family won't give up on you, either. :hug:

[YankeyMCC]

23. You may be home but

you're not alone in the sense that we all wish you the best. Take care of yourself and may you find the strength and courage to get though this difficult time and may you have the compassionate support of others to help you find them.

[tigereye]

25. don't they have an EAP? They should be working with you to get your

mental concerns worked on, so that you can continue in your job. Most organizations have plans and structures to cope with problems related to mental health issues. Depression is very treatable and a medical concern - most workplaces have policies regarding this and probably leave related to health concerns.

Good luck to you.

[Evoman]

27. My workplace is sort of unique.

The headquarters of the corp are in another city. I work in a small lab that's barely connected, and as such, it is difficult to communicate.

The corp does not have any EAP or counseling services. The lab that I work in, I get no support. The only people in my lab are two senior research scientist, one who is my boss, and the other who doesn't do much lab work so is not around. So basically, it's me and my boss....and she is very pressuring and critical. Which is fine, I don't mind being criticized when I'm not doing what is needed....but it seems like when I'm down in the dumps, she gets less understanding.

It's really hard. I'm not ready to quit...I have never quit a job. And finding another job won't be easy, especially without a reference.

Although who knows....in the past four months, I've missed a day and a half to two days a month of work due to my mental problems. And she is always angry about it, so I may not even have a job tommorow. Who knows.....

[tigereye]

29. is is possible to just sit down with her and lay out some type of plan, straight

up?

You would think a researcher would want to be proactive about ways to help you balance your mental health issues and your work productivity so that the work can continue. 1-2 days per month really isn't that much in the long run.



again, good luck to you.

[mzteris]

30. call your doc -

sounds like what you're taking isn't agreeing with you.

I know med roulette sucks, but better to get it right.

[mochajava666]

31. Been There, and almost lost my job, too.

For me, I went over a year without taking my antidepressants, and I gradually became more and more incapable of handling many job stresses. I have a lab job too, and there are instrument problems, deadline issues, communication problems, etc. My bosses told me to work harder or else, at the same time I was trying to tell them how burned out I was getting. I almost walked out that day for good.

My psychologist was extremely helpful on getting me through the problems with my bosses. If you don't think you are a very good match with your therapist, get a new one before you waste any more time. Also, with a change of doctors, may come a change of meds. For me, I had been suicidal every day of my life from the time I was 6 or 7 to my last suicide attempt that ended in a 5 day coma 30 years later.

I know it's hard to look for a new therapist, but at this point, why not think about it? The therapist that I've had since the coma 10 years ago had been my 4th try at therapy. These last 10 years have been my best, so for me the forth try was the charm. I still see her every 2 weeks, and I'm slowly getting closer to self fulfillment.

My heart goes out to you. With this economy, a job that is killing you is also a trap that you are stuck in. If you're like me, your lab job doesn't pay a hell of a lot, so maybe a restaurant job could pay the bills so you don't have an employment gap on your resume? I've done the janitor thing, and I thought working in a kitchen was better. Plus kitchen people are great, regular, down-to-earth, blue-collar friends. Probably the best friends that I've ever had.

Bottom line is, all you can do is try your hardest, and try not to judge yourself by other peoples' standards. Only you know what you are going through, and most people have no idea what depression is.

[Evoman]

32. Thank you.

I haven't yet seen a therapist, having only been going to a GP. I have an appointment tommorow, and I am going to get the doc the refer me to a psychiatrist or psychologist.

I am feeling really burnt out too. I haven't had more than five days off in a row in about 4 years (the last time I took a vacation). When I approached my boss about taking time off, she freaked. She is a workoholic who doesn't understand what I'm going through...all that she cares about is getting results. And we have a funding agency paying a visit in March, so she is really concerned about getting enough done by then.

[mochajava666]

33. Telling your boss that you are seeing a doctor about

your situation should at least indicate how you are being proactive and not just making excuses. My bosses were pleased to know that I was seeing someone about my depression even when they were really pissed off at me. Psychologists (at least good ones) are extremely good at conflict resolution.

Is your boss a scientist that was promoted to a manager position even though she knew absolutely nothing about dealing with people? That seems to be a common thread throughout most labs.

So there is a big March deadline? That sucks. More stress for everyone. If there is a lot of work to do with a short deadline, can she afford to fire you right now? Training takes time. That would add a lot of stress to her.

[applegrove]

34. Glad you are getting the help you need. Don't be afraid of crying. It releases alot of pent up

emotion and you feel a bit better afterward. When I was going through terrible shit and getting used to it I cried all the time and it really helped. You are doing everything you can under circumstances that are not your fault. Nobody can ask you to do more than you are doing right now. If your boss is an asshole I say good riddance if she lets you go. Us sensitive types simply can't be around toxic people. Especially when you are doing the meds dance and trying to figure out which combination is best for you. The good news is that some drugs will work for you whether you need them temporarily or for the long term. I've had depression and PTSD for years and the meds usually work great for me.

[XemaSab]

35. That's funny

I walked in the door this morning hoping they would can me. x(