Can I just vent?

[pagerbear]

I have several friends--OK, two in particular--who are miserable in their relationships and keep telling me how miserable they are. I can't tell them to leave the losers they seem so attached to--and they wouldn't if I did--but I do try to point out to them that their rights and their boundaries and their desires are just as important as those of their lovers. I'm certainly not going to make my friendship and support conditional ("Either dump that jerk or stop whining to me about him!") but I am growing a bit weary of the current situation.

I know my friends can't be blameless in the way their relationships work, and probably behave in ways just as inappropriate as their lovers. Nobody seems to know how to have a healthy relationship. God knows I dont! Sometimes it makes me glad I'm a loner.

[Skittles]

1. just hold your tongue and just BE THERE when it falls apart

that's what friends do

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. sorry to hear that

a friend of mine whined about her bf for years and then married him last year...IDIOT!

did you ever go out with that cute boy whose life is all messed up?

[pagerbear]

3. Nope.

Cute as he is, I wouldn't have even if he'd wanted to. I don't need to become someone's daddy or caretaker.

[Snow]

4. See, they don't want you to problem-solve - they just want

to air their - not quite griefs, is it? - but their unhappinesses a bit.

This is one of the funniest things to teach med students by the way. When they start med school, in the first two years we run them through a whole series of simulated patients (you might wanna do this gig, by the way; check with your local med school) whom they have to talk with on a variety of topics, like Giving Bad News. And sometimes the med student's role is to sit and listen and empathize a bit, which gets pretty funny because the type of kids who go into medicine are the type of kids who like to fix things, and be helpful. Sitting back and listening quietly takes some real work.

[Cuban_Liberal]

5. Toxic relationships are like substance abuse.

You can't 'fix' anything until the person in the relationship realizes that there IS a problem, and reaches out, Until then, all you can do is be generally supportive of your friends, and let them know that you'll be there, should it (inevitably) implode.

:)

[radwriter0555]

6. Nod. Smile. A LOT. Then eventually change the subject.

Offer no advice.

just listen for as long as you can tolerate it, then change the subject.

[Ready4Change]

7. Why can't you tell them to leave the losers?

Just because you friends are in bad relationships it doesn't mean that misery must be allowed to leak into YOUR relationship with them.

If it really bothers you, speak up. The worst that can happen is that you'll loose these "friends" who seem to just use you as a griping post. At best, they'll listen to you, leave the jerks, and get into worthwhile relationships.

[Rabrrrrrr]

8. Aye, vent all you want and I shall listen attentively

As you listen to your loony friends. :-)

However, I will say one thing: while you can't fix them, you DO have the authority and the right to say to them, "Look, I'm willing to support you in whatever you do and I can't tell you what to do, but you have to know that I am increasingly tired of listening to stories about your relationship problems. So, either do something constructive, or else don't mention them to me again because it's boring and frustrating. I am your friend, and want to hear and support you in all your problems, except this one."

When it gets out of control, you have the right not to hear it any more, and perhaps that will finally give them incentive to do something about the situation.

And note, you haven't said "Either leave them or I won't be your friend", you've simply laid out the law that complaining about their relationships is now a verboten topic until they start doing something about it.

Then perhaps they will offer a counter-offer, and you will find a way to compromise.

But if it's driving you crazy, you DON'T have to listen to it any more.

[Cursive_Knives512]

9. That happened to me recently

Edited to say: I agree completely with Rabrrrrrr, and that's what I was kinda trying to say in the following:

My friend was dating this guy who was a complete moron... he'd make plans with her, then ditch her, and she'd call me up crying and stuff. I told her to dump his sorry ass, and she didn't... then I pretty much did what everyone else said to do. I just tried to listen and support her. But after WEEKS of this, it got terrible. All of her friends, including me, kept telling her to dump him. He wasn't very nice to her in the first place, he hated her friends (except me for some reason), and he had the WORST excuses for ditching her (like the time he said, "I was too high to come over to your house."). Finally she dumped him.... you just need to keep supporting them and don't let your friendship get damaged, even though that's hard. Maybe you could buy them some good dating books, I don't know if that would be too rude or not subtle enough, but there are some really good ones out there (like one... I can't remember the name, but it's something about red flags...) that might be able to help them. Good luck!!!!!!!!