"you didn't leave a note"

[cally]

The accusation from my teen after I came back from the grocery store. This from the teen who I battle with that she needs to tell me who she is going with and where she will be. She's argued extensively that I worry too much and she should be respected but when I leave for an hour or so, she was livid. Both my kids were.

This issue has also been one of the biggest 'discussions' between my husband and I. I think that we should know where the other person is, in general. If one of us travels, then we need to check in.

How do you work this out in your own relationships? Independence vs. just concern where your loved ones are.

[Robb]

1. My dad basically told me

...that I could stop letting him know where I was all the time once he was dead. He went on to explain that at that point (a) he wouldn't care, being dead, and (b) I'd inherit whatever money he had, so I could pay my own damn ransom.

Mean thing to say to a little kid, but it worked. I always checked in. :shrug:

[cally]

2. My parents still are upset if I leave for a few

days and don't tell them. I haven't lived at home for 19 years.

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. LOL! My sister is the same way,

and we haven't lived together for 20 years! I went away for a week last summer without telling her (and we live 1500 miles apart anyway), and she was LIVID with me.

Sheesh.

[cally]

3. Trying one more time for some input

:shrug:

[camero]

4. Don't know what to say really

My mom gets worried if I leave for even a night. I guess there are degrees of concern but could go over board to tyranny pretty much.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

5. That's a tricky one....

I'm a bit paranoid about not knowing where family members are -- it's a safety thing for me, where I automatically assume something terrible has happened if I can't get in touch with them and need the reassurance of knowing where they are.

When I was a teen, Mom's thing was she had to know where I was and who I was with. If I was going to be later somewhere than I expected I was to call and let her know. If I didn't, oooh boy, the shit hit the fan. :)

That both your kids were angry with you, do you think it was some of the worry thing with them? After all, you are Mom, one of the people who makes their lives work and remain safe. Is it out of the ordinary for you to disappear like that? If so, it could trigger anxieties in them. As "grownup" as teens can be, we both know they can still be just a kid in so many ways.

As for your battles with your daughter about who/what/where, she's a teen, it's her job to be a big pain in the ass and have contradictory views on what applies to her and what applies to you. :)

Personally, I don't find it unreasonable at all to have an expectation about knowing where family members are. I do think there can be a hint of trouble when it moves beyond having information and into creating an overly acute sense of anxiety about the safety of family members. I think I got a wee bit of that. ;)

[cally]

6. Thanks

I missed you on Saturday. We looked for you several times. I was looking forward to hanging out with you.

Everything you posted makes sense. I don't know if they were truly worried or just annoyed that I did what I complain about them doing. I'm a worrier. I want to know where my loved ones are. They are probably the same.

[SOteric]

7. Well...I live alone so it's not really much of an issue just now.

What I've done in the past is to "file a flight plan." I'd keep one of those big "Remarkable" calendars on the door of the fridge along with some markers on a string. I'd write things like "out doing errands, back around 3:00," or "hangin' out with LP, -back before dinner." Lateness was tolerated up to one hour, after that the person who was late returning was obligated to phone and check in or we'd assume it was time to start tracking them down.

[Kenneth ken]

8. cally is so busted!

sorry; if you're the one saying your family needs to make their plans and whereabouts known to the family, then you definitely have to set the example.

I essentially have no relationships.

[cally]

10. Probably right

Thanks. Not fun to be the one that's wrong but I was.

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. "Do as I say, not as I do" eh?

If you want them to communicate with you, you, as the parent, need to be extra-careful to communicate with them.

And I remember as a teenager, even though in many ways I didn't really care about my parents in my teenage angst and had a cynical nasty attitude at times etc., whenever they were late or not home when I expected them to be I went into major stress mode of worry about them.

[Liberal Christian]

12. We were a note-leaving family

Mom wanted to know where we were, who we were with, and when we'd be back. It was a worry thing. She didn't want to interfere with our plans, but she did want to know which parents to call if we were way overdue. We never had a curfew, but if we were going to be later than we thought, we were supposed to call so she could delay her worry time.

I had it drilled into me that letting the people you lived with know where they could find you and when you'd be back was a matter of courtesy. So that's what I think it is.

Oh .. and Mom? I think she only went out once or twice without letting us know where she was, but we were hopping mad when she came back after several hours. She got all huffy, too, until we reminded her about the "it's a courtesy" thing. Then she apologized and let us know where she'd be after that.

[SarahB]

13. Independence?

What is this concept you are speaking of? Actually, this is a huge battle on a higher concept level, but I have no problem leaving notes or phoning if I'm going somewhere. Basically, I always do. It's probably a mutual respect thing when you have a family.

[Skittles]

14. leave a spiral binder somewhere

and everyone can leave notes there like an ongoing log. Just tell 'em all to date and time it.