Tell me if this is a completely unfounded fear. RE: bi-sexual woman I'm dating

[LostInAnomie]

I recently started dating this woman who I really like. She's smart, funny, we have a ton of common interests, etc. She's pretty much everything you would want in a potential SO. But, recently she told me that she's bi-sexual. Not in the flirty, "gay for play" sort of way that some young women pretend to be, but seriously, as in she can go either way. She also told me that her last serious relationship was with a woman and it lasted for several years. Apparently, I am the first guy she's dated since their split and I'm also the first guy she's dated in seven years.

My concern is that she might have a change of heart. That she might decide that she's not into guys anymore after we get serious. Or, that I might be her testing the waters to see if she really wants to be with a man. Should this be something I should worry about?

[flvegan]

1. Behave, flvegan. Just behave.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear LostInAnomie...

Seriously, I wouldn't worry. That's just spinning your wheels.

I would talk to her. Tell her what you're thinking, when you think the time is right.

Ask her. You deserve to know, if you think you might want to commit to her.

And she needs to make up her mind too...

Good luck, sweetie...

:hug:

[LostInAnomie]

6. That's probably sound advice, Peggy.

That's an awkward conversation to enter into though.

[Zomby Woof]

3. Couldn't help but think of 'Chasing Amy'

[LostInAnomie]

4. Well...

... I'm hoping there's no "finger-cuffs" stories involved.

[LeftyMom]

5. She could change her feelings about a lot of things.

She could decide she's not really into dudes, or dating, or you. She could become a fundamentalist Christian or a Muslim or a Scientologist. She could take up drinking or some illegal drug with a dangerous enthusiasm. She could get a job offer three states away. She could have a mental break or start slapping you around or get diagnosed with a terminal disease or hit by a bus.

Tomorrow, no matter how much we may plan for it, is not a given, in a relationship or any other situation.

Change happens. Sometimes it ends relationships. Sometimes it makes them stronger. I've never noticed that worrying about it made the latter any more likely than the former. Which ones we choose to worry about usually says more about our insecurities than about the real risks we face, at least from what I can tell.

[Kali]

7. or she might decide she is into guys, but just not you

I don't think her being bi is really an issue. Relax. If she likes you, she likes you. If not, it won't matter what sex you are or what sex the next person she dates is.

[Ozymanithrax]

8. She could be straight and have a change of heart...

She could have a stuffed bear fetish and have a change of heart...

That can happen in any relationship. You either accept her for what she is or accept that you can't deal with it.

[JCMach1]

12. +1, the issue is monogamy and exclusivity, not her bi-sexuality

[Name removed]

9. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[LostInAnomie]

10. Ouch!

I don't really think that's fair.

[Maru Kitteh]

14. You're right. Trying to equate sexuality with mental stability harkens to the bad old days

when homosexuality and related behavior was called a "disorder" in the DSM.

[Withywindle]

11. TALK WITH HER.

If these are real fears you truly have--not just the usual biphobic stereotyping that gets thrown at us ALL THE GODDAMN time--then ask her the same questions, and really *listen* to her answers.*

Yes, bisexuals are totally capable of being in a monogamous relationship. Straight people and gay people do all the time, right?


*Full personal disclosure: I've had to deal with so much of this shit in my life that I'm pretty much only interested in dating fellow bisexuals at this point. People who don't get it bring too much baggage.

[Book Lover]

13. Yes, it is unfounded

If she understands that she is bisexual, she is just as likely to "have a change of heart" as a lesbian would have, deciding that she's actually straight. That is, none.

[HopeHoops]

15. A good relationship is based on friendship, not sex or sexual orientation.

If you have a strong friendship, you'll do fine. Without it, there's not much there anyway.

[Iggo]

16. delete -- not funny

[Orrex]

17. Tell her that she's going to Hell because she chose to be bisexual. That'll really break the ice.

Otherwise, I agree with the sentiment expressed up-thread that a bisexual person is no more likely than a straight person to "have a change of heart."

Additionally:

My concern is that she might have a change of heart. That she might decide that she's not into guys anymore after we get serious. Or, that I might be her testing the waters to see if she really wants to be with a man. Should this be something I should worry about?

You're deliberately (if unconsciously) setting up the relationship for failure, because you're going into it with the (partial) expectation that it's nothing more than an experiment for her, and that's a dead-end kind of thinking: if the relationship doesn't last, you'll be tempted to attribute it either to her failure to commit to a straight relationship or to your failure as a straight person to keep her interested.


If she really seems to like you, isn't that enough?

[soleft]

18. You're both taking the same risk everyone faces in relationships

She's taking a risk you may lose interest in her at some point for whatever reason. It is not the typical trigger for insecurity people face when beginning a relationship, but that's all it is. One in a myriad of things to feel insecure about.

They say death is easy, comedy is hard. Relationships are harder. But so worth the risk.

As they in Macbeth and Beauty and The Beast - "Screw your courage to the sticking place."

I just married someone who can very much be described as a bisexual woman. She may fantasize about Rachel Maddow AND Colin Firth, but she sleeps with me every night.

[Lil Missy]

19. No guarantees in life. Enjoy the present. n/t

[bamacrat]

20. Not necessarily. If she likes you and acts like she is in to you then I would say not to worry.

There is an obvious upside to this though if she really wants to be with you and have a relationship with you.

[MilesColtrane]

21. Worth the risk

Who knows? She might even have a friend she would invite over for a special occasion.