Is this normal: When you are losing your parents, and they are dying...

[Mike 03]

Or in danger of dying...

Everything from your past suddenly becomes so sensitive, like their favorite songs that you used to listen to via ancient technology like cassette tape, on your vacations, or favorite songs your Dad or Mom loved, and it becomes painful to listen to them, or experiencing things that were important to you in your youth seem to be lost, and causes pain.

Your wisdom and advice would be appreciated.

[annabanana]

1. Of course it's normal dear.

Your childhood memories of your parents is always so close to the surface. When their mortality is uppermost in your mind, you are 5 again.

[Mike 03]

2. Thank you.

There is nobody I can talk about this with. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[kimi]

3. Absolutely, it is

And may be painful for awhile to come.

I'm sorry, for whatever it is you're experiencing. I hope it becomes easier with time. Best wishes.

[nolabear]

4. Of course it's normal. It's love and grief.

It reinforces the connection and though it hurts it's the kind of hurt that ultimately becomes poignant.

[davsand]

5. I think it is the loss that drives it.

My dad has been gone for two years (last Sunday was that anniversary, in fact) and there are still times when his loss still hurts as much as the day I sat with him while he died. I honestly don't know if it does get any easier with time. I suspect it must--I find I cry less now than I did a year ago--but I couldn't begin to quantify when or how it happens.

I hang on to both the happy memories of my dad as well as the ones that represent the realities and human failings that make us all human. I do talk about him, some, and that seems to help a bit.

I'm sorry you are suffering and in pain. I am also very glad you felt ok about coming here and asking for support. You are NOT alone.


:hug:


Laura

[burrfoot]

6. Completely normal.

I lost my dad when I was 25 and it took about 3 years before I finally worked everything out that I needed to. When you get there- and you will, sooner or later- that stuff that causes pain now will make you smile. A little bit melancholy, perhaps, and a lot nostalgic- but still a smile.

Hang in there.

:toast:

[lukasahero]

7. Hi Mike

Yes, it's normal. Let yourself feel it now. Remember everything.

I didn't know you were losing your folks. Please PM me if you ever want to talk about it. It's unbearable but you find a way to keep moving.

I found it more immediate when my dad was dying than after he passed. Afterward, it all seemed so surreal, we couldn't possibly be talking about my dad, and there's so much to do it keeps you busy.

But when he was sick and in hospice care, everything set me off - music was obvious but thinking about just the silliest little things had me scurrying for Kleenex. It was actually easier to cry then. Now I try not to because I don't think I'll ever stop if I get started. The pain is physical.

Spend what time you can with them. Talk about those stories you remember. Look at pictures together. Laugh. Remember.

My heart goes out to you. :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

8. Very normal, Mike.

It can be painful, I know, but it is normal.

:hug:

[tango-tee]

9. Very normal, dear Mike 03.

My dad died five years ago, and we kept his bottle of aftershave in the cabinet. Every so often I open that bottle and take a whiff, and in these few seconds there is my dad, right here with me. To me, this is very comforting.

I hope that you also experience many of these small comforts during your time of grief and sorrow. Like you said, a favorite song, a particular food... there will be many moments that will bring solace.

If you would like to talk more, send me a PM. Will be glad to listen.

[UTUSN]

10. My parents and older sister are gone, & only me and 1 (older) sister left

[Brickbat]

11. Part of you never really grows up. Ever.

And all these reminds simply make you feel like you took it all for granted. But you didn't, really, if it's bittersweet/painful. It just means that you were paying attention and loved and were loved in return, and you know it won't happen again.

It's always hard when someone who knew you when you were young dies.

[tango-tee]

16. So true, Brickbat.

Never mind how old we are, we will always be our parents' children. There is a part of us that remains deeply attached to them. An umbilical cord of a kind that can't be cut.

[tango-tee]

17. Delete, dupe, finger trouble.

[we can do it]

12. Yes Very Much Normal

I keep an eye on things my mom gave me- they are invaluable and bring her right into the room with me. (nobody had EVER try to take them or damage them)

[Shapton]

13. Cherish those memories

Hide them for now if it helps, but someday you will look back on the wonderful parents that you had. I lost my mother about three years ago and my father a few years before that. It is still painful for me to look at photos of my mother while she was in the nursing home - I want to remember her as I did in my youth. But I still have those photos, and with time it will get easier.

[triguy46]

14. When my mom was in her 10th month in nursing home...

I found myself driving home on a highway at 35 miles an hour. I was going to see her at least once a day, and on this day the second visit just hit me like a ton of bricks. I cannot describe the sadness, the pain, the turmoil of the experience. I really hit bottom there. 12 months later it was over.

[mulsh]

15. of course it's normal...

but then this is a unique experience. You deal with these events the way you are going to deal with them.

My mom died suddenly one day from a heart attack, as my father told me. " one minute we talking and the next she turned blue." that was 12 years ago. My father died 2 years ago in the hospital with a broken hip and broken ankle, about a week before his 83rd birthday, cracking jokes and flirting with nurses to the end.

I miss both of them. there are times when I forget they're gone and have picked up the phone to call them...the I remember they're dead and start thinking about how good it was when they were alive.

don't be too hard on yourself and do what you need to do to get through this. One of my mom's friends told me that after she died, it was the best advice.

[Urban Prairie]

18. My 78 year old father died suddenly in a garage fire 12 years ago

It was an attached garage and he had opened the door to toss a flaming chair out onto the lawn, and since the fire started early in the AM, he was not dressed, only in his underwear, and yelled at the neighbors to call 911. Then out of modesty he went back into the garage to go back into the house, with the fire worsening due to its supply of fresh outside air. He shut the garage door but quickly became overcome by smoke and soot, and did not make it back into the house. The emergency crews found his "alligatored" (by fire) body curled up next to the door that led into the house. He liked to refinish antique furniture, and there were a lot of combustible and flammable chemicals in the garage.

To this day I am not sure what started the fire. But he had been working on my brother's truck (brakes) the night before, and I have a theory that his next door neighbor sat in that chair talking to him while smoking, and one of his lit smokes fell in between the cushion, and the chair smouldered during the night until it caught fire.

Our local TV newcast that night had the story, and when the lady newscaster led off by mentioning my father's nickname, I lost it, I had not cried when my mother had called me at home that morning (I worked the graveyard shift) and jumped in my truck and drove to their house. My mother had spent the night before at my sisters's house, so she hadn't been home when the fire started. All of my brothers and sister was there, and we waited for hours outside until the crew brought his body out. It hadn't rained in weeks, but that morning the skies had opened up.

The only things that I have left now to remember him by, are some tools that he gave me, and a few family photographs with him in them. It took a year for me to finally begin to recover emotionally , but the passing years have softened the anguish I felt over his horrible death.

[hayu_lol]

19. As a parent, grandparent, and great grandparent...

the only advice I can offer those who are younger:

If you have questions only your parents can answer, ask the questions now. If you want to know about your family history(may be important to you years from now), ask now.

Doesn't do much good to realize over the years that you could have learned some interesting lessons from the people who raised and nurtured you into adulthood.

Last, but not least, expect your parents to be quite rational and outspoken(given a chance to be at least)about death. Of all civilizations, perhaps the Japanese put the best face on death--they equate life to the cherry blossom with it's very quick life cycle. Death, after all, is just a normal stage of life. Parents are generally wiser by far than their offspring.