Irish Pub Jokes

[Zomby Woof]

An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'
'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's honour this way.'

'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'

Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent...'


-------------------------------


An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!'

[Zomby Woof]

1. Philosophy

In life, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about,


But if you die, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

And if you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends
You won’t have time to worry!

[struggle4progress]

2. The old man lived alone, his dear boy being in gaol, and the time came again

for planting potatoes. And he wasn't feeling too well and didn't think he'd have it in him to spade the garden this year. So he wrote a sad letter to the boy, saying that there'd be no potatoes this year, unless he could find someone else to do the tilling. And his son wrote back at once: "Holy saints and blessed martyrs! Don't you dare dig in the garden! Where did you think I buried the guns?" Well, he'd scarcely read the letter when a troop of British soldiers appeared. They dug holes, and they dug holes, and they dug holes, and they asked the poor old man where were the guns, and in the end, finding nothing, they left. So he wrote the boy another letter to tell of the visiting soldiers. And his son wrote back: "Well, now, you can plant your potatoes."

[Zomby Woof]

3. Love it!

[Patiod]

15. I never heard that one

brilliant!

[Inchworm]

4. Missed this'n

I even posted the same fly joke :D

:thumbsup:

[Zomby Woof]

5. LOL

I JUST posted the link to this thread in your thread at the same time. Must be the timin' of the Irish!

[Inchworm]

6. Indeed

I'm priming up for the evening. Maybe we'll gather many between the two threads and remember one at the end of the day :beer:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x9297540

:toast:

[Rambis]

7. New one on me

Paddy the infamous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

[charlie and algernon]

8. Don't go for the one....

My friend Harvey married Tracey McCall,
By Christ she was a scary old doll.
A voice out of hell and a temper to boot,
Arms like a navvy and a face like dried fruit.

I bumped into Harvey back home last year,
Says I to him, 'Do you wanna go for a beer?'
'No, me sister's French husband is over,' says he,
'I've been sent to get snails to impress him for tea.'

'I was down in the snail shop, she told me to go,'
'I'm a little bit late because business was slow,'
'If I'm not home by six, I'll surely be done,'
'The Mrs will kill me, let's just go for the one.'

For the one went down fast, the second did too,
three or four followed, twas a fine how-do-you-do,
Harvey looked at his watch, shrieked out with fright,
It was twenty past ten, we'd been drinking all night.

Well cursing my name, he sped 'cross the floor,
clutching the snails, he ran out the door,
'I'm a dead man,' he said, 'I'm drunk and I'm late,'
As he tore down the road and up to his gate.

Well he opened the gate and he ran down the path,
but he knew he was in for the dragon's wrath,
but he tripped and he fell and up in the air
went the bag with the snails flying everywhere.

Hearing the noise she kicked open the door,
snails and Harvey were spread 'cross the floor,
'You're three hours late,' she screamed, loud as she could,
'What's your excuse, this had better be good.'

Well he looks down at the snails
and with a confident dare
he says, 'five more feet lads, we're nearly there.'

The one, the one, don't go for the one,
don't go for the one, for the one, for the one.
The one, the one, don't go for the one,
don't go for the one, for the one, for the one.

[Withywindle]

9. Not set in a pub, but...

A traveler is passing through a pretty little Irish town by the sea when he sees an old man sitting on a hill overlooking the town, looking utterly dejected.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

The old man sighs, points out to the water. "I built those ships. I built lots of ships for many years. Do they call me Paddy the Shipbuilder? No."

He points to a bridge. "I built that bridge. I was the best bridgebuilder in three counties. Do they call me Paddy the Bridgebuilder? No."

He points to the town hall. "I was the mayor of this town for 20 years. Do they call me Paddy the Mayor? No."

He shakes his head sadly. "But I'll tell ye, ye fuck just ONE goat...."

[Inchworm]

11. Bwahahaha!

:rofl:

[Zomby Woof]

13. LOL!

:toast:

[chromotone]

10. Did you know the world's most prolific inventor is Irish?

"Pat Pending" is his name...

[tilsammans]

12. An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Hey, it could happen.

:rofl:
:toast:

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

[Inchworm]

18. .

:toast:

[Mendocino]

14. A Priest, a Rabbi and a Pastor

walk into a bar and sit down. Bartender says "Is this a joke"?

Not really a St. Pat's joke but I like it.

[Patiod]

16. One of my favorites:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Inchworm]

19. Oh dear

I can relate

:rofl:

[struggle4progress]

17. What's green and hasn't got the sense to come in from out of the rain?

Paddy O'Furniture

[Inchworm]

20. Bad bad bad

:rofl:

[trof]

21. A Scot, an Englishman, and an Irishman go to the olympics.

2008.
Beijing.

BIG olympics fans, but...got no tickets for any venues.
Just airline tickets for Beijing.
They'll figure a way to get in to the games once they arrive.

Outside the games they find a pile of leftover construction materials.
The Scot picks up a 15 foot piece of pipe.
The Englishman grabs a manhole cover.
The Irishman (a bit painfully) hoists a roll barbed wire.

They strip to their skivvies and approach one of the contestants' gates.

The guard stops them.
The Scot says "McTavish, Scotland, Pole vaulting."
He is passed through the gate.
The Englishman says "Frothingham, England, Discus."
In he goes.

The Irishman says "O'Halloran, Ireland, Fencing."
:rofl:

[bigwillq]

22. ha ha ha ha

Both were good. I liked the first one better, though. :rofl:

[ColesCountyDem]

23. LOL! n/t

:rofl: