No, you can't just "drop by" our house without notice

[Missy Vixen]

So, I'm old and cranky, but I do not like it when people we don't know well -- even family members -- think it's their perfect right to drop by with little to no notice.

My husband has an uncle who is three years older than he is (let's just say DH's grandpa was quite prolific). The uncle in question lives in Kauai, and is a passive-aggressive ass. Then again, that's an insult to asses everywhere. Robby is one of those kind of people who thinks it's our job to "help him out" at every opportunity, while not doing a damn thing for anyone else. Example: Robby has three kids, two of which are in their late teens. The last time we saw him, he was hinting around about "sending the kids to you for a month". After all, it would be "good for us". Yeah. We don't know these kids. We've met them three times. I just smiled and said, "Sure. What are you doing for us in return?" He sputtered a bit, I smiled again, and said, "If we wanted kids, we would have had some."

He's in town for some unknown reason. He called our house ten minutes ago to say that he's on his way here. He didn't ask if this would be okay, he just announced he was on his way over. On voice mail. DH isn't even home from work yet. The house is a mess. I have a class this evening. We are not in any condition to have anyone, especially family members who will expect to be fed, watered, and most likely stay overnight, here.

After a quick phone call, DH is meeting him elsewhere.

Does anyone else have family members like this? How did you handle it?

[cbayer]

1. I totally agree with you.

It's one of the delights of living on a boat. People never enter a boat without permission. If they "drop by" and knock on the side, I have no problem telling them that it is not a good time. Alternatively, sometimes I just pretend like I am not here.

:hi:

[arbusto_baboso]

2. Sounds like my in-laws.

No way to handle it except being firm and direct. When dealing with a passive-aggressive ass, it's the only thing that works. Otherwise, said ass will "interpret" things in a way that allows himself to be even MORE passive-aggressive.

[Kali]

3. I have a horrible rocky washed out 2 mile long dirt road.

They still do it. :mad:

then because this place has history and everybody and their pet toad has been here once in their lives they think that gives them carte blanche to come when ever they want. "Oh I used to know your, um dad? um, relative? um..." yeah real well - so well you know who I am (lived here 24 years now). Fuck off.

Old relatives are the worst. They feel free to not only "stop by" but walk around and poke into places that nobody would EVER do in town. ugh - and then because it IS the country way you have to visit with them and offer food too.

Bleh - New York City is a better place to hide from other humans than the sticks!

[MilesColtrane]

4. I suggest concertina wire, a moat, and dual mounted .50 calibers in towers...

sighted in on your perimeter.

[Missy Vixen]

21. If I thought I could do it, I would

I would not be sad if I never saw Robby again.

He's one of those kind of guys who ALWAYS has something up his sleeve, and right now is no exception. I'm wondering what it is he wants.

:eyes:

[Dappleganger]

5. And why are you answering the phone or the door?

You know you are under no obligation answer either of those.

[riderinthestorm]

7. Yup. That's what I do. Don't answer the door. Easy.

And if they arrive and I'm working in the barn, well, they simply have to either 1. wait for me (and I simply never finish. There's ALWAYS more work to do on a farm), or 2. help me. (That usually means a short visit as nobody is ever dressed to scrub troughs - my favorite chore to inflict on rude no-call drop-in visitors).

If they arrive and I'm in the house, I simply pull on boots and jacket and tell them I've got chores to do and they are welcome to come help or watch. Most won't. Horse manure, icky barn chores, HARD work, large difficult animals... most bow out of helping.

If they phone and I'm caught (I have caller ID and screen religiously but sometimes I'm caught unaware and ditzy), I just announce I have to go because the vet has arrived and I have to hold a horse that needs proud flesh cut off (or some similarly gruesome-sounding but really innocuous procedure). The convo usually ends squishily and quickly without anyone 1. wanting to come over and/or 2. expecting me to issue an invitation since I'm clearly "at work" (which YES, that's exactly the point!!)

Of course, I belong to The Old Curmudgeon Club and make no bones about it. So it comes easy for me now.

[csziggy]

15. I've used your chore excuse many times - and it DOES work!

Relatives don't show up anymore since I expect them to help me work.

It even worked on the IRS agent when we were audited. The nice lady showed up in a dress and heels on a July day in Florida. I'm in dirty sweaty Tshirt & shorts mucking out the barn. She didn't even want to shake hands with me. She was there to make sure we didn't have some tax write off hobby farm - I was the only person there taking care of twenty some odd horses. No problem and I've never been audited since.

It also works on Jehovah's Witnesses.

[Missy Vixen]

22. I'm taking that advice

My theory is that the place they're staying isn't to their liking, and they thought they'd just happen to stay overnight at our house instead. Without asking us first. I'm sure it's just a coincidence they happened to want to show up at dinner time, too.

We know people that are welcome at our house anytime. I would do anything for them, because they have shown themselves to be great friends and to love us. There are other people I can't wait to get away from. He's one of them.

[merh]

6. I have friends and relatives that come by uninvited.

I either don't answer the door or I greet them on the front porch while pushing my dogs back away from the door.

They get the message.

I'm just sorry I have to keep giving it and that they cannot figure out that you just don't by when they feel like it and expect to be entertained.

[undeterred]

8. My parents were known to drive hundreds of miles

to the home of a relative they rarely see and knock on their door with no warning. Of course they expected that person to drop everything. I find it incomprehensible.

[Shell Beau]

9. Ick Ick Ick!! My mother in law lives 8 hours away. She

is always welcome in my home, as she is the mother of my husband, BUT she won't let me know she plans on coming until she is either sitting in my driveway or an hour away. WITH NO NOTICE. Not cool. Not at all. It would be cool if she planned on stopping by to say hello, but no, it is always to stay a few days since she does live a good bit away. Give me some notice please. We do have lives. We always have to alter our plans majorly when she does this.


I feel your pain!

[ccinamon]

10. Don't alter your plans!

Just tell her, I wish you would have called 2 days ago then I could have rearranged my schedule. Feel free to watch tv while I'm at meeting/class/whatever you already planned. She MIGHT eventually get the idea.

[Missy Vixen]

23. Has it gotten worse since you had LDK?

It would be all I could do to not be camped out in your driveway for a glimpse of that little cutie. I'd like to believe I could show some manners, though. ;-)

[Shell Beau]

29. lol Thanks!! It has definitely gotten worse since LDK!!

Plus she used to live in West Virginia, so she didn't make the drive. BUT they have a small plane, so sometimes she even flies to my town. x( I definitely want LDK to know who she is, but I'd like some notice.

[PassingFair]

45. Luxury!

MY mother lives across the street and barges
into my house twice a day bellowing: "IS THE COFFEE SHOP OPEN?"

:crazy:

...and my husband works out of the house!

Between her shrieking and the dogs barking it's BEDLAM.

[EvolveOrConvolve]

54. Have you ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond"?

If not, then it might give you some solace.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

58. Lock the goddamn door! Turn up the radio so you can't hear her!

And don't answer it!!!

Problem solved. :D

[SeattleGirl]

11. My FIL is like that. But not with us anymore. Got a call one

Sunday that he and my MIL were on their way to my BIL's house, and so they were going to stop by my house first. A) It was Sunday, my usual fuddy day. B) My house was not in shape for company. C) MrSG was not home, and I didn't feel like doing a one-woman dog-and-pony show to entertain them. So, I told him that it was just not a good time.

They never did that again. I'm not saying I don't want them at my house or anything, but more than 15 minutes notice is my preference.

[quakerboy]

12. I have to admit, I am a drop-inner

I try to call ahead, but sometimes its convenient to make a stop, and right now most of them are only about 10 minutes off. And I would not do it if anyone made it clear I was not welcome. But everyone acts as though I am welcome. When I show up I generally am the person they vent to me or put me to work on the computers or something.

[Missy Vixen]

20. It sounds like the people in your life are happy to see you!

Isn't that a good feeling? Plus, they must also feel like it's okay if the house isn't perfect, dinner isn't ready, whatever.

We have some friends who live about a mile and a half from our house. We don't typically visit without calling them, just because we know they're busy. We stopped by about a month ago to bring them a bottle of wine, chatted for a few minutes, and left. They're ALWAYS welcome at our house. We've known them long enough to know they want to see us, not the house.

[quakerboy]

46. I would sure like to think so

When i was younger i mooched a bit more, but now's I gots a job, I try to hold up my end of the social interaction a bit more. And I definitely don't care how someones house is.

I care a little about how my house is, but generally speaking 5 minutes of warning is enough to get it in decent order. My wife gets annoyed, though. Trying to teach her that family is family, not some kind of fancy deal that you gotta clean up for, lest ye be judged. We don't have cat fur on every surface, nothing smells of rot, sex, or death, and the floor is visible in all pertinant areas. Good enough for a drop in, and if someone don't approve, well, that'll teach them to drop in, right?

Have I mentioned I believe in casual?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. It really doesn't bother me. Kind of like it actually. But, I would not like for it to be abused.

I live pretty far out so it does not happen very often.

[Skittles]

14. LOL, no one would DARE do that to me

EVER

[Missy Vixen]

24. You GO, girl

If they don't have manners, you will be teaching them some.

As you would say, "Yes, INDEED."

:woohoo:

[MiddleFingerMom]

16. Since you diverted that loser...

.
...I need a place to stay for the next month.
.
You know... "month" or so.
.
I like Sam Adams beer. I think it's rude when the host "runs out",
don't you?.
.
And if you have a porn collection, you might as well just show me
right away instead of making me find it while you're out somewhere.
.
See ya soon.
.
Thanks in advance.
.

[Missy Vixen]

25. MiddleFingerMom, just from the screen name, you sound like a fun houseguest!

So, what's your favorite kind of Sam Adams? I've never tried it, but I've heard great things about it.

LOL on the "porn collection".

If we really got bored, we could invite my right-wing-wacko SIL over for some laughs.

:rofl:

[murielm99]

17. I can remember my mother keeping a coat and hat

by the door. If someone dropped by without notice, she would greet them wearing the coat and hat, saying, "Oh, I was just leaving. You will have to come by another time. Please let me know ahead of time when you are coming over."

That worked pretty well. It did not work as well in the summer when no one wears coats and hats.

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

18. What an annoying guy!

This is not allowed in my house and my in-laws ALWAYS arrange days ahead of time if they are coming over to my house. I also live in an apartment building with an electric door so unless I ring them in, they can't get to my front door. If I'm not expecting anybody I don't answer the door.

This clown you are dealing with needs some serious boundary lessons.

[Missy Vixen]

26. It's not boundary lessons so much

as it is I knew a long time ago what he is; my husband hasn't quite figured it out yet. I wonder if he ever will.

I am thinking of you. :hug:

[One_Life_To_Give]

19. Only if they expect to be put to work

If I didn't send an invitation, don't expect the house to be clean. And figure you are likely to have to make dinner and/or get your own coffee etc.

Usually everyone gives a call ahead to see if it's alright to stop by. But my family is also informal about such things as well. Might come for a visit and bring dinner too.

[Blue-Jay]

27. I do the "drop by" with my FIL occasionally.

He's old and enjoys the company.

Me? I don't mind a "drop by" unless I'm still in my pajamas.

[mulsh]

28. not any more

My problem is the ones my wife and I would love to have "drop by' under any circumstances will never do so. We have a couple of good friends and her parents who are always welcome and always fun to hang out with.

All of my west coast relative with the exception of my twin brother are dead. He has a key to our house but he'll call first since he lives about 100 miles away. He never just shows up.

I have a couple of friends who used to just show up at my place when I was single. I haven't seen either of them at my front door since we bought our house 12 years ago and somehow failed to give them our new address. Ever. One of them calls every now & then but if we get together it's at a restaurant across town (Oakland)or in Berkeley. The closest these bozos get is an e-mail address.

[hippywife]

30. My parents from the first I moved out

refused to ever stop by without notice. They were always afraid of what they were going to walk in on. :rofl:

[Missy Vixen]

33. Now, there you go

Maybe I should have told them that we were having a Tupperware/Partylite/Pampered Chef/sex toys event, and they were more than welcome to purchase several hundred dollars worth of merchandise.

:woohoo:

[hippywife]

34. Well we did have our wild days

and my parents didn't want to know what all was going on. What they didn't know couldn't hurt them. ;)

[Iggo]

31. Call first.

Not to tell me that you're coming over.

Call first, to ASK if you can come over.

Basic drug dealer rules that also work in the normal world.

[LeftyMom]

32. Repeat after me: "I'm terribly sorry, we were on our way out the door for the night.

We'd have loved to visit, please call ahead next time so we can make sure we're free."

Repeat as needed.

[caitxrawks]

35. the only people i drop by to see without notice are my grandparents.

But it's a tradition in our family. Her house has always been open to everyone, family or not. I lived next to her for 18 years of my life, and her house was like an extension of mine. We came and went as we pleased.

I can't imagine doing that to anyone else LOL!

[msanthrope]

36. My MIL dropped in on me and DH having sex.

She would constantly drop by, and no hint ever got to her. Heck, me telling her to cut it out never worked.

One day she knocked and knocked, and we didn't answer. We were in the afterglow, and decided to ignore her.

She went away, we started up again and she let herself in with the key she had taken from our key rack on one of her visits.

Made me wonder how many times she'd been in the house with us knowing.

[Missy Vixen]

37. I have one question, no, two

1. What was her reaction when she discovered you were otherwise engaged?

2. Did you change the locks while the smell of burning tire rubber was still hanging in the air?

I thought I had problems. Using the key she liberated off your key rack and walking into your house without permission? The cops would be called, family member or not.

IMHO.

[Iggo]

38. 3rd question, if you don't mind.

How'd you get the okay for a Designated Hitter?

Nice going!

[msanthrope]

48. I've done the American League. n/t

[msanthrope]

47. In answer to your questions....

1) Feigned poutrage.

2) Yes. Took the locks to Lowe's while hubby stayed in apartment, had them rekeyed within an hour of.

[Broken_Hero]

39. I kinda have that issue, but

I don't mind the family/in-laws coming over, but I wish their timing was better.

I swear to the Gods, that my sister/brother in law show up at JUST the wrong time. Either my wife and I had a fight, or disagreement, or we are just bushwacked, then "knock knock knock"...

I swear my sister in law picks every bad time to come over, I swear, I'm not lying...99 times out of a 100 visits, the timing was horrendous.

I almost always call first, before going over to friends/family, and I "ask" to come over, I just don't state, "hey bub I'm coming over, hide your brews", I always ask if its a good time to come over to visit.

I wish my inlaws would call before just showing up with their kids, its rather tiresome...their timing is just so horrendous, its like the minute my wife and are in bad spirits, they have the novel idea of coming over to shoot the breeze...

[pitohui]

40. i handle it by pretending i'm not at home

even when my car is there, i can get away w. it because i'm known to be an eccentric who actually goes for long walks

[blueamy66]

41. I don't have a house phone,

keep the garage door shut and the doors locked.

If I'm not expecting someone, I just don't answer the door.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

42. meh. its in our culture to drop by and visit with little to no notice. i am usually fine with me

out of a week, i have guests for dinner at least 3 times. sometimes more.

sure, i work a lot and don't have that much privacy, but i have very close friends and will never be lonely. its a trade off.

Not to say that your husbands uncle does not soudn irritating, cos he does. sorry, you have to deal with him.

[tblue]

43. Tell him you're ill and not up for a houseguest at this time.

You don't have to host him. If it's practical and you want to do it, you could offer to put him in a motel for a couple nights. That's plenty. You don't want this to become a habit, so nip it in the bud.

I'm sorry. I have a bil who is 12 years older than me and thinks I'm his mama -- that I should take care of him, clean up after him, feed him. Don't mean to sound uncaring. But my whole family has done so much for this dude, and finally I'm realizing there's no end to it, and there's been no reciprocation whatsoever.

[Arctic Dave]

44. I guess I'm the only one who doesn't mind people dropping in on me.

I must be used to it. I have come home to find people in the hot tub waiting for me to get home.

[Missy Vixen]

52. ArcticDave, you must be a very popular man!

As someone else posted above, there are people we LOVE to drop in on us, but they typically call first to make sure we're home (and dressed, LOL).

I hope the hot tub is the perfect temp, the beer never runs out, and you always have great friends around!

[BlueIris]

49. Who would do that? Seriously?

Some not-so-nice adjectives come to mind after reading about your relative's behavior. "Entitlement mentality," "narcissistic," and "abhorrent" are among them.

[Missy Vixen]

51. BI, you are the woman.

>"Entitlement mentality," "narcissistic," and "abhorrent" are among them.<

I hope you never, ever have to spend ten minutes with the vast majority that make up DH's family, especially this guy. After all, who just "drops in" on someone else at dinnertime, and without notice?

:eyes:

[Missy Vixen]

50. Update. After all, everyone needs a good laugh, don't they?

So, my husband met Robby, his wife and their daughter for pizza the other night, and Robby's up to his usual tricks.

I asked my husband who footed the bill. "Oh, we split it." Yeah. I know how much came out of the checking account. My husband paid the majority of the bill. I'm sure Robby offered to "leave the tip".

DH's birthday is tomorrow. Robby thinks it would be a "great idea" if the entire family goes out to dinner to "celebrate". Every time we've attempted to have dinner with the family, we are expected to foot the bill. We can't afford to spend a couple of hundred dollars feeding and watering. The last time the entire family came to our house for dinner, the dietary restrictions, who's fighting with whom, etcetera -- oh, God. I'd rather be dragged buck naked over broken glass.

We decided it's best to have pie and ice cream at a local park with whomever would like to show up. We haven't notified Robby of this decision yet.

Here's the best part: Robby told my husband Tuesday night, "Oh, I'll call _____________ (my real name) and get this all set up. It'll be great!" It's Thursday morning, and I'm still waiting for a phone call. That phone call will come fifteen minutes before Robby believes we're footing the bill for he and his family to "celebrate" my husband's birthday, which he's never shown any interest in over our sixteen-year marriage.

It's pretty obvious he is either a) spoiling for a loan, or b) wants something else.

I HATE users.

:mad:

[rcrush]

53. I've never been afraid to tell family members they are not welcome.

Probably why I don't talk to my family anymore. But I never really wanted to in the first place so its a win win for me.

[datasuspect]

55. blood's thicker than mud

it's a family affair:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YZpbYqOw4o

but we're some down-ass motherfuckers who look out for each other. that's what family is for.

shit, friends and family are always welcome.

[Sheltiemama]

56. I don't answer the door.

Just because a doorbell rings does not mean you have to answer it. I learned this from my grandmother. I feel the same way about phones.

[Digit]

57. I had a neighbor that used to do that to me...and just WALK IN!

The last straw was when she sent her trailer trash grand-daughter over because 'she needed to speak to her daughter'. The grand-daughter was about 5-6 years younger than my daughter and proceeded to trash my daughter's room and jump on her bed (which messed up the springs). I told my neighbor that she needed to ask me first in the future and the bitch hasn't spoken to me for 13 years.

Can you believe a person who is not even family and who you barely know would just open a shut door and walk in? Maybe it is a southern thing, but good riddance!

I don't even condone family doing it...they need to ask first and be considerate.

Edited to say I have nothing against trailers, just trashy uncouth people.