What is this about? A question for... anyone.

[RainDog]

okay, I have this situation that's not a situation at all but I want some input because this man is really confusing to me and I thought the "wisdom of crowds" might help me deal with this... whatever it is.

hope that's perfectly clear.

oh yeah, the what-

So, I've been acquainted with this man for a while. He intro'd himself to me, used to ask me to watch him play some music with people and was very friendly.

I didn't know if he was married or not. I never really assume someone is being anything other than friendly but this guy was friendly in a "particular way," or maybe that's just how my percolating hormones saw it.

So I went to one of his gigs. His wife was there. so, yeah, he's married.

so, I just acted like I didn't know him from Adam because said wife was sitting behind me and my friends.

then this group took a break and this man sat with his wife who was in a booth but put his legs across the aisle straight out pointing to me, which, if body language means anything, I thought that mean he was saying...whatever it means if you stretch your legs out toward someone and look at them when that person is trying to pretend she doesn't know you're doing this.

he stood right behind me talking to some other people and I just pretended like I didn't know he was there... what was I supposed to do?

then the show was over and my friends and I were leaving so he came back into the room and stood there and stared. at me. and didn't move. just stood there in the middle of this room. and he's staring at me. and I'm staring back thinking, why in the f did you ask me to come hear you perform while being all flirty about it and then that whole thing.

so then I tried to ignore him after that.

If he was in the same place as me, I would go somewhere else. And I would ignore him if I saw him... and then I was working today and saw he was around so I pretended I didn't know he was there and wouldn't look over where he was and then he came and stood on the other side of this shelf so that I would have to see him, so then I said some lame.. oh, I didn't recognize you... which he also probably knew was a lie.

and if he sees me when I'm walking across the street he just stares and puts on his sun glasses and I just stare back because.. he's staring at me... okay, well, I'm really looking back and not backing down because I want to say.. why the f are you doing this when you're married...

and the reason this bothers me is that there aren't that many men who make me thing I would like to hump his leg like a little doggie, but this guy is one.

and this bothers me because, try as I might to think bad things about him to make me not have this... feeling when he's around, I do. still. after a couple of years of this shit!

so, is he just getting his jollies at my expense because he knows he bothers me?

or if I said... put up or stop staring (ha... as if I would ever say that ever, but it makes me sound braver than I am) would he say.. what took you so long? (no one should probably tell me this is the situation, btw, for my own well being....)

or... what?

this really drives me crazy and I haven't figured out a way to deal with it that doesn't make me feel like I need to take numerous hot showers.. with a shower massage head... with candles... and.. lol.

help!

[RainDog]

1. okay, so from this feedback

you all are saying, unanimously, that the next time the guy tries to get my attention, I should grab his crotch and ask him if he wants to do anything other than stare?

am I hearing that right?

[taterguy]

2. If he's married stay away

But that's just my opinion, and I could be wrong

[RainDog]

3. oh, most definitely.

but how do I get him out of mind?!?!

how do you make yourself not have a reaction to someone? I've tried. really.

do you think he's just teasing me? or is he testing me?

[Tom_Foolery]

9. Getting someone out your head is rough...

The way I did it was to just think of other things and take one day at a time. I know it sounds simplistic, but there is no magic spell that will make it all go away.

[Shell Beau]

10. There is always Matthew McConaughey. Just sayin'.

[Tom_Foolery]

12. Hey! That's one way to do it.

[RainDog]

35. okay, well here's another weird thing about me

people who are famous and hotties - just don't do it for me.

probably because they would run the other direction if I were around. :(

except, when I was a teenager, I had safe crushes on dead people. they had to be about 200 years dead for it to really work.

you know who I have had crushes on? long ago -- but they were alive?

Andre Previn. Richard Feynman. Atticus Finch (okay, he's not real, but Gregory Peck was.) there's a trend there, btw. probably no longer holds, except in this case....

THAT'S probably the problem right there. this guy gets to my "ur" crush.

[Shell Beau]

45. That does suck, but give yourself more credit than you do.

Someone you find a hottie obviously felt the same about you. He was just the wrong guy for the time. There are other hotties out there for you. And they aren't all taken.

[redqueen]

44. Think about his wife.

And his kids.

That'd sure turn me off, anyway.

[RainDog]

47. the thing is

I don't really think I would ever be in a situation to have to worry about this.

the part that bugs me is that I feel embarrassed around him. Like he knows something about me I don't want him to know.

I also doubt I'd ever have the nerve to do anything. I least I hope I wouldn't have the nerve.

but then there's that other part of me...

that mostly just says but doesn't do, as far as this sort of thing goes.

I want the feeling to stop.

Or, maybe more to the point, I don't want to feel embarrassed around him because he's teasing me. or whatever it is, but I'll go with teasing now that the Dr. has weighed in and we all know the Dr. is sort of like a god to me.

[redqueen]

49. I wouldn't feel embarrassed so much as disgusted.

The guy's got some serious issues, and I doubt his wife would find his little games amusing.

[RainDog]

50. I think a lot of married people flirt

some more so than others. I think it's harmless. it's not done with an intent or goal, other than to increase the general warm fuzziness in the world.

it's something to take home, you know... hi honey I'm home. let me find an acceptable outlet for all that internet porn... that sort of thing.

(except internet porn doesn't do it for me.)

so I don't know if that indicates serious issues.

maybe he just likes a lot of attention and if someone ignores him it just eggs him on. how the hell do I know.

or maybe I should say... I'm from the south and flirting is sort of just a way to make people feel good - I say that b/c the people I flirt with THE MOST are the ones I would never have any sort of relationship *like that* with -- like really, really old men. I mean that as a way of sort of being friendly but it's not creepy, if that makes sense. maybe you have to be there.

maybe that's what bugs me. I feel embarrassed around him so I don't flirt.

and watch. now that I've said something about this, I'll never see him again, after figuring out some maybe semi-catchy smart ass things to do (or not do) and laughing at my own stupid percolating hormones and reaching out to you fine folks who can help me laugh at myself and the silliness of life.

[redqueen]

53. Sure... but like you said, that's in a playful way.

With people with which they don't really want any relationship *like that*, as you said.

I'm from the south too and I know just what you're talking about... maybe I'm just getting the wrong impression from what I'm reading, but this sounds super messed up to me. (On his part, not yours... you're not married, you're just horny. :P)

Anyway I dunno... this just seems different to me than that playful flirting... this is going on between two people with chemistry, and that just raises all kinds of red flags to me. If he's not careful he may end up playing these games with a bunny boiler one day... and sadly it won't just be him that gets hurt.

[RainDog]

54. lol

whew! glad no one around here thinks I'm a bunny boiler!

and, of course I'm not horny. I'm a female. I would never have those sorts of feelings. i wish, in this case

but yeah, it seems different to me, too. when I first met him that's how I was but then after the thing at that club, it did seem too f'ed up for me.

he brought these people to meet me... another long story.

obviously I need a blow up Richard Feynman doll.

[Shell Beau]

4. lol!! That is it!! The right move.

[RainDog]

5. if I only have the nerve...

except I wouldn't be mean about it.

:smoke:

[Shell Beau]

6. Yikes! Sounds like he is a player.

Sucks that he kinda-sorta led you to believe he was single. The only thing I can say is to stay far far away from him. He would hurt you even if he weren't married if that is the kinda guy he is. I don't know how to get your mind off of him. Maybe he and his wife have an open relationship? Maybe he is just an ass. Either way, it spells doom for you. Sorry. Ick, what a terrible situation.

[RainDog]

18. the thing is

I could have found out all sorts of things about him. he gave me his biz card with all sorts of things, is a sort of semi-public person - but I didn't bother to find out anything about him because at first I just thought he was being friendly, but then it seemed like he was sort of "extra-friendly."

oh, and here's another weird thing. one day I was talking to this woman about some of my personal biz and the guy stood over to the side, like he didn't know I knew he was there, pretending to look at something like he was trying to hear what we were saying!

I thought that was strange.

wtf does he care what I'm talking to that woman about?

[Shell Beau]

21. There is obviously an attraction there on both parts.

He must be interested. But, the red flags are there. They are blowing hard in the wind. There is no good advice because nothing anyone says will get your mind off of him. Avoid him as best you can. He will soon be a distant memory. At the same time, be flattered that someone you find attractive feels the same. Sucks that he is taken. Be glad you aren't his wife.

[Tom_Foolery]

22. Excellent advice!!

[Tom_Foolery]

7. You're the only one who knows how much you can handle emotionally...

But take it from a man who made the mistake of falling in love with a married woman: If you're a sensitive person, don't do it. Getting involved with a married person is a long and exhausting road to travel, and it usually ends badly.

[RainDog]

11. this is lust. not love

I am not kidding myself that this is something other than that.

but sometimes I think... I don't want to get married. I don't want to have some big involved relationship and have to meet the kids, etc.

(oh and in between this, I met one of his kids because the work I was doing at the U. was where this kid was... who I'd never heard of before... and I didn't say anything to the kid or the dad, for that matter. I felt better to know his kid was a sweet little geek... for some reason.)

and I think... how many people do you have this insane chemistry with? for him, maybe everyone he sees. not me.

that's what's tempting about it. but reality would not be so great, I'm sure. at the same time...

ooooooooh. it's horrible to have that feeling about someone and not be able to do anything about it!!!!

[Tom_Foolery]

15. Mine started as lust, too...

But it turned to love when I started believing that she loved me, too. All I'm saying is be careful.

[kayakjohnny]

8. Holy f-ing crap! What a crazy-ass post!

Being with no one would have to be better than continuing this along. You seem to be getting played or something. Maybe there is something deeper that I don't see, but this is f'd.

I'd certainly try to think a little better of myself and go find someone else. Or no one else. Either one would be better than this weird ass, psycho of a story.

Sorry to say it like that, but this can not possibly have a happy ending. Already too many dicey sketchy unsavory clues.

If something bad happens, it's definitely your fault.

Unless, of course, you're scamming us. In that case, kudos on your fiction writing skills.

Cheers.

[RainDog]

13. weird ass psycho story?

crazy-ass post?

what, you don't have a history of talking to your friends on the phone analyzing what the fuck someone is doing? :)

I really tried to make the story very tame.

There's more to tell about this but it would sound even weirder.

I don't want to "be" with him. (ifyouknowthedifferenceinwhatimean.)

I just need to find a way to stop wanting to... do things to him when I see him and I don't know how to make those ideas stop!

[pitohui]

17. raindog, as erica jong said, new love drives out the old

the way to stop the fantasies is to do it bigger and better w somebody else

[Tom_Foolery]

19. Good advice...

But make sure that the "somebody else" isn't married.

[kayakjohnny]

20. Well, like I said... sorry to put it that way. I figured my over reaction might be beneficial

to you in showing how bad this whole idea could be. People get killed and hurt and taken to court and fined and ruined over stuff like this. All the time. Crimes of passion are still crimes.

I understand your basic biological needs and laws of attraction. I didn't mean to be quite that harsh. I would only hope someone would be just that harsh to me if I were thinking of pursuing this along. I'd want to be slapped out of my delusion or illusion or whatever it was, in the name of common sense.

But you don't have to listen to me or anyone else. Follow your heart, and your experience. And please, for goodness sake... let us know how this turns out. It is a common experience in the lives of people from all over the world. As I see it, anyway.

Cheers.

[RainDog]

25. oh no, you're okay

I was just sort of teasing you for teasing me (at least I hoped you were teasing!!) :)

the thing is, I think he's teasing me. I think he's just getting a little ego boost because he knows he bothers me. I think he's all "talk" - as in "eye talk."

so, one time, I... oh nevermind. you'd think I was really crazy ass if I told you that... lol.

let's just say that when I thought he was just jerking me around, I decided two could do that... while pretending you weren't doing that.

maybe I'm just bored.

[kayakjohnny]

28. Ah... gotcha.....

Now I have a little perspective.

Listen... what are you doing next Friday evening?
















(Kidding, just kidding. I'm a kidder)

[RainDog]

33. lol.

I have a hot date with my shower head massage.

if I don't get this man out of my mental pants.

[pitohui]

14. just don't ever get involved w. a musician, life is too short

if you want an unhappy life, be a musician or fuck a musician or marry a musician

if you want drama, obv. the dude knows you're into him, and you're into him, so...if you want drama do the wild thing w. the creep and if you want peace and tranquility don't go places any more where you'll encounter the guy

you're a grown up you already know this "stuff"

the best way to get anyone out of yr head is to have good sex w. SOMEBODY ELSE

agn, you're an adult, you know this, listen to yr heart

not that we don't enjoy following yr story, in fact, if there's another chapter, feel free to post :evilgrin:

[flvegan]

16. Never fails to entertain. n/t

[RainDog]

23. I don't go where he is

I did that ONE time. he comes to where I am. I cannot avoid him if he chooses to be where I am. I can limit my contact but not avoid him totally.

he's not a f/t musician, btw. that's just for fun.

I did date a musician for a while and, yeah, after a while it's no fun to have to spend evenings hearing the same sets, etc. and also not be able to go other places b/c of those evening gigs.

but, the thing is, I didn't want to be "serious" about anyone so he was just fine for me. I had just gotten a divorce and there was no way I wanted to feel like I had to see someone because I wanted a long-term relationship. but a girl has... needs, you know, and well, he knew, I thought, that I didn't want anything serious. but then he tried to make me talk to his sister on the phone and drive across a few states to meet his family and I was like... nooooooooo.

still we went out for a few years and when I tried to stop seeing him, he kept calling until I had to be sort of rude. but we're still friends. he even asked me to come by to hear him play not too long ago.

but I don't go out anywhere anymore so that was no biggie and I don't want a friends with bennies thing.

yes, I am a grown up. Do you really think grown ups act in their best interests all the time when someone makes them so... uncomfy they can't talk to them like some joe blow whoever?

I WISH I could do this.

I would be all for having great sex with someone else, or even a half-way real "relationship" but I don't know anyone else who gets to me like this.

and I'm not going out looking for anyone, either because that's just too complicated.

here's another little part of the story. this other man who knows this guy apparently decided he wanted to ask me out. I've also known him for a while. so, in my infinite wisdom, I told him about how f-ed up I have decided I am, in terms of relationships, and... I swear I think I ran him off.

sort of on purpose because I like the guy and would feel sorry for him if we had a relationship.

lol.

[TZ]

56. Nice stereotyping there.

FWIW, my mother has been happily married to a drummer for 13 years now. And I'm friends with numerous other musicians. Just because YOU had a bad experience with a musician doesn't mean they are all jerks.

[Dr. Strange]

24. Hmmm....

I never really assume someone is being anything other than friendly but this guy was friendly in a "particular way," or maybe that's just how my percolating hormones saw it.

Let's talk some more about these "percolating hormones." :evilgrin:

My suspicion (based upon my vast worldly experience that one often has growing up in a fundamentalist home) is that he's getting off on the excitement of flirting. As some guy on the Simpsons once said, anticipation of the deed is more exciting than the deed. (By "deed" we are, of course, referring to getting your Midlo on.) I say take the advice given by that freak back in post #1 and grab some crotch. But I wouldn't expect anything meaningful to develop. In fact, if the wife finds out, it will be a mess.

Or maybe have BeachBaby grab the guy's crotch--she can work wonders.

And then join Facebook, 'cause we're running out of things to discuss in the "Let's Talk About RainDog Behind Her Back" group.

[flvegan]

26. Oh, right dumbass. Tell RainDog about the "...Talk About Raindog..." group.

I buy you books, I pack your lunch, I send you to school...and you eat the books.

[Dr. Strange]

27. Correct me if I'm wrong...

but isn't the first rule of the "Let's Talk About RainDog Behind Her Back" group that it's okay to tell RainDog about the "Let's Talk About RainDog Behind Her Back" group?

I buy you books,
I pack your lunch,
I send you to school...
and you eat the books.

WTF is that? Vegan poetry? It sucks.

[flvegan]

29. You lost your manual, didn't you?

No, the FIRST rule is keep Midlo's wine glass full because she's violent when she's sober.

Jesus. And if I was posting shitty poetry, I have a Facebook group to do that in.

[RainDog]

36. you guys are scary

and THAT'S why I don't join your fb group. you'd probably all have me shaving my head and singing krishnakrishna on the street corner in a week.

[flvegan]

37. Well, close

not your head, and "Singin' in the Rain"

[RainDog]

40. OMG

I'm tellllllling!!!!!

[RainDog]

31. woohoo!

permission to grab crotch!

yes sir! :patriot:

I think I'll call out "atten-hut!" as I do. it would probably be a new experience for him. lol.

no way I'm gonna let beach baby grab his crotch. if there is ANY extra-marital crotch grabbing, I take it upon myself to sacrifice for the cause. whatever that is.

did you really grow up in fundie land?

I assumed you were catholic or jewish or whatever - whatever, really. I honestly assumed you were whatever.

it's amazing that we get along so well. i'm all about the catholic and jewish boys. actually, I don't ask for affiliations or past experiences but seems like that's who always gets me saying and doing things I know better than to do.

but.. you're a homie!

[Dr. Strange]

34. Calm down!

I think I'll call out "atten-hut!" as I do. it would probably be a new experience for him. lol.

no way I'm gonna let beach baby grab his crotch. if there is ANY extra-marital crotch grabbing, I take it upon myself to sacrifice for the cause. whatever that is.

$5 says if you did that, he'd run away crying. I doubt he wants anything to happen.
Of course, I could be wrong.

did you really grow up in fundie land?

Yeah, me and BeachBaby have strikingly similar backgrounds. Except for the different genitalial fixtures.

I assumed you were catholic or jewish or whatever - whatever, really. I honestly assumed you were whatever.

Grew up fundamentalist whatever, now I'm more orthodox whatever.

it's amazing that we get along so well. i'm all about the catholic and jewish boys. actually, I don't ask for affiliations or past experiences but seems like that's who always gets me saying and doing things I know better than to do.

It's probably the circumcisions.

but.. you're a homie!

No, I like women. Who told you I was a homie? Was it racaulk? Damn, he needs to keep his mouth shut!

[RainDog]

38. so you're saying he's all about the tease.

you know, if someone grabbed my crotch, I'd run away too (that's for future reference in case we're ever in the same room, btw)

hmmm, *I* have a strikingly similar background too. maybe we were all separated at birth and DU is an invention by an evil overlord who has been experimenting with us to see if we'll bond or try to sell one another on the street for fifty cents.

(I DID ask for a dollar but times are hard out there.)

beach baby is much cuter and hotter than me, tho. I may have a little bit of residual hotness, but nothing to write home about. you, of course, are the hottest of the hot. sssssssssssssss.

oh and pssssst. catholic boys who aren't from the U.S. keep the flip top. they don't go with the full convertible.

and you know, Dr Strange, I like you even if you are a homie. some of my best friends are homies.

so, since it's all just a big tease, does that mean I have permission to tease back? all this time I've been trying to behave, mostly. now you're telling me the teasing gloves are off?!?!?!?!

woohoo!! where's my underwire! no sports bras for playas. lol.

[Dr. Strange]

42. Tease away.

But take care of yourself! Don't get in any Jerry Springer situations.

[RainDog]

46. by jove I think he's got it!

you know, honestly, if he is getting his occasional jollies jerking me around, I should do the same.

if only I were that brave.

I'll have to do some stealth teasing. if I can figure out what that means.

because it does make me uncomfortable. one time I was at this thing to watch my kid perform and he was there too. I was sitting with my other kid. sooooo, this guy gets up and starts talking to people before the performance and makes sure he is standing right in front of me. so I don't look there. but I see he's looking at me. he could have stood elsewhere. he knew I was trying not to see him.

and then, he sat down (in this more than half-empty place... this was a fundraiser event) right at the end of where I was sitting so that when my son and I got up to leave (we weren't staying for the whole thing, just my son's performance) I had to make him move out of the way.

but, Dr. Strange/Watson/Holmes... you're saying that if I called him on this he would back off?

[Dr. Strange]

55. I suspect he would back off.

I think he just likes the thrill of the chase.
But remember, I got my psychiatry degree from the University of Midlo, so it's probably not worth anything.

[demmiblue]

30. Wife AND kids.

And you met one of their kids? Get over it!

P.S. he is a douche bag that is probably only looking for...

[RainDog]

32. what makes you think I'm looking for...

something he's not?

I'm not looking for it, actually. it just keeps putting itself in front of me. lol.

yes, we're not children anymore. either of us. both have children in college.

not quite the same as little tots wandering the hallways, but, as I said, I'm not talking about love. I would never kid myself to think that, if the opportunity arose to see if he realllllly can kiss like his eyes tell me he can, it would be anything other than lust.

the funny thing is that I have never messed around with a married man, never was unfaithful when I was married...

all around this is not anything other than lust. that doesn't mean it's not HUGELY distracting and TERRIBLY frustrating.

I want to have some "off" switch. I keep looking around for it but all I find is the "on" one. lol.

sorry, just teasing. I have to make fun of myself b/c this is so weird.

[kayakjohnny]

39. Actually, not weird at all. You are probably as normal in this whole thing as a very high percentage

of other people in the same position.

(I didn't mean to say position, btw)

[demmiblue]

41. Thanks... it really feels good to be the stooge.

Especially from certain DUers that I always respected.

[RainDog]

43. stooge? I don't understand what you're saying

stooge?

if anyone is the stooge here, it's me.

a freaking idiot.

why do you think you're being played for a stooge?

...you're not...

oh no, you're not... the person I'm talking about, are you? ;)

[kimi]

48. Lust is natural and normal

and when we've been without an outlet for awhile, it gets almost unbearable. (Okay, maybe I'm projecting, but still . . .) And love can have a lot or very little to do with it. My solution? - I fantasize. Oh, my goodness, my triple X rated fantasies - mmmm. (But they ARE tastefully fantasized.) I feel for ya - but this guy sounds like trouble, he sounds like he's really getting off on your turmoil over the whole thing. And his being married - double and triple trouble, for you and his wife. I sympathize, I really do, cause he sounds like he knows the buttons to push, and it sounds like he's pushed many of them before. I understand your feelings, it's hard to restrain them, I know. Really, best of luck with this situation, and take care.

[RainDog]

51. and this is the post...

where we all express our thanks if we do not live in Alabama.

...in light of recent legal rulings there. :)

[MissMarple]

52. Dysfunctional, way too coy....put him the avoid column. Please.

I'd say the same thing to my kids.

[TZ]

57. Its the forbidden fruit/fantasy thing going with him

I think Dr. Strange is actually right (!) that if you did do anything like grab his crotch he'd go running for his mommy.
He may not even be aware of how he is acting towards you, even. I think the best thing to do, is totally ignore it and him.