If You Know You've Found "The One" - How Long Should You Wait Before...

[THUNDER HANDS]

Poll question: If You Know You've Found "The One" - How Long Should You Wait Before...

You propose marriage?

What would you say is an appropriate amount of time?

[GOPisEvil]

1. I always say that I would know inside 6 months.

The answer though is: you will know when the time is right. There is no "right time" chart to go by. One day, you'll just know.

Of course...I've never really had the opportunity to put my theory to the test, but still...it's a nice theory, and it's mine.

[greeneyedpookie]

2. I am so

happy for you Magic Rat. I found my "The One" back in Sept. He told me in Oct. that he knew that we were going to be married. We finally 2 weeks ago got the token of the engagement. You will know when the time is right. If you feel like it is now, then do what your heart says!

GEP

:bounce:

[THUNDER HANDS]

5. well...I'm more asking this in an anniversary sense

Do you wait until it's like a 1-year anniversary or something like that - or just pop the question out of the blue whenever you feel like it?

What did your guy do?

[greeneyedpookie]

11. My guy

Just said it one night when we were laying in bed talking. We have only been together almost 7 months now. If you want to be formal and traditional, then waiting for a specific date and time to do it on an anniversary date would be nice, on the other hand, how is your girl like? Does she like tradition or is she more into spontaneous acts?

GEP

:bounce:

[hippiechick]

3. Once ya buy it, it's yours to keep ....

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER
get so googly-assed stupid in lust with someone that you consider the M-word.


:hippie:

[zanana]

13. Gee, hippiechick.

How about a year?

[hippiechick]

17. after a year its time to trade him in for a newer model ....

Can you tell I'm just a little bit committment phobic ? :silly:

[HuckleB]

64. Commitment RULES!

If you've found the right partner, that is.

I was totally commitment phobic, figuring I would never think about marriage until my thirties, if ever. And, at that time, my thirties seemed like forever away.

Then the right partner happened to cross my path.

So much for the best laid plans. So much for phobias. All gone. Poof!

[Fleshdancer]

4. do what feels most comfortable

I hate to put rules on things like this. My husband and I discussed the subject for a long time before he *officially* popped the question. But he asked when we both knew we were ready and we both knew the other person wanted to get married.

[bearfartinthewoods]

6. get to know his/her parents/siblings

knowing the people who trained him/her and how they interact will teach you a lot. not just a visit...prolonged exposure of sufficient
duration to see what happens when people stop being polite.

if there is one or two little things that bug you, concentrate on your feelings about how you feel about the things and how you will feel about them in ten years because you have a better chance of changing how you react than those "little things".

i won't say people don't change but i will say the change is not usually for the good.

[VelmaD]

7. Wait til you can't stand it anymore...

and then wait some more. And then...wait and think and wait.

Seriously. I know you're all "in love" right now but it takes time to really get to know someone and figure out if you're compatible for life. I was with someone for 10 years that I ended up seperating from because we weren't right for each other in the end. That would have been MUCH more difficult if we had been married.

[SarahB]

8. I'd say a year

And then be engaged for at least a year. I was very young and I'm clouded by disillusion right now perhaps, but my husband proposed about 9 months into our relationship and because of our carelessness that evening, our engagement turned into a month when I would have prefered to wait a couple years. Just be careful all the time and don't push her into anything she isn't ready for.

[matcom]

9. 9 - 12 minutes

:P

[elfwitch]

10. True story for you...

I met my husband for the first time in late November of 1997. By February of 1998 he hadn't been back to his own apartment in so long he didn't know that the power and the phone had been turned off. By April we both ditched our one bedroom apartments and got a two bedroom. We got married in early November 1998. We got married less than a year from the day we met.

I knew as early as February that this was the guy that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He says he felt that way at about the same time too. I'm pretty sure that if he had asked me to marry him that soon, I would have done it.

In 6 years of being together and in 5 years of marriage, we have never had a fight. He is for me and I am for him. We are bashert.
According to the Talmud, Rav Yehuda taught that 40 days before a male child is conceived, a voice from heaven announces whose daughter he is going to marry, literally a match made in heaven! In Yiddish, this perfect match is called "bashert," a word meaning fate or destiny. Nevertheless, the idea has a strong hold within the Jewish community: look at any listing of Jewish personal ads and you're bound to find someone "Looking for my bashert."

To quote "When Harry Met Sally": When you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of you life to start as soon as possible.

So finally, to answer your question, you should propose as soon as you know that you want to propose. Do it NOW! Don't wait.

I also don't believe in long engagements. If you want to marry someone, get it over with. If you are saving up for the big party save up and have it. But don't wait to get married. If you found your bashert, you should make it permanent as soon as you can.

[SarahB]

15. What if you never experience that?

I, honestly, have had only one time in my life where I felt some whirlwind type of thing where everything "clicked" like that and the timing was so off that all I did was fight my feelings at first. When I finally gave in to my feelings because the words and actions of the other person indicated to me they felt the same way, I found out they fall for about every woman who so much as speaks to them, I'm not worth the emotional risk, and I'm about as special to them as dryer lint.

I felt pushed into marriage and I had a couple of decent prior relationships that lasted awhile even though I was young, but it almost always takes forever (if ever) to trust anyone to feel much of anything. I can't see having any trust left for anyone to ever experience anything like this.

Sorry for my rant. I'm just a little jealous I guess.

[elfwitch]

18. Sorry for you bad experiences...

I don't know if this will make you feel any better or not but here goes...

My hubby was not my first experiment in relationships. I lived with a boyfriend for five years. The firs two years were great. The last three were not. My self-esteem was ruined by this guy. I was sick all the time. I was on anti-depressants for 2 years. All in all it was bad for me. After that experience I pretty much vowed that I would only USE men for my own selfish desires. I would trade sex for nice stuff (dinners, trips, concert tickets, etc.). Yes, I decided to become sort of a whore. I didn't want to have to deal with a man ever living in my house again. I figured there were plenty of men that I knew for many years that would be willing to get in to this kind of arrangement with me. Hell, I dated my best friend from college for about 6 months after I left the 5 year guy. I didn't LOVE my best friend and I don't think he LOVED me. I wanted nice stuff. He wanted sex. It worked okay for a little while.

I honestly don't think that anyone should even consider marriage before the age of 25. You don't even know who you are before that. You cannot be expected to be you with somebody else.

Keep the faith. I sincerely believe that there is a missing part to each of us in the universe and that when you find that part, you will know. Until then, have fun. It is entirely possible that you and your other part will never hook up. When that happens, it is sad because I know what it is like to be with that one person who is your missing piece.

[SarahB]

19. Thanks for your response

I agree totally with the under 25 thing. I have told this to my daughter because the last thing I want is for her to make my mistakes, but I think because she has more love and support from her family, she won't be as vulnerable as I was at 19 or 20.

Right now, I'm just so disgruntled. I'm married, yet we're rather separated and in limbo under the same roof, a bit stuck for awhile because of money and the needs of the children. Technically, we're trying to work on things but there's huge hurdles and personality differences that I don't think will likely ever be resolved.

I never wanted to be this type of person, but I'm still young and attractive enough that I almost feel like when I'm out of this marriage once and for all, I should just hook up with some rich dude since trying under nobler purposes hasn't seemed to work for me in life. I can understand how this could happen easily. My faith in humanity is pretty shot right now, but maybe time will take care of things. I hope so anyway.

On edit: Sorry, MagicRat for my negative hijacking. I wish for you the best of everything. If it feels right, go for it!

[jpgray]

12. How long have you lived with her?

Always live with someone first. It's the only way to reveal the reality.

[MissMillie]

16. Crap

sorry... but I disagree whole-heartedly. I have seen plenty of instances of successful marriages that didn't start w/ co-habitation and plenty of instances of unsuccessful marriages that did start w/ co-habitation.

[jpgray]

39. Read the post again, maybe more slowly this time

If living together is a disaster, then marriage perhaps isn't the best bet. My post doesn't say all marriages must begin with successful cohabitation, or that success in living together rules out a bad marriage. It's just a way to get to know someone better.

Don't get so upset, it's only a Lounge thread--no one takes anything seriously here. Or at least they shouldn't. Sorry if I offended you somehow. :hi:

[HuckleB]

47. Statistically, this isn't a good way to go.

The divorce rate for those who marry after cohabitation is higher than the divorce rate for those who do not cohabitate before marriage.

[jpgray]

49. Do you have a link for that?

I would never marry someone I couldn't live with.

[HuckleB]

52. Any updated Sociology 101 textbook should have it, but here's a piece.

It's well documented.

On edit: Here's a small piece on the matter.

Debunking the Divorce Myths
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/divorce.html

"2. Myth: Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing.

Fact: Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have a considerably higher chance of eventually divorcing. The reasons for this are not well understood. In part, the type of people who are willing to cohabit may also be those who are more willing to divorce. There is some evidence that the act of cohabitation itself generates attitudes in people that are more conducive to divorce, for example the attitude that relationships are temporary and easily can be ended."

[jpgray]

55. Okay, interesting

I guess I would need to know what kind of people generally cohabit, and whether or not they are similar to me in other ways before I would accept it as a universal guiding statistic for my own situation. Conversely, it would be interesting to see what are the statistics of those who DON'T cohabit before marriage. What sort of people make up the two groups? I have no idea.

Personally, I can't conceive of marrying someone I am unable to live with.

[HuckleB]

57. Yeah, I don't think anyone would argue with that.

But I don't think you have to live with someone to know the answer to that question.

[NNadir]

68. This however is merely a statistic. It need not apply.

I cohabited with my wife for a little over a year, although I spent most of the time trying to get her to marry me.

I'm deeply in love with her after 20 years together, would never even think of leaving her, and hope I will die in her arms. (It's selfish, but I dread the thought of her dying in my arms.)

As for when to propose, the original question, I knew I wanted to marry my wife almost as soon as I met her, but I had to bide my time, and wait through two boyfriends. In retrospect, that was a good thing, because it allowed us to be friends before we were lovers. She's still my very, very, very best friend, good times and bad.

[HuckleB]

70. True. It shows odds only.

It doesn't mean that many people who do cohabitate won't have long married lives together.

It does show that this idea that it's somehow wiser to cohabitate in order to get to know your possible mate better before deciding to marry is an old wives tale, however.

[MissMillie]

14. Never mind the date or how long you've been together

Propose marriage when you've discovered that you share the same goals with regard to careers (not necessarily the same career, but if you're going to work 80 hours a week, the woman should know about it in advance), money, family, housing, etc.

I think also it might be a pretty good idea to test out a month or so without sex. Every marriage suffers a sexual drought at some point... it might be a good idea to see how you two will handle that.


After you've figured this stuff out, go for it. Don't wait. Women love to know that you want them and can't wait to be with them.

[sweetheart]

20. sooner

I met my spouse in India in March 1996. We spent 4 hours together,
and then met again in the US in October 1996. After 2 weeks
in the deserts of arizona, utah and nevada, we got married in
one of those cheezy marriage dive's in lake tahoe. Now iz been
7+ years. I popped the question the day we were married. It was
a suprise for both of us.

6 months on a linear timeline, 3 weeks in real-time.

Someone would say that a marriage would never work made after a
coupla weeks in a cheezy nevada marriage chapel. Rather it has been
a beautiful part of our lives.

Our first meeting was by the burning ghat in benares where they
burn 1000+ bodies every day in a 24x7 cremation factory... and
somehow it was not exactly the place were i thought i'd meet my
partner to be...

On marriage:

Age similarity is a benefit, as so much of life comes in age-stages.

We are both buddhist, and as such, believe in enjoying each others
company and our good fortune to be togther in a world of such suffering.
No words govern our association. It is sweet and very
peaceful.

namaste,
-s

[elfwitch]

26. I got married in Vegas...

I never had any use for the big wedding idea. It was just me and him with no hassles and no fuss.

[sweetheart]

29. The little video

They made in the "love" chapel of our wedding got sent back to
germany, where the parents-in-law organized several "showings" to
entire swathes of people in westphalia... oh dear. I arrived to
meet the inlaws, and they all giggled cuz they saw our wedding
video.

Hey, it was cheap, and we spent the money on a grand honeymoon
instead. No complaints... nevada works a charm.

[elfwitch]

32. we didn't do the video...

We do have pictures though.
Candlelight Wedding Chapel across from Circus Circus on the old strip.
We've decided that on out 10th we are going back to get married in a gondola at the Venetian.

[sweetheart]

35. The 10 year re-wedding

I always imagined a spring white wedding in the scottish highlands,
but now that is too normal, as geez, its outside the front door.

Venice sounds hmmm... Perhaps in India in 2006, or in Kyoto. I
like your idea, i've gotta think of sexy fun places for a 10
year re-wedding. The canary islands, azores,... you've got me
thinking .

peace,

[Love Bug]

42. My daughter got married in that chapel!

She and her hubby love Vegas, so it was the thing to do.

[elfwitch]

51. It was wonderful...

I wouldn't do it any other way.

[sweetheart]

54. Here's the link to our wedding chapel

Doctor Love's wedding chapel in south lake tahoe.

http://www.loveschapel.com/about_us.htm

Its a good thing the pass through yosemite was snowed in that day,
or we'd never have been going through tahoe. (to get to SF).

[smirkymonkey]

21. Not until you are about 35 - 40....

the younger you are, the longer you should wait...IMO :)

[sweetheart]

23. agreed

That worked for us. The 20's and early 30's are still learning
ground for relationships... best to make a mess "before" marriage.
Without the self control and the sorry tales of woe that i used to
call relationships.... the ground for a happy marriage would be less
fertile.

[HuckleB]

60. ?

The folks I know who wait until then sure seem to have a much harder time bonding fully, and bringing their ingrained habits to bear upon one another without causing too much distress.

I'm not saying one can't find love at that age, I'm just saying that there is no reason to wait when it finds you, as long as you have good head on your shoulders and have truly thought it through.

Heck, I'm 36, and I've been married 12 years already. And I'm happy as a clam.

[smirkymonkey]

66. I guess it's a matter of individual experience

and maturity. I was saying that kind of tongue-in-cheek, but you are lucky to have found the right partner.

I just know that if I had married someone I was dating in my 20's (and I had a few opportunities) I know I would be divorced by now because I am a completely different person. Or maybe I am just committment-phobic. I am not really sure I want to get married anyway, I am getting kind of set in my ways and I really like being alone a lot.

[jus_the_facts]

22. marriage is just a prconceived notion....and an expensive one at that....

.....you should just live together for a looooooong time...why enter into the legal aspects of it unless their are children involved...the statistics say it's improbable that it'll work out already!! :shrug:

[MissMillie]

24. Why would anyone want to live with someone

who has one foot out the door?

[jus_the_facts]

30. I've lived with someone for 13 years...

....and still goin'....when and if we split...there won't be the added expense of DIVORCE to deal with....MR already knows my situation...just statin' my own opinion and experience!

on edit.....besides a legal document does NOT ensure that someone won't have a foot out the door regardless....only that they'll be entitled to HALF of your belongings when it doesn't work out!

[MissMillie]

36. no 100% guarantees, for sure

but some agreements are better than others.

I have no problems with the thought of living with someone, but I won't do it until a wedding date has been set. Too many users out there, and I should know because I've been with them all.

I want to be worth the risk.

There's a heap of difference between "I want to share my life with you." and "I want to share the rent with you."

[sweetheart]

25. That's true if your both americans

If one of the couple is not, marriage is the only way given immigration laws as they are.

[mopinko]

27. how old are you,

and how many times have you been in love? if the total of those 2 numbers is less than 50, the answer is a long, long time. if more than 50, ask now.

[prolesunited]

28. Wow!

I'm very happy for you.

How are you so sure she's "the one"? Also, how old are you again?

I definitely agree with the poster who said, the younger you are the longer you should wait. I think when you're older, you've had more experience to better sort out lust and infatuation from real love.

[THUNDER HANDS]

44. well...

I'm 25 and she's almost 23.

I know she's "the one" because we fit eachother perfectly. We're both sorta, kinda shy (I'm a tad more outgoing than her), we're both sorta, kinda dorky (I'm a tad more dorky - suprise, suprise) and we can lay around, not do anything, not even say a word to eachother - and be totally comfortable and happy.

Plus, she digs my sense of humor and I'm always making her laugh. I think I've waited my entire life for a woman who gets my sense of humor.

There are more reasons, but some are harder to explain than others and some just have no words to describe them. It's just a feeling.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

31. Whenever it feels right...

Why does there have to be a magic number? That's silly. Whenever your heart tells you is the right time is the time you should pop the question. Go MR! Congrats. I'm so glad you found Ms. Right. :hug:
Duckie

[Paragon]

33. Cut off their head

There can be only One. ;-)

[everythingsxen]

34. You need an "other" option..

Because the answer is "It depends".

It depends on the two people involved and how much baggage they have. The truth is it might be within a week for some people (not recommended, but it could happen); for others it might be many years. Marriage doesn't really mean anything anyway. It's a piece of paper saying you love each other. If you need a piece of paper to tell you that, I doubt it was ever real love to begin with. :D

[tsakshaug]

37. Depends

I agree the younger you are the longer you should wait. My first marriage was a disaster..sort of it lasted 20 years. We dated for about 4 years and got married. We got engaged at 3 years I guess. We were too young- 24 or so, so we dated through our early 20's.

My second marriage, we met and started dating in January, I was sure she was the one in February. She had a worse marriage than I did, and asked all sorts of questions for the first several dates. Somehow I managed to get the "right" answers. We decided to get married by April. We were married the next year in July. We were living together from April on. We are both in our mid 40's so the age thing helps, you know who you are and what you are doing. As a guy, I don't look at it as getting sex, but having a good friend with me as much as possible (the sex is great but that is not the point).

[DS1]

38. If she's 'the one' - what difference does waiting make?

As long as you're spending time together, and assuming she thinks the same of you, there's no reason for either of you to 'make it permanent' and if things suddenly change it's much easier to part ways. Sure, you might find yourself wondering how long things will last, but that's where a mutually clear understanding of expectations and goals come into play.

[Caution]

40. It took me 7 years

But I finally popped the question this past Christmas Eve. I think people should live together for a bit before considering marriage. (I waited a bit longer than I should have...had other issues to deal with).

[elfwitch]

41. I totally agree on the living together part...

I cannot understand how people could really go with the idea of not having sex with someone until you are married. That is just silly. Sex is an integral part of marriage for most of the relationship. What happens if you marry someone without having sex first and then find out they suck?

I think people should live together first too. It is much easier to find out what a person is like when they aren't on their party manners. You can't see that in a person until you've shared living space 24/7 for a while. Sleep-overs don't count.

[TX-RAT]

43. 6 months

Married 30 yrs in October

[BigMcLargehuge]

45. I knew Mrs. Mclargehuge was THE ONE the first time I laid eyes on her

it took a month to get to know her, a week to date her, but I was ready to propose the first time I saw her.

[geniph]

46. When there are reasons beyond temporary infatuation

things like wanting to buy a house together, needing to be on the other person's insurance, needing automatic power of attorney...but the best time to propose marriage is when you truly feel that your life would be impoverished if you could not spend the rest of it trying to make that person as happy as you can.

When you're very sure that it's "love," not "in love," then you're ready. "In love" is a temporary mental aberration - and a wonderful one - but it passes. "Love," which I define as that state in which the other person's happiness is essential to your own, sometimes fades or dies, but it's likelier to last than an infatuation. But you should have other reasons for wanting to spend your lives together - you should be able to stand one another's families (or have similar beliefs about how much time should be spent with them), you should have already discussed things like finances, goals, children, and should have agreement about them or a way to reach a consensus that doesn't make either of you feel cheated.

My biggest piece of advice for couples: don't combine your finances if you can help it. Each of you should keep your own accounts. It's okay to have a joint account for joint expenses like housing, but keep your own accounts and credit, too. It saves a lot of fighting.

[HuckleB]

48. Actually, I disagree on the separate accounts ledger.

I've noted far more financial arguments, some leading to the end of the marriage, with folks who keep separate accounts than with folks who do not.

Oh, geez. On edit. I loved your post otherwise!

:)

[HuckleB]

50. It took my spouse 18 months to "pop the question," however informally.

It took me another six months to find myself in the same place as she on the matter. A year later, we were married. We've been married, quite happily, for almost 12 years now, with no cohabitation before the marriage.

If you want to know that you two can make it, take a three or four week road trip with her. If you can have fun, deal with the stresses, roll with the punches, etc... on something like that, you'll probably be good to go.

[Nikia]

53. We were engaged formally after 1.5 years

Then we married 1.5 years later. We were informally engaged after six months. My husband gave me his fraternity pin and said that he considered it a true committment to marrying and had contemplated it seriously before doing that. We were both in college the entire time while we dated. We may have married sooner if we were not.
I think that if you know that you are right for each other, you should propose sooner rather than later although I think that you should wait at least 4 or 5 months so you know that it isn't just infatuation. I don't know about these couples that say that they aren't sure after 5 or 6 years. I think that if you have been dating someone more than three years and have been together the majority of the time(as opposed to long distance) and aren't sure that perhaps you should break up.(No offense to DUers who did stay together and married after longer than that. It is just my observation that either one or both parties are committment phobic or that there is something wrong with the relationship.)

[radwriter0555]

56. Go ahead, get married, knock her up, pop out a couple pups; you'll divorce

before you're both 35, in time to start family #2.

Perfectly acceptable. Happens all the time.

Just go for it... and if you're REALLY lucky, you may NOT divorce.

But chances are, you'll divorce when the second child is about 7.

It'll be HER choice, not yours so much, but you'll be fine and pair up again in no time at all.

It's just how it works.

GOOD LUCK! You sound VERY happy! :D

[HuckleB]

59. ?

It is? Hmm.

What's wrong with me? Married 12 years, 36 years old, no kids, no divorce.

How did I go wrong?

:)

[radwriter0555]

61. It's the no kids part.

But remember, about 49% of you DO stay married.

NOT having kids helps a lot.

With progeny, humans feel the need to er, vary the gene pool by reproducing with different partners.

Just a throw back to our cave man ancestors is all.

[HuckleB]

62. Actually...

of those who do stay married -- and the last time I checked the stats, the percent of couples who stay together was a bit higher than the stat you note, especially for first marriages -- very few stray to "reproduce" with other partners. It's the straying that tends to lead to the divorce, or singal that a divorce is in the works, more than anything.

Besides, you act as if those who don't have kids, don't practice the act of producing them. Now, if that were true, there wouldn't be any need for premarital sex either, would there? Yet, we both know there is a big desire for that. The old gene pool argument just doesn't fly in the current culture where fewer and fewer first-world folks are having babies, and, even among those who do have babies, smaller and smaller family sizes are the norm.

[Rabrrrrrr]

58. No time frame. It will happen when it is ready to happen.

Maybe 3 months, maybe 3 years.

Don't kill yourself over fretting about the "proper" length of time based on societal "norms".

Every situation is unique, and will have it's own unique solution. Trust your feelings.

[TrogL]

63. 30 seconds or so

[NightTrain]

65. In my case...

...I'm thinking we should meet at least once before I consider asking! :+

[fortyfeetunder]

67. I'll never do that again

Marriage the first time around is OK, but I think once was enough. I don't like marriage that much to do that again.

[Pert_UK]

69. I thought you meant The One Ring, and how long before you...

unleash you dark power against Gondor!

:-)

P.