Checking in...

[VenusRising]

First, I want to thank everyone for the sympathy, vibes, condolences, and well wishes after the passing of my husband, Zodiak (Rob). It really meant a lot to me to know that so many people cared about the both of us.

The experience of losing Rob is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. He was my everything. I have never loved or been loved so wholly and unconditionally. This loss is earth shattering to say the least. I'm having a difficult time figuring out what I am going to do with my life now that he's gone. I never ever thought that I would be a widow at the ripe old age of 33. I'm so angry that he was taken from me in the prime of his life when we had plans we were working on.

Every day is a different emotion. Some days I think shock takes over and I'm completely numb. Other days I feel so utterly shattered that I don't feel like I'll ever be the same again. I probably won't, but I'm moving along one moment at a time.

I've been keeping a journal and writing to him as much as I can. It helps, and I know he reads it. I've written in it venting my feelings about other people, and the very next day, one of the people about whom I wrote came to me and said exactly what I wrote I needed them to say. This is not someone that could have read my journal.

Anyway, I'm still living with my husband's best friend. He was our roommate for 5 years and best friends with Rob since 4th grade. He moved our entire household from Ohio to Texas, and he is staying with me while everything gets worked out. Rob asked if he would take care of me if something happened to him, and he has stepped up beyond my wildest imagination. I don't think I could have survived this without him. He is the only other person on the planet that knew Rob as well as I did and we console each other often. He's always been like a brother to Rob, and now he's being a brother to me. I'm very lucky considering I'm an only child.

I'm looking into getting some grief counseling because I know I can't deal with this one my own. Like I said, it's one day at a time, one moment at a time. It's the only way I've been able to get through these last couple months. I miss him more every day. And so many times I wish I could have changed the outcome, but it wasn't meant to be, I guess. All I can do now is continue to love him and honor his memory in any way I can. I actually have sent his last research paper to his boss, and they are going to publish it for him with first authorship. Even though he is gone, he hasn't ceased in making me proud of his accomplishments and that I was his wife.

Well, I've rambled on long enough. I just wanted to say thank you again, and let everyone know what was up in my life. I haven't been posting too much, but I still lurk. You are all wonderful and I appreciate having such caring people to talk to.

All my best. :grouphug:

[Heidi]

1. !!!

:loveya:

:hug:

:*

Just for you, sweets:

[VenusRising]

2. Thank you, my darlin'!

:rofl:



:loveya:

:hug:

:*

[Heidi]

3. It's okay to be in your dark place,

just as long as you know there's sunshine out there waiting for you. :hug:

[VenusRising]

4. I'm sure it is.

Right now the curtains are drawn and it's dark and cloudy. I've got a lot of layers to get through before the sunshine comes back. :(

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

5. Oh my dear Venus

Thanks to you, I've started a journal too, to talk to Markus and express my sorrow. It really does help and I thank you for the idea. One day at a time is all we can handle right now. Know that I am thinking about you and keeping you in my heart. :grouphug:

[VenusRising]

6. I am keeping you in my heart, too.

We have become sisters through this trauma. Sharing thoughts and ideas and supporting each other is the best thing we can do for each other. Nothing can save a moment more than knowing there is someone who is going through the same thing that can relate to exactly what you're feeling. You've gotten me through a lot of moments, and for that, I am eternally grateful. :hug::loveya:

[Sky Masterson]

7. Hey you.

I've got nothing but one of these :hug: and one of these :loveya: and of course one of these :pals:
If you need an ear, I'm here my friend.

[VenusRising]

8. You have always been very sweet to me.

Thank you for your kindness and your friendship. You're awesome!

:hug::loveya::pals:

[Sky Masterson]

9. Not near as awesome as you!

I mean it! You are such a sweet person.
And you've always been so good to me.
People like you are the main reason why I still even come here.
:loveya: :yourock:

[VenusRising]

10. I'm glad we're friends in the other place, too.

I see you far more often over there. :)

[lost-in-nj]

11. ....

:hug: :hug:

thanks for checking in.....
think of you often......

take care of you


lost

[VenusRising]

19. Thanks, lost.

Hope you are doing well.

:hug::loveya:

[TZ]

12. .

I am glad to hear from you..I am still regretful I did not get a chance to meet you when I was in Ohio last fall.. I am really glad that you are getting good support during difficult times ..:hug:

[BarenakedLady]

13. I'm so very sorry

I wish I had something wise to say.

:hug:

[VenusRising]

20. Hugs are plenty good!

:hug::hug::hug:

[hippywife]

14. There's no way I can even imagine what you are feeling

and dealing with right now, sweet E. I only know that it's the stuff of my worst nightmare and I wish you...whatever it is you need to get through this.

Before I got married, I cried my eyes out one night with B. holding me. I almost didn't marry him because I was afraid of dealing with this very thing you've had thrust upon you now and not knowing how I would ever deal with it. The only reason I did go through with it was that the thought of missing out on any time we could have together would be so much worse. I'm so incredibly sorry it happened to you so soon, sweetie.

I'm tearing up as I type. You and NPIG are both in my hearts through all of this. Truly you are and I hope you both find your way through this in your own time and your own way.

Know that you are loved by so many of us. I know it's not enough to replace the loss or make it better in any substantial way, but I hope it helps, even if it's just a little.

[VenusRising]

21. I would never have not married him because of his heart condition.

I, like you, couldn't deal with the thought of not having as much time as I could with him. One girl he dated said she would never be with him because he was damaged goods. I can't even imagine that kind of attitude. I'm thankful for every single second I got with him and have absolutely no regrets. He's my soul mate and that will never change.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and good wishes. You're a doll! :hug::loveya:

[lizziegrace]

15. Erica...

Lelapin and I will, out of the blue, just say how much we miss Rob. It comes out of nowhere and missing him means missing you too. So very much.

Easter is coming and I remember dinner down here with the two of you, sitting in this cold, old house with no heat. We also cherish your birthday with strawberry cake and Rob as the grill master.

We grieve with you and wish that somehow we could take the pain away, if only for a few minutes.

You are loved, cherished and held close to our hearts.

[VenusRising]

22. I love and miss you and Lelapin so much!

I still plan on coming to Columbus for a tree planting they are doing at OSU. They are going to have a plaque and everything with his name. They want to do it in the spring, so I'll definitely let you know when that is. I won't come back to Columbus without seeing you both. You're still family no matter what happens.

:hug::loveya:

[lizziegrace]

27. We love you too

Always. :hug:

[RainDog]

16. my sympathies

I lost my mom when I was a kid. That grief is still part of me, but time helps put it in some perspective.

...even if that seems like an impossible idea now.

I think it would be even harder to lose a spouse when you're so young.

hugs to you.

[VenusRising]

23. Thanks, RainDog.

:hug: for you, too.

[femmocrat]

17. My deepest sympathy, VenusRising.

This is the first I heard about Rob. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

[VenusRising]

24. Thank you, femmocrat.

I'll take all the thoughts, prayers, and hugs I can get. :hug:

[bigwillq]

18. You can ramble as much as you want,

for as long as you want. Thanks for checking in, and thanks for sharing this thread with us. :hug: You are in my thoughts. All the best to you. Keep writing. I also think it would help very much to go to the counseling. Good luck. :hug:

[VenusRising]

25. Thanks, hon.

I just have to keep going no matter what it is - writing, counseling, knitting, being online. Any little thing to distract myself from the pain right now. Thanks for the luck. I'm going to need it.

:hug::loveya:

[SPKrazy]

26. Best Regards...

Hang in there my friend, you are loved by many!

:hug:

[VenusRising]

29. Hey you!!

I haven't seen you around in ages! I hope all is well with you.

:hug::loveya:

[Mike 03]

From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much for your posts. They are going to help me, as I am losing very close family members to cancer.

Thank you again.

[VenusRising]

30. Thank you, Mike.

I am so sorry that you will be suffering, too. Enjoy the ability to feel happiness and joy right now, because it may be a long while after the loss before you can really feel it again. Also, give lots of hugs and say even more I love yous.


:hug:

[Mike 03]

28. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you so much for your posts. They are going to help me, as I am losing very close family members to cancer.

Thank you again.

[Haole Girl]

31. Thank you for checking in

I've been wondering how you are. :hug: