What is the best way to handle bullying?

[Haole Girl]

Read this story:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/03/29/massachusetts.bullying.suicide/index.html?hpt=T1

I'm wondering, what exactly, is the best approach to take when a person is bullied?

Me? I've been bullied at different times in my life. When I was in middle school a neighborhood girl used to chase me home from school. Back then, if a kid made it to their front lawn they were considered "safe" & the chase ended. I'll tell you now, I could sprint like the wind!! A few years later, that same girl became a state champion track star... I just laughed when I thought about how much practice I gave her.

Sigh...

Kids really have it hard, you know? Some of them. Is fighting back really the answer? Wouldn't a child be kicked out of school with today's "Zero Tolerance" policies?

[Iggo]

1. The best way is not very popular here at DU, and I'll leave it at that.

;)

[Haole Girl]

3. Tell me

Send it via PM if you want. I'm curious.

[Capn Sunshine]

23. fuckin' A, dude

I agree 100%

[Forkboy]

2. The best advice I could give to "youngsters" (always wanted to use that term!)...

..is to stand up for yourself. This isn't 100% foolproof, but I was bullied, and it ended the day I slammed a senior's face into a locker a few times. Your parents may not agree, your teachers definitely won't agree, but I find that in life if you don't stand up for yourself who will? Your parents, in most cases, will only defend you to the extent they're aware of the problem, and with most teens the parents are in the dark (I sure as hell know I kept mine that way). So my answer is to stand for yourself, even if it means getting the shit kicked out of you. The feeling you get from standing up for yourself can never be stolen, even if you're washing blood off of your face.

[Haole Girl]

4. This is the problem, though...

the one picked on, who fights back, could be the one kicked out of school.

[rcrush]

7. Yeah thats true

I don't know how kids do it these days but when I was in school people fought off school grounds unless they wanted to get arrested.

[alarimer]

8. Yes, they probably shouldn't do it at school

But standing up for yourself doesn't necessarily mean fighting, either, especially if the bully is a verbal one, rather than physical.

[Haole Girl]

10. Agreed. Verbal abuse is an easy one... at least, for me

But the physical stuff gets tricky.

[Forkboy]

13. I agree.

My advice...it's a risk worth taking. If you don't stand up for yourself now, when will you? Parents be damned, to be honest, it's up to us (and maybe some good friends). What people do in these years will stick with them forever, in my experience. Stand up now or never. "Better to die on your feet than live on your knees".

My answer isn't for everyone, and I do realize there are some who's nature doesn't allow for this approach. But for those feeling their oats....do it. You'll never regret it. 95% of the time, male, female...the shit we take is the shit we choose to take. For me, this applies to a lot more than school....it's life. At some point we have to just say "ENOUGH". That threshold is on us, not our parents, not politicians...we control so little in our daily lives, but this is one area we DO control.

And yes, I know it's far easier said than done. Big time. I wish I could impart half the courage I felt at the time. By the time I was 14 no one could hurt me, no matter how badly I got my ass kicked. I remember laying in bed, pretty much unable to breathe due to three broken ribs and the same amount cracked from a stomping. It sucked, but the pain was way less than the self respect I gained by standing up to the fucks who did it.

Stand up for yourself....always, under any circumstances. Never let anyone take that power from you. It's literally all we have.

[Iggo]

14. It's scarier than shit.

But I'm glad I did it.

[Forkboy]

17. My feelings exactly.

But the feeling you gain from knowing you stood up even when you knew it was a lost cause is immeasurable. I never regretted a moment of the bleeding. :)

Easier said than done, especially as a male. The female dynamic is totally different (though one girl kicking another's ass still sends the same message, as bullying is still bullying, and most bullies hate those who defend themselves).

[rcrush]

5. I agree

Even if it means you are going to get beat up. When I was a kid if someone was harassing you or bullying you then you fought back if you wanted them to stop. Sometimes that meant you were gonna get an ass whoopin but after that it was over.

Also helps to make friends with people who will have your back.

[Forkboy]

16. I'm sure you found that many were on your side, just waiting...

And while I wish some of them didn't wait, I sure as Hell understand it, now and then. People look for leaders, and sometimes leading means means taking a few for the team. ;)

[Old Troop]

6. I Still wonder myself

when my daughter was bullied, we talked to the school administration who did absolutely nothing. Well they recommended that SHE attend anger management! Physical bullying is something that can be addressed by the individual, but emotional and social bullying is something altogether different and far more insidious. What we did was just envelope our daughter in love and let her know she was a great person. I think it helped prevent the ultimate act but she has no desire to attend high school reunions or socialize with any of her former classmates.

[Haole Girl]

11. I'm so glad you gave her the attention she needed

:-)

[applegrove]

9. There is a bullyonline site on the internet. They have lots of information

on bullying.

[Haole Girl]

12. I've been reading about it some

Some of it sounds so textbook, though. I'm very glad I don't have children of my own.

[applegrove]

21. I have ptsd from a bully/manipulator. I'll never have children because I couldn't bring them into

this world I have to live in. I had a very secure childhood and if I can't offer that to a child, and I can't, then I'll have no kids.

[Maraya1969]

15. I say give the kid Judo lessons so even if they do something there is no harm

At least that is what my parents did with my brother. After he was in the class for awhile the same kid came up to and started to try something and poof, over my brother's should he went. And there is a way to keep them from hurting themselves when you do it.

He was never bothered again.

[sakabatou]

18. For me, it was learning self-defense

[flvegan]

19. 1. Learn to defend yourself;

2. Learn nice alternative forms of revenge if part 1 is out of the question. A deep bag of dirty tricks goes a long way;
3. It's not who you are, it's who you know. In high school, every member of the football team had to pass my mom's senior english class so nobody, but NObody picked on me, lest you upset the biggest group of fellas in the school...operating as a team, happy to tell "Mrs. flvegan'smom" that her son was being picked on so they threw that person in the dumpster and pushed it into traffic. Heh.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

20. Punch in the nose

is what I was taught ion the 50's. It works............ :shrug:

[davsand]

22. They will mess with you until it hurts them. You make it hurt and they will quit.

I was born with a birth defect and I grew up looking just different enough with a facial scar that I was a target. I learned early on that there are a lot of people in life that will mess with you until it becomes painful for them--and then suddenly the crap stops. My policy was (and still is) that if you get in my face I'll give it back with added interest because you were stupid enough to do it.

We had a big deal earlier this year where some of the girls were teasing my 12 year old on the bus that she stuffs her bra. (Remember THAT one, ladies??) I told her that when it happened again she needed to tell the girl, "MY stuff is real" and then ask as loud as she can "Why are you looking at my boobs anyway you perv?" Sure enough, that girl did it again the next day. She got shut down and everyone laughed at HER for getting smacked down.

I have been teaching my daughter how to defend herself not only verbally, but also physically. Just a month or so ago she had some girl walk up to her in the locker room and slap her. She came home and told me about it and I asked her what her response had been. "I slapped her back," she said. I told her that was fine, but if it EVER happens again to step into the attacker and take the heel of her hand and come straight up under the chin. It will take them down and will probably look like an accident to anybody looking on...

My teaching to her has always been, you NEVER throw the first punch and when you throw the second one it needs to end the fight.

I may have people that think I am a stone bitch to this day, but I don't take any crap and I don't think anyone should. Stupid should hurt.



Laura

[pitohui]

24. i wasn't bullied for long

i beat the crap out of the wanna be "bully" -- as others say i arranged for the fight to take place off school grounds

i might be small but i'm BAD tempered ha ha

laura's ideas are good but i could only handle "verbal" bullies by ignoring them, since i did not speak or be witty as a child, but the person who thought this meant they could get physical learned a hard lesson -- people and parents telling me witty comebacks to say to this day are worthless since the witty remark never comes out of my mouth, i just can't say it -- however i just ignored the yakkety yak, the ONE person who tried to pick a fight soon learned not to do so and the lookyloos spread the word not to mess w. me further...

:-)

[distantearlywarning]

25. Count me as another vote for "fight back".

I was bullied mercilessly up until the day I decided to stop taking it. Once it became clear that anyone who wanted to make me a target was going to pay for the privilege, like magic, all of the assholes just sort of faded away...

[UTUSN]

26. By hitting "Alert"?!1 But it depends which Mod you get!1 n/t

[Generic Brad]

27. Exposing the bully

I have learned that shining a light on bullying behavior causes them to go to full scale denial and retreat. They do it because they think they can get away with it. Don't let them get away with it and they back down immediately. Tell everyone. Embarrass them. They have earned it.