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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:21 PM
Original message
Advice for parents of shy kids?
I have a 5 year old who is usually quite comfortable with one or two kids he doesn't know; but when he's suddenly in a large party, regardless of whether their strangers or family, he'll shrink away and hide.

He's been in a small 1/2 day kindergarten since September. There are only 12 kids in the class; and they all know each other and get along well. But even now, he'll sometimes hide from everybody when he gets to school.

Any suggestions, good books, or wisdom from your own experience as a shy child is welcome.

Thanks! :hi:
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sangh0 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:23 PM
Response to Original message
1. I wonder if it's something other than shyness
Maybe he just gets over-stimulated with all the kids running around.
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TrogL Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:29 PM
Response to Original message
2. Provide non-threatening opportunities to socialize
or let him bring a comfort object. Mine's a very heavy leather jacket.
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Nikia Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:29 PM
Response to Original message
3. Don't make him feel bad about being shy
There is nothing wrong with making friends one at a time instead of mingling with everyone. I wish that I would have been told that when I was young. Many children and teenagers have lots of anxiety over this and there is no reason. Some people are introverted. Most of them feel more comfortable with themselves if they accept that this is normal.
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TX-RAT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:32 PM
Response to Original message
4. Is he your only child
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jpgray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:37 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. Good question
What may help if that's the case is a forced social situation. Drop him in summer camp or the like and he'll get into a groove of dealing with other people... or he won't. :D If he's the kind of 'victim' personality who always is teased in the grade school years, maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea. :shrug:

Another question would be how does he spend his time outside of school? With other kids, or by himself? I was a freak hybrid. I loved my alone time (drawing, writing), but I also had an older brother and would run around outside with the neighbor kids until dark every day. :D
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:50 PM
Response to Reply #5
10. I'll probably homeschool next year
and supplement with classes and special programs for homeschoolers. He's pretty sensitive to teasing. The kids in his class are so sweet to each other. It's really a unique school.
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:37 PM
Response to Reply #4
6. No, I also have a 16 year old
and 2 grown stepsons who are on their own.

In some ways, since there's such a large age gap, and not much reason to compete, it's like my youngest is the oldest or an only.
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TX-RAT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:49 PM
Response to Reply #6
9. He's OK
My daughter was the same way until she started public school, that seemed to make a big change, now she won't shut up....and she's 30
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:38 PM
Response to Original message
7. First step - realize there's nothing wrong with the child.
It's just the way he is.

So don't worry or fret or make an issue out of it.

But you can subtly offer him opportunities to learn to go beyond it.

I'm also a somewhat shy person - I hate large groups, I don't like parties, etc. When I do go to parties (and we used to have a lot at work), I would generally spend all evening with just a couple other people, and not actually mingle much or do the 'small talk" stuff, etc. I'm also quite introverted and spend a lot of time alone, and did so as a child as well, being perfectly able to entertain myself. Even now, at almost 40, when I go out, I prefer to go with one or two or a small handful of friends, and have quiet (but rabidly political) conversations in a quiet bar.

Nothing wrong with being shy or introverted, really.

Unless it actually IS interfering with his life in some way (screaming, crying, etc., would be a sign of a problem), I wouldn't worry about it.

Americans tend to favor very much the attitude of the extroverts, and worry about introverts and shy people. But let's face it, most of our truly brilliant people - inventors, artists, social theorists, professors, etc. - tend to be introverted and shy. That's how they find the time and the energy to create and make the world a better place.
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Nikia Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:51 PM
Response to Reply #7
12. You made the point better than I did
Be proud to be introverted.
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jpgray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:06 PM
Original message
No, he must wear a shroud like the elephant man
:D

Nothing wrong with being an introvert or shy. But if he's a good, sensitive kid, and I bet he is, there's always the chance that extended contact with other kids without any parental supervision or solitary interludes will take away a lot of the anxiety of those social situations. Of course he may really, really hate it at first--and I wouldn't want to give any parental advice or pretend to be an authority on this, having only been a kid and not a parent. :hi:
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:06 PM
Response to Reply #7
14. I'm a Myers-Briggs borderline, myself.
Edited on Thu Mar-25-04 06:07 PM by GoddessOfGuinness
So I do understand where he's coming from in many ways. I have no problem accepting his shyness; but I'd like to be able to help him feel comfortable when he feels like the scenario is just too much.

The other day he came with me to a rehearsal, which he's often done without issue. This was a small chamber group of about 10 people, and he had dinner to eat and books to read. Still, he covered his head with his shirt and was upset for the better part of an hour.

The next day, I broke down and bought him a GameBoy; which seemed to offer a place for him to retreat to comfortably. Of course, there are going to be times when he's expected to be physically and mentally "present" for social functions, and the video game can't serve as a refuge for him. When it seems like he's ready to lose it, I usually just give him a hug and let him know that he doesn't have to talk with anybody unless he wants to.

Should I answer questions for him when he's too shy to answer for himself? Should I explain that he feels overwhelmed by the large crowd? Or is that too embarrassing?
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 09:50 PM
Response to Reply #14
29. Hmmm, that does sound problematic
Putting a shirt over his head is different than being introverted. Sounds like there is something unusual going on there; something beyond trying to get him into bigger groups, but a possible emotional/mental issue.

But on the other hand, I remember when I was a kid, maybe 6 or 7, my sister (4 years older) had a bunch of her 10-11 year friends (all girls) over for a birthday party. That night, I DID hide under a piece of furniture because the screaming giggly party noise was intolerable. And I still don't like loud places (though I have no problem at rock concerts). So, maybe it isn't much of an issue? But i don't know. pulling shirt over his head, that's kinda odd.

As to your other questions, I would answer:

No, you shouldn't answer for him, because if you do, that's sort of telling him that he isn't good enough to answer for himself, or that he has a "problem" that mommy has to pop in and fix. i also don't think you need to explain (in a social setting) that he feels overwhelmed - I imagine people will pick that up. Whether they accept his behavior or not is up to them. And to say in front of your son "He feels overwhelmed by all this noise" also tells him that his feelings are wrong, that it is a failing on his part that he isn't "handling" the activity well. It's a tough line to find, though, and not knowing him or you, I can offer only generalities.

Though, of course, it would be appropriate to tell his teachers, doctors, etc.

Might be worth asking him about it. Or having his ears checked out - perhaps he has highly acute hearing, so normal noise levels are loud to him, and large groups of people can be really loud. Just tossing out some ideas.
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 11:03 PM
Response to Reply #29
31. It's possible that it's sensory overload...
New people and new surroundings combined with new music...

I know it makes me want to hide sometimes. :-)

Thanks for the advice!
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:28 PM
Response to Reply #7
21. Absolutely, Rabrrrrrr!
Edited on Thu Mar-25-04 06:30 PM by supernova
Another proud HSP loner checking in! :hi:

I tolerate groups pretty well now that I'm in my 40s, I can concentrate on a conversation with a handful of people. But for a long time I didn't. I found all the stimulation to be anxiety producing because I couldn't focus.

My dad was quite shy and I suppose that's where I get my shyness from. And I think it's a personality aspect that my mother just never understood. She was extremely extroverted.

PLease don't convey to him there's something wrong that he needs to "work on" or "fix." Being introverted is simply a different way of being in the world.

I much prefer to socialize with two or three other people. I value friendships of this type the most. I find most friends through activities that I enjoy. I dislike small talk (I find most of it to be gossipy or just plain trivial), and do better with a definite subject.

edit: pick maybe one or two activities that he might be interested in learning and let friendships develop from those shared experiences.
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bif Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:41 PM
Response to Original message
8. Yell at him a lot when he's around a bunch of kids
Joking. My daughter's shy too. There's really nothing you can do. they just have to learn to open up on their own.
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DemExpat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 05:51 PM
Response to Original message
11. My son, second child, is shy.....
now a happy, thriving 19 year old.

I always looked for comfortable environments for him (schools,etc.), but he always hated going.....I really feared for his future because of this, but as soon as he got out of school and into a job that he loves doing, he just blossomed, and is doing much better socially as well.

I never made him feel weird or ashamed for being more introverted and a loner (although he always had plenty of friends) and I just pointed out that while his older sister had more of her father's personality and extroversion, he seemed to have more of mine. Both have their good points and weak points. :-)

A good book I read a few years ago about people in general (not little kids) is "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron. It explains introversion and sensitivity in a positive light.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553062182/qid=1080254942/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/102-9156704-9428125

All the best,

DemEx

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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:01 PM
Response to Reply #11
13. my son is shy, he gets along with kids at school
but is just not a joiner. I often tell people that kids don't have to be like "salesmen" in the sense that they need to chat everybody up.

but then my husband prefers quiet company and I was shy too, when I was young.

Now I never stop talking!
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DemExpat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:07 PM
Response to Reply #13
15. The last thing my son wanted to do after being around people
all day at school was to go to some kind of group sports or music class!
While my daughter loved all of her extra-curricular activities!

Tom didn't even really start talking well until he was about 4....now he loves to talk when he feels like it...

DemEx
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:18 PM
Response to Reply #15
18. I do take my son to a lot of sportsy -type stuff
gymnastics and soccer... I figure that way he gets used to more people and cooperating more. I do think teams are good if the adults are fair and supportive.
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DemExpat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:22 PM
Response to Reply #18
19. Oh, I took Tom to many activities....but he flat-out refused to
Edited on Thu Mar-25-04 06:23 PM by DemEx_pat
go after the first time.....

He would lock himself in the car to prevent me from "coaxing" him to join in the fun! :shrug: :D

He loved playing sports in an informal atmosphere on the school playground after school, or in the neighborhood with a few friends, but organized sport classes were like school to him, and he wanted no part of it.

DemEx
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:43 PM
Response to Reply #19
25. Interesting that you mention it.......
My little guy asked me today if he could be on a baseball team.

I don't know if the local club has a team for kids his age; but they might have T-ball, which is the next best thing. We'll see how he does.
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:46 PM
Response to Reply #25
26. yeah better not to force it
My son complains but he goes and usually has fun. He did ask to go to a yoga class that the school had, though. A lot of kids did, it was really cool and fun. I had never been to a "kid yoga" class before. They did two person yoga and is was really neat.
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 09:56 PM
Response to Reply #19
30. Heh heh - sounds like me
I actually enjoyed playing a number of sports, but hated playing them in an organized fashion. Yucko!! All those rules, and tension and crap. Pick up games for me, or loosely organized playing. In college, we had intra-mural sports only, and I played on the softball team for our fraternity on the "Rat's Ass" team - we were the guys who, after we ran to a base, would light a cigarette. Such fun! We played against the serious people, and we usually lost, but we had a hell of a good time playing.

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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:11 PM
Response to Reply #11
16. Thanks!
I put it on my wish list! :hi:
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elfin Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:16 PM
Response to Original message
17. Don't Home School
Until you absolutely have to for reasons other than shyness ie too advanced for curriculum offered etc.

This would only delay the situation and not encourage necessary social skills to navigate the "real world."

I see many home schoolers as a museum volunteer and whle they are often very bright, they cannot navigate a group situation.

Nothing wrong with being shy - it can serve your child well in being able to pick out friends who are "worthy."

Pick out one or two he seems comfortable with and arrange playtimes or short field trips to encourage interaction. Then, gradually expand the group for a birthday party or some other occasion.

Good luck - I can sense your worry, but it should be fine in the long run.

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jpgray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:26 PM
Response to Reply #17
20. I still stay screw the wading, drop him in :-)
But of course he's not my kid. Dealing with bullies and teasing is the fun part of boyhood--if he can't get on with them now, he'll always be running from them. Barring the one or two per million wholly malevolent grade schoolers, I've never encountered a kid who honestly wanted to cause me harm. And I was dorky enough to warrant teasing, believe you me. :D

The sooner kids realize the intent isn't to cause serious harm, but rather to play a social game of personality arm-wrestling, the better. I never met the bully that couldn't be converted into a friend. Contrary to popular belief, 'just ignoring' them encourages more of the same.

Again, I only have my own experiences in kid-dom to draw on--take it all with a grain of salt.
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:32 PM
Response to Reply #20
22. Obviously not an introvert
But re: the bully thing.

I beat the snot out of the biggest bully in our elementary school, who happened to be another girl.

Being introverted and shy does not equal being weak or cowardly.
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jpgray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:40 PM
Response to Reply #22
24. No, I am some freak hybrid
I have the stereotypical introvert 'on' mode in some social environments that I then have to recuperate from. On the other hand, there are groups and people I feel inherently comfortable with that require no effort on my part whatsoever. I've always felt a natural pleasure from a challenge in social situations, but I spend most of my free time alone, either with my guitar, a notebook and pencil, or reading a good book.

So what am I? I haven't a clue.
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Nikia Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:53 PM
Response to Reply #20
27. Some people are jerk who aren't worthy of friendship
A few "bullies" may be alright for friendship. Most are not. I have no desrire to be friends with someone who enjoys being mean to people just because they can. While some of these jerks unfortunately become successful in life, most do not. Many who may seem cool, really aren't. They are only cool to themselves and their cronies. Some people are best ignored. They aren't worth it either way.
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:38 PM
Response to Reply #17
23. Unfortunately, the schools here suck...
and I can't afford a private school.

He's a highly advanced reader...well above 3rd grade level; and his vocabulary is not far behind. My gut instincts and my experience with my older boy in the public schools here are screaming at me to let his father and I educate him. My husband has a Zoology degree and has taken extensive classes in math.

I feel supplementing with other coursework beyond homeschool and maintaining friendships with his current classmates will help him more with his social skills than going to any of the public schools available to him; as the skills I've seen taught there are negative, and would be more inclined to traumatize him.
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DemExpat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-25-04 06:54 PM
Response to Reply #23
28. If there is no positive choice I would definitely want to homeschool....
and supplement it with social activities with peers.....


All the best,
DemEx
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