Dear Hiring Manager:

[LeftyFingerPop]

As my enclosed resume indicates, I am applying for the position of Chief Executive Officer at your company.

Let me expand on my resume, and tell you a little more about myself by virtue of this letter.

I really do not do much of anything, except post on a website called Democratic Underground. Under separate cover, I have sent you five large cardboard boxes which contain hard copies of all of my posts, in chronological order.

I report to "Skinner". Yes, that is his real name, "Skinner".

I like to do posts that just show that smiley with the sideways tongue. I also like to tell people to "shut their pieholes". Every once in awhile, I will start a thread that simply says *burp*.

I like to include the word "fucking" or "fuck" quite a bit in my posts.

Sometimes I post some serious crap, but not very often.

I am not sure, but I do not think that Skinner will make me a moderator. Since I cannot live on a regular posters salary, I am applying for this fucking CEO position.

Please call me in for an interview, or else we will have a fucking problem. Know what I mean Ace?

OK, see ya later there Squizzle.

Best Regards,

LeftyFingerPop

[kayakjohnny]

1. Nice.

"Squizzle"

Ha!

:thumbsup:

[Orsino]

2. It's common practice in business to use first names...

but for a letter of introduction, it's probably safest to refer to the hiring manager as Mr./Ms. Monizzle.

[Dr. Strange]

3. Dear Rabbai LeftyFingerPop:

In regards to your letter applying for the position of Chief Executive Officer, I find myself forced to ask: Are you insane?

First of all, telling people to "shut their pieholes" hardly makes you unique among our employees. Hell, the mailman who delivers our mail each day routinely uses that expression with us.

In addition, your use of "fucking" or "fuck" is hardly unique. Once again, see our mailman.

In short, your application is a joke. The only applicant we've ever had who lacks a sober frustrum as much as you was another DUer. (Perhaps you know him? I think his name was philbouy.) Might we suggest a career in the field of delivering mail?

Thank you for the laugh, but don't call us. We almost have the restraining order filed.

Sincerely,

Ace Squizzle
President, Cyberdyne Systems

[Kali]

4. ...

:9

[Tuesday Afternoon]

5. damn you Lefty, you sent the 5 boxes,,,postage due upon receipt.

I got your squizzle right here, Buster!

[BuelahWitch]

6. Good start, but I think this one would be better:

Dear Hiring Manager,

As per my resume, I am applying for the position of Chief Executive Officer of Lipschitz Int'l. My qualifications for this position include, but are not limited to: telling everybody what to do and where to go while not being able to tell my ass from a hole in the ground and stabbing my mother in the back for $10 (it used to be one dollar, but as I gained CEO experience the price went up considerably).
In my last position as CEO at Dumbfock, Inc. I did all of the above and drove my secretary to drink with my insane demands. Achieved the Honor of Most Hated CEO by the little people who worked for me. Then I bankrupted the company and fired all their asses before they could carry out their death threats. I work only Tues., Wed., and Thurs. from 10 am to 3 pm (with lunch between 11 am and 2 pm). When I'm not harassing my inferiors, I enjoy surfing the net for porn on company time.
I would love to meet with you so that I can discuss how I may screw your company over just like I did my last one. Please call at your earliest convenience so that we can discuss that and my Golden Parachute requirements.

Best Regards,

Leftgustus J. Fingerpop, Esq.

[mochajava666]

14. Isn't that Carly Fiorina's cover letter?

Replace Dumfock with HP and there it is.

[Heidi]

15. Excellent letter, BuelahWitch, but may I offer one small correction?

Please call at your my earliest convenience so that we can discuss that and my Golden Parachute requirements.

[MiddleFingerMom]

7. Next time you actually GO to an interview...

.
...stick to the more discreet Underoos.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
Well... not actually "stick" to them but... you know!!!
.

[HopeHoops]

8. Whoa - MAJOR problem with that letter...

The greeting should be: "Dear Douchenozzle Hiring Manager:"

[EvolveOrConvolve]

9. This is all wrong

I don't think the hiring manager is in charge of actually hiring the CEO. I think it's the lobbyists that are in charge of that.

Seriously, I wish I could rec this fucking post a million times. It's the funniest thing I've read in a while.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Ishoutandscream2]

10. Lefty is my favorite "angry" DUer

His posts are a riot!!:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[SoDesuKa]

11. Can You Do a Better Job Than Michael Steele?

We don't have an opening at the moment, but we're hoping Michael will quit voluntarily.

Sincerely yours,

The RNC

[BuelahWitch]

13. I would bet LFP would like to go to strip joints on the RNC's dime

He'd make a very interesting interview too. Probably make all the talking heads at Faux News explode! :rofl:

[MrMickeysMom]

12. Hey, that's great compared to the Sunday paper column above the fold on jobs

Every Sunday, there's a section under "Business" (you know, the section that should read like a rap sheet with inside stories about banking and marketing executives moving up in the world?)...

Anyway, they have real examples of cover letters (which is find somewhat entertaining). I'm not sure who these people writing these cover letters are, but I'd never, ever, ever, ever, ever think they could have been written by people who wanted actual jobs. They're so bad.