What would you do, if anything?

[Bertha Venation]

I don't know why but I feel some need to address a certain situation at work. I work with a woman whose wardrobe is, well, less than professional. I am not the world's best dresser, and I don't have many clothes to choose from, so I'm no one to judge. Moreover I'm not on some official dress code committee. Still, this is a law firm, and there is a dress code: business professional.

I work with a woman who style of dress says: "business professional? As long as I'm covered neck to ankles and not wearing jeans, whatever I wear is okay." She seems to have four pairs of pants, and she alternates them. They are all frayed -- literally frayed and ragged -- at the cuffs. She wears one pair of shoes, black Nike slip-on court shoes. She trades off wearing several different polo shirts, or camp shirts, or colorful feminine knit t-shirts under an open button-down (my own personal favorite for myself for going out on the weekend). Yet her clothes are always clean and ironed (except for the camp shirts, which look kinda like they're supposed to be wrinkled, à la natural cotton). The woman herself conducts herself ultra-professionally, and by all accounts is an excellent legal secretary.

I'm sure her manner of dress is acceptable to the firm because, to my knowledge, no one's ever said anything to her. But call me nosy if you will; I feel damn nosy, but I just feel like something must be said. If I had any I might offer her money for clothing because it looks like she needs new clothes. It's not that she doesn't wear sharp business suits with heels & nylons; it's that her clothes seem very well worn and it's clear she doesn't have many.

What would you do? If anything?

And what would you tell me? Probably what I'm telling myself: get over it, it's not your life, mind your own damned business. :shrug:

[truthspeaker]

1. if you're not her boss I'd just let it go

not really your problem. I'd be upset if I thought she was getting away with something other employee's aren't, but that's something her superiors should be dealing with.

[MissMillie]

2. Don't do anything

If her boss hasn't addressed this, then why should you?

If her boss has addressed this, and she hasn't changed her behavior, that still doesn't make this your business.

On the other hand, if you really think she could use some financial help with buying new clothes, why not tell her you have a sister/aunt who is getting rid of some clothes and that she looks like she might be the same size. If she's interested, find out her size and go to Sal's a pick a few things out.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

3. Mind your own business

It'd be real insulting to have someone give me money for new clothes. I'm in a similar situation myself... I'm an up-and-comer at my firm, but I'm still really poor because living in this city ain't cheap and I have a ton of bills. So I have a rotation of 4 suits and I can afford a new one once a year. But they get worn out as you might imagine. Unless the money came from my boss in the form of a bonus or a close friend, I wouldn't accept it and would be pretty pissed off to be treated like a charity case.

[GOPisEvil]

4. If you aren't her boss, let it go.

It just isn't worth the trouble that would be caused by bringing it up. She has a supervisor, and presumably that person has a supervisor too. If they were upset about it, they'd say something. Or perhaps she has already gotten a dispensation for the footwear (medical).

Unless it impacts you directly, I'd stay out of it.

[Droopy]

5. It's not your problem, Bertha

Don't worry about it. She could be dressing the way she does for any number of reasons. I'd say it's up to her boss to say something about it. Maybe he/she has already and the fact came to light that she doesn't have much money. It could be anything.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

6. God, that would drive me insane...

Who wears a collared shirt over a collared shirt? God, that would make me crazy. I don't know if I could ignore it. But I wouldn't get involved, just because if her boss isn't involved, then you shouldn't be either. Or if her boss is someone who is oblivious to that kind of thing, take your concerns to him/her. If she's making the office look bad, then I say talk to someone, if not and it's a non issue...I guess, just suffer in silence.

On edit: There is no reason this woman couldn't find professional gear on a budget. I know someone who looks like they came out of a magazine and they get most of their stuff at garage sales and second hand stores. And there are Name Brand Clothing stores that are 1/2 of 1/2.
Duckie

[Bertha Venation]

10. actually, the collared shirt is over one with no collar --

they're just t-shirts. Feminine knit t-shirts from the Avenue (where they only have three sizes: jumbo, huge, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-toward-us).

[YellowRubberDuckie]

12. LMAO...

Lane Bryant the Avenue isn't...
Duckie

[Butterflies]

7. I wouldn't say anything

as long as her clothes aren't dirty and she doesn't smell, why should it affect you? Live and let live.

[Rainbowreflect]

8. My first thought was to say do nothing, but you do really seem concerned.

Maybe you could suggest shopping together at lunch or on the weekend. If you feel money is an issue go with her to thrift shops and pull out more professional outfits and tell her how great you think they would look on her.

[Mobius]

9. Dress head to toe in black

face mask, sunglasses, the whole 9 yards...Call in sick...Make sure she is at work...Break into her living space, take all of her clothes to the nearest hell hole that sells Old Navy , put the clothes on the steps (outside, we dont wanna kill anyone here...), pour kerosine on them, and light on fire chanting..."The power of BERTHA V compells you! The power of BERTHA V compells you! The power of BERTHA V compells you! The power of BERTHA V compells you!...", till clothes go out or you see cops coming.
Go back to her living space, replace the clothes you feel will be more suitable.
Simple:shrug:

[Bertha Venation]

11. okay, read this now:

I'm the sloppy dresser. I work with someone who deigned to comment on my style of dress today. I wrote it up the way I did because I'm ashamed of how I dress but honestly, who cares? I'm trying to decide whether to ignore this woman or be a bitch to her face. One thing is sure: she can keep her god-damned money.

Bitch.

[GOPisEvil]

13. Damn straight.

If your boss doesn't mind, why should anyone else?

[SendTheGOPPacking]

15. I didn't see this before I responded.

Don't be a bitch to her.

She thought she was being helpful but should have minded her own business.

She made an honest mistake. And I wouldn't assume she considered you a "sloppy" dresser either.

[Bertha Venation]

16. You wouldn't assume that?

I would, based upon what she said:

her: "Did you know the hem is falling out of your pants?"
me: "It's not; they're just old & frayed."
her: "Oh. That looks kinda sloppy, doesn't it?"

Then she proceeded to send me a "no offense meant" email and offered to take me shopping, her treat.

But I do agree: I have no doubt she thought she was being helpful, and yes, she should've minded her own buisness.

[SendTheGOPPacking]

17. Sweetie, are we talking semantics here?

If the hem is falling out, she calls it sloppy and you call it old and frayed. This is information I didn't previously know, and, well, if the hem is falling out and is noticeable, what's the difference how you describe it? This is probably not appropriate in a professional setting.

You sorta set us up with that original post. I agree she should have minded her own business, but the tone I got in the original message was that there was no harm or offense intended.

I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt. I don't know what else to say. I am not your enemy here.

[Bertha Venation]

21. Enemy?

Uh, no, no enemies here, and nothing in my post should've been construed as me thinking you're my enemy. And you owe me no apology.

I suppose it is just semantics, but when someone uses the word "sloppy" I imagine that that's what she's thinking, too. And, AAMOF, the hem is not falling out; the crease, where it meets the shoe top, is frayed.

I didn't intend to set anyone up. I wanted honest reactions to the situation as the person who offended me may have experienced it. I attempted to put myself in her place. I got the reaction I expected from everyone -- which was my immediate reaction in the moment.

"I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt" -- why? You didn't hurt them, and they're not your feelings.

No harm, no foul here. :hi:

[SendTheGOPPacking]

24. Good

I think you will find your way with this.

The important thing is the gal that brought this up meant no harm and was only trying to be helpful.

I am just as prideful as you are and would have the same initial reaction.

[SendTheGOPPacking]

19. She also offered to take you shopping as her treat

So this indicates she was really TRYING to mend fences when she though she offended you. Maybe she thought you couldn't afford to get new pants, which is probably the truth.

But I would probably reject the offer too out of pride. That doesn't mean the offer should be seen with any disdain or ill will. I would just feel beholding to someone I worked with under such circumstances so I would have to reject the offer.

How hard would it be to fix the hem on the pants? *ducking*

[Bertha Venation]

22. yes, she was trying to mend fences

and I am sitting here trying to forgive. I'm a flawed human being.

And yes, I must reject the offer. I found it terribly offensive, no matter what her motives are.

[SendTheGOPPacking]

14. Mind your own business

[OneBlueSky]

18. contact "What Not To Wear" on The Learning Channel (TLC) . . .

if they choose her, she'll get $5,000 and help spending it on a new wardrobe . . . hair and makeup included, too . . .

[tom_paine]

20. Yes, I'd tell you what you're telling yourself.

Sage advice.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

23. Based on your explanation further down in the thread

I think SHE picked up on the fact that you are ashamed at how you present yourself. Combined with the fact that you have indicated that you want to do something about your weight, I think this person wanted to offer you her guidance on dressing in order to have you FEEL GOOD about your own presentation.

I am a professional and really NEVER felt good about my tast in clothing even when I had a perfectly athletic body. A friend of mine who was a fashion model at the time said, "let me take you shopping." years ago...it was AWKWARD and I felt funny, but I have never regretted it... she had me get outside the BOX I view myself in to see things I never considered about dress and presentation.

I say, take her up on the offer and then see how good you feel about yourself...extra weight and all.