I'm so fucking angry right now.

[proteus_lives]

Had an argument with my father tonight. The details don't matter, it's the same fucking argument we've been having for twenty years.

I fucking hate, hate rehashing the same goddamn issues over and over.

Nothing, nothing I do will change this cycle. Short of cutting him out of my life, which I'm not going to do because I love the bastard.

And now with his medical issues, it's going to get worse because his memory is shot, his liver is shot, his back is shot and he's terrified of how the rest of his life is going to be. He's scared and lashing out which I understand but I still fucking angry about.

I guess what I'm seething about is that I'm not allowed to be angry with him, I'm not allowed to be angry with my family. They are all allowed to flip-out, freak-out and self-medicate but I raise my voice, it's like, "What wrong with you buster?"

I will always be 12 years old to him and he still sometimes treats me like a know-nothing kid. I don't know if it's because I'm the youngest or because we virtually out of contact for most of my teenage years.

And the irritating thing is, I let him in knowing full well this is one of the by-products. Because I'm selfish, he's filled with good advice, knowledge and insight. My entire relationship with my father relationship with my father can be summed up with, "You gotta take the good with the bad."

I think one thing you have to realize about your parents when you grow-up is that certain issues will never be resolved.

Ahhhh, I need to smoke a few cigarettes.

[jobycom]

1. Well, you got around to all the right parts, anyway.

You know you'll never resolve the issues, you know they are part of his relationship with you, and you know that's more about him than you. Sooner or later, if you both live long enough, you'll get to a point where it doesn't matter to you anymore, and he might even get to a point where he doesn't need the fear for you (and maybe guilt) anymore. That happened with my parents. We couldn't see each other without it being a raging inferno of emotions and accusations. Now my father has had too many strokes, my mother's relatives are all dying at about the age she is now, and it just really doesn't matter anymore to us. But Damn it was hard getting here.

As a parent now, I know how hard it is to stop parenting, and how badly a parent feels that every failure of a child is really the parent's failure. Doesn't make me think they were any lesser bastards back then for what they put me through, but it does show me a little bit why they were bastards, and it makes me realize how likely I am to be just as bad on my kids.

Anyway, good luck. Vent all you want, we'll make more.

[JCMach1]

2. I am 43 and father still treats me the same...

Feel free to scream... it usually feels better.

[MajorChode]

3. I had good days and bad days with my dad

He's been gone since '96. I'd gladly take a bad day right now.

Not everying needs to be resolved. No two people see eye to eye on everything.

[mdmc]

4. Ah, you love your pops

:)

[Phentex]

5. I'm sorry. It's the same with my mother...

Her memory about the awful things are gone and I have had to realize that SHE will never realize my position. So I have to deal with her like a stranger at times. Like you, I am not allowed to be angry and it wouldn't do much good anyway.

It sucks. I sympathize with you!

[lunatica]

6. I took care of my mother for years and it was very hard

She had Dementia, although it didn't progress much because she was taking Aricept. But she got pancreatic cancer and had home hospice care and she died over a period of three months. In those three months all my anger was resolved as she became a sweet woman who died with as much dignity as I've seen in any person. In life we were at each other constantly, but we became a good family during the death process. I have no regrets for all those years I spent taking care of her and not having a life of my own. Sometimes I did at the time, but that's all gone and part of the past. It's been resolved.

I've since heard many stories of how much of life and death is resolved when your family members have the blessing of dying at home under the excellent care of home hospice. I highly recommend it. It's a much better way of dying that being in a hospital. The dying person is at home in familiar surroundings and with family. And the benefits are just as profound for the rest of the family.

[raccoon]

7. Check out Al Anon. It has worked wonders in my life. nt

[mnhtnbb]

8. Another thing to realize about parents is that, in the interest of maintaining

a relationship (which you say you want to do) you can avoid the hot button issues, or refuse
to let him push your buttons.

If you get tired of being pushed around, walk out the door. End the phone conversation.
Give yourself a time-out until you feel the anger ebbing.

I had a mother like that. We could never get along. No matter what I did, it was never
good enough. I tolerated her--and limited my exposure to her--in her later years.

It just left me with sadness that she was unable to appreciate what a fabulous daughter
she had because of her own narcissism.

Good luck.