It is too serious in here, so I will tell my syphilis story.

[LeftyFingerPop]

I think I was 12 or 13...it was not too long after my father had died.

He had a few graphic medical books, complete with color pictures, that he had kept deep in the closet. When my mother was not home, I would get out the books and gaze at the pictures with fascination.

One book had pages and pages of pictures of sores caused by syphilis. I also read about the stages of syphilis. I became obsessed with syphilis. I was also obsessed with Al Capone, who died of complications from syphilis.

One day, I noticed a strange looking sore, about an inch below my navel. It was quite large, about the size of a quarter. It did not take me long to realize that I HAD THE FUCKING SYPHILIS!

I did not know what to do...I could not tell my mother. So I did what any young man would do...I went to a phone booth (in case my phone was tapped), and called my best friend Mike. I screamed into the phone... I GOT THE FUCKING SYPHILIS! I'M GOING TO END UP LIKE AL CAPONE FISHING OFF A BOAT IN MY BATHROBE WITH MY BRAIN ROTTED OUT!!

He tried to no avail to convince me that there was no way that I had syphilis, but I had worked myself up into a panic. I told him that he needed to come with me to the health department which was two towns over. When he asked how we would get there, I told him we would have to take a bus so no one would know. At first, he refused to go with me because "something always happens to you when you go somewhere". I finally convinced him to take the bus ride with me.

We were sitting together in the same seat for the 7 mile bus ride.

After a few minutes, I heard "meow". My friend and I just looked at each other. Again, in a female voice....."meow". I turned around and sitting behind us was a lady, probably in her 40's, wearing black high heels, and a long flowing blue dress. She smiled at me, winked, licked her lips, and meowed. Mike said "this is why I hate to go anywhere with you".

The lady got off at one of the stops, and sprinted down the street in her high heels with her dress flowing behind her. Come to find out, this was this infamous local "cat lady" who believed she was actually a cat and lived her life as a cat. There was this one restaurant she always went to where they let her drink milk from a saucer.

When we arrived at the Health Center, the doctor asked me why I was there. I told him about the sore, and said I had syphilis. He told me to undo my belt. He got out a magnifying glass and looked at the sore. He said "Do you have a girlfriend?" I said no. He asked me if I ever had sex. I said no. He kind of rolled his eyes, told me I didn't have syphilis, gave me an antibiotic ointment, and sent me on my way.

The bus ride home was uneventful.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

1. omg

tears.streaming.down my cheeks.

laughing.

Laughing!!

LAUGHING!!!

jay-sus. Lefty. Only You.

[LeftyFingerPop]

3. Here...

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. Al - fishing with a cigar

omg :rofl:

[LeftyFingerPop]

6. Seriously, that picture haunts me to this day.

:rofl:

[madinmaryland]

2. taterguy's name is "Mike". Heh! Why didn't you tell him to shut his pie hole!

Then you wouldn't have gotten syphilis.

:D

[Kali]

5. ...

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

thankyou, again
for real

[LeftyFingerPop]

7. You're very welcome.

:rofl:

[MadMaddie]

8. Ah childhood memories are the best.

[retread]

9. Wait a minute! You have to have sex to get syphilis? You don't catch it from toilet seats?

My mother was WRONG???

[Name removed]

10. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[LeftyFingerPop]

11. Please don't be disturbed. It's very real.

[jmowreader]

12. And I will tell my gonorrhea story

Or actually I won't because I don't want to lock the thread, but it's a really good story and it doesn't involve me catching the clap! So PM me if you want to see it.

[pokerfan]

13. she said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about...

Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story??

Kramer: You can't get it from that.

Sophie: But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.

[annabanana]

14. "something always happens to you when you go somewhere".

I think everyone has at least one friend likethat.

[JohnnyLib2]

15. Uh oh.

Now I know where the doctor who was telling stories at a cocktail party got that one.... :evilgrin:

[OmahaBlueDog]

16. That's a great story

I have no idea if it's true, and it's such a great story that it really does not matter

[LeftyFingerPop]

17. Sadly and unfortunately, it's true. n/t

[OmahaBlueDog]

20. It's neither sad nor unfortunate: It's a great story, and very well told

It's something any boy who was ever 12 can relate to.

The "something always happens" sentiment on the part of your friend makes it funny

The cat lady adds the perfect touch of surreality and pathos

And the ending (you knew the ending a mile away) was not at all bad. You don't have syphillis, here is some ointment, now go home.

[texanwitch]

18. That is so funny, thanks for the laugh.

I can tell you a similar story about a girl back in junior high.

I had a few classes with this girl so I knew her.

A boy had kissed her and she started to panic.

I found her crying in the girls bathroom, and had to explain to her how babies are made.

She thought she was having a baby.

I was always thankul for living on a farm, I knew where babie came from very early.

My Aunt had nursing books my cousins and I used look at.

The pictures were of people with awful medical problems, we would sneak the books into the hay barn.

I don't know why we would have wanted to look at those awful pictures.

[MiddleFingerMom]

21. That's perfectly understandable...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...there have been times in the bathroom when I thought I was
having a baby... and I'm a GUY!!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Plus that 'prerequisite of sex' thing.
.
.
.
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.
All of a sudden, I don't think MY story is very funny anymore.
.
.
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I don't wanna talk about it.
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.

[redwitch]

19. You can really tell a story! Hilarious!

Kids are so dumb. :-)