I was a witness to domestic violence last night

[Texasgal]

I was thinking about whether to post this is not, but I figured I could use some advice. This may be long, so sit tight!

Last evening I was invited to a friends house for dinner. This is a couple that I have known for almost twenty years, the husband is an old friend of the family. I've known HIM since grade school. They have a 15 year old son, their son I have gloated over, taken on vacation and done things with since i have no children of my own. I adore him!

So, we are having cocktails the BBQ is going we are swimming etc.

This evening I noticed the couple mildly sparring with each other, It wasn't a huge thing... just kind of cranky sparring. This is not unusual between good friends or so I thought.

As the evening wore on, the comments are becoming more intense and the words are being flung more freely, yes alcohol was involved. No one was drunk, just feeling okay etc.

Then, out of the blue... the wife said something and the husband literally throws himself across the table, she is knocked over and he starts hitting her. His son standing was standing in the dining room. I screamed CALL 911. Handed him the phone and then tried to assist in getting him off of her. While his son was calling, he ran to the garage... his father ran after him and I got between then screaming to not TOUCH HIM! (sorry this all happened so fast )

Soon, the police showed up.

To make a long story even longer... he was arrested and charged with domestic violence. Texas does NOT play. They will arrest you even if you request them not too... which the wife did.. she begged the police not to arrest him. The son, my baby was scared to death and requested that i take him home with me to feel safer. I complied. He is still with me this evening. The wife is back at home with a friend trying to come to grips with all of this.

He called me from jail and wanted a bail out. I told him to fuck off. I am feeling really weird about this and love him as an old friend, but I am NOT sorry that I called the police. I am just NOT sorry. He is calling crying telling me he needs me to help him and I am stuck in a quandary. I have known this guy for a long time and this is very odd behavior, he is a genuinely nice guy all around.

He is still in jail. His bail is 1,000. I have the money, he will pay me back. Do I spring him?

Help me DU.

[seabeyond]

1. what does the son say. now that it has been exposed to you, for the first time i assume,

did the son open up? is there a histroy? does he go after the son?

i know it is hard. having one loved one that ends up in jail is a tough one. their fault, yet the play on everything to get you to help

i cannot imagine this is the first time this man has done this.

[Texasgal]

6. His son is on the fence.

He is worried about his Dad being in jail, but at the same time he is scared...

I've never had a tall lanky pre-teen jump in my lap before and ask me to protect him. It broke my heart.

[seabeyond]

8. ah....

i am telling ya, from what you are saying about boys reaction, it is not the first time and not just the mom.

[Texasgal]

11. Uggg.

It's so upsetting, especially to have this young baby involved.

I even brought the dog home with me. :(

Thank goodness he feels safe here, he just ate a PB&J and his playing video games.

[jobycom]

35. Yeah, that's what I'd think, too.

First, it's unlikely a grown man with a teen son married that long just changes personality one night and starts hitting someone. People who don't hit don't hit. People who do hit don't do it for the first time in their mid 30s or older, especially around other people.

Second, the kid wouldn't be scared of his father if his father had never done that before. The kid would be in shock saying "He's never done that before, I don't understand," and would be looking for an explanation.

Third, if the father had never done that before, he wouldn't have kept it up after you tried to break it up. He would have realized what he did, he would have been most angry at himself, and he wouldn't have threatened his son, too.

From your description, they had practiced that scene before, and I don't mean a rehearsal type practice. They knew their roles too well, only you created a different script this time.

I'd leave him in jail. His family needs help. Maybe he needs help. If you bail him out, you become part of his support network, his enabler. He may even decide to make you part of his game, just to test your limits. Not all at once, of course. First he's grateful, but maybe just a little bit aggressive, to give you a warning, or to make you afraid to push him. He'd act a little unstable more than threatening, so you'd think you have to be careful just so he won't snap. Later he'd escalate, depending on your action. At some point he'd get in your face about something, just to make you flinch. Then maybe a threatening gesture, like he was about to shove or grab you, but by an effort he regained control. He'd make it so you weren't sure you really saw it. Just enough that you weren't sure of his motives but were still more afraid he would snap if you stood up to him.

The way people like that get away with it is by being the sweetest people alive most of the time. Maybe he really is most of the time. Maybe he only goes crazy when he drinks or under certain situations. But no one stops him, so he keeps doing it. If he's as persuasive as you make it sound, he's used to getting away with things, which means he's used to being smooth and knowing just how to push someone.

That's my opinion. Not one I like giving. :(

[kimi]

40. Totally agree here

I had a lot of experience as a kid seeing this in my dad, and with my mom going through it all. People, close friends, knew it was happening, and no one stepped in. Even when it involved us kids. Men like this - and I have no doubt women abusers do the same - are manipulative as hell. They know ALL the buttons to push, all the right things to say, all the ways to work the system to their advantage. It's about time the system started working them.

Sorry, that may sound harsh, but it's gotta be that way if there is going to be some healing for this family. Best of luck to you, the boy, and the mom. And, of course, the dog. Take care.

[EFerrari]

43. I second every word. And want to underline: this person is now dangerous.

That's not going to change without a lot of work, if it ever does. That family is in danger of more violence. Those are the stakes.

I'm so sorry Texasgal.

[chrisa]

55. I agree. It's the same bs with abusers.

The "Oh, I'm sorry! Please forgive me! I'll never do it again!" crap until they do it again, and say the same thing.

You have to be a grade A jerk to beat on a woman like that. It's not just something you do out of the blue. These abusers also use guilt as a weapon ("You made me hit you! Why do you have to act like that!?"), and they emotionally manipulate everyone. It's very sad. The best thing this woman could do, imo, is leave him, because it might save her life.

[Kali]

2. they are ALWAYS a genuinely nice guy all around

don't buy it, "sorry I can not, I saw what you did" - he needs help, not enabling he needs to face the consequences and so does she if she is letting him do this

[Texasgal]

10. I dunno though

I've known this guys since grade school. I've always known him to be an all around nice guy.

I'm not excusing this behavior though, I am sick over this...

[Kali]

19. then something IS wrong and he needs all the motivation jail will provide

to get help and fix it. Bailing him out is NOT going to help. If he gets better he will thank you eventually, if not then he will likely go back or end up really hurting somebody. The judge will likely let him out pretty fast if this is a first offense anyway.

Tell him you care very much but he has to do this by the book, on his own.

[orleans]

46. but you don't live with him

so you know him, but you know one side of him.

if he calls again for bail or anything, remind him that you were there--you saw what he did and he should call someone else

and if that fifteen year old kid really did sit in your lap you can bet your ass there is some major shit and rage going on in that house

[Schema Thing]

33. uh no, more like they are *never* a genuinely nice guy

and it's usually fairly obvious.

[Moondog]

3. Not no, but hell no.

This is 35 years of being a licensed attorney speaking. The proper response by you is KMAG YOYO - Kiss My Ass Guy, You're On Your Own.

[pgodbold]

4. No! Do not post bail. I tell you this as someone who has both been in jail and bailed others out of

jail. Let him go before a judge for first appearance and they will work it out. He MUST face the consequences of his behavior. Trust me, I'm pleading with you. Do not bail him out.

[Texasgal]

16. I'm thinking he will not see the judge

until monday, that's why he is freaking out, he has a state job and needs to be at work.

GAHHH. I wish I had never been a part of this.

[WolverineDG]

25. As I tell respondents & their attorneys all the time

"Things you should think about before beating your wife/husband/partner. Not.My.Problem."

dg

[quakerboy]

44. No offense, but your post shows you know better than this

You needed to be there. I am sincerely glad you were there. If you had not been there, who knows how many more times this would have happened before someone with the guts to meet it head on noticed? Would it have been before someone was seriously physically damaged, as well as whatever mental damage they have already taken?

I would echo others here. This guy didn't just come up with this out of the blue. This has happened before, and even with this occurrence and the light it will shine on the situation, I would guess it will happen again. In light of that, I would strongly suggest you be careful to protect yourself. Be careful, this man does not have control of you, and that may well be an untenable situation for him.

I only wish someone like you was able to be there for everyone in this situation.

[REP]

5. He does need help

He can start by bailing his own ass out.

[Texasgal]

7. Okay... this is what I needed to hear

My mind says keep his ass in there, my heart says get him out!

[REP]

9. Well, he did put it there; he's an adult - he has to deal with what happens now

Even if this is a rare case of personality change due to something exotic, he really needs to fix it.

[Texasgal]

14. I agree.

I told him on the phone that he needed to stay there and deal with his actions, he was bawling and telling me he just "snapped" and needs some help.

He says he is in with hardened criminals and dosen't belong there... *sigh*

[pgodbold]

18. It's a con ... hardened criminals are in state-federal prisons. Not county jails. Nice try.

[SwampG8r]

67. you havent ever spent the night in custody have you?

federal lockups are all pretty nice
stste and county facilities not so nice

[Xithras]

65. As I said in #63...

If there's really a mental health issue, make him this offer: You'll bail him out ONLY if he checks himself into an inpatient mental health facility TODAY. Freedom shouldn't be an option. Treatment should be.

[Chan790]

49. If it settles your heart, at all...

unless TX is dramatically different in approach than most states, they won't hold him that long on $1000 bail-note.

They'll likely spring him after his arraignment on Monday with a promise to appear and a condition that he can't return to the house. It'd cost them more than $1000 to hold him until trial, so unless they think he's a flight-risk or more likely to violate his conditional release than most, they'll release him. That should do nothing for your mind, he's very likely going to get nasty with you since you didn't bail him out. Expect as well, the guy is probably going to call you and want to know if he can sleep on your couch if he can't go home. You can say no if you want.

Both you and she should be able to get restraining orders if you ask for them. (For different reasons. Her as a victim, you as the complaining witness to a violent crime afraid of intimidation.) Minimally, if she won't get one, you might want to call your local women's crisis center or domestic abuse crisis center to see if you can petition for one on the behalf of the son both as a complaining witness and a potential victim...he should have one anyways, but him having one keeps dad at bay as long as the son is with the mother and it lets the son know that he doesn't have to be cooperative or complicit if mom lets dad come home in violation of his conditional release. Be the proactive one here, advocate and get help for the wife if she wants it. Advocate and get help for the kid if he wants it even if it ruins your friendship with his parents. The hardest part of getting out of an abusive relationship once you've decided that you're not going to take it anymore is feeling like you're going it alone...so make sure they know they're not.

And yes, advocate and get the help he needs for your friend if he wants it; just make sure he knows the help he needs may not be the help he wants. He might ask you to help save his marriage or lie for him to save his job, it's not your place. But getting him into anger management and making sure he goes, getting him psychotherapy if he wants to deal with any underlying conditions, stressors or issues that might be triggers; and getting him to stop drinking (I know, you're thinking "but he's not an alcoholic." If he has an underlying rage or violence issue and drinking lowers his inhibition to act out (and the provoking incident of this thread kind of shows that to be the case), then even casual drinking is one drink too many.) may save his marriage, his job and his life anyways. If nothing changes, then nothing will change. (It seems hokey but it's a fact. If he doesn't deal with his causes of domestic violence, he will likely continue to commit domestic violence.)

I was that 15 year old once and I didn't have anybody, so on his behalf "Thank You."

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. No. Help the wife and the son. Do not worry about the man another minute.

[lunatica]

13. Spending time in jail won't kill him

It won't even hurt him. Tell him that you would help him if his life were at stake but that right now his wife and son need to be away from him.

Unfortunately you'll probably find out he's been a bully for a long time.

My son's father used to beat me yet everyone thought he was the nicest person alive. I was too ashamed to ever tell anyone about it. But I left when my son was still a very young boy because I knew that one day he would abuse him. He was already showing signs of becoming impatient with him. Shortly before I left I came between him and my son by pushing his raised hand away. I really got beaten that day.

[Texasgal]

17. I am so sorry..

I am sorry that you experienced that violence. :hug:

I am so out of the loop here, I have no idea how to deal with this.

[mzteris]

51. Call your local domestic violence hotline

they have counselors who can talk with you about it. Yes, YOU have been traumatized as well so yes, YOU need help, too.

Your FIRST and primary "responsibility" here is to the son and then to the mom. Please get her to talk to a counselor as well - TAKE HER - get her to get a restraining order. Does she have family? Anyone else she can rely on for help? Get the son into counseling ASAP.

IF this is truly the "first time" (which I highly doubt) - then there is an underlying medical issue and the man needs to see a doc for a full workup asap and in the meantime - he would WANT to keep his family safe by STAYING AWAY FROM THEM. If he's whining and crying about himself and HIS life, then you know he's a selfish bastard who's been abusing them for years.

Again - take care of the boy, take care of yourself, then try and talk some sense into the mom about taking care of HERSELF and don't be afraid to play the guilt guilt guilt card where her son is concerned. . . GET HER TAKE ACTION!

[pgodbold]

15. Or you could send me the thousand and I'll burn it for you. Same difference. nt

[pgodbold]

20. I made several comments but I forgot to say just HUGS and I'm sorry you had to go through that.. nt

[Texasgal]

21. Thank you..

This is really tough on me... Thank you.

[elleng]

22. Spring him AND GET THE FAMILY HELP IMMEDIATELY.

:hug:

and THANK YOU.

[kimi]

23. I'm so sorry you witnessed that

and so sorry for the family, ESPECIALLY the wife and son. And the dog, of course. The hubby, not so much. I grew up in an abusive household, and just wish to hell that this situation had happened early on for me, that my dad had been hauled off to jail. The guy needs to be dealt with by the prosecutors, and his family needs time to heal and adjust. You've absolutely done the right thing, and your instincts are on target. Good for you, and bless your heart for wanting to be a good friend and seeing the dilemma, but the guy needs to deal with his own demons. He's not in danger, but if he went home, his family WOULD be.

You're handling it the right way. Give the son, who you love very much, time to decompress and play his video games and calm down, and time for the wife to come to grips with her own new reality. The courts will handle the rest. I hope social workers or some kind of system is in place to help them. Let us know. Hugs.

[WolverineDG]

24. You did the right thing

Don't bail him out. If things go further, you may be needed as a witness & it will kind of kill your credibility that he's dangerous if you bailed him out. Don't be surprised if the wife files for a protective order then doesn't go through. It happens all the time.

The son will be on the fence. The kids always are. Best thing to do is to not put him in the middle where he feels he has to make a choice between Mom or Dad.

dg

[applegrove]

26. I would leave him in jail.

[Robeson]

27. You were right. Now, perhaps he will get the help he needs.

[proteus_lives]

28. Is this part of a pattern?

If not, bail him out.

If he's not a serial abuser, then there is something else going on.

[seabeyond]

30. ya. i am not getting if he is a serial abuser, or first time thing either. it matters. nt

[david13]

29. I would go to the judge and ask that the bail be raised. Particularly

most especially so if he was a friend of mine. That is totally unacceptable. Then I would probably never speak to him again as long as I lived.
dc

[mnhtnbb]

31. He needs professional help--not yours. You help the wife and son.

Do not spring him.

[Odin2005]

32. NO, let him ROT!!!

[XemaSab]

34. That SUCKS

How horrible.

I'm glad to see that the police took it seriously.

And no, don't bail his ass out.

[jobycom]

36. I posted something at #35

Just wanted to make it more obvious, since it's in an odd place.

[Kaleva]

37. Let him sit in jail.

"To make a long story even longer... he was arrested and charged with domestic violence. Texas does NOT play. They will arrest you even if you request them not too... which the wife did.. she begged the police not to arrest him."

I also suggest you ought to accept the fact you will lose them both as friends. You did the right thing but I wouldn't be the least surprised if they both later turn on you.

[Supply Side Jesus]

38. He will need a place to stay

More than likely he'll have a Restraining Order preventing him from returning home. If you trust him to not flip out after bail, get him out and have him stay at your place. It might help with your sense of guilt should you feel any for calling the Police.

I can almost guarantee this wasn't first time he struck her. The wife's reaction is very typical of a guilt ridden spouse.

You can be there for them both, or wash your hands of them. Either way will probably be hard. good luck

[struggle4progress]

39. If I were you (and I'm not) -- and if these folk were old good friends (which only you can know) --

I wouldn't be getting in the middle of it

I might say to the wife -- he asked me to bail him out, and I really think that's either his responsibility or maybe the responsibility of both of you: it's not my issue

I'd probably be pleasant and sympathetic with her: if she wants the money to bail him out, let her ask for it

I have no opinion about the underlying facts. He assaulted her. That's what I know. She may or may not have deliberately set out to provoke it. I don't know. Either way, there's a problem in the relationship. It's not my relationship. I can't have any opinion about whether they should stay together or not. But I'm not just providing money to bail him out unless they agree to face the problem: AA, counseling, a separation, whatever

If she asks for the loan, I'm OK with it only if she tells me they've both agreed to do something concrete to face the problem -- and if the loan is documented in writing

It's not my job to actually monitor whether they actually do something to face their problem, but the pattern is often: violence, forgiveness, quiet spell, more violence ... so why would I just bail him out without saying I think there's a problem?

And loans between friends, frankly, are often the end of a friendship: so, it goes in writing

[Kaleva]

41. I don't loan money to friends or family. I just give it to them as a gift.

Even if they say they are just borrowing it, I have the attitude it's an outright gift so if I don't get paid back, there's no hard feelings.

[struggle4progress]

42. Personally I wouldn't be officially donating a grand to spring somebody on an assault charge

If I'm going to donate a grand, it's going to be to a cause I really support

In a practical sense, of course, you are right: the money isn't likely to come back

But in assault cases, I should think hard feelings are already in evidence

[Rhythm]

58. Deliberately set out to provoke it?! WTF?!

"Provoke" implies that the victim may have "asked" for the battering, and that's bullshit. Victims NEVER "provoke" it, much less deliberately. I can provoke you into getting pissed off at me, but I sure as hell can't provoke you into beating me. Partner battering is a CHOICE that ONLY the perpetrator is responsible for--it is NEVER provoked, I don't care HOW much of a bitch or a bastard the victim might have been acting like.

Jesus.

[struggle4progress]

59. Not at all what I said. Battery is a serious crime, in my view, and it should be;

moreover, I will say that someone who batters another gets no sympathy from me

That said, I will also point out that there are many forms of dysfunctional relationships, and that in my lifetime I have repeatedly seen circumstances in which one person deliberately set to provoke a bad reaction from another. I don't think the person provoked ever has an excuse for losing self-control, but the law will nevertheless in some circumstances recognize and take into account "fighting words" -- though I expect the courts are probably not inclined to take into account in domestic battery cases. Nevertheless, I have definitely seen both men and women deliberately set out to provoke bad behavior in others, and there's always the possibility that people living together for many years have developed a brutal understanding of how to push each other's bad-reaction buttons, especially if they haven't learned productive conflict resolution methods. I'm sorry if you don't like those remarks

If you read my post carefully you will also see that (1) I advised against bailing the fellow out and (2) I suggested there was a real likelihood the behavior would recur. I also said (3) there's a serious problem with the relationship and that (4) the folk involved needed to deal with their problem with AA, counseling, separation ...

[seabeyond]

62. i hear what you are saying. i have seen it myself. just get a divorce already.

i know a couple adn they always do this around people. we all get to watch their dance, adn none of us signed on for that.

[struggle4progress]

64. Who knows what goes on in people's pointy little heads ...

I had a couple of acquaintances thirty years ago, where A got pissed at B and got back by secretly having an affair. That, however, was not enough: A then gradually made sure that one by one all their close friends could all figure out that A must be having an affair. Then A gradually made sure that B could figure out that A was having an affair and that B could figure out that all their close friends had known for a while now that A was having an affair. B did not react well when the light finally dawned: in fact, B woke A up in the wee hours of the AM by using the sleeping A as punching bag

I wasn't quite close enough to them to be in on this nasty drama until the cataclysm -- at which point, a few folk clued me in; A and B split up and I never saw either again

ugh

[smoochpooch]

45. You will probably be called to testify if he's prosecuted.

The son may lie and say nothing happened, the wife may lie or be barred from testifying by spousal privilege. You would be the only one to testify as to what actually occurred, so I would keep that in mind.

[Mother Of Four]

47. My 2 cents...

Many times in situations like this when they go in front of the Judge they are given an option. Mandatory anger management and counseling, or jail. Then they are followed up on, going back every now and again to show they are doing as directed. Especially as this isn't a He said/she said, there are witnesses.

I'm so sorry for the wife and son, and you in this situation but it's the best possible thing that could have happened with this family meaning YOU being there and calling 911. The only thing that allows this sort of behavior to continue is keeping it a secret, it's not a secret anymore.

Buck up, if this person is truly a friend they'll realize that you only have the best interests of their family in mind, do NOT under any circumstances bail him out. This is one case where he has to face the piper all alone. He'll know he's hit the bottom and the only way to go from here is up.

Abuse is a vicious cycle...and I speak from experience. If she loves him, and he loves her (Contrary to popular belief abusers CAN love, sad but true. That's what makes this all the more heartbreaking.) then they'll work through this, get counseling and be stronger for it. It may also end up that what was a good friendship will become even more because you aren't turning your back on them, you are simply allowing him to clean up his own mess like the adult he is. On a sadder note, if the marraige is over you just gave this family another way to end the abuse instead of living on in it, sorry to repeat- but it's no longer a secret which means she and the son don't have to live in fear OR shame anymore.

Luck to you, back to lurking for me

[LiberalAndProud]

48. You know.

You love the guy. Wife loves the guy. Son loves the guy. He's a good guy
(except when)


And he's saying he's so so so so sorry. And it will never never never happen again. (until it does)


Help him get help, if you can.

[meow2u3]

50. One of my neighbors witnessed a man mistreating his lady

This guy is a maintenance man for the building I live in. Since he didn't witness physical, but emotional abuse, he didn't bother to call the cops; he took matters in his own hands, in a very funny, sneaky way--somthing I'd do myself if I had the chance to do so.

He found a dead, rotting, stinky chicken inside the soda machine, removed it from said machine, and proceeded to put it under the side of the bed of the the abusive excuse for a man--when he and his wronged girlfriend weren't home. :evilgrin:

[AngryOldDem]

52. No. Dom't enable him. n/t

[chrisa]

53. Ahhh yes. The "nice guy."

I would say, let him rot in that jail. If they did it in front of you, it was probably not even close to the first time it happened. I have no sympathy for abusers like that.

I think the wife should leave him and go far far away. Anybody that hits like that has dominant aggression issues, imo.

[Deep13]

54. Let him stay there.

There's no chance of a repeat performance while he is in jail.

Anyway, this is not your responsibility. He put himself there. It's up to him to deal with it.

[chrisa]

56. He's also manipulating you. This guy isn't your friend, imo.

He's trying to play with your mind to make you feel sorry for him and bail him out, so that he can go back home and hit his wife, and possibly you. That's why I'm worried. This is not somebody a young teen, or any woman should be around, imo. He's very dangerous.

That's why his wife stays with him. He plays the same tricks on her. That's the way these abusers are. :(

[av8rdave]

57. What a horrible thing to be witness to, much less be involved in

Personally, I would have a hard time bailing him out. IMO, it's important for him to see that even his longtime, best friends can't accept what he did.

Sadly, it's very unusual for someone who does that to not repeat it absent professional help. I hope he gets it.

So sorry for your experience.

[zabet]

60. Let him stay in jail.

He is an adult and needs to accept responsibility and the repercussions of his actions.

[Sweet Charming Dem]

61. Let him stay in jail

People who commit domestic violence are manipulative liars and often will try to paint themselves as the victim. They get out far too quickly anyway. He can spend the weekend in jail. Hopefully, he won't be allowed to return back to the house.

[Xithras]

63. It really depends on his history. If this is really a new thing, you may be able to help them all.

This is something that the boy and mother have to answer, and not you. Just because you haven't seen the abuse, doesn't mean it hasn't been there all along. Many abusers are highly skilled at hiding their abuse from others. If he has a history of being controlling and/or mentally or physically abusive, then let him rot. Your first responsibility is to prevent his wife and child from being harmed, and if he's a regular abuser, bailing him out helps nothing.

If he's never done anything like this before and just "snapped" for some reason, I'd make him this offer: "I'll bail your ass out of jail ONLY IF you agree to check yourself into a mental health facility TODAY, to figure out what the hell is going on in your head." If this is genuinely out of character for him, there may be mental health issues here that you're not aware of.

I wouldn't offer him freedom, but I'd offer to help move him from a punitive facility, to a facility that would help him fix whatever problems it is he's having to deal with.

[Kaleva]

66. kick as am interested in finding out what happens.

[seabeyond]

68. me, too. nt

[Old Troop]

69. No matter what anyone, including the participants, say, you did the

right thing. Many years ago I had a soldier beat his wife to the point she was in intensive care. I visited her and told her that I planned to remove her husband from their quarters and charge him with assault and battery. She said, "what happens in our house is none of your fucking business!" I still ordered him to move into the barracks and stay away from his family. No one was happy or loved me for it, but she wasn't beaten again.

[Kaleva]

70. I've heard so many stories...

about how the abused woman will turn on the police and/or friends trying to help her.