Letterman Top Ten lists from the 2000 campaign

[UrbScotty]

I thought I'd share a few Top Ten lists from the 2000 campaign, just 'for the heck of it.'

Things the Founding Fathers would say if they were alive today – 11/16/00
10. "Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!"
9. "Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn't such a bad idea after all..."
8. "Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines"
7. "That's odd -- in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond"
6. "So that's the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams"
5. "Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square"
4. "We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!"
3. "Back in our time there certainly wasn't anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin"
2. "He did what in the Oval Office?"
1. "Screw this, we're going to Canada"
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2000/ls_topten_archive_20001116.shtml

Lessons We've Learned From The 2000 Election – 12/11/00
10. Haven't heard "oral" on CNN this much since the whole Lewinsky thing
9. Voters prefer guy who lies about drinking to guy who lies about fundraising
8. If you keep saying, "I'm the President," eventually people start to believe you
7. In Florida, it's possible to go directly from cocktail waitress to Secretary of State
6. Gone are the good old days when politicians really knew how to rig an election
5. It's been a lot of trouble for two guys no one really liked in the first place
4. You can win any state if you work hard enough -- and your brother's governor
3. Warren Christopher is one sexy sum-bitch
2. If you want Gore for President, don't check the box for Buchanan
1. We'll be spared all of this in 2004 when Hillary waxes W's ass
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2000/ls_topten_archive_20001211.shtml

Headlines We're Likely To See In The Next Four Years – 12/13/00
10. "49 States Vote Florida Out Of Union"
9. "Supreme Court Justices Given Bitchin' Ferraris By Anonymous Texas Governor"
8. "W. Asked To Veto Bill...Bush Hires Guy Named 'Vito' To Beat Up Clinton"
7. "Cowboy Hat And Tennis Racket Stocks Soar"
6. "President Comes Away Empty-Handed From 'Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'"
5. "In Shortest State Of The Union Ever, President Declares, 'We Rock!'"
4. "Warren Christopher Turns 187"
3. "Dave And Oprah Letterman Honeymoon In Bahamas"
2. "Katherine Harris Returns To Job As Ramada Inn Cocktail Waitress"
1. "CNN, MSNBC, CNBC All Go Out Of Business Admitting 'We Got Nothin''"
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2000/ls_topten_archive_20001213.shtml

Items On George W. Bush's To-Do List – 12/15/00
10. Get fitted for an intern
9. Put favorite holiday decoration on front lawn: Santa in electric chair
8. Goodbye "Hail to the Chief" -- Hello "Messed Up In Mexico Living on Refried Dreams"
7. Tell Madeleine Albright, "Bill don't live here anymore -- stop the 2am calls"
6. Send Al Gore an FTD "Guess The Supreme Court Likes Me Better, Loser" bouquet
5. Figure out how to make eating squirrel acceptable -- them boys is tasty!
4. Do a little bipartisan work with Hillary, if you know what I mean
3. Tell Al Gore to keep his schedule clear in case things don't work out
2. Call Saddam Hussein, listen to the panic when he hears we got another "President Bush"
1. Thank Katherine Harris by sending her metric ton of mascara
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2000/ls_topten_archive_20001215.shtml

Rejected Gore/Lieberman Campaign Slogans – 9/14/00
10. "Vote For Me Or I'll Come To Your Home And Explain My 191-Page Economic Plan To You In Excruciating Detail"
9. "Remember, America: I Gave You The Internet, And I Can Take It Away. Think About It"
8. "Your Vote Automatically Enters You In Drawing For The 123 Billion-Dollar Budget Surplus"
7. "With Lieberman On The Ticket, You Get All Kinds Of Fun New Days Off"
6. "We Know When The Microphone Is On"
5. "Vote For Me, And I Will Take Whatever Steps Necessary To Outlaw The Term, 'Whazzzup!'"
4. "Gore/Lieberman -- You Don't Have To Worry About Pork Barrel Politics"
3. "You'll Thank Us In Four Years When The Escalator To The Moon Is Finished"
2. "If I Can Handle Letterman, I Can Handle Saddam Hussein"
1. "I'll Be Twice As Cool As That President Guy On 'The West Wing'"
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2000/ls_topten_archive_20000914.shtml

Announcements That Would Cause A Panic At The Republican National Convention – 8/2/00
10. "Stop by the concession area and pick up Barbara Bush's swimsuit calendar"
9. "At the conclusion of his speech, George W. Bush will execute some lucky delegate"
8. "Run for your lives! Dick Cheney's heart's gonna 'splode!"
7. "Because of the convention, 'Becker' will not be seen tonight"
6. "Please welcome a completely naked Jesse Helms"
5. "And now to sing our national anthem, David Letterman"
4. "Former President Bush, your son's head is stuck in the podium again"
3. "Richard Nixon is out in the parking lot and he's pissed"
2. "In anyone finds an appointment book filled with names of prominent Republicans, please return it to the hooker in the lobby"
1. "The caterer forgot the scotch"
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2000/ls_topten_archive_20000802.shtml

Signs You've Nominated A Dumb Guy – 8/4/00
10. Gets sidetracked during speeches because microphones look like delicious ice cream cones
9. Deep wrinkles in brow from countless times he's said, "Huh?"
8. Frequently misspells "GOP"
7. Ends speech by dramatically setting fire to the Constitution
6. Brags that he combines morality of Clinton with charisma of Gore
5. Voted to kick exotic dancer out of the "Big Brother" house
4. Claims to be inspired by great presidents such as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Richard Dawson
3. Only does interviews for wrestling magazines
2. Vows that come November, "The hookers are gonna be calling me 'Mr. President'"
1. Promises to put a man on the moon by 2005
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2000/ls_topten_archive_20000804.shtml

[StrongBad]

1. LOL those are great!

Thanks for the laugh!

[The Sushi Bandit]

2. Thank you!!

many smiles!

[UrbScotty]

3. Kick

:kick: