What is the schlockiest, cheesiest, kitschiest pop hit of all time?

[Mr. Ected]

I know there are many. I will start with the record parked at #2 on the Billboard chart on June 16, 1973: Playground In My Mind by Clint Holmes.


Edit to remove link. No one need relive this one.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

1. Mandy - Barry Manilow

no linkie. no can do.

[gmoney]

47. Mandy's actually not so bad compared to some others of his

"Copacabana" and "I Write the Songs" spring to mind as being far schlockier...

[Nailzberg]

69. I love the fact that he didn't write "I Write the Songs"

Just makes me giggle. Ashamed to say, I do like the song, though.

[Capn Sunshine]

118. Beach Boy Bruce Johnston wrote it

It's funny. He told me once he feels that tune paid for his place in Montecito.

[Capn Sunshine]

119. Beach Boy Bruce Johnston wrote it

It's funny. He told me once he feels that tune paid for his place in Montecito.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

82. weird.

I like Copacabana better than Mandy.

but, Yes. I write the songs is pure and total barf.

[Sugarcoated]

113. I like that song a lot

I had a dog named Mandy (alive at the time Mandy came out) and it made me think of her. I would tear up.:cry:

[Liberal Veteran]

2. Run Joey Run.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGLAH3Ojf20&feature=related

[lost-in-nj]

7. this is on my Ipod

cus I like cheesy!!!

:-)


lost

[Iggo]

60. Winner.

"Daddy please don't...we're gonna...get....mar...ried..."

[Tobin S.]

3. "Seasons in the Sun" by Terry Jacks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd_Fdly3rX8

I'd make a song like that, too, if I thought it might be a worldwide hit.

[gmoney]

49. fun cover of Seasons, by Squirrels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMXau-d2NpE

The original was actually a cover/translation of a popular French song, "Le Moribund" by Jacques Brel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Jl-R2NhUiI

[Skittles]

4. She's Having My Baby; dunno who, don't wanna know

:puke:

[BlueJazz]

32. Paul Anka. I rather liked "Diana" and even "Put your head on my shoulder" was OK....

...but that "you're having my screaming thing" truly sucked the big one.

[csziggy]

56. Especially when performed by the Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir

http://www.hulu.com/watch/308/wkrp-in-cincinnati-pilot-part-1

At about 12 minutes.

[SoxFan]

93. This is the ony correct answer

:applause:

[wickerwoman]

5. MMMBop?

Has to be in the top 10 anyway.

[Twillig]

17. Crazy Talk!

Mmmbop is a great pop song.

Under the sweet veneer of youthful appeal is a depressing song if you can understand the lyrics.

"So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
When you get old and start losing your hair
Can you tell me who will still care?"

As far as teen pop 'bubblegum' acts they were the Dream Theater of the genre.

Forever.

Hanson - Mmmbop (Jenny McCarthy - 1997)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYdZF43ghqw&feature=related

I make no apologies-except for Jenny McCarthy, of course.

In this thread--full of cloying, vapid, inane, maudlin songs--Mmmbop is one of the last songs worthy of membership herein!

[Twillig]

42. If anybody wants to argue I'm up for it. Nobody has responded to a God damn thing I've posted in

weeks.

:rofl:

[dawg]

101. In an mmbop ... you're gone ...

It's a freakin' heartbeat, and then you just drop dead. That song makes me want to have a panic attack ever since I actually read the lyrics.

[MorningGlow]

6. "I've Never Been to Me"

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :puke:

[Systematic Chaos]

18. That is one of the worst songs EVER!

I remember looking through the Billboard Hot 100 chart for the year that was released (wasn't that 1981? I forget now), and realizing that this pile of horseshit was the ONLY song in the whole hundred I didn't like at least a little bit.

Proof that there's always one in every crowd.

[deutsey]

77. That is the first song that came to my mind

For some ungodly reason these lyrics have been burned into my mind:

I've been undressed by kings
and seen some things
that a girl just ain't supposed to see.

:puke:

Then there's that spoken part in the middle.

:scared:

[Arugula Latte]

88. Yes, that was the first one I thought of. What gawd-awful dreck.

It's so horrible it's become craptastic.

[Still Blue in PDX]

117. I've never heard of this and am feeling compelled to go hunt it down.

How big of a mistake would that be??

Dare I?

On edit: AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH. :puke:

[Gidney N Cloyd]

8. "Feelings."

Game over. Rack 'em up again.

[Chan790]

10. I'll see your Feelings and raise you...

Wannabe by the Spice Girls. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3wgaWAHo2Q

The true awfulness of this song was not entirely apparent even past its' schlockiest, cheesiest, kitschiest pop hit ever status until the day I heard some guy do a Lounge-singer version of it. The song has no point and the message is muddled...and it's the schlockiest, cheesiest, kitschiest pop hit ever.

[gmoney]

48. The Night Chicago Died

Glory Be...

[Iggo]

61. Paper Lace, baby.

[lost-in-nj]

9. can not wait to read the replies!!!!

lost

[Ikonoklast]

11. Oh, waaaay too easy!

"Afternoon Delight" by the Starland Vocal Band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fz1ex78QeQI



Proof that the Grammys are nothing but a load of bull.

[Sanity Claws]

13. I remember the version done by The Captain and Tenille

Yes, it was schlocky

[Ikonoklast]

16. I have a confession to make.

They opened for John Denver.





I saw them perform live.






I haven't been quite the same since.

[rug]

24. They wrote "Take Me Home, Country Roads".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Take_Me_Home,_Country_Roads

[Ikonoklast]

31. Yeah, Denver signed them and was a big supporter.

And for that he's burning in Hell.

[rug]

34. That's harsh.

For that, I condemn you to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59BZxgohr9g

[Ikonoklast]

35. You vicious bastard.

That...that was...(clunk).

[deutsey]

78. Starland Vocal Band or Capt. and Tennille?

I watched TV shows for both back in the '70s (I think David Letterman was on the SVB show) and I haven't been quite the same since either. :-)

[driver8]

46. I used to work for the Captain and Tenille.

They owned a recording studio in Los Angeles called "Rumbo Recorders".

It was a great studio -- a lot of big name producers liked working there because it was in Canoga Park away from all of the trouble that comes with Hollywood.

Guns n' Roses recorded "Appetite for Destruction", there -- and I'm pretty sure it is where Axl Rose was holed up while making "Chinese Democracy."

[ThomasQED]

20. I kind of love that song

:shrug:

[Ikonoklast]

21. Death is too good for you.

[ThomasQED]

23. Can we just agree

to both hate Wannabe by the Spice Girls?

[Ikonoklast]

25. I refuse to concede the point.

This is not a negotiation.

[ThomasQED]

27. Aw

well how about we enjoy a schlocky song made amazing through the miracle of cover songs?

Sonic Youth - Superstar

[Ikonoklast]

33. No.

[foxfeet]

12. "You're Having My Baby." Paul Anka

[sofa king]

14. (How Much Is) That Doggie in the Window?

#1 in the US and the UK in '53--two different versions of it. It spawned an entire decade of crap knock-off tunes that rose through payola scamming alone, muscled out bebop jazz from the radio and, I suspect, opened the door for Lawrence Welk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AkLE4X-bbU

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%28How_Much_Is%29_That_Doggie_in_the_Window%3F

The worst part is that shit music like this is now and possibly forever associated with doddering old people and elevators, so on the off chance that I live to an old age, I will likely still have to listen to that sort of crap instead of death metal and DC hardcore.

Edit: My girlfriend, who is an actual musician with talent, names "Candyman" by Sammy Davis Jr., and also "Playground in My Mind," which I think was mentioned in another post above. She didn't read this thread first, so Clint Holmes seems to be taking an early lead.

[Curmudgeoness]

15. Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree

[Gidney N Cloyd]

36. Big points for schlock given how it was used post-9-11.

It may be outclassed on cheese and kitsch.

[Iggo]

62. Not the first time, either.

They did the yellow ribbon thing for the Iran Hostage Crisis.

[carlyhippy]

19. Seasons in the Sun-Terry Jacks

He had it earmarked for the Beach Boys to sing, but it was too much a downer, they needed happy songs (even tho Til I Die, though beautiful, is a bit of a downer as far as their songs go.)

[abbeyco]

22. Undercover Angel

I have this on 45 and loved the song back in the day....but it's just pure schlock-pop; I listened to it the other day.

Great topic!

[ThomasQED]

30. The great Alan O'Day...

I love this song, and Seasons in the Sun, Telephone Man, and well... most of the songs on this thread. Don't judge :-(

[Phentex]

26. Telephone Man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UexxG4RntfU


Hey lolly lolly...

[pink-o]

28. Season in the Sun and Feelings are the first that came to mind.

But add anything by Bread or Air Supply. 70s pop sucked (whereas 70s soul was AWESOME! Talkin' to YOU, Spinners, Stylistics, Gloria Gaynor, 3 Degrees and OJays!).

Also, don't forget Billy, Don't be a Hero, by Paper Lace. Yechhh!

[gratuitous]

105. Not Bread!

My roommate got laid to Bread more times than I can count. And they did have two highly redeeming songs, one was "Mother Freedom," which rocks the house with the best of the 1970s. I'll keep the second one to myself for now.

"Billy Don't Be A Hero" was by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods, by the way.

[Xipe Totec]

29. La Macarena

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sN62PAKoBfE

[WinkyDink]

37. And the WINNER is: "Teen Angel"!

Teen angel, teen angel, teen angel, ooh, ooh

That fateful night the car was stalled
upon the railroad track
I pulled you out and we were safe
but you went running back

Teen angel, can you hear me
Teen angel, can you see me
Are you somewhere up above
And I am still your own true love

What was it you were looking for
that took your life that night
They said they found my high school ring
clutched in your fingers tight

Teen angel, can you hear me
Teen angel, can you see me
Are you somewhere up above
And I am still your own true love

Just sweet sixteen, and now you're gone
They've taken you away.
I'll never kiss your lips again
They buried you today

Teen angel, can you hear me
Teen angel, can you see me
Are you somewhere up above
And I am still your own true love
Teen angel, teen angel, answer me, please

[rug]

38. Come on! That's a great song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KG_VIcoiCFA

Granted, its no Leader of the Pack, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGQt6GY8nKA , but still, it's up there in the dead teenager genre.

[IDemo]

39. Muskrat Love

Captain & Tenille, I think.

[denbot]

45. 2nd vote for Muskrat Love..

Muskrats.. really!?!?

[MilesColtrane]

98. +1

It's a song anthropomorphising the mating habits of rodents, and it's got the word "cheese" right in they lyrics.



Muskrat, Muskrat, candle light
Doin' the town and doin' it right in the evenin'
It's pretty pleasin'
Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam
Do the jitterbug at a Muskrat Land
And they shimmy, Sam is so skinny

And they whirl and they twirl and they tango
Singin' and jinglin' a jangle
Float like the heavens above
Looks like Muskrat Love

Nibblin' on bacon
Chewin' on cheese
Sam says to Suzie
Honey, would you please be my Mrs
Suzie says, yes, with her kisses
Now, he's ticklin' her fancy
Rubbin' her toes
Muzzle to muzzle
Now anything goes as they wriggle
Sue starts to giggle

And they whirled and they twirled and they tango
Singin' and jinglin' a jangle
Floatin' like the heavens above
Looks like muskrat love

[kimi]

40. IMO "Wildfire" Michael Martin Murphy

Those lyrics, and I will not post them, make me nauseous.

And the refrain - "We'll be riding Wi - i - i - i - i - i - ldfire . . . . " not once but 3 horrible times . . .

:puke:

[IDemo]

41. Or -- MacArthur Park, Richard Harris

[MrScorpio]

65. You are dead to me. nt

[lickety-split]

43. the pina colada song

n/t

[Mendocino]

44. Kung Fu Fighting

[pokerfan]

50. Fernando - ABBA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8bm6XlxuCY

[gvstn]

53. Abba doesn't count!

I like this Fernando video with Bea Arthur http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uvp82VRWr2U

*******
On topic: "Having my Baby" has to be up there at the top of the list. It is cheesy any way you cut it.

[Petrushka]

51. I Went to Your Wedding

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8NQbnCmwEg&feature=related

Another (**uh-h**) rendition: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NB_XDUb_tG0&feature=related

:cry:

[LiberalAndProud]

52. Up, Up and Away - Fifth Dimension

my beautiful balloon? C'mon!

[OmahaBlueDog]

54. Have you ever read "Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs"?

http://books.google.com/books?id=RR_6T8VDawIC&lpg=PP1&ots=wHe2nSvh_R&dq=dave%20barry%20bad%20songs&pg=PP1#v=onepage&q&f=false

It is an almost scholarly work on this topic, based on articles and a survey. Although written in '97, it stands out to this day as the premier examination of the "Bad Song" topic, and exposes the little known roles that Mac Davis and Gary Puckett had in bad pop music.

See also:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/04/19/eye.ent.worstsong/index.html

[Kat45]

55. Gary Puckett? As in Gary Puckett & the Union Gap?

What was his "little known role" in bad pop music? I only know him from that one band, which I don't recall having been around for all that long. And I must admit that I liked their songs, though I was a kid at the time. :shrug:

[OmahaBlueDog]

57. In the chapter on "Songs Women Really Hate".....

Dave writes about a series of really bad songs that, although made infamous by other artists, Puckett also recorded versions.

[kimi]

70. That is a hilarious book!

I've read it several times, just for fun. Gives me awful earworms, but funny as hell.

[Mad_Dem_X]

80. I love that book!

[applegrove]

58. "You Light Up My Life" by Debbie Boon. I was a teen at the time. I knew all the words.

[Frank Cannon]

76. That is the correct answer.

I just heard it on the radio again the other day. Never has a crappier song by a crappier singer been such a huge hit. It sounds like something that was recorded on a Radio Shack cassette recorder at a teenager's shotgun wedding.

[LeftinOH]

81. "You Light Up My Life" also won the 'best song' from at the Oscars for 1977:

-it was the title song from a movie.. one which has been long forgotten (probably for good reason).

BTW- the competition at the '77 Oscars included two better songs: "Hopelesly Devoted to You" (from Grease) and "Nobody Does it Better" (Carly Simon's song from 'The Spy Who Loved Me').

[LibDemAlways]

111. Most overplayed song of all time. You couldn't escape it. Horrible,

horrible POS.

My 2nd place finisher - "God Bless the USA," Lee Greenwood's evergreen embarrassment (though perhaps it doesn't qualify because it's more country than pop).

[The Midway Rebel]

59. Anything by Tommy Roe

This tops my list.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU_rqm7WPPI

"Dizzy"

[Systematic Chaos]

63. lol that was the #1 song the week I was born.

Explains a lot. :D

[HEyHEY]

68. I love tommy roe!

Screw you! :P

[MrScorpio]

64. This one right here!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozqfOzqMvlQ

[HEyHEY]

66. One poster said "MMM Bop" I have to agree. Fuck that was a nightmare.

PS, now it's in my head, asshole!

[Systematic Chaos]

67. This one makes me want to fucking vomit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aINmJ5ieM6Y

80s top-40 died around the time this blasphemy was released.

[Yeshuah Ben Joseph]

73. How can blasphemy be made even worse?

Let Ozzy's kid sing it......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtW477XNybc

[Nailzberg]

71. "Last Kiss"

I love me some Pearl Jam, but this cover makes me change stations at the first damn note.

First time they played it live, I was there, and they told a story about passing a bad car wreck in the tour bus, and it made them think of the song. I thought it was kinda cool they played it at the show their next night. And then I heard it on the radio, practically on loop for the next six months. Gawd, it's awful. We had to make up new lyrics at work just to tolerate it, cause we only got reception on one station.

[Tabasco_Dave]

72. Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani

:puke:

[sarge43]

74. MacArthur Park n/t

[raccoon]

83. +100. nt

[NewJeffCT]

100. Isn't that normally considered the schlockiest of the schlocky?

I think

[sarge43]

103. I believe it's in the Schlock Hall of Fame

It can certainly hold its own with such Immortals as Muskrat Love, You're Having My Baby and Yummy, Yummy, I Have Love in My Tummy.

Jeebus, just typing that sent my blood sugar count through the ceiling.

[NoPasaran]

75. Melanie Safka - Brand New Key

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIFknAdVvNM

Yeesh

[Dr Morbius]

79. I actually like that one.

But I always liked Melanie.

Every time I am forced to hear this particular tune, I am motivated to reply to the question within thusly: yes, yes I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPE1QqKCNSw

[monmouth]

84. "You Light Up My Life"...Boone's kid...Gawd awful...n/t

[charlie]

85. Lee Greenwood's I'm Proud to be an American

The chickenhawk's choice when he wants to burst with pride, tears, and fetid aroma.

Also-ran: Sylvia's Mother. It was comically overwrought on purpose, because it was a JOKE. Of course, it became a tearjerker hit, since wasn't stamped with PARODY in giant red letters on the cover.

[PufPuf23]

86. Sugar Sugar - The Archies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JywK_5bT8z0

Billboard #1 single weeks of September 20 to October 20, 1969.

I forgot about Crimson and Clover by Tmmy James and the Shondells also in 1969.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Hot_100_number-one_singles_of_1969_(U.S.)

[LiberalEsto]

87. +1

makes my teeth ache just thinking about it

[tourivers83]

92. I love rock and roll.

Joan Jett did a wonderful cover of Crimson and Clover. I used to play it over and over.:rofl:
I loved the part that went, “I don’t even know her, but I think I could love her.”

[Touchdown]

89. New York, London, Paris, Munich, Everybody talk about... Pop Music! Talk about

by "M".

[KamaAina]

90. Pac-Man Fever - Buckner and Garcia

I can't believe I actually know who did that. :eyes:

[brendan120678]

91. Say Say Say...

P. McCartney/M. Jackson

[MilesColtrane]

106. It's at least better than, The Girl Is Mine.

The outro is just embarrassing. "I think I told you, Paul. I'm a lover not a fighter."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WCIpjc2XsE

[gratuitous]

109. Off the Thriller album, no less

Which means millions of people were subjected to that dreck who may have picked up that album not knowing any better. "The doggone girl is mine."

[Kaleva]

94. Toni Basil - Mickey

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvQex1RQ5G4&feature=related

[Z_I_Peevey]

95. Send in the Clowns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rA6YXuagiuU

[Amerigo Vespucci]

96. "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro.

Seriously, that's the bottom rung of the ladder.

:rofl:

[gratuitous]

99. Goldsboro Twofer: Summer (The First Time)

"She was 31, I was 17; I knew nothin' 'bout love, she knew everything."

Shoot. Me. Now.

[Still Blue in PDX]

102. But the Smothers Brothers did great things with that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGBdbRqflU

I have fond memories of watching this with my parents. We all laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes, not the response the songwriter probably hoped for.

I'm so happy someone else liked it enough to put it on Youtube.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

107. OK, THAT I'll sign off on.

I'm a big Smothers Brothers fan. As a graduate of San Jose State (I received a BA in English), I will always remember Tom Smothers' jab:

"I didn't go to college. I went to San Jose State."

:rofl:

:toast:

[Arkansas Granny]

116. I hadn't seen your reply when I posted mine below.

That was a pretty gawd awful song.

[Silver Swan]

97. This one causes me pain: Hey Paula by Paul and Paula

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xU6DAECGiQw

[Glorfindel]

104. "Chevy Van" by Sammy Johns - I win!

It's impossible to make a worse song than this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1lRulMdB1o

[BurtWorm]

108. I'm over 25 (But You Can Trust Me) by Sammy Davis Jr.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPaLK1wg6f0

http://new.music.yahoo.com/sammy-davis-jr/tracks/im-over-25-but-you-can-trust-me--1046263

Has to be heard to be believed.

The Fleshtones do a great cover of this song, too.


PS: Speak of the devil! Here are the Fleshtones in Stockholm performing this very song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cF_FjtogBhw&feature=player_embedded

[Joe Fields]

110. Muskrat Love, by the Captain and Tenille

[Art_from_Ark]

112. Heck, just about any poop tune from the '70s qualifies

Anything by The Osmonds
Anything by the Carpenters
Anything by Captain and Tenille
Anything by the Jackson Five
Anything by Paul Anka
Anything by Barry Manilow
Anything by the Bee Gees
Anything by Barbra Streisand
Anything by Paper Lace


The list goes on and on

The '70s were the Decade of Schlock

"And they called it puppy looooooooooove, just because we're in our teens"

Aiyeeeeeeeeee!

[Arkansas Granny]

114. "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro from 1968.

See the tree, how big it's grown
But friend it hasn't been too long
It wasn't big
I laughed at her and she got mad
The first day that she planted it, was just a twig
Then the first snow came
And she ran out to brush the snow away
So it wouldn't die
Came runnin' in all excited
Slipped and almost hurt herself
And I laughed till I cried
She was always young at heart
Kinda dumb and kinda smart and I loved her so
And I surprised her with a puppy
Kept me up all Christmas Eve two years ago
And it would sure embarrass her
When I came in from workin' late
'Cause I would know
That she'd been sittin' there and cryin'
Over some sad and silly late, late show

And honey, I miss you
And I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could

She wrecked the car and she was sad
And so afraid that I'd be mad
But what the heck
Though I pretended hard to be
Guess you could say she saw through me
And hugged my neck
I came home unexpectedly
And caught her cryin' needlessly
In the middle of the day
And it was in the early Spring
When flowers bloom and robins sing
She went away

And honey, I miss you
And I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could

One day while I was not at home
While she was there and all alone
The angels came
Now all I have is memories of Honey
And I wake up nights and call her name
Now my life's an empty stage
Where Honey lived and Honey played
And love grew up
And a small cloud passes overhead
And cries down on the flower bed
That Honey loved

And see the tree how big it's grown
But friend it hasn't been too long
It wasn't big
And I laughed at her and she got mad
The first day that she planted it, was just a twig

[Art_from_Ark]

115. "Honey" is certainly a contender

"You been watching one of them sad and silly late, late shows again? Jeez!"
"You wrecked the car? Figures. But I'll try to act mad!
"Hey Honey, you're kind of dumb.. but kind of smart, too."
"You slipped and almost hurt yourself! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Hey, whatcha doin', crying needlessly in the middle of the day?"

[Capn Sunshine]

120. I can't believe we made it this far without "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" by Cher

# 1 among those that today are teabaggers .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lol6Z9rI408