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I was diagnosed with ADD in the early 70's when it was a newer"disorder" before ADD was turned into a popular way for teachers to use shrinks to shut kids up.I think there was one other kid besides me in my school showing up at the nurse's office to pop Ritalin. For me ADD manifests in disorganization, I still sometimes forget to eat,I forget what day it is,I forget what I was doing.I forget to stop and take breaks or eat my lunch.I get irritated as hell at myself and at people intruding and asking me stupid questions when I'm doing something that matters to me. I bet if I had to organize my way out of a paper bag,I'd forget why the hell I was sitting in this stupid bag for and tear it to shreds.
I have found especially fastidious people have little tolerance for my disorganized or different ways,they want everything done yesterday and they want it done,in an emotionally pleasing to them way that has nothing to do with the task itself.People who are controlling don't like ADD people because we do things differently than how it's *supposed* to be done. We organize the way we think differently,we have different priorities and do not care to please authority and play with egos. ADD can appear as pain in the ass for people who are used to others doing as they prefer.I thought school existed to torment me,I saw no joy in school,learning was made dull memorizing crap just was not worth wasting my sparse attention on.The bullies in school made my days miserable.Teachers because they didn't care about a pain in the ass hyper kid like me,ignored the bullies and looked the other way.For me I am selective about what earns my attention when I can pay attention to it.My attention is scatter shot ,but sometimes when I do focus it is intense. So I use it to focus on what matters most to me,because times of focused attention are precious. I'm not gonna force moments of clarity to do other peoples silly conformity requests or unrewarding tasks like a trained monkey,or do their organizational games that give them the illusion I can be controlled and managed.
I'm 38 years old.I take Adderall now.And it has not changed my feelings about authority and conformity at all after all these years.As a kid in the early 70's I took Ritalin. Adderall is less harsh than Ritalin is on the body.Like Ritalin Adderall helps my focus last longer and manages the intensity of it and it helps to take the edge off my anger, the despair and frustration. I don't notice the positive particular emotional effects of Adderall inside myself but other people say they do. Taking Adderall doesn't cure my frustration about living in this sick society. It doesn't cure a sick society of deeply ingrained bigotries or psychological control issues If we got honest..We'd admit most of what we memorized in public school is useless information we never use in our adult life. Most kids that are bored to tears with school know this too.I did. Not every kid is cut out for what society or parents say they are supposed to be cut out for.Not every kid wants to excel in Gym or math.Some are too creative or have too many interests to settle into one kind of mental box of bullshit our culture provides for it's kids to fit into.For some misery is to be in public school all day.when the sun is out,living a lie that apparently pleases satisfies parents,peers and teachers and feels like a hopeless prison to them.
Don't turn ADD symptoms or dissociation into power struggles.Ritalin and Adderall and Medication"Therapy" are not brain restraints, they are amphetamines, or powerful,hardcore drugs.If it was not for ADD it would be a crime for you to possess alot of these drugs.Adderall is also a street drug.So do not give people who are 'difficult'to manage amphetamines if you can't admit you might tend to be authoritarian personality who thinks you are entitled to conformity out of other people.Sometimes it really does take two to tango.
In reality there are damaging effects amphetamines have on different human bodies over years of use.Speed freaks do have bodily damage from their habits.I know ADD allegedly makes the brain process amphetamines differently than non ADD people but alot of this stuff is still theory because the differences in brains are so subtle.
Alot of people who grow up in abusive families or deal with bullies in school can look like they have ADD because they are so vigilant and stressed out.Dissociation is one way to cope with abuse. I grew up in a bad home,I got bullied .My life then was hard on me psychologically and it started to show.Back in the 70's my first therapist who diagnosed my ADD did not know to ask me about my home life.Vigilance from abuse at home was not even discussed.Because it was assumed parents did not abuse their own kids and it was improper to presume they could do that.In the 70's it was also believed ADD wore off upon adolescence. So when I hit middle school I was taken off the Ritalin. And I went out of the frying pan and into the fire.I had a total breakdown. I failed everything in middle school. I was the school scapegoat too. Eventually I went to the psych hospital because I was really that far gone.
It took years for doctors to be able to admit to themselves what I had was dissociation/trauma/PTSD and not schizophrenia , temporal lobe epilepsy or manic depression..And unknown to me and them I still had ADD too. (I was misdiagnosed and given horrible ineffective drugs in obscene doses because of my doctors held these beliefs about the presumed rarity of dissociative disorders many doctors believed it to be rare.So because they doubted me I suffered,..This misdiagnosis was made before that belief in rarity was totally reversed ,when dissociation became a "fad" diagnosis back in the 80's when Geraldo started the SRA panic..This professional reluctance and reaction doctors had about child abuse and trauma was partly caused by the political climate of the times)I was in therapy for years, Psych medicines had weird and paradoxical effects on me. Ever since childhood I drank coffee to go to sleep.In those years I confronted my issues,I recovered from alot of traumas,I learned to manage my dissociation and triggers.I steadily got better when I was listened to..and if I stayed out of authoritarian controlled situations like hospitals,day programs.I did well except for those unrecognized ADD symptoms that never went away. Until I finally started on Adderall my disorganization was bad. I was still frustrated about my lack of focus,my snappiness,always forgetting to eat,to take breaks when I did things,a lack of motivation was unrelenting even after years of talk therapy ,psych hospitals and trying out every psych drug you could imagine..Adderall has helped me when nothing else did with this issue..when nothing else I could do, has worked.ADD is real,Dissociation is real too. The two disorders can mimic each other and even overlap in symptoms to the outside observer..But both problems might not be as common or as rare of a problem in society as has been presumed.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder,but if the beholder hates something about you ,Tell me, will they be capable of seeing the beauty in you even if the part about you that they hate is where the beauty comes from in you when they try to "help" you? I have had plenty of "well meaning" helpers rush in to crush the what they did not understand or prefer from my soul,to make me like them.In my despair to be appreciated I even crushed myself. The only way out of this box is to resist, say no to them when they insist on medicines that make you feel crappier than before,or use humiliating behavior modification or other such torture techniques to force you to be like them..You must find for yourself what gives you a sense of balance and peace with ADD and stick to your guns and listen to your body first,even if others around you still would prefer that you would be polite,just sit still ,shut up and do what they want you to do.Everyone has their own life to live regardless of what others think,or want. This is important to know if you have ADD. With ADD or not you still must live YOUR own life inside your own brain and still be able to interact with people around you too..They can only see what they observe about you.They do not know how ADD feels like on the inside. So do not let other people's preferences be the final say. Disregard how they want you to behave and ignore the reward and punishment games if they confuse you about honestly finding what medicines,techniques or habits may or may not work for your symptoms.Everyone is different.They cope different.Amphetamines are not one size fits all brain restraints for annoying disobedient people.Don't let people use them on YOU that way. They do not live with ADD 24-7,you do.Life is all about give and take regardless of what some "experts"touting ADD might say about your "willfulness".Just my $0.02 on it..
Underground Panther in the Sky.
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