Need some advice here.

[murielm99]

Maybe it seems silly to come to the DU lounge for this kind of advice, but I feel like I have friends here. I do see a counselor, but I don't see her as much any more. I will not see her again until next month.

My mother is 81 years old and still an abusive parent. I have set boundaries for her, because she is incapable of setting them for herself. She does not have the right to walk all over me.

My dad is in the early stages of dementia. Today, he had two heart attacks. Both my brothers were called by my mother, and so was my youngest daughter. I have been home all day, and she has not bothered to inform me. It is just another one of her petty cruelties. Believe me, I know her behavior. I found out about this because my brother called me. He was looking for my oldest daughter to give my mother a ride home from the hospital. My daughter is in an orchestra rehearsal. And she has to get her cat from the emergency clinic, where kitty had surgery. She is working from home tomorrow so she can keep an eye on her kitty. She is under NO OBLIGATION to be the chauffeur, especially if her mother is being treated this way.

I spoke to her younger sister. I asked her how she would feel if I did that to her, if her father had two heart attacks and I told everyone but her. I told her that I expect some solidarity from my family. Usually, I tell them that they are adults and I am not going to interfere in their relationship with their grandmother, even though I have a poor relationship with her. It is worse this time, because she has given my youngest daughter some money. The kid is recovering from clavicle surgery, and there was some screwup with her AFLAC. She needed the help, but grandma attaches strings to everything.

I am really pissed. I know she thinks I will not say anything, because it will make me look bad to be worrying about myself instead of my dad. But this time I have had it. He could die and she would leave someone else to tell me?

Does anyone have any ideas how to approach this? I am going to tell her how I feel about her behavior toward me. I am going to wait for her to contact me. And I do expect my family to back me up. Over the years, I have seen her try to isolate family members so she can pick on them while they have no allies. I will not stand for any more of her crappy behavior.

[applegrove]

1. I would wait until your dad is much more stable before you set boundaries with her.

Give it a week at least.

[madmom]

2. You know your dad is in the hospital, go visit him, have a nice time with him, totally . ..

ignore her. ..she will only get more pleasure in knowing she upset you, don't give it to her.

[murielm99]

5. Thank you. That is very good advice. n/t

[bluedigger]

3. You're going to stand up for yourself now?

After what...50 or 60 years of this? Good luck if you think you have any hope of changing her behavior at this late date. I'm truly sorry, but I think you would be better off resigning yourself to continued abuse, making your peace with it, and just stop letting her actions affect your happiness. Better late than never I suppose...

:hug: from another with mom issues.

[murielm99]

4. First of all, I have never "resigned" myself

to anything. I have spent a lifetime asserting myself and letting her know that she cannot treat me any way she pleases. My brother did not stand up to her soon enough. She broke up his marriage. His adult children have not had a relationship with her in at least ten years. She has three great grandchildren she has never met because my brother's children hate her so much.

And what is this about changing her behavior? I won't change her behavior. No one changes anyone else's behavior. We just change the way we react to it.

I was asking for some advice in THIS situation. I know I am not the only one here with a crazy and abusive mother.

[bluedigger]

6. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

That is the risk you run when airing your personal life on a message board, I guess. I really am sympathetic to your situation, but I guess I don't know what you want. Affirmation for your chosen course of confrontation? Has it helped in the past? If you want support from the rest of your family, then I agree, they should be on your side, at least as you present it.

Again, a :hug: from another child of a crazy and abusive mother.

[murielm99]

7. Thank you.

Yes, I do want support from the rest of my family. As far as the rest of it goes, I do not know what I want. I am not sure how to react to her latest misbehavior. Someone suggested I visit him and ignore her completely. That sounds like good advice. If she wants to know why I am ignoring her, and she will, I will tell her.

I am not sure why she chose to notify everyone but me of his condition. But we never know what she will do. Sometimes she takes out her behavior on my middle brother. Sometimes it is me. It is never the "golden child," my youngest brother. But he knows she is nuts. My brother's former psychiatrist thought she might have a narcissistic personality disorder. Mine thinks she may have borderline personality disorder. Of course, those things are difficult to diagnose. And they caution that they have not interviewed her or tested her. We just try to get some guidance so that we can live as normally as possible, considering.

I am sorry that you are in a similar situation. I am just especially angry right now. And when I do get to see my dad, it will be about a two hour trip. I am worried about him.

[bluedigger]

8. Go love your Dad, and make the best of it.

That's all there is.:thumbsup:

[cate94]

9. Saw this in ASAH

I am quite sorry to hear that you are going through this. Although your situation is quite different from anything I went through, my Mom had OCD and NPD and dysfunction came from every which way in our family. I have a large family of origin so more people to deal with.

If your Mom has NPD, don't give her the satisfaction of ignoring her. This isn't about her, and NPD's want everything to be about them. She will use your behavior as a tool to make the situation about her. While I completely understand your anger, your frustration and your hurt right now- concentrate on letting your Dad know how much you love him. Yes, she is completely wrong. Yes, your anger is completely justified. But you will not change her and you will not get any satisfaction trying.

I know you want to get this out of your system. I know you want to get your Mom to treat you better. In this regard, you have no control. If you get angry she will try and isolate you and withhold what information you might need. You can't and won't win a battle. Try and understand how damaged SHE is, it isn't about you at all. It affects you and may be directed at you, but her behavior is about her and her damage.

Ask your brother's to form a telephone tree and take notifications out of your Mom's hands. Once she calls one brother, he calls you and then you call your other brother. While the order doesn't matter, the siblings need to make sure that notification is all inclusive, all the time. If Mom objects, make it all about how this type of thing is so overwhelming that you kids don't want her to be burdened. Make this change about her to get her on board. If she still doesn't like it, the siblings can still agree on the telephone tree to make sure ALL of you know if and when something happens.

Set all the boundaries you want but generally with either of the personality disorders your Mom might have, it won't make a difference. The key is to change your behavior so that you get what you need. Don't let the family drama rob you of the opportunity to let your Dad know how much you love him. Take the drive.

[murielm99]

10. Thank you cate.

I appreciate you and everyone else who took the time to answer me. I am sorry your mother was damaged, too. It is not easy to live with these things. It does not go away when we leave home at eighteen or twenty-one.

[grasswire]

11. first -- why doesn't mom take a taxicab home?

Second, it seems to me that you are giving mom what she seeks most: a reaction. I am a survivor of a long marriage to an NPD-er. I think that indifference and refusal to play their drama games is a good way to protect yourself in dealings. Don't get sucked in; don't try to *get back* at them. Be calm and cool and remember (as another poster said) that the sickness lies within her.