Someone tell me a joke

[MrScorpio]

I'm in desperate need of some funny now.

Help me, Lounge Lizards, you're my only hope.

[Kali]

1. aww hope you are better

I suck at jokes but maybe search for middlefingermom's posts or skim the first page here in the lounge - I was cracking up at several things this evening...

[Dr Morbius]

2. If electricity comes from electrons, doesn't that mean morality comes from morons?

[IcyPeas]

10. if olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

[Dr Morbius]

11. And why was Popeye so keen for Olive Oyl to blow him down?

[snagglepuss]

3. Here's hoping these 3 jokes will cure whatever ails you.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."




There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"





A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

[WCGreen]

4. So I says to my wife with the wooden leg...

Peg...

[Dr Morbius]

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

So I was at the grocery store day before yesterday, and I overheard a woman ask the employee if the turkeys displayed got any bigger. "Sorry, ma'am," she was told. "They're dead."

[nolabear]

6. Some Sophie Tucker one-liners:

Ernie he says to me 'Soph, if you could cook we could fire the chef!" I says to him "Ernie, if you could fuck we could fire the chauffeur!"

I says to Shirley I says, "Ernie brought me roses. Now I'll have to keep my legs in the air for a week." She says, "Soph, ain't you got no vase?"

Ba-dump-ching!

[Capn Sunshine]

7. Just got this one in email

A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

[krispos42]

8. A women gets into a car crash a week after finding out she's preggers.

The accident knocks her into a coma for almost a year. When she finally wakes up, she immediately pages the nurse.

"Nurse! Nurse! How long have I been out?"

"About ten months or so," replies the nurse.

"Oh my god! I was pregnant! What happened?"

"You were in a car accident, which is why you were in a coma. But your babies were fine and you have a nice pair of twins. Fraternal twins, one boy, and one girl!" explained the nurse.

"You mean I'm a mom?"

"Yup!" said the nurse with a smile.

"So where are they? Can I see them?" asks the woman.

"I'll get a hold of your brother; he's been taking care of them since their father skipped town. He even named them!" said the nurse.

The woman had a sinking feeling. "My brother's kinda... weird. What did he name them?"

The nurse consulted the woman's chart. "Let's see... the daughter is named Denise," she read.

"That's a good name!" exclaimed the woman. "And the boy?"

"Denephew," replied the nurse.








A man is visiting his doctor for a physical, and at some point the doc asks the man to describe his sex life.

"Infrequently," replies the man.

"Is that one word or two?" askes the doc.






Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?

A: To get a better grip on the broom!

[Deep13]

9. What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

Its ass.

[abq e streeter]

12. a couple of em

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.




I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[underpants]

19. those are going to be told tomorrow

[unpossibles]

13. my doctor told me to stop masturbating

I asked why and he said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

[RandomThoughts]

14. To quote John Stewart.

I won't be your preforming monkey.

[Old Troop]

15. OK. A guy buys the fastest car ever made....

He takes it out on the interstate and really starts to wind it up. A motorcycle cop notices and starts in pursuit. The guy kicks it up to 80 and the cop is still closing. He hits 90 and the cop still seems to be closing in. The guy says screw it and floors it. He looks in the mirrors and sees nothing but a cloud of dust so he turns around and finds the cop, unharmed, in the ditch. What happened? He yells. The cop grimaces and says, "I thought I had you at 80 and then I was sure I had you at 90, but then you took off so fast, I thought my cycle had stopped so I got off to see what was the matter!"

[quickesst]

16. moral of the story.....

There was a chicken and a horse that lived on a farm, and were the best of freinds, playing every day all day long. One afternoon the horse fell into a deep mud hole and couldn't get out. He tells the chicken, "Quick, go get the farmer and tell him to bring his truck and pull me out." The chicken runs to the house only to find the farmer gone with the truck. Thinking fast, the chicken high-tails it to the barn where the farmer has an old Mercedes parked. The chicken jumps in, drives back to where his buddy is stuck, throws him the rope, and pulls him out. Everything is ok. Well, seems a few days later the chicken gets himself stuck in a smaller mud hole and can't get out. He tells the horse, "quick, go get the farmer and pull me out of here. The horse thinks about it, then says, "hold on a minute", straddles the mudhole and lowers his, er, hose and tells the chicken to hold on. A moment later the chicken is safely pulled out of the mud hole. The moral of the story? IF YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A HORSE, YOU DON'T NEED A MERCEDES TO PICK UP A CHICK!. I know, crude, but I thought it was pretty funny. Thanks.
quickesst

[amerikat]

17. I googled the 50 best one liners and I got this DU post

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x6794121

[underpants]

18. The snail joke

A guy is sitting in his living room reading the paper. Something catches his eye.

He walks over to find that it is a snail.
He picks the snail up, opens the front door, and tosses is over the street.

3 months pass.

The same guy hears a knock on the door.
He goes to the door and opens it.
He sees nothing.
He looks left then right and sees nothing.
Finally he looks down and sees......the snail
and the snail says,......


"What the fuck?!?!?!?!"


:wtf: